BlueMoon

My husband is in jail on an alcohol-related charge + probably will not be released before xmas.
My son + I are trying to decide what to tell his daughters – my grand-daughters – we really do not want to say where he really is! Any thoughts?
They are 13, 11, 10, 7, + 5. They all think their Papa walks on water.

jessiec

Hug. I wish I had an answer for you. I don't have kids, and I'm new to addiction.

I can certainly understand you not wanting to tell them -- not wanting to color their judgment of him, ruin their Christmas or burden them with adult problems.

Just thinking out loud ...

Can you tell them that their grandfather is sick (it's not a lie - he does have a disease) and that he won't make it but loves them very much?

Could you tell them gently that he made a mistake -- we're all human and we all make mistakes -- and that he's making it right?

Again, just thinking out loud ...

Learn2Live

The truth shall set you free.

Ladybug0130

It's probably not ok, but I'd say he's not well and he's being taken care of and we won't see him for a while. I am not saying it's GOOD advice, but it's probably what I'd say. I have had to answer similar questions to my kids about their Dad lately, but they are only 7 and 3.

Hanna

If they were mine I would tell the 3 older ones the truth. Mainly because they are at or nearing ages where they may be exposed to drugs and alcohol and if they begin learning about the consequences it might help them make better choices. I would explain that he is still a good man, but a man with a problem. I would take this time to begin teaching them slowly about alcohol and drug abuse and addiction and the problems that come along with it. I would also begin teaching them about compassion for people that are struggling with these problems and that we can't control others when they are making these choices. Of course, I believe this is up to your Son and their Mother.

The younger ones - I might tell them he is working on some things he needs to do for himself and that has taken him away. They are much to young for this burden.

Hopeworks

I am a bail agent and bond thousands of people out of jail every year and have some experience with the criminal justice system as well as addiction.

Years ago you could keep things like this secret but today it is easy to find on the internet through a direct search, newspaper outlets, Busted magazines or even just a google search on the name.

The chances that one of these children find out that granddad was in the jailhouse is just a matter of time... months or years down the road... and they will know that everyone "covered it up" and withheld the truth which is technically "lying".

Our sins always find us out and if it were me I would gently tell the truth with strong emphasis on the remorse and the lesson side of experience.

Good people who make mistakes end up in jail... there are many, many people who get arrested for minor offenses. It is not the end of the world and there is nothing stronger than the truth to build trust in young people.

Good luck with whatever you choose ... it is always sad with love ones being incarcerated especially during the holidays.

BobbyJ

My vote, from my experiance, would be the TRUTH

I "USE" to cover up and make excuse's..

But in my recovery, setting the truth free, keeps me in balance & keeps my soul free...

AlwaysGrowing

Truth

LaTeeDa

I agree that the truth is appropriate. Without judgement, explain the facts. As far as them thinking he walks on water, well, nobody does. And maybe it's best if they think of him as a human being with flaws, as we all are.

L

Learn2Live

I've seen how some personality types, and alcoholics, "blow themselves out of proportion." They exaggerate, become "holier-than-thou," are judgmental, put themselves ABOVE the rest of us so that they can continue their behavior without having to accept reality. I grew up in that type of environment, where that was accepted and validated by my mother and siblings, and I think it may have something to do with how I, in "romantic" relationships, tend to put my partner on a pedestal. I make THEM my Higher Power (even though I already have one). At my age, over 40, it is still difficult not to, and still gets me into trouble. It is not good to be taught to relate to others this way. It seems so many people do, though. It's like we either worship a person or talk about them like dirt. And sometimes both. I find neither to be healthy and in real life avoid those who practice this.

m1k3

I would recommend the truth. One of the hardest things I had to deal with in my recovery was owning up to lies I had told and the trusts I had violated trying to protect my alcoholic wife from the consequences of her actions. I had done great damage to myself by doing that. Also please consider that it may not be the children you are trying to protect but rather your husband's reputation with the children.

Your friend,

skippernlilg

I also recommend the truth. I lost respect for my mom when she would lie for my dad. It took me a lifetime to forgive her.

cymbal

I have experience with this, but its my husband that went to jail.
I cannot remember what #dui. I told them the truth. My mil wanted me to lie.

I wanted them to see that drinking and driving has consequences because they might think twice about drinking and driving themselves later.

We even went to visit him inside.

stepsforward

I was arrested for assaulting my RAH when he relapsed. Not that he reported - 4 witnesses did (one a retired state trooper). At first I thought about not telling my kids but later decided I didnt want them to find out from anyone other then me. At the time the kids were 16 and 13 years old. YOu do not have to go into all of the details.

wellnowwhat

I told one "white lie" that concealed my AH's issue with alcohol. I felt terrible. I realized that I thought it was to save his reputation with our children, but it was really my unwillingness to deal with this tough issue with them. Almost immediately (& after some thought as to how, when, why, depth etc.) I corrected the lie and told our children the truth, about the lie, and why I lied. I haven't lied about it since to anyone and won't.

Just my E, S & H, but for me there are valid reasons to tell the truth and the reasons to tell a white lie should be objectively examined.

Thinking of you.

NYCDoglvr

I agree ... everyone must face the truth. Yes it's difficult but the only way to make positive changes in your lives. Lying only makes things worse.

Cyranoak

The truth. Or continue the cycle of lies that have been such a big part of their lives up until now. As the ACOAs here will tell you, the lying rarely helps, and the longer it goes on the more damage it does.

IMHO, in this case the best thing that could possible happen is for them to know that dad's in jail, that his drinking put him there, and that they had nothing to do with it and it wasn't their faults.

My two cents.

Cyranoak

BlueMoon

Thank you all for the input.

To clarify: the girls’ mother is not in the picture.
Their father (my son) has asked me for input.
It’s their grandfather, my husband, who is in jail.
The girls think he walks on water, not me.

Blue

Hanna

BlueMoon I was reading some of your older posts. It is likely that the older girls have some memories of the past. What were they told when other troubles arose?

BlueMoon

Husband has had periods of long term sobriety - older girls were too young to remember the last time there were problems.