lexilula

Hi everyone, this is my first post! So glad I've found this resource.

I'm 38 and my bf is 37 - he is in his final year of his master program at an art school (he did his undergrad in something totally different, when we were right out of high school). There are few masters students at his school, mostly undergrads - so much younger than us. It also might be helpful to know that he is 2000 miles from his home state, went to this school without having a support system there.

Let me speed up the story!

He drinks, to the point of passing out, on average of 3 nights/week. What typically happens is he buys a half pint of Jameson and pretty much drinks the entire thing (~5 shots) in a short time - maybe an hour or so? He may or may not have additional beers or jameson on the rocks after, especially if we are out with friends.

These 'friends', btw, are in their early 20s - people that he goes to school with, so they are immature and newly in the 'bar' scene.

When he comes to visit me (I'm a working professional, living by myself - he has 2 roommates, both young), we have a NORMAL life. We MAY go to the beach with a bottle of wine, which we never even finish. We dont go out to the bar or drink nightly. It's only when I am visiting him and we are with these 'friends' of his.

He is obviously a textbook binge drinker. I do NOT know what to do. I love him, but I'm scared - any suggestions?? I've talked to him about it and told him how scared I am for his health (ie liver!) and I want him to be healthy. He knows that and agrees....he also doesnt think he is an alcoholic bc he doesnt NEED a drink every day and doesnt drink everyday. He also is on anti-depressents, so it makes me nervous that he mixes = totally dangerous.

Any help or suggestions is SO appreciated.

Thank you!!!!

<3

Meggy

I have no suggestions for you being at the beginning of this journey myself, but I just wanted to welcome you here. I hope you find some help, I know I have found so many wise people who are helping me with my AH.

dollydo

Welcome,

I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this and the F&F of substance
abusers. Addiction is addiction, makes no difference what the addiction is.

His disease is a progressive one, without a strong recovery program, it will get worse and there is no cure for his disease.

I would also suggest that you attend Alanon meetings, for you, not him. There is nothing you can do to help him, his recovery is totally up to him. He is an adult, he is responsible for himself, for his bad choices.

Kepp posting, it will help.

Willybluedog

Welcome,

Go to al-anon for you not for him, while binge drinking does not necessarily make him an alcoholic (knew lots of people in college who did it every weekend and went on to lead normal lives) but he is considerably older than these "kids" he hangs out with.

My suggestion would be to decide what you will tolerate and then set your boundaries, you have already told him how you feel, your concerns for his health etc. he has chosen so far to ignore you. There is nothing you can do for him, and you cannot make him change and in no way is it your fault.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

lexilula

Thank you so much. I'm sure this is not uncommon - I get really anxious and panicky right before we go out with friends and it makes me sick to my stomach when I see him drinking (not sipping, but drinking like he's thirsty!) Jameson.

I looked up Al Anon meetings near me and will go to one this coming week and see how it goes. I actually talked to the girlfriends in his small group of friends just as a sanity check, like, is it me or is this a potential problem??

Bill - really? You wouldnt consider binge drinking to be alcoholism?? 3x/week, every week? When he drinks with this group of friends, it's never just one or two - it's always excessive....blackout, sleep late, etc excessive.

This relationship is really a great one - he is a great person with a huge heart, a hard worker, etc, but I think the drinking/sleeping late holds him back (shocker, this sounds so textbook). I don't want to walk away from this/him, but it's hard to be a part of it - watching him hurt himself. His liver is already slightly damaged, and he takes anti-anxiety/depression meds.....when, we all know, mixed with alcohol can be a really bad thing.

Thank you! xx

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.

You are absolutely right that alcohol and the meds your bf is taking - do not mix. Alcohol is a depressant. His anti-depressants are not effective while he is still actively drinking. The drugs also intensify the effect of his drinking. One shot has the effect of two or three shots.

However, that information will not make him quit drinking. Preaching, begging, manipulating, crying, bargaining, reasoning and screaming won't cure his addiction.

You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it.

That is the 3 C's of addiction. It helps to remember that the entire addiction belongs to the addict.

