Help! I don't know what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 14
Help! I don't know what to do.
I could really use some help. I am engaged to a man who had been several years sober. I never had before seen what he is like when he drinks. Well a week ago, we had an argument, it wasn't a huge argument, but for the first time in our relationship he left the house with a bag of cloths and drank for a day. Because of my text messages asking that he come home, he did that night, told me it was all his fault, and dove right into AA. He had 5 days sober and kept asking me if I was thinking of postponing our wedding. Finally I told him that I thought that we should postpone our wedding (which was five months away) both so that he could focus on his recovery and we could heal. He became extremely upset and starting telling me that he didn't believe that I loved him or thought that he was good enough for me, which is not true, I still lvoed him and wanted to marry him.
he left the house telling me he was going to his brothers and would be back that night. It has now been 4 days and I haven't heard from him except an occ text message saying things like "you tore me up." He won't talk to me on the phone, and now I haven't heard from him at all in 2 days. I don't know what he is thinking, if he wants to break up, if he is too scared to face me, if he is too angry.
I have never had this happen, where you can't even try to fix the relationship because the person won't talk to you. At this point I don't know what to think, before he left we still had a pretty strong relationship, but now I don't know if we can even be together. I don't know if I should break up with him. A part of me blames myself for telling him too soon into his recovery that I wanted to postpone the wedding. Did I? What is he most likely feeling and how should I act when he comes home. I went to Alanon and didn't find it helpful. Help!
he left the house telling me he was going to his brothers and would be back that night. It has now been 4 days and I haven't heard from him except an occ text message saying things like "you tore me up." He won't talk to me on the phone, and now I haven't heard from him at all in 2 days. I don't know what he is thinking, if he wants to break up, if he is too scared to face me, if he is too angry.
I have never had this happen, where you can't even try to fix the relationship because the person won't talk to you. At this point I don't know what to think, before he left we still had a pretty strong relationship, but now I don't know if we can even be together. I don't know if I should break up with him. A part of me blames myself for telling him too soon into his recovery that I wanted to postpone the wedding. Did I? What is he most likely feeling and how should I act when he comes home. I went to Alanon and didn't find it helpful. Help!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
In MY opinion.......he tore himself up.
Just a guess but he may have had 5 yrs since his last drink but he was obviously missing something in his recovery......or else he wouldn't have failed at it.
It's NOT your fault.
Who knows, maybe this was the best thing that could happen.....that you see more of the "real" him - his weaknesses, his failings, etc.
Whether or not you stay together....lol....I'm not EVEN close to qualified to comment on. If it were me though, and I was engaged to an alkie and they went out and drank again, I'm 99.9999999999999999% positive I would have delayed it as well - for the exact same reasons you described above.
Make sure to check out the "friends and family" part of this site. I'm sure you'll find more than a couple folks who've been through exactly the same situation. They'll be able to share some real experience in dealing with this stuff with you.
As for the not talking thing....I'm one to do that from time to time now (4+yrs recovered alkie in AA). In the past, I'd just let it all out......usually say a ton of stuff I don't mean, and actually make things worse - all in the interest of being "open." Now though, I hold my tongue. That said, I'll make a point to acknowledge the situation......I told "her" that I do want to talk about it but that, for now, my emotions were off the charts and it was better for both of us to put it on the back burner for a bit. Then again, I'm actively working a recovery program......your man might just be using the blow-up as an excuse to keep on drinking. Who knows......yanno?
Hit that friends and family section......or, even better, Google "alanon" and hit a meeting in your area - that would be awesome!
Just a guess but he may have had 5 yrs since his last drink but he was obviously missing something in his recovery......or else he wouldn't have failed at it.
It's NOT your fault.
Who knows, maybe this was the best thing that could happen.....that you see more of the "real" him - his weaknesses, his failings, etc.
