Phmdyw

I have two parents to whom I am still attached thru financial strings. Basically, my father (who doesn't acknowledge my existence) pays me to continue being the scapegoat of the family, and if I don't allow my mother to manipulate and control me, he is clear that I will be cut off financially.

Both my parents are highly educated, successful people with public lives. I am seen as the "family problem", when really I'm smarter, stronger, and more loving than any of them.

I can't work because I've become so sick from 30 years of abandonment and other issues that I can't sleep. I am constantly emotionally exhausted and isolated. I can't commit to anything because I'm so tired all the time. My health and reputation are destroyed - it's like at age 46 there's nothing left but to start over.

But I still can't sleep, so nothing changes.

I do have solutions for this - I've done the hardest work there is in the 12 steps - but I need to survive financially - I'm stuck.

Also, I am a magnet for other manipulators out there - and each offense devastates me all over again every time I naively take the bait.

Here's my question: If you were me, would you decline going to Christmas this year? I just don't want to spend that day being manipulated by my passive-aggressive mother. Everything is getting very intense right now in my program of recovery, and I feel if I could stand up for my health and my life then I might start sleeping and recovering.

She did it to me again yesterday, and I am wiped out exhausted today.

So would you go or stay away?

DesertEyes

Hello Phmdyw, and pleased to "meet" you

Actually, I would not do _either_ one of those choices. They are both 100% choices, they are solutions in the extreme. In my experience 100% solutions never work, they just avoid the problem and contribute to the enabling.

I had my own toxic parents, much like you describe yours. Except my parents were not educated or succesful, but the mind-games were the same.

What worked for me was to follow the guidelines of al-anon. One day at a time, one step at a time. I moved away from my parents just 1%, the first time. I went out of the house and "acted as if" I did not have parents.... for just one day. It worked out pretty good and I actually managed to live like that for about three days.

Then I went back to the "family fold". For a few weeks, until I was ready. Then I went out again, but just for one day.... and managed to make it work for a few.

I pulled away one little, tiny, baby step at a time. Each day was a huge success in my own view and gave me strength for the next time. I am a slow learner so it took me a few years to be fully independent, but I managed it.

So should you go or stay? Try chaning the question, Is _today_ a good time for you to break away from your parents just 1%? Just today. Tomorow you can ask yourself the same question, but all you have to deal with today is that 1%.

That is how I did it, maybe you can try it once or twice and see if it works for you.

Mike

Phmdyw

Mike, thanks! This is exactly what I'm looking for - is tools. And it makes perfect sense. It reminds me that I don't need to do everything all at once, and I know the black and white thinking problem. It helps to be reminded of that, which is why I need more adult child meetings. I guess I have been depending mostly on ACA (but there are so few meetings) but I also know that I need to give Alanon a really good try.

Question: Do you mean you spent 1 day "not having parents", not only not talking to them, but also not having parents "in your head"? I can envision that. Pulling away a little at a time - I have been doing that!

Thanks for the support.

DesertEyes

Al-anon calls it "boundaries". I need to have a separation from harmful people in order to maintain my own sanity. That distance I create has to be physical, emotional and spiritual. I started by just walking out of the house. First for just a few hours, then for a day, then two, and eventually lived on my own.

I found that just having a physical distance was not enough. The emotional distance I created by looking at _me_, deciding which character traits I possessed that made me different from my parents and worked to enhance them. I found those traits that made me similar to them and worked to reduce them.

As I continued to gradually increase my "boundaries" I found that spiritually I gained further independence. I became my own person, I started _liking_ the good parts of me and stopped hating the bad parts. I slowly accepted myself, imperfect as I am.

For me it was not about getting away from my parents "in my head". It was about taking action to become the person _I_ wanted to be, instead of tolerating the person who was a victim of my parents toxic behavior.

Mike

Willybluedog

Phmdyw,

Welcome, so sorry for all you are going through, have you applied for benefits or disability so you can get out from under their financial control? I finally had to get an attorney to work on my disability for me so I could have some independent support.

I would second Mike in setting some boundaries, I picked my daughter up out of a high chair and walked out of Christmas dinner one year because my father was attacking me.

I made it clear that I would not tolerate being treated that way any longer, and you know what, it never happened again, all it took was me being firm in my boundaries.

