To leave or to make him leave?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Indiana
Posts: 3
To leave or to make him leave?
I posted earlier briefly about my situation.
I keep struggling over the idea of whether to leave, whether to stay, or whether to kick my AH out. I want to put him to an ultimatum on his drinking/drugs, but I'm not sure that's the right choice. If I did an ultimatum, it would be something like: "either get yourself into a program to deal with your mental health/addictions or move out."
My AH is not in recovery. He is addicted to alcohol, marijuana, and a few other non-drug things, like porn, World of Warcraft, food. He has depression and anxiety, insomnia, and a lot of anger. His most common attitude is scorn/frustration, which he switches up for depression/shut-down from time to time.
We have two very young daughters (ages 2.5 and 1.5). We also care for my AH's two older children from his first marriage. They are 16 (girl) and 11 (boy).
We have serious financial issues; we run a business for which he is primarily responsible. We have no other income. I take care of the kids, but I am also involved with our business. I was pretty much unable to help for awhile there, with my two little ones, 14 months apart. It is getting easier now for me to help with things, but I am finding that our financials are a mess. He plays the avoidance game. Instead of doing the accounting and figuring out how to get our bills paid, he plays WoW, and drinks, and smokes weed, and does everything he can to avoid the inevitable.
Our business is based out of our home. Kicking him out would be tricky, from that standpoint alone. Plus, I would be a little bit worried about retaliation from him. I think I could handle the business, if I had some help with my kids. But he would go into a rage if I tried to take over, even temporarily.
He has become more and more verbally/emotionally abusive with me (and with his oldest daughter, the 16-year-old) over the past four years or so. I can't hardly take the instability and unpredictability. And I am not willing to get physically sick over all this, because I fear that's the way it's going. I just keep sucking it up, pushing it down, walking on eggshells, hoping he will change.
I have a place to go if I left. My girls and I could go to my parents. My stepkids could go to their mom's house, but I hate to do that to them. This is their home. I could also get a job; I know that. I'm not afraid of being unable to take care of myself.
What I am afraid of is losing all the work we've put into this business. I love our business. It is my dream. We've done so well, and I don't want to lose all that. I also love our home. It's the most stable place my stepkids have had in their whole lives. It's the only home my babies have ever known.
It seems so wrong for their dad to be doing this to us, and for us to have to leave.
And yet, it seems so clear that he needs intervention of some kind, before he ruins our business and our marriage. I think I could love him again, possibly, if he'd get help.
By the way, I am working the steps in Al-Anon, but I *just* started, and he does all he can to sabotage my efforts to go.
Please help. Any suggestions are appreciated.
Warmly,
Hael
I keep struggling over the idea of whether to leave, whether to stay, or whether to kick my AH out. I want to put him to an ultimatum on his drinking/drugs, but I'm not sure that's the right choice. If I did an ultimatum, it would be something like: "either get yourself into a program to deal with your mental health/addictions or move out."
My AH is not in recovery. He is addicted to alcohol, marijuana, and a few other non-drug things, like porn, World of Warcraft, food. He has depression and anxiety, insomnia, and a lot of anger. His most common attitude is scorn/frustration, which he switches up for depression/shut-down from time to time.
We have two very young daughters (ages 2.5 and 1.5). We also care for my AH's two older children from his first marriage. They are 16 (girl) and 11 (boy).
We have serious financial issues; we run a business for which he is primarily responsible. We have no other income. I take care of the kids, but I am also involved with our business. I was pretty much unable to help for awhile there, with my two little ones, 14 months apart. It is getting easier now for me to help with things, but I am finding that our financials are a mess. He plays the avoidance game. Instead of doing the accounting and figuring out how to get our bills paid, he plays WoW, and drinks, and smokes weed, and does everything he can to avoid the inevitable.
Our business is based out of our home. Kicking him out would be tricky, from that standpoint alone. Plus, I would be a little bit worried about retaliation from him. I think I could handle the business, if I had some help with my kids. But he would go into a rage if I tried to take over, even temporarily.
He has become more and more verbally/emotionally abusive with me (and with his oldest daughter, the 16-year-old) over the past four years or so. I can't hardly take the instability and unpredictability. And I am not willing to get physically sick over all this, because I fear that's the way it's going. I just keep sucking it up, pushing it down, walking on eggshells, hoping he will change.
I have a place to go if I left. My girls and I could go to my parents. My stepkids could go to their mom's house, but I hate to do that to them. This is their home. I could also get a job; I know that. I'm not afraid of being unable to take care of myself.