Alanon will help you will life skills to take care of yourself, no matter what he chooses to do. I encourage you to try a few meetings and keep coming back here to share and read.

We care.

Willybluedog

Lex, I am sorry if you misunderstood what I was trying to say, I probably botched it.

I know people who can binge on occasion or even weekly, but can walk away from it anytime, I did it myself in college, binged every weekend at our frat parties, one day I decided it was a problem, so I just quit, I still went to the parties, still had fun, just did'nt drink anymore.

If this is affecting you and he knows how you feel then I would suggest you guys seek counseling both couples and individual, it has helped me tremendously over the years, and couples counseling is a great way to resolve disputes.

Best of luck,

Bill



I not saying he is not an alcoholic, I am saying IMO some binge drinkers are not alcoholics, I know some here will disagree with me, but I had an MD and a Psychiatrist both tell me this.

If he cannot quit, cannot enjoy an evening out without alcohol, and he blacks out on a regular basis then I would agree that he probably is an alcoholic.

His doctor needs to know that he is drinking like this on his meds, some of these meds are worse with alcohol than others.

silkspin

Mine was a binge drinker - we all were- while in school. Even after school and we were working, going out 3 nights a week was normal. It slowly tapered off for many of us, with the occasional overboard time. It didn't for him. Until that time, had no idea it was more of a compulsion for him than for any of us, as it only started to (sorely) stand out once the rest of us started to moderate. I, too, became anxious before going out, especially if it were to a nice lounge where we'd sit and chat and sip wine and he'd guzzle drinks until he was a mess. I'd started to prefer not to go out with him, and that made me sad. He always kept it as binge (i.e. didn't usually drink during the week), but it got worse in the sense that, after people started going out less, he'd look for younger party people of those we knew, and he also started to drink at home, alone, listening to music by himself in the basement. Maybe would hitch out the house after all the booze was gone, alone, to the corner bar full of old, toothless men. He didn't care. By that time we had a child, and I finally said enough and found Al Anon.

In Al Anon, I shared about how anxious I'd get starting around Wednesday, worried about what weekend plans we'd be invited to and how I would handle it and if he'd be able to moderate (cuz there were times he could). Then, during, I couldn't really have a good time, watching, dreading seeing him order another. After, I'd get upset about how he was and he would apologize and say he'd do better. Then, it took be a few days to get over everything and by that point it was Wednesday again and the dread would start. One wise member of Al Anon told me: with the program, MY recovery from these events would be quicker. And it was true. I didn't have to dread the weekend, and I could recover faster from whatever mess happened. Learned how to not place myself in a situation that would bring on the anxiety. Learned a big, fat lesson that was really hard for me: Another person's bad behaviour is NOT a reflection of me. Very tough when you're married to the guy, but nonetheless true.

Al Anon can help you to find coping strategies. He will do what he does and you can't really do much about it. But helping yourself can really make a difference.

Learn2Live

My suggestion is, find a boyfriend who is not an alcoholic.

LifeRecovery

My ex-husband was/is a binge drinker.

I started getting better (with lots of support including Al-anon).

1. When I stopped listening to what he was doing around alcohol or going to do etc and watched his behavior around it.

2. When I realized that tiltles like alcoholic or problem drinker did not matter...his alcohol use impacted me negatively. Though I could not control his recovery, it was the impact on me that helped me start my recovery. For a long time I was hung up on titles...and I thought if I could not define him as alcoholic I did not deserve to work on how it affected me.

Sending kind thoughts your way.

brownhorse

My thoughts are that if it already a problem for you, then its a problem. It doesn't go away. My new theory with the AH nothing changes if nothing changes. I can only change me. Good luck. You are in the right place and getting help early so that is a good start. Took me 10 years and lovely children to change something.

Learn2Live

My mom has been married to my alcoholic dad over 50 years. He only JUST quit drinking, but only because he knows that if he does, it will kill him. Mom recently told me, the first 8 months was great but it was all downhill from there (due to the alcohol and smoking). Honestly, I think it's very few who actually strive for change. I'm just grateful my Higher Power delivered me my Rock Bottom at a young age.