Now it may not work the first time, but in my case my parents were so embarrassed by my walking out in front of extended family that it shook them to their core.

I hope you really give al-anon a serious try, I also have counseling to be very beneficial.

Hope it works out for you, take care.

Bill

Phmdyw

DesertEyes, Thanks for that information. It is very helpful.
WillyBlueDog, Yes, I am applying for housing now but it will take a while. I am workign towards financial independence. I (might) sleep at night then and be able to go back to work. I do also plan to walk out if I have to, and sponsor said it might take a few times, yes. But that they will eventually get it. Problem here is, my family are brilliant manipulators, so they watch me struggle to trust myself that they are in fact doing what they're doing. Later on, they will claim til the cows come home that I am crazy to think they were being anything but wonderful. I will have to trust myself. If I make a mistake, so what?
xo

EveningRose

A few years ago, I felt in much the same position as you. I had a huge family to support, a philandering husband spending everything we had, and a father who was essentially 'paying' me a huge amount in providing household repairs, even buying the supplies, and giving me lots of cash at birthdays and Christmas, while treating me as the family scapegoat, telling me I was 'annoying,' and so deserved to be humiliated publicly at Christmas dinner...you get the idea. There's much more, of course, but that sums it up.

I had severe insomnia for probably three years on end.

A few years ago, something just snapped. I was informed that if I didn't show up by 8:00 New Year's Eve, my Christmas check would be ripped up. (Actually, I never got the message since by then I'd blocked his e-mail to prevent reading his ugliness, but I found out after the fact.) Regardless, I knew without being told that I was forfeiting nearly a thousand dollars if I didn't show up. Nothing in the world could have made me do it that year.

I didn't go. I lost my nearly thousand dollars. I no longer have him to repair the bathroom faucets and replace my kitchen floor.

Guess what?

I probably have less savings in the bank than I would, but so what. I found out I actually don't need his money. I found out I can work my tail off and earn it myself.

I paid a plumber $300 to fix my shower, and discovered that I don't 'need' to have my heart rate accelerate in fear of the plumber screaming at my children, yelling at me to get equipment for him, and swearing up a storm. It was well worth the $300 to have the shower fixed without myself or my kids being yelled at, without someone jacka$$ swearing at me. (I rarely use that language, btw, but darn, the farther I get from it, I see more clearly that someone who treats other people that way is exactly that.)

I'm fine.

If I added up the financial cost of cutting ties, it's probably in the thousands. It's well worth the peace of mind, and steady progression toward happiness, peace, and self worth.

I went to counseling, I got EMDR therapy, I used melatonin, and it took a long time, but gradually, the insomnia went away. I started a list at 42things.com and started pursuing those goals. Al-anon helped me to see that the behaviors of my family say more about them than about me.

Do you currently have a job? (Sorry, I'm in a rush, supposed to be going out the door to do Christmas shopping with kids). Can you find a job or volunteer position doing something you love? I was able to cope with the insomnia because I absolutely loved my job and going to it every day revived and energized me, and gave me the self worth that my husband and family were trying to tear away.

Best of luck. My prayers are with you.

EveningRose

Oh, yeah, and my kitchen floor still looks terrible! But I'm so much happier!

Phmdyw

Thanks Evening Rose. You sure do "get" me. I have thought of EMDR. Last sponsor told me not to get a job, but he was a man and I found later I couldn't trust him. I believe he was telling me things that would keep me isolated to him. I need something outside of AA right now, I have no life. I will also try melatonin. God bless you.

GingerM

My job has been the one saving grace for me. It's the one place I can go where I feel I have some kind of reasonable control over my fate, my actions and my life. It's my security blanket. I don't care that right now I'm working a bazillion hours a week, it's still better than dealing with the crud that came along with my family.

Now that my dad's in jail, it's a little easier, but for the first 3 months after he was arrested, I couldn't sleep either. I did finally ask my doctor for pharmaceutical help. Once I could get more than 3 hours of sleep, my coping and reasoning skills picked up and I was able to see things a little more clearly.

I do hope you find a job and I hope you get some sleep. Long term sleep deprivation can lead to insanity just as easily as long term abuse.