CagedBird

So, today marks the 3rd or 4th time we've had the EXACT SAME discussion.

(He left Tuesday night and went to his parents. He came back on Friday, because he had visitation with his DS8. So, they came in Friday evening. We haven't spoken much all weekend. I worked yesterday and went to a Christmas party with my DS2 last night without AH. )

So, today after DS8's mom picked him up, and DS2 was down for a nap, he came in and started the discussion. Again.


It went EXACTLY like the last few. If "I" don't change, he's going to leave ME.

Because he has needs, and me wanting him to quit drinking is stupid and ridiculous... and if I would just "show him affection" our relationship would be okay. It's all MY fault that we're having problems right now.

suki44883

I guess he forgot that you are leaving HIM.

Next time he threatens to leave you, just say....Would you, please?

CagedBird

Oh, and if I would just be a "loving wife" maybe he would quit drinking.


QUACK QUACK QUACK!

dollydo

YAWN....yes it does get boring, like a continuos loop, over and over the same crap, and of coarse...it is all our fault...still Yawning!

Meggy

Yep because having a drunk slobbering all over you so he won't leave you is such an attractive prospective My husband seems to share this attitude when he is drinking.

LifeRecovery

...and I bet you are the only one who has a problem with his drinking too.

The cyclic discussions eventually helped me to realize I did not want to live like that...now or ever again. They helped me keep my determination.

Kind thoughts coming your way.

CagedBird

Thanks for the support.

It's really making me sad right now. I know it is hurting him, and I do care about him.

It's just maddening to hear him say that I'm off base about his drinking. That it's no big deal. He keeps bringing up how I didn't care before. (because I was in denial for a LONG time) and that it's a stupid thing to break up over.

I've made the decision, I'm out when the lease is up... I just need to stop trying to justify my decision to him. It's getting me nowhere.



Where's that "EASY BUTTON" they keep advertizing? I want mine. :P

Sotiredofitall

My AH also laid the blame at my feet. He said that coming home to me was the reason he drank. So I asked him if that was true and if it was then it was an even bigger reason for me to find a different place to live. We have been married for 33 years and he drank too much then. I KNOW I am not to blame but its what THEY do! This place has been a god-send for me in gaining a bit of perspective toward this disease. Hubby has been sober for a month now. Though I have great hope, I am willing to move forward if he decides sobriety isn't for him. 33 years has been a long time to hold my breath. Hugs to you through this. It can get better!

Thumper

It won't ever get anywhere but the same crazy making circular discussion. Eventually I came to the realization it just did not matter what he thought or said. I couldn't change it and just had to accept that he had his reality and I had mine. No different 2 years later either.



Not an easy button but perhaps press it 10 minutes before impending interactions :codiepolice

MyBetterWorld

But I'm sure he is soooooooooo attractive to you right now.
LOL

Seren

I understand how maddening it can be......

But I hope you will come to understand that this is his baggage. He packed and now he expects you to carry it. If he places it at your feet, it doesn't mean you have to pick it up for him!



HG

SoaringSpirits

You are so not alone. Nothing they say makes much sense. It's all about shifting blame to whatever object is nearby. My AH tells me he drinks because my owning horses stresses him out. Whatever!

Thumper

I love this analogy. The imagery and everything. It really works for me. Thank you!

neferkamichael

His drinking problem is not your fault, never has been yourfault, and never will be your fault. Please do not fall for that crap.

CagedBird

It is hard. I am definitely struggling with guilt and depression.

Last night he kept saying that this was all my fault, and that I'm just being selfish and breaking up our family.

And taking his son away, even though I am staying in town to better facilitate visitation.

I am just trying to stay strong and not buy what he's selling.

I knew exactly how he would react, and he didn't disappoint. He's quacking, and I just have to keep looking ahead and focus on the new life in my future.

Thumper

Where are the awesome SR Translators????? CagedBird needs you - STAT.

You are *protecting* you and your son. His present and his future. Stay strong.

Milly39

Caged - I hear ya.
Thing is...there is no point trying to reason or justify actions with someone who IMHO is not reasonable and is unable to think rationally.
My AH was the same - he left mid november at my request, but I too felt I had to justify WHY i wanted him to leave.
It wears you down to a point where you don't give a crap anymore, you just want them gone.
Positive thoughts and hugs to you - hang in there
M.

problemis

CagedBird - your husband is spot on:

"....it's a stupid thing to break up over."

Absolutely it is as only an addict would choose a stupid liquid in a glass over everything else - including their family. Incredibly stupid. But you are not stupid for leaving - understand that.

Ponder

The only one being selfish is the alcoholic. Putting the bottle before his family.

CagedBird

I'm leaving after work today to visit some family out of town for Christmas.

I'm coming back early, to spend Christmas Eve and Day with AH's family so that they can see DS too.


Today, as he was leaving for work, AH said, "Since you're leaving today, I wanted to thank you for ruining Christmas." and slammed the door.



I couldn't help but think, "and thank you, for proving out right that I am doing the right thing." "A-Hole."





I think it's kind of funny, that the day before I told him I was moving out, HE was threatening ME with leaving me after Christmas. HA!

And I'm the evil doer who is ruining our family.


I think he's secretly happy I'm the one leaving, because now he can really make me the bad guy.


It is really getting annoying though, living there. He is constantly making snide comments and being passive-aggressive. I'm so ready to get out.