sfguy

Hi all,

Today I am finally setting a boundary with my alcoholic boyfriend: "I will not be around you or talk to you when you are drunk."

Here's my question: we are supposed to go away with some mutual friends to a secluded cabin for New Year's Eve for a few nights, and it's the type of scenario where I expect he will get drunk. I don't really have an escape valve to enforce my boundary, though, short of secluding myself in a room somewhere. (I don't want to go sit in the wilderness!) So do I just not go altogether? I mean, I realize that is sending a message: "I fully expect you to violate my boundary" -- but not sure what else to do.

Thanks!

NYCDoglvr

Don't go. If you do you're setting yourself up to be in a very unpleasant situation. Keep in mind that an alcoholic can not drink. But once they pick up a drink they can't stop. Denial is part of the disease of alcoholism -- he may say and believe he'll control his drinking but, if he's an alcoholic, he can't.

LifeRecovery

I had to stop attending situations that were big triggers for my loved one. Prior to that I drove separately so I had a way to leave if the drinking got to much for me.

I am not going to lie at times those were hard boundaries for me to stick to, but they were for me and kept me safe.

Could you build something like that into your time away?

dollydo

I wouldn't go, you already know what the outcome will be. There will be other New Year Eve's. It's not like it is the last one ever.

akrasia

Don't go. He'll surely whine about it, but you can say, "No, I'm pretty sure you'll drink and be an a$$, so I'll have more fun at home. See ya!" Let him whine all he wants.

The worse time I ever had with my AH was when we went out to a wedding in a remote village, in a snowstorm. It should have been fun but he decided to get drunk and scream at me in front of the other guests. I really wish I'd stayed home and let him whine about it instead.

Smallsteps

I have found it impossible to create any boundaries that rely on my judgment of whether or not AH is drunk. I have no interest in monitoring his alcohol intake and trying to ascertain when he passes the magical drunk line. He can drink a lot and still not seem wasted, because his capacity is high after decades of regular drinking.

So my boundaries relate to whether I believe he has been drinking or not. If he's drinking, or if I think he has been drinking, he's on his own. I won't interact in any meaningful way with him, and I won't drive him anywhere.

I don't attend parties with him when I think he may drink, because being around him when he's drinking ruins my peace of mind. And he knows that if we go out and he does drink, he's on his own to find his way home, because I won't drive him home.

[edited to add: Drinking means taking even one sip of an alcoholic drink.]

Cyranoak

You already know going would be a mistake. Do you have the stones to say no?

Cyranoak

sfguy

Thanks all. The answer is unanimous!

I'll tell him I want to spend a peaceful New Years with him, but will not feel that peace at this cabin getaway, and cannot go.

And then he can do what he wants to do.

sprman24

well i don't know to much, but why can't u go. Go and have fun and let him sit at home. Do u not punish urself by not going, and he goes and has all the fun of the world and u sit at home and be miserable alone? Seems not fair to me. Do what is best for u!