Update - Struggling with forgiveness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 51
Update - Struggling with forgiveness
Hi All,
Back reading and posting after a busy week at work. Finally finished codependent no more... I feel like I need to go back and reread 5 times what I highlighted! I particularly like the stages of grief, and the little snippet about forgiveness.... How it has to come from a place of self esteem and self worth, and how forgiveness is commonly abused and used against the Alanon.
AXBF got 30 days yesterday.. we've been talking. I've maintained my boundary of not living together and not being together. I swear not living with the addict (sober or not) make life 100000 times easier. I can detach, and have choices. And I can finally learn to let go of my anger and hurt, slowly. Letting go doesn't mean I'm taking him back though. I just do not want to carry around the past.... I want to heal and be a new person.
A gentleman was talking to me about Alanon, saying that after a few years in it I wouldn't want to touch an alcoholic with a 10 foot pole... That is the vibe I sometimes get from this forum... That whether an alcoholic is sober or not the odds are against it so don't even try? I AM a recovering addict! To each their own I suppose.
Also thinking about spending the holidays without him is very sad... I'm very happy with the way things are going, and grateful for all of you.. SR and it's regular posters are at the top of my gratitude list today..
Back reading and posting after a busy week at work. Finally finished codependent no more... I feel like I need to go back and reread 5 times what I highlighted! I particularly like the stages of grief, and the little snippet about forgiveness.... How it has to come from a place of self esteem and self worth, and how forgiveness is commonly abused and used against the Alanon.
AXBF got 30 days yesterday.. we've been talking. I've maintained my boundary of not living together and not being together. I swear not living with the addict (sober or not) make life 100000 times easier. I can detach, and have choices. And I can finally learn to let go of my anger and hurt, slowly. Letting go doesn't mean I'm taking him back though. I just do not want to carry around the past.... I want to heal and be a new person.
A gentleman was talking to me about Alanon, saying that after a few years in it I wouldn't want to touch an alcoholic with a 10 foot pole... That is the vibe I sometimes get from this forum... That whether an alcoholic is sober or not the odds are against it so don't even try? I AM a recovering addict! To each their own I suppose.
Also thinking about spending the holidays without him is very sad... I'm very happy with the way things are going, and grateful for all of you.. SR and it's regular posters are at the top of my gratitude list today..
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I don't know if I would ever be strong enough to be the right person for a recovering addict. I'm afraid my past experiences with the chaos would keep me constantly looking for signs of relapse. I lived just 3 weeks with an addicted BF and in that short period of time I felt like I was losing my mind. I also lost a man that meant the world to me when he died drinking and driving. It's one of the worst things I've ever been through in my life, and I wouldn't want to risk dealing with that kind of life-long pain again. I'll never really get over that loss.
My brother is a recovering addict and I lived with him while he was trying to stay clean. That wasn't nearly as bad as the BF, but I still didn't handle things well sometimes. Didn't think I was going nuts, just wasn't strong enough to always make the best choices. I also don't think I could ever love another person enough to go through that again even for one day, except for a family member. I'd go to the ends of the earth for my brothers, but not for another man.
I think when people here give off that vibe, it's mostly about addicts and alcoholics during active use. I wouldn't tell another person to run from someone with a good year of sobriety under their belt. I hope so much for my brother's sake that someone will take the risk of loving him once he's ready for a relationship. I do believe that person will come along, but I just sincerely doubt that I will ever be the one for an RA.
My brother is a recovering addict and I lived with him while he was trying to stay clean. That wasn't nearly as bad as the BF, but I still didn't handle things well sometimes. Didn't think I was going nuts, just wasn't strong enough to always make the best choices. I also don't think I could ever love another person enough to go through that again even for one day, except for a family member. I'd go to the ends of the earth for my brothers, but not for another man.
I think when people here give off that vibe, it's mostly about addicts and alcoholics during active use. I wouldn't tell another person to run from someone with a good year of sobriety under their belt. I hope so much for my brother's sake that someone will take the risk of loving him once he's ready for a relationship. I do believe that person will come along, but I just sincerely doubt that I will ever be the one for an RA.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 47
Well said Hanna - after living with my RA brother, I could never willingly put myself in a situation again. I just moved out of my dysfunctional family's home, and to imagine putting myself back into a situation I could avoid? I can't. Dating an RA would bring out the worst in me, I'm afraid...it's hard enough being in a relationship with a healthier person!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((humnbird))) - I, too, am an RA. I often wonder if any man would ever give me a chance, with my history, but in all honesty, I've had nothing BUT relationships with A's and I'm not even sure of my own feelings. I haven't yet tried the dating thing, not quite comfortable with ME, but hoping I get there
Has my experience clouded my judgment? Not really sure. I do believe we RA's deserve a second chance, but I also totally understand the hesitancy in trusting someone with a past. I just try to keep MY side of the street clean, and see what happens. The way I look at it, we get into relationships and there is no guarantee. Relationships either go great or they fail, and addiction/recovery is one of those things we are more aware of.