What I am afraid of is losing all the work we've put into this business. I love our business. It is my dream. We've done so well, and I don't want to lose all that. I also love our home. It's the most stable place my stepkids have had in their whole lives. It's the only home my babies have ever known.
It seems so wrong for their dad to be doing this to us, and for us to have to leave.
And yet, it seems so clear that he needs intervention of some kind, before he ruins our business and our marriage. I think I could love him again, possibly, if he'd get help.
By the way, I am working the steps in Al-Anon, but I *just* started, and he does all he can to sabotage my efforts to go.
Please help. Any suggestions are appreciated.
Warmly,
Hael
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
wow, ok. I am happy to see you're considering all options.
My first reaction is: Have you spoken to a lawyer (or several lawyers)? You need to get a lay of the land, in terms of your legal rights and responsibilities, with regards to separation of house and finances. It's hard for anyone here to just say "do x" and for that solution to fit your situation.
As for retaliation, I remember well the fear I kept in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the AXE to to fall and to chop my head off...my XAH made a lot of threats but in the end, he was just full of hot air. Again, this is something you need to discuss with a lawyer.
I would encourage you to sit down and document all that has happened (that you can remember), in point form, including dates and times if possible. You need to show your lawyer a clear picture of your AH's state, in terms of his addiction as well as in terms of his abusive tendencies. I would start putting all important paperwork (birth certificates, marriage certificate, business license, mortgage documents, etc etc) in a safe place, like at your parents' place, so that if you do have to leave, you'll have access to them.
As for the business...I really don't know if you'll be able to walk away from the marriage with any part of it. Again, a lawyer will be able to give you guidance. I know it will hurt a whole bunch if you do have to give up the business but perhaps it's the price you'll have to pay to win your freedom and a SANE life for you and your daughters. Isn't that worth it?
(Also, I'm thinking that if you walk away and leave it to your AH, it'll no doubt crash and burn eventually...perhaps the clients will come towards you afterwards if it's possible?)
IMO, where your stepkids are concerned, you cannot save everyone and you need to think of your own children as well. Thankfully they have a mother, and I do hope she is saner than their father. Can you discuss the situation with her and negotiate for her kids to come visit with yours, if you do decide to leave yourself? In my situation, I had to leave my stepson behind and it was the hardest decision I ever made....but I really had no choice considering the situation. I pray to HP every day that he eventually understands and contacts me again once he is old enough.
*hugs* to you.
My first reaction is: Have you spoken to a lawyer (or several lawyers)? You need to get a lay of the land, in terms of your legal rights and responsibilities, with regards to separation of house and finances. It's hard for anyone here to just say "do x" and for that solution to fit your situation.
As for retaliation, I remember well the fear I kept in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the AXE to to fall and to chop my head off...my XAH made a lot of threats but in the end, he was just full of hot air. Again, this is something you need to discuss with a lawyer.
I would encourage you to sit down and document all that has happened (that you can remember), in point form, including dates and times if possible. You need to show your lawyer a clear picture of your AH's state, in terms of his addiction as well as in terms of his abusive tendencies. I would start putting all important paperwork (birth certificates, marriage certificate, business license, mortgage documents, etc etc) in a safe place, like at your parents' place, so that if you do have to leave, you'll have access to them.
As for the business...I really don't know if you'll be able to walk away from the marriage with any part of it. Again, a lawyer will be able to give you guidance. I know it will hurt a whole bunch if you do have to give up the business but perhaps it's the price you'll have to pay to win your freedom and a SANE life for you and your daughters. Isn't that worth it?
(Also, I'm thinking that if you walk away and leave it to your AH, it'll no doubt crash and burn eventually...perhaps the clients will come towards you afterwards if it's possible?)
IMO, where your stepkids are concerned, you cannot save everyone and you need to think of your own children as well. Thankfully they have a mother, and I do hope she is saner than their father. Can you discuss the situation with her and negotiate for her kids to come visit with yours, if you do decide to leave yourself? In my situation, I had to leave my stepson behind and it was the hardest decision I ever made....but I really had no choice considering the situation. I pray to HP every day that he eventually understands and contacts me again once he is old enough.
*hugs* to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
In general, I would say getting out of the situation is more important than how.
The step kid situation is tricky, though. Is their mother in the picture? Is she sane? If so, you could support her in getting custody of the stepkids.
