dbh

Almost feel guilty sharing my feelings on this subject. But I think it will help for me to get this out.

While growing up, my father’s alcoholism was never a secret. We would discuss it regularly – what a bad father he was, how embarrassing it was, and how he was to blame for all of our problems. We never talked about the dysfunction that continued to exist in our home after my mother and father divorced. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-thirties that I was even able to consider that my mother was dysfunctional too. When I first started to talk about my mother with my therapist, it felt shameful.

We were raised to worship my mother. She was the good parent. We were lucky that we had her to take care of us. If we didn’t have her, we would have ended up in the streets because our father didn’t love us at all.

My mother is not an alcoholic and even though neither of her parents drank she has many ACA traits. Her mother was verbally abusive, so her childhood was not healthy either.

When we were growing up, she was definitely emotionally unavailable to us. The way she coped with living with an alcoholic was to retreat into movies, puzzles, and books. I remember her being sad and angry a lot. She wasn’t a screamer because she didn’t want to be like her mother. Her anger was more passive aggressive. We would have to figure out, at a very young age, when she was mad at us by noticing that she wasn’t talking or with other subtle messages.

What I also remember is, at times, feeling responsible for her emotional well being. I was often told not to upset her anymore because she couldn’t take any more stress. When I started to (mildly) rebel as a teenager, I was labeled as the bad child. How could I put my mother through anymore heartache when she had already suffered so much? I haven’t lived with her in over 25 years and just last week I was reminded of all the sacrifices she made for her children, how difficult her life was, and how I should always appreciate everything she did for us. So many times I just want to scream – “I’m NOT the one that decided to marry and stay with an alcoholic! I did not CHOOSE my parents!”

My mother is now in her seventies and has isolated herself with her second husband far away from all family. I haven’t seen her in over two years. She doesn’t want to travel and doesn’t feel up to having visitors. I told her I would stay in a hotel and just take her out to lunch/dinner. That is still too much for her. It saddens me that my children aren’t getting to know their grandmother, but I’m trying to accept it. It saddens me that my mother doesn’t really want to see me, but I’m trying to accept that too.

She has had a couple of major illnesses over the years and I think she may be also suffering from depression. She doesn’t want to see a therapist. Although they have lived in their current home for over 10 years they have no friends. They don’t participate in any groups or a church. I keep telling myself that it’s their choice how they want to live their life but I do worry about them.

Last night my stepfather asked me to call my mother more frequently. We used to talk every day, but I realized that it was unhealthy for me. There was a part of me that was still hoping to get my mother’s approval, love, and acceptance. It wasn’t happening and I thought a little more distance might help me finally cut the aprons strings, so to speak.

I feel like I’m being told (again) that my mother’s well being depends on me and I’m frustrated, sad, and feel shameful. However, I know that the life that she is leading now is because of her own decisions!

The longer I work on my own recovery, the clearer it becomes how alcoholism/dysfunction is truly a family disease. I can also see how easily it is passed on from generation to generation.

I love my mother and stepfather, I truly do. And I’m willing to try to help both of them the best I can. BUT, I’m not going to get sucked into believing that I’m the key to their well being. I’m not that powerful.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

siblingofaddict

Thanks for sharing...as someone in a similar situation whose mother has ACA traits, I can commiserate. My mom isn't the A in the fam, but is just as sick. I used to see my mom almost every day, but now that I'm moved out I've realized how unhealthy even stopping by the house to say hi is. My dad contacted me saying he wanted to heal the "chasm" forming and I didn't know how to tell him the distance was there as a boundary to protect me from an unhealthy situation...if they want to live in denial and dysfunction I can't be close to them until I'm farther along in my recovery.

Your resolve to not get sucked in is encouragement for me. I hope I can reach the level of detachment with love that you have!

Kialua

I had to walk a fine line with my Mom too. She was the enabler and beater as well. After I moved out the next year found me married and struggling with forgiveness for my parents. As I have shared I forgave because it was the right thing to do and didn't expect any miracles. My mom never stepped up to the plate to make things right all her life. I had my moments with her and tried many many times to get her to 'fess up' with no success. I left my hurt and disgust to find pity. This was not done easily and was only achieved for me with my HP, Jesus.

But I found a way to emotionally detach without neglecting her and doing my best to honor her anyway. This took many years. The commandment to honor your parents is the only one with a promise, that you will live a long and happy life if you do. She certainly did nothing to deserve honor, but it was required of me from my faith.

But honor doesn't mean total slavery or control. Just like forgiveness doesn't mean nothing happened. It doesn't mean you support the sick behavior or prop that up. And when marrying it is also proper to separate and cleave to your spouse. So there is a healthy balancing act there.

Honor is only an attitude.

It's the expectations that make it so hard to be in contact with our parents. Wanting reasonable people but having "crazy makers" instead.