Whether or not you stay together....lol....I'm not EVEN close to qualified to comment on. If it were me though, and I was engaged to an alkie and they went out and drank again, I'm 99.9999999999999999% positive I would have delayed it as well - for the exact same reasons you described above.
Make sure to check out the "friends and family" part of this site. I'm sure you'll find more than a couple folks who've been through exactly the same situation. They'll be able to share some real experience in dealing with this stuff with you.
As for the not talking thing....I'm one to do that from time to time now (4+yrs recovered alkie in AA). In the past, I'd just let it all out......usually say a ton of stuff I don't mean, and actually make things worse - all in the interest of being "open." Now though, I hold my tongue. That said, I'll make a point to acknowledge the situation......I told "her" that I do want to talk about it but that, for now, my emotions were off the charts and it was better for both of us to put it on the back burner for a bit. Then again, I'm actively working a recovery program......your man might just be using the blow-up as an excuse to keep on drinking. Who knows......yanno?
Hit that friends and family section......or, even better, Google "alanon" and hit a meeting in your area - that would be awesome!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I'm from the Friends and Family side. I think it is wise to postpone things.
You did not cause him to drink.
You cannot control whether he drinks.
You cannot cure him.
Since he is not communicating with you at this time, there is really nothing for you to do at this time about this relationship other than educate yourself through this Site, and perhaps Alanon (sometimes it takes a few tries to find a group that "fits").
It might be wise to starting seeking a refund of deposits paid for the wedding. The further out you do this, the more likely you will be of success. And if you have co-joined yourself financially, you might want to separate your accounts at this time. If he continues to drink you may come to not recognize the man (& his actions) you agreed to marry.
He may get over this relapse quickly and stop drinking, but it does sound like he has some recovery work to do (these are two very separate things).
I am not suggesting to not marry him ever, I am just suggesting that there are things here to do that are practical and that he has to do more than just put down the bottle.
Also, he isn't drinking AT you, he's just drinking. I used to take my AH's drinking as a personal affront, and that's just wrong.
Sending you kind thoughts...
You did not cause him to drink.
You cannot control whether he drinks.
You cannot cure him.
Since he is not communicating with you at this time, there is really nothing for you to do at this time about this relationship other than educate yourself through this Site, and perhaps Alanon (sometimes it takes a few tries to find a group that "fits").
It might be wise to starting seeking a refund of deposits paid for the wedding. The further out you do this, the more likely you will be of success. And if you have co-joined yourself financially, you might want to separate your accounts at this time. If he continues to drink you may come to not recognize the man (& his actions) you agreed to marry.
He may get over this relapse quickly and stop drinking, but it does sound like he has some recovery work to do (these are two very separate things).
I am not suggesting to not marry him ever, I am just suggesting that there are things here to do that are practical and that he has to do more than just put down the bottle.
Also, he isn't drinking AT you, he's just drinking. I used to take my AH's drinking as a personal affront, and that's just wrong.
Sending you kind thoughts...
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Megan, thanks for your question, and Daytrader for your response, with which I agree.
Megan, at the very least, you now know who it is you are engaged to; both sides of him. Although I, as an alcoholic, am a broken person, I have the hope of recovery so long as I don't drink. If I do, all bets are off. I have no precarious balance between the two. Although I am not a black/white thinker in life (I'm an all shades of gray guy), with drinking and myself, it is black and white. Jekyll and Hyde to core of my bones. Those who know me best even know which "me" to address, or at least they did before I stopped the madness.
The only reason I tell you this is that I believe that in order for you to marry this guy, you have to have a very good understanding of alcoholism. It's kinda like you are marrying a pastor, who will always be a pastor's wife. Instead, you'll always be an alcoholics wife. That can be okay, in fact it can be great, as I think highly of my fellow alcoholics, when they are in recovery. But, you also have to be aware of the triggers and challenges your fiance might face, some of which may make no sense at all.