The step kid situation is tricky, though. Is their mother in the picture? Is she sane? If so, you could support her in getting custody of the stepkids.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The way I read it is, you need to get to the point where you can decide you're IN or you're OUT of this marriage. It does not sound like you are ready to make that decision. So, the question is, do ultimatums work? IMO, no, ultimatums do not work for either the alcoholic or the person who wants them to stop drinking.
From what you describe, that dude's got SERIOUS issues, that a program is not going to solve overnight anyway. These kinds of things take years to work through, and lots of falling down and staying down for long periods until something makes us get back up and try again. And again and again. At least that's how it's been for me and every other alcoholic I have known who has attempted Recovery.
It's easy to think we know the answer(s) to someone else's problem. I can't tell you how many times I have been through this (without the kids and marriage part)-silently observing, pondering, researching, reading, and coming up with all the ideas and ways to "fix" another person just so that I can live peaceably with them. (Not to mention all the tears). It does not work. I've learned that I've either got to accept them for who they are, and adore them enough to live with their crap, or Not. I've spent THOUSANDS of dollars trying to help other people "fix" themselves so that I can be with them, when I should have been spending that money on ME! I've also learned that I much prefer to live ALONE, and that my life and my responsibilities are much easier to handle when I do not also have to take care of another fully grown adult and deal with their drunken BS.
Oops, sorry for the rant, your story took me back a few years
You will have to go through whatever it is you need to go through in order to get to where it is you are going.
From what you describe, that dude's got SERIOUS issues, that a program is not going to solve overnight anyway. These kinds of things take years to work through, and lots of falling down and staying down for long periods until something makes us get back up and try again. And again and again. At least that's how it's been for me and every other alcoholic I have known who has attempted Recovery.
It's easy to think we know the answer(s) to someone else's problem. I can't tell you how many times I have been through this (without the kids and marriage part)-silently observing, pondering, researching, reading, and coming up with all the ideas and ways to "fix" another person just so that I can live peaceably with them. (Not to mention all the tears). It does not work. I've learned that I've either got to accept them for who they are, and adore them enough to live with their crap, or Not. I've spent THOUSANDS of dollars trying to help other people "fix" themselves so that I can be with them, when I should have been spending that money on ME! I've also learned that I much prefer to live ALONE, and that my life and my responsibilities are much easier to handle when I do not also have to take care of another fully grown adult and deal with their drunken BS.
Oops, sorry for the rant, your story took me back a few years
You will have to go through whatever it is you need to go through in order to get to where it is you are going.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is the father of yoru children. Your answer about leaving is right here:
"My AH is not in recovery. He is addicted to alcohol, marijuana, and a few other non-drug things, like porn, World of Warcraft, food. He has depression and anxiety, insomnia, and a lot of anger. His most common attitude is scorn/frustration, which he switches up for depression/shut-down from time to time."
If you know you need to be apart then if you can't get him to leave there's only one other option. The real victims here are your children. They don't have a choice. You must protect them.
Cyranoak
"My AH is not in recovery. He is addicted to alcohol, marijuana, and a few other non-drug things, like porn, World of Warcraft, food. He has depression and anxiety, insomnia, and a lot of anger. His most common attitude is scorn/frustration, which he switches up for depression/shut-down from time to time."
If you know you need to be apart then if you can't get him to leave there's only one other option. The real victims here are your children. They don't have a choice. You must protect them.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Couple of concerns,
First your safety and that of all the children.
Second, he is killing the business, financials are bad, will you keep the business and get stuck with the debt.
If you divorce your lawyer should hire a forensic accountant to make sure that money has not been embezzled, hidden, etc. and to tell you how bad things really are, may be better to fold and start over without him.
Keep the house, you need it for you and the kids, he's the one that created this mess, let him deal with the consequences.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
First your safety and that of all the children.
Second, he is killing the business, financials are bad, will you keep the business and get stuck with the debt.
If you divorce your lawyer should hire a forensic accountant to make sure that money has not been embezzled, hidden, etc. and to tell you how bad things really are, may be better to fold and start over without him.
Keep the house, you need it for you and the kids, he's the one that created this mess, let him deal with the consequences.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Last edited by Willybluedog; 12-13-2011 at 04:47 PM. Reason: spelling
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I'd consider a consultation with a lawyer to see where you stand on the issues - might be that the more info you have, the easier the decision will be to make.
I always put things on paper, in columns when I have to make a decision - sometimes seeing it written down makes it obvious . . .
Very Best Wishes!!!
Blue
I always put things on paper, in columns when I have to make a decision - sometimes seeing it written down makes it obvious . . .
Very Best Wishes!!!
Blue
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