BTW, I wore out 2 copies of "codie no more", with the highlighter That was before it really sunk in! I probably need to get another copy and read it again..maybe that will be a Christmas present to me!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Has my experience clouded my judgment? Not really sure. I do believe we RA's deserve a second chance, but I also totally understand the hesitancy in trusting someone with a past. I just try to keep MY side of the street clean, and see what happens. The way I look at it, we get into relationships and there is no guarantee. Relationships either go great or they fail, and addiction/recovery is one of those things we are more aware of.
BTW, I wore out 2 copies of "codie no more", with the highlighter
That was before it really sunk in! I probably need to get another copy and read it again..maybe that will be a Christmas present to me!Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
For me - forgiveness really has NOTHING to do with the other person - it's all in my garden of self . . .
I learned so much in recovery about forgiveness
that forgiving isn't the same as forgetting
forgiveness is for ME not for anyone else
and mainly I am forgiving myself for not protecting myself from the things that caused me pain ~ either because I wasn't aware of the impending dangers or I was to frightened to make a healthier choice - maybe I didn't even realize I had the option to make a healthier choice. . .
That's how I was able to work thru the forgiveness part . . .
As for the relationship with another alcoholic/addict . . . I said I would never be involved with anyone that had that issue again after my divorce from my ex ah - I worked hard to be attracted to healthier men and to find better for me. MrPINKAcres is a wonderful heathy man (not perfect but a great person) but he like me has an adult child that suffers from this disease. . .
I thought I would be away from the disease, but my HP had other plans.
PINK HUGS & best wishes for you,
Rita
I learned so much in recovery about forgiveness
that forgiving isn't the same as forgetting
forgiveness is for ME not for anyone else
and mainly I am forgiving myself for not protecting myself from the things that caused me pain ~ either because I wasn't aware of the impending dangers or I was to frightened to make a healthier choice - maybe I didn't even realize I had the option to make a healthier choice. . .
That's how I was able to work thru the forgiveness part . . .
As for the relationship with another alcoholic/addict . . . I said I would never be involved with anyone that had that issue again after my divorce from my ex ah - I worked hard to be attracted to healthier men and to find better for me. MrPINKAcres is a wonderful heathy man (not perfect but a great person) but he like me has an adult child that suffers from this disease. . .
I thought I would be away from the disease, but my HP had other plans.
PINK HUGS & best wishes for you,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Humnbird,
Yours was the first post I saw here when I was at home alone and my exABF was out using the last time...I had found out that night that he had been lying, lying in a new way to me after two years of relapsing (supposedly he had 8 month clean before the last outing, and I had some hopes for his longer term recovery). I was writing on here as I asked him to move out and as he packed his things over the next two days.
I felt like I had so much in common, and I needed the camaraderie of this site. I needed the tough love to buoy me through such a hard decision. It has been 5 weeks and as far as I know he has been clean.
We don't talk on the phone. I don't need to hear his voice right now. We have exchanged some lengthy writing...but only every several days or so, with healthy periods of no contact in between. As much as I know he needs time to wake up, bear witness to his own life, where he is at, where he has been, reflect and plan forward...so do I.
I need all those things as well. I need them without the pressure and stress of decision making, I need them without fear of loss, I need them with a sensibility of self...self care, self soul, self spirit, self life.
I am IN RECOVERY...solid now for almost six years. HE WAS NOT. I have done A LOT of work...not only in my own recovery from alcoholism (and cigs too!) but for the last year with al anon...big time. I am tired, I have been working hard, really hard. For me the fact that I asked him to leave, that I detached with love in a defined manner (I believe intensely necessary with a crack addict!!) is evidence of the work I have done.
He has a long road ahead of him. If we were to even imagine the possibility of trying to be together again...for all the good that is in the man...there would have to be evidence that he was really working a program. It would be pretty easy for me to see. He would be leading his life instead of skimming by and surviving. It is easy to see...NOW that I have had some distance.
As much as he needs distance from his DOC to gain clarity and balance and life...
SO DO I.
I needed this distance. I am in recovery. I may not be perfect but I have A LOT to offer in a relationship...especially BECAUSE I am in recovery. Seriously.
I think this man needs a year. I think he needs someone who will believe in his recovery...I may have lost that ability, I don't know, time will tell.
He, like all of us, needs trust...I don't know if we can rebuild it.
I say all of these things in reflection to you...not to hijack.
I felt a similarity of situation with you and hope there might be something you can use from this post.
I am comfortable having some intermittent communication concerning recovery, growth, and reflection on where we have been....and FORGIVENESS will grow from it. For now that is the best I can hope for. I let it rest at peace, to be nurtured and grow into serenity and peace of forgiveness.
