The Other World

Old 12-12-2011, 10:06 PM
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The Other World

I thought this was an appropriate title because it just seems to be the place one is in when you are with an alcoholic. I have an alcoholic boyfriend of 3 years. He is a functional alcoholic. At this particular point, I've put a bit of distance between he and I because I have grown tired of the 100th time of his "punishments" of silence and indifference due to some perceived slight, and my usual response of "why didn't you just talk to me about that". He has done this quite a bit in the last four months. This month has been especially ridiculous because I've gone through some issues in which I needed his support. He just wasn't there for me. It was almost like he was put upon. So after last weekend of being told that we couldn't do anything on the weekend because he had to watch football (although I was welcome to join him), and he wasn't coming over to my house for awhile because I told him to go home the last time that he did (I've never told him that, and have no clue what happened), I am fed up.


Recently, he's been trying not to drink so much. I actually find it kind of humorous because he can "not drink" all he wants, but he's not actually dealing with the issues. I think he has an underlying issue, but I don't know which came first. I am actually embarrassed to say that he's actually better drunk because he is more open, happier, communicates better, and is more understanding, although I've never said "you should stay drunk" or encouraged it. He is cynical and crabby sober. I've asked him about this. He has explained that without the liquor he does not trust people and has racing thoughts. With the liquor, it's better. I told him that they have pills for that. He said he does not like pills. We have talked about AA, and he won't go because he doesn't want to be in a "fish bowl". I really haven't argued with him much about it, stating that it was up to him.

Anyway, in the process of removing myself, he does text on occasion, and I do return them, but they are nothing in depth. He invited me over Saturday, (he started cancelling our Wednesday dates, although I don't know why) and I did not go because I had made other plans. I also didn't want to watch 5 football games, be treated indifferently, and pretend like nothing is wrong. Sunday, he did a couple of things to "punish" me for that, and I ignored him. I've tried talking to him about all of this previously, and I'm either told I'm creating drama or the subject is changed. He lives right across the street, so sometimes that is hard, but I manage. He never leaves his house, except to go to work and to get Fours from the store. Today, I mailed him a link on passive aggressive behavior. It was a very tactful article, and I did it to emphasis why there is a change in my behavior. The article emphasized tons of things that I have said to him in the past. But I really don't think he cares. Long ago, I gave him three books on alcoholism. That didn't matter either.

Anyway, I'm kind of grieving tonight. There were elements of the relationship that were good. Alcohol and passive aggressive behavior just mess it up too much.
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Old 12-13-2011, 02:30 AM
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I found that I had to get help for myself, then I could make better decisions about my relationship.

Have you heard of Al-anon? It is for friends and families of people that have someone with an alcoholic in their life. There was a lot of reading available there for me, a lot of support for me etc.

I found for me with my boyfriend (then husband) was not able to get help even with all of my best intentions...he was not ready to. I started getting better when I started working on my own recovery first.....

Sending kind thoughts your way.
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Old 12-13-2011, 02:35 AM
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Your world sounds like my world, except that it's my husband, and I can't leave him.

I just wanted to say that, so far, Al-Anon has been a great comfort to me. I'm also reading "Codependent No More." It sounds like you are aware of some of the issues, but I would encourage you to take care of yourself, and stop trying to diagnose all his behaviors. I do that -- try to see what he's doing, figure out the patterns, understand "why" -- and it gets me nowhere.

I am growing and rediscovering life through Al-Anon and through taking care of myself. Hang in there.

Warmly
- Hael
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Old 12-13-2011, 03:49 AM
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It sounds like you are putting all the pieces of the puzzle together.

Grieve and move forward.

My Best...Dolly
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Old 12-13-2011, 07:07 AM
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Your ABF sounds like my AH. He punishes people, but often his punishment is so subtle that they never notice, and then he gets more upset. In his case, he can keep up with the "punishments" for years. I ignore them.

He's also cynical and crabby. We used to joke that he was the youngest "grumpy old man" we had met. Some days I find it harder to ignore his constant cynical observations. I used to be the same but have made a HUGE effort to not be cynical anymore and I'm in a happier place now.

Can you post that passive aggressive article? I'd like to read it.
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Old 12-13-2011, 08:10 AM
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It helps to understand that alcoholism is a progressive disease and there is nothing anyone but the alcoholic can do to arrest it. What are you doing to take care of yourself, to get the life you really want?
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Old 12-13-2011, 08:48 AM
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If this is not the relationship you want, and if you are tired of dating a 7 year old, what are the steps you are willing to take to make a change? Have you been to an Alanon meeting? If so, did you try six meetings before deciding if it's for you? If not, I suggest doing just that. The only risk is that your life may improve.

I can't believe you actually want to live the rest of your life as you described above.

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Old 12-13-2011, 09:24 AM
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I have the same issue with my AH and passive agressive behaviour/bitter and cynical etc. It seems like his personality has changed over the years. He's always so negative and I wonder if this is the alcoholism or just him? I know I shouldn't drive myself crazy trying to analyze him, I just don't know anymore what behaviours are from the alcoholism or not.
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:35 AM
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Well GetBusy, you are one step ahead of me and many others in that you have decided to keep your own residence even after dating for 3 years. Many people would be living with a bf or h after that period of time and just hoping for some sanity. At least you get that. A's don't get better unless they want to. It seems like you are starting to put two and two together. Good luck and keep on keep'n on.
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:52 PM
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Thanks for the well wishes and such. For the first two years, he did make some changes, and I thought things would work out. In fact, the first year and a half, I wouldn't date him exclusively because of his issues. Then I agreed, and it went ok. Went into a therapist and said "hey, I think I'm dating an alcoholic, but not sure. Here are the good things about him, and here are the bad things." And the therapist said "ok, but if he's an alcoholic, you know he's a sinking ship, right? Unless he gets help, but the odds are still not so great." I said "yep". So I would check in with the therapist to tell him what was up. Still the old stuff was popping up here and there. Since it got worse in the last six months, I basically told my BF that I was pursuing my life, and I needed someone with open communication skills, who wasn't afraid of intimacy. And he really needed to figure out why he was drinking. It was up to him on whether he was able to to that. And now I'm here, which is fine.

I have not tried Al-anon, but my therapist did suggest it. He said that even if I'm not with him, he's still basically in my front yard, and predicts that he'll pop up again.

Anyway, I hope to support some people here too. Even if the relationship is rotten, and you know it, it's hard to be in that spot.
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Old 12-16-2011, 12:08 AM
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It dawned on me one day that when A was sober for those few hours in the morning, and he was grumpy, mean, surly, and often just impossible to be around, that was who he really was.......... Not a nice person. Not somebody I needed to spend anymore time with. It was like paying on a dead horse........

All of his personality, charm, wit, and humor came out of a bottle....... Of course it was a small window of opportunity to communicate with him. The first couple of drinks he seemed back to normal........... as the day progressed and he consumed more, that's when Mr. nasty know-it-all arrived, to perform his daily sh*t show..........

I am sorry to hear what you are living, but it does sound like you are reaching your limit. I wish you the best, hope you find the answer for you......... take care
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Old 12-16-2011, 03:01 AM
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My loved one with an addiction and I separated 15-16 months ago. Al-anon is still a very important part of my life. It is teaching me a lot that I need to learn about me.
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