siblingofaddict

Hello,

I have posted on and off in this forum so many of you probably know some of my story but I wanted to share the full(ish) version. Up until last weekend, I was living in my family's home with my 28 y/o RA brother - he's been addicted and dealing for over ten years, while living in my family's home off and on, but ever since he got out of jail about a year and a half ago, he has been "recovering" at the house. Because my parents are extremely codependent and in denial of what they were doing, they repeatedly left and left me alone with my brother at my house - every time he would get absurdly drunk, he stole my medication, shirk responsibilities my family gave him like taking care of animals etc etc. Since he wasn't high or drunk every time they saw him, despite knowing what went on, my parents wanted to live their life the way they wanted, so they ignored the issue and kept leaving. It gradually took over my life so that I was afraid to leave my house when my parents were gone for fear my brother would do something stupid. Fortunately for me, he did do something stupid - got a DUI because he drove his car into a ditch high & drunk and then attempted to tow it out with my family's golf cart. Ah, addicts. The next day when the police dropped him off, he got violent toward me and ended up breaking my phone.

Between that and losing the love of my life because of this dysfunction, it was enough to break me out of denial. So for almost two months, I've been in recovery and my brother has apparently been sober and in AA/NA. That's great, I'm happy for him, but I don't trust it. He is the same nasty, self-serving, lying and manipulative person he was when he was using. My current struggle is that my family is so hostile toward me and does not seem to see things for what they are. this is his 100th "last chance" and yet my mother acts as if I'm the one doing something wrong by holding him accountable. My dad tells me I'm being overdramatic and I'll get over all this family issues and see things differently soon.

I moved out last weekend, and didn't ask my family for a thing, no help no money, nothing. I just let them know I was moving out because it was the best move for me. Last night after work I stopped by to say hello to my mom and grab some things. I found that my brother had used something brand new given to me by my ex's mom and ruined it. I had clearly told him before it was off-limits, so I was upset.

He lied about it, made excuses, then when that failed attacked me personally, bringing up other things in my life up in front of my mother to incite her. Of course, she played right into it, and I asked her why it was okay with her that he was destructive and disrespecting of other people? She then attacked me personally, and when that failed because her accusations were easily dispelled, she told me to leave.

I was calm up until this point, but then I just lost it. I think it was because she has no control over me anymore (she is very controlling, an ACOA), and the one thing she could do was tell me to leave now that I don't live there. But i felt even coming there was difficult and me trying to love and be a part of a family that is so deep in dysfunction they can't see the forest for the trees.
When I left I was so angry at myself for putting myself in a position to be hurt and backslide in recovery. I was angry that my parents left me with my brother so many times so they could selfishly live their lives and refuse to come out of denial, while I am 23 and rock bottom. I was angry that my brother gets a free pass on destroying our lives and our things, driving his car into a ditch drunk, getting high in our house and threatening me with bodily harm. Even with the holidays going on, I am considering going NC or at least not going to my family's house. I don't want to be around my brother. Right now it is so toxic there and everyone in my family is somewhat hostile toward me for leaving. I'm afraid it will set me back in recovery though I do love my family.

It will definitely make for a very lonely Christmas...

Sorry for the book!

lesliej

Hi Sibling,
Take a deep breath. I am sorry that you are struggling. It can be especially hard during the holidays when the commercial fantasy is all about the perfect family...which just doesn't exist!! That is why recovery rooms get reallllly full during the holidays...its the recovery version of the YWCA filling up after resolutions.

So! You are 23? That is more than enough age to cut the apron strings and be living on your own! I am hoping you will enjoy the freedom and peace of setting out as an adult and having your own place. As maturing human beings we just can't survive without smothering if we stay in the nest too long...it suffocates our spirit. Family of origin is "Origin" not "Ongoing".

There are stories of police showing up to domestic encounters between A's and their suffering loved ones...if the police were to ask the bystanders who was struggling/acting out/behaving "crazily" quite often the witnesses would point to the non A as the "problem". Where an A acts out with drugs, stealth, deception and such (in order for their addiction to survive) the "non A" (usually someone struggling with codependence...but you don't even need the label) is acting out of extreme frustration and an attempt to try to control the connection in their life that is spiraling out of control. It is entirely crazy making to try to hold on.

Take a breath. You don't need to decide this very moment what you will do for holidays. You have ten days til xmas (if that is your holiday) to live in the moment. Live gently if just for a moment, this moment. Make a really good effort to look around you and find something to be grateful for!!! Very important to practice gratitude right NOW! Breathe. You are in the throes of resentment and it will eat up your spirit.

You are not letting go to let your brother off the hook. He has his own massive hook right now to deal with (or not). You are not letting go because your parents are "right" or the situation in your home is "ok". You are letting go because it is NOT ok and you just don't need to be SO attached to it right now. You don't even have to decide how much you want to let go...just let go a little and then practice progress...not perfection.

One step at a time. One day at a time. You will be okay. You have given yourself a very important gift for this holiday and that is removing yourself from the home of dysfunction. Take a little time to appreciate the very important and courageous move you are making and try to refocus your anger/energy/spirit away from what you have decided to move away from.