Yours was the first post I saw here when I was at home alone and my exABF was out using the last time...I had found out that night that he had been lying, lying in a new way to me after two years of relapsing (supposedly he had 8 month clean before the last outing, and I had some hopes for his longer term recovery). I was writing on here as I asked him to move out and as he packed his things over the next two days.
I felt like I had so much in common, and I needed the camaraderie of this site. I needed the tough love to buoy me through such a hard decision. It has been 5 weeks and as far as I know he has been clean.
We don't talk on the phone. I don't need to hear his voice right now. We have exchanged some lengthy writing...but only every several days or so, with healthy periods of no contact in between. As much as I know he needs time to wake up, bear witness to his own life, where he is at, where he has been, reflect and plan forward...so do I.
I need all those things as well. I need them without the pressure and stress of decision making, I need them without fear of loss, I need them with a sensibility of self...self care, self soul, self spirit, self life.
I am IN RECOVERY...solid now for almost six years. HE WAS NOT. I have done A LOT of work...not only in my own recovery from alcoholism (and cigs too!) but for the last year with al anon...big time. I am tired, I have been working hard, really hard. For me the fact that I asked him to leave, that I detached with love in a defined manner (I believe intensely necessary with a crack addict!!) is evidence of the work I have done.
He has a long road ahead of him. If we were to even imagine the possibility of trying to be together again...for all the good that is in the man...there would have to be evidence that he was really working a program. It would be pretty easy for me to see. He would be leading his life instead of skimming by and surviving. It is easy to see...NOW that I have had some distance.
As much as he needs distance from his DOC to gain clarity and balance and life...
SO DO I.
I needed this distance. I am in recovery. I may not be perfect but I have A LOT to offer in a relationship...especially BECAUSE I am in recovery. Seriously.
I think this man needs a year. I think he needs someone who will believe in his recovery...I may have lost that ability, I don't know, time will tell.
He, like all of us, needs trust...I don't know if we can rebuild it.
I say all of these things in reflection to you...not to hijack.
I felt a similarity of situation with you and hope there might be something you can use from this post.
I am comfortable having some intermittent communication concerning recovery, growth, and reflection on where we have been....and FORGIVENESS will grow from it. For now that is the best I can hope for. I let it rest at peace, to be nurtured and grow into serenity and peace of forgiveness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
My ex and I met right before xmas and shared the night for the first time on xmas night. I move into the season with plans for a lot of quietude, and self care, and gentleness with self. Life is a mystery. I turn mine over to my higher power. I have been struggling really hard to try to hold this love together. I have laid down my weapons and I surrender. I turn from fear to love, and believe in the goodness of life around me by practicing gratitude.
Use this time well, we are in a soulful period of reflection...hibernation, germination. The seeds we plant now in our imagination will come to fruition. Tend to the soul of self.
Use this time well, we are in a soulful period of reflection...hibernation, germination. The seeds we plant now in our imagination will come to fruition. Tend to the soul of self.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 51
He has a long road ahead of him. If we were to even imagine the possibility of trying to be together again...for all the good that is in the man...there would have to be evidence that he was really working a program. It would be pretty easy for me to see. He would be leading his life instead of skimming by and surviving. It is easy to see...NOW that I have had some distance. It is very easy to see, and I've learn by now that if I have even a SHRED of doubt, that something is not right. Anyone can do what they think they should to get someone back for a short time, so only time will tell if this is going to stick.
As much as he needs distance from his DOC to gain clarity and balance and life...
SO DO I. It's so hard for me to view a person as a DOC, but i'm getting there. I may be copping out to avoid pain by allowing too much contact... I guess we shall see.
I think this man needs a year. I think he needs someone who will believe in his recovery...I may have lost that ability, I don't know, time will tell.
He, like all of us, needs trust...I don't know if we can rebuild it. This is the saddest part of everything I believe, that something so beautiful may have been damaged beyond repair, and that someone else has to be the one to enjoy the transformation... Still a question mark only time can answer.
I say all of these things in reflection to you...not to hijack.
I felt a similarity of situation with you and hope there might be something you can use from this post. Thank you so much : )
As much as he needs distance from his DOC to gain clarity and balance and life...
SO DO I. It's so hard for me to view a person as a DOC, but i'm getting there. I may be copping out to avoid pain by allowing too much contact... I guess we shall see.
I think this man needs a year. I think he needs someone who will believe in his recovery...I may have lost that ability, I don't know, time will tell.
He, like all of us, needs trust...I don't know if we can rebuild it. This is the saddest part of everything I believe, that something so beautiful may have been damaged beyond repair, and that someone else has to be the one to enjoy the transformation... Still a question mark only time can answer.
I say all of these things in reflection to you...not to hijack.
I felt a similarity of situation with you and hope there might be something you can use from this post. Thank you so much : )
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