If you genuinely love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him, I believe you'll need to both be open and honest with yourselves and each other about this facet of your lives. It's not insurmountable, but it will always be there, whether he is drinking or not.
Must my two cents.
Megan, at the very least, you now know who it is you are engaged to; both sides of him. Although I, as an alcoholic, am a broken person, I have the hope of recovery so long as I don't drink. If I do, all bets are off. I have no precarious balance between the two. Although I am not a black/white thinker in life (I'm an all shades of gray guy), with drinking and myself, it is black and white. Jekyll and Hyde to core of my bones. Those who know me best even know which "me" to address, or at least they did before I stopped the madness.
The only reason I tell you this is that I believe that in order for you to marry this guy, you have to have a very good understanding of alcoholism. It's kinda like you are marrying a pastor, who will always be a pastor's wife. Instead, you'll always be an alcoholics wife. That can be okay, in fact it can be great, as I think highly of my fellow alcoholics, when they are in recovery. But, you also have to be aware of the triggers and challenges your fiance might face, some of which may make no sense at all.
If you genuinely love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him, I believe you'll need to both be open and honest with yourselves and each other about this facet of your lives. It's not insurmountable, but it will always be there, whether he is drinking or not.
Must my two cents.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Megan, there's a family and friends forum on here that might be helpful for advice from the non-alcoholic viewpoint. But as an alcoholic, it doesn't sound like he was working his program very well if a minor argument could send him drinking -- odds are, that argument was just the excuse that he'd been looking for for a while to get drunk. If he's drinking, it's not your fault. It's not your responsibility. Neither is his recovery.
In a general way, an active alcoholic is incredibly self-centered. So is a sober alcoholic who isn't working a very good program. We're still alcoholics, drinking or not. You have to set your boundaries and stick to them. You don't want to marry an active alcoholic -- no one in their right mind wants to go through that. Hopefully, he'll see that and use the 12 Steps to improve himself. But realistically, if you stay with him, stuff like this may or may not happen and its not really a reflection on how he feels about you or your relationship. He's an alcoholic and it's what we do, unless we're active in our recovery. He's not necessarily doing it to hurt you -- mostly because he's not really thinking about you at all if he's drinking.
I mean all of this in a general way based off my own experience, so take it with that in mind.
--Fenris.
In a general way, an active alcoholic is incredibly self-centered. So is a sober alcoholic who isn't working a very good program. We're still alcoholics, drinking or not. You have to set your boundaries and stick to them. You don't want to marry an active alcoholic -- no one in their right mind wants to go through that. Hopefully, he'll see that and use the 12 Steps to improve himself. But realistically, if you stay with him, stuff like this may or may not happen and its not really a reflection on how he feels about you or your relationship. He's an alcoholic and it's what we do, unless we're active in our recovery. He's not necessarily doing it to hurt you -- mostly because he's not really thinking about you at all if he's drinking.
I mean all of this in a general way based off my own experience, so take it with that in mind.
--Fenris.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi and welcome Megan
I can't tell you what to do but I think it's common sense to slow things down until you decide what you should do. Marriage should be seen as a life time commitment IMO and you need to be 100% sure before you go ahead.
The one thing I will say is this is not your fault. Noone ever made me drink - tho I may have blamed people at the time, it was always my decision.
You'll find a lot of support here, and a lot of help and hope
Our family and friend forum link that several people have mentioned is here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm sorry you didn't find AlAnon helpful - did you go often? did you connect with anyone there at all?
D
I can't tell you what to do but I think it's common sense to slow things down until you decide what you should do. Marriage should be seen as a life time commitment IMO and you need to be 100% sure before you go ahead.
The one thing I will say is this is not your fault. Noone ever made me drink - tho I may have blamed people at the time, it was always my decision.
You'll find a lot of support here, and a lot of help and hope
Our family and friend forum link that several people have mentioned is here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm sorry you didn't find AlAnon helpful - did you go often? did you connect with anyone there at all?
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