Prayers & Peace to You.

outtolunch

This commercial fantasy is primrily a North America thing. Where else would you have a TV station dedicate December to running gawd awful make for TV holiday movies for an entire month? Most of the people of the world do not have the expectation of the holidays, that we do, here. Heck, most do not celebrate the holidays.

Maybe everyone could benefit from a cooling off period.

Consider it your gift to your parents to experience the outcomes associated with leaving their home in your brother's care without you to clean up after him.

siblingofaddict

That's a good reminder. I very much struggle with "one day at a time" because I was always the woman with a plan. I didn't move out earlier because my family wanted me to stay, then I was afraid that my dog and horses would be mistreated if I left despite their wishes. Now I'm free and freedom feels overwhelming - I'm not used to just living for myself. It's eerily quiet in my world...

I just don't know how to interact with my family anymore now that I'm not in denial anymore...and again, I struggle with progress as opposed to perfection...I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop if I don't do things just right. Any tips on letting go?

siblingofaddict

Is it mean of me to hope that he treats them as badly as he treated me? He is a master manipulator and know how to cover his tracks, and especially now that he has been sober for 2 months, my parents want to believe in it. I guess everyone has to hit their rock bottom before they want to change. I can't control them or their thinking. God, grant me the serenity...

lesliej

I think that it is kind of normal, given the suffocating immersion in dysfunction, that you want to be justified by having him show his "true" colors. It is frustrating...and downright maddening to a codependent...to be the "only one" that sees the addicts behavior. I was in that position...if fact I PUT myself in that position because I thought I could "help" (cure/control) my ex ABF by being a "witness" for him, I decided I would be the one to hold him accountable.

It is a lonely job, and it comes with a lot of manipulative blame...that then becomes contagious...and then we become mirrors of the spiritual condition. That is the only reason you would feel mean, or maybe even wish that he might relapse...so that everyone could see what you saw...how bad he is, how bad he was to you.

With time, with distance, with letting go and detachment...(and quite possibly in a pretty short time too) you may find yourself wishing and praying for only the best for all involved. You may find that the source of love in your heart allows for great forgiveness so that you can live your life without feeling mean or wishing for bad things to justify what had been such a difficult resentment.

Pray for yourself, for your family. You will find peace and freedom if you keep practicing detachment, meditation, self care and conscious contact with your higher power!!

fenestra

Hi siblingofaddict,

I decided this year not to spend Christmas day with my alcoholic mom (and, consequently, her side of the family). When I finally made this decision, I was hoping to feel relieved, but I experienced mixed emotions. I knew I was not emotionally up for being with her & family this year, but I still felt guilty or that I was responsible or "ruining Christmas." However, after a few days, knowing I made a choice to take care of myself did provide the the relief and peace I was seeking, and the guilt and sadness dissipated. I am trying to just sit with and process uncomfortable feelings instead of thinking I have to make everything "right."

Reducing contact with my mother over the past several weeks has helped my head clear a bit and has shown me that it's OK to take care of myself first. Not only is it OK, it's healthy! (I am still working through anger and releasing responsibility, but for now it's easier to do this with reduced contact.)

So I understand your wanting to have Christmas away from your brother and hostile family. I am sorry that you are treated so unkindly by them. Wanting to create a safe, secure, and healthy environment for yourself is an admirable goal. You know that your family will not provide this for you, but you also know that you can provide it for yourself. That's great! Try not to beat yourself up; be gentle with yourself. I'm sure you have many feelings to acknowledge; learning how to take care of oneself (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) is a process.

As for Christmas, are there any friends you can visit with on that day, or are there any volunteer opportunities you may join in your community? How can you make the holidays meaningful or special for you? (Maybe you need to rest, or maybe you need to serve, or maybe you need to laugh with a friend...)

I wish you the best, and I hope you find peace in the coming days.

p.s. I, too, would also love to hear from other posters about how they deal with and process anger.

lesliej

when I got into the 4th step inventory I learned so much about my anger.

anger can be very healthy, it is a red flag waving, the winds of anger blow (hurricane force?!) to let you know that a boundary is being crossed. then...

then what you do with that boundary is up to you. healthy or unhealthy...probably a mix, or a shade of grey...we are not perfect.

if the anger persists or is relentless, it has probably become a resentment. a resentment is when you start to focus, obsess, regret, project, dwell...etc, etc, etc, (insert unpleasant unhealthy state of being here) on a boundary crossing event that has happened/is happening.

the spiritual principle here? be in the moment. do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. learn from the issue...GROW from the issue, develop better, healthier, stronger boundaries, detach, let go, detach with love!, learn to love with compassion instead of pity, learn to communicate your expectations, learn which side of the street is yours, quit taking other peoples inventory and focus on your own...etc, etc, etc. (insert recovery and/or spiritual principles here)

My 4th step (which is an ongoing learning process) helped to illustrate a clear map of the geography of my life, how all of my issues are connected and why I react the way I react. When we remain angry, and hold on to the anger, and allow the anger to continue to be created (we allow our boundaries to continue to be violated) then we are not living in recovery...higher power related consciousness...we are not caring for our Self.

the simple message: if you are angry you alone have the power to change how you feel...it is YOUR life, do you want to spend it angry?