I think when you finally have no expectations it becomes easier to around her:
When we talked on the phone I usually was working on the computer because I ran my own business and I was busy.
When I checked on her I never stayed for more than an hour, two tops.
When we visited I always had other people around and, for her, it kept her on her best behavior.
When I ran errands for her they were on my timetable, not hers.
When she moved I helped as much as I could --but enlisted other family members.
I stopped bringing her to church because she used that opportunity to talk mean about others looks and imagined wrongs of people she didn't know.
I never gossiped with her or allowed her to carry on told her where the line was and calmly left when she crossed it.
I never cared if she complimented me, didn't need it, didn't believe it.

After many years we settled into a routine of understanding. Not that she didn't try every once in a while but it never upset me and she eventually settled into a healthier pattern. I know she pulled things on my other siblings but they reacted differently than me and that only fed her sick behavior.

After having my child I realized quickly that how I treated my Mom would sear into her subconscious, and that I was actually teaching her how to treat me when I am old. That spurred me on to healthy respect and honor. All the while not participating in any crazy making behavior.

I don't mean to preach or imply anything, simply wanted to share how I dealt with my "monster". I hope it works out for you both.

cymbal

I just wanted to say that I so "get it". (((((cyber hugs)))))

I'm just now being around my mom after years of not seeing her, and it just seems that she is even more dysfunctional. Does anyone have a mom that doesn't do self-care well? Its like she's saying if I throw up responsibility for myself up, then I'll just see who catches it? Sigh!
Thanks for sharing and for letting me share!

dbh

Thank you for sharing.

I find it interesting that I was able to forgive my alcoholic father more easily (or sooner) than my mom. It's complicated. With my dad it got to the point where I knew there was no hope. I knew that he was never going to recover and be the dad that I always wanted. It got so much easier for me when I simply had to accept him for who he was.

With my mom, I'm still hanging onto hope.

Also with my mom, I was in denial for so long that it really hurt when I saw our relationship for what it was - the manipulation between my siblings, the gossip, and the shaming.

I do think it's possible to encourage a healthier relationship by not engaging in unhealthy behavior.

I also think there is healing in honoring your parents even if they weren't able to do the same for you. When my dad was dying I took my children to see him. I didn't try to sugarcoat anything or make my father into more than he was. But I did try to teach my children that we could still treat him with respect and help him end his life with dignity.

I realize that this isn't always possible for everyone and for every relationship.

I think resolving/coming to terms with my relationship with my mom is one of the next major steps in my recovery work.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

CRandall

I'm glad to hear that other ACAs have these issues with their non-alcoholic parent. In my case, it is my father who is the alcoholic. I agree that forgiving him has been easier, because it is easier to understand it is a disease and that he is sick. What makes me so angry still is that my mother never protected me from all of the bad things he did. In fact, I usually was the mediator between their fights. She didn't insist on driving the car when he was drunk, even though she was sober. She chose to not "make a scene" over the safety of herself, my father, and me. When things got really bad, she never threatened to leave, never took me out of the house when the situation was dangerous, and never gave him any consequences. I resent her for it. I will never in my life understand how your child's safety doesn't come before anything else.

sojourner

Wow. I clicked on this category by mistake and this thread caught my eye. I too found it easier to forgive my alcoholic father. We too lived in a home where my father's alcoholism known since I was practically born. I have many memories of him going to rehabs, AA, having AA people at our house doing 12th step work.

My mother has always been the hard one for me to get my thoughts around. When I was about 12 or 13, I passed her up emotionally. I stopped calling her "mom" because she interpreted that as us having this tight relationship, so for many years I did not call her anything. That made for some thorny situations when she was doing something and I needed to get her attention. When I got to be an adult I only called her by her first name. She hated that, and her friends would tell me that I should not call her by her first name. So sometimes I would call her "Mother." Not only did she not protect me from my father's alcoholism, she never bonded with me. When I was about 5 years old she took me downtown to have my picture taken by a professional photographer (probably only because her sister told her to). Then she made a point of telling me that the photographer wanted to showcase the picture at the front of the store with other customer's pictures, but she told him "no" because she did not want me to become vain. She would bring me home used jewelry that her friends were getting rid of - jewelry that was missing pieces, etc. She had no clue what my tastes were because she and I NEVER went shopping just for the heck of it. I cannot say how many nights she would say nothing to me at bedtime but then I would listen to her in the next room talking a long time with my brother, just pleasant conversation. Gosh, this is just a few tidbits of hundreds. It was the fog that was in the home.

What amazed me was that I was able to parent my children. I was on my knees a lot praying to my Higher Power about that one, and I am so grateful that prayer was answered.

It's great to vent. That's for starting the thread.

EveningRose

I, too, have issues with the non-alcoholic parent. As someone said here or elsewhere, she has her own dysfunction. She's stayed with him all these years, and at this stage, I feel very much that she put her financial comfort, her beautiful house, her crystal and china, above her children and everything else. I think she was afraid to step out of that comfort zone, and as a result has chosen to live for decades with an abuser and alcoholic, has no self esteem whatsoever, and has become so bitter and warped that I believe she pretty much borders on mentally ill. She's full of hatred, bitterness, and negativism, and she hurt not only herself with that, but all of her children.