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Afraid & Ashamed...

Old 12-12-2011, 02:25 PM
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Afraid & Ashamed...

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum, having only just decided I had a real problem this month. I've blacked out twice in the last month--loooong blackouts, hours missing. On a typical day, alone, I drink moderately--glass of wine at dinner. But in social settings, particularly if someone else is drinking, my "off" button breaks, and I get really drunk, really fast. I've lost weight recently which has lowered my tolerance even more, and I loose control quickly.

The two times I blacked out this month, my life was literally saved by those around me. In one case, keys were taken. In another, I was taking a man I just met up to my room (!! no memory of this!!) and my housemate stopped us (thank god!). Ever time it happens I swear its the LAST but it never is! But now I'm afraid. The guy I met seems really cool, but now the first meeting is colored by all this shame and weirdness. I don't trust myself to go on another date with him since I'm afraid of where the drinking might lead.

I just got out of a long, abusive relationship where I was isolated with my partner. Part of what I need right now is to meet people and build up my support group of friends...since I was isolated with him so long. I'm exited to get to meet people and be out in the world, but my drinking problem has me terrified and wanting to stay home. Any words of wisdom or support would help...the last blackout was last night and I am still trying to work past the shame.
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Old 12-12-2011, 02:35 PM
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This is a great place to start! Welcome to SR you'll find a lot of people with the same problems as you, who will share their experiences with you. Do not feel ashamed here we are all in the same situation. As for afraid we have all been there. Good luck!
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Old 12-12-2011, 02:42 PM
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Welcome to SR. There's a lot of good support here. Identifying that you have a problem and seeking support are good first steps. I can relate to what you're saying -- early on in sobriety, I ran into the conflict of not wanting to isolate myself (being alone in my head is a ***ing horrible idea -- my mind would have killed my body long ago if it didn't need it for transportation), but also not being able to be around others who were drinking or couldn't understand why I had behaved the way I had. I found the solution to both problems in AA, so that's something you might want to consider. First things first though, just don't drink. I have yet to run into any problem that I couldn't make worse by drinking.

--Fenris.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:16 PM
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Thank you for the welcomes! I was just downstairs letting my housemate know that I'd joined a group and that I appreciated her saving me last night. I also told her that my plan is that the next time I see this guy I am not going to drink even ONE drink. Hopefully we can meet during the day, at a coffee shop, where the temptation is less. But even if we meet for dinner, I really think I shouldn't even get a single glass of wine, just to show myself I CAN not drink in social scenarios. I also have coworkers who drink around me socially---that's another scenerio that can really mess up my life if I don't get this under control.

Obviously, I have some social anxiety issues or something that contribute. I'm a good conversationalist and people find me funny, but I'm always thinking "I'd be having more fun with a drink. I'd be more interesting with a drink..." The thing is I have no trouble talking to new people sober, and my job (which I'm got at) revolves around my social skills. So why the need for drink??

I don't want to have to worry about going out and seeing people any more. I don't want to have to be "filled in" on all the dumb stuff I did the night before--EVER AGAIN!

To recap: I'm seeing this guy again in a two weeks (he's out of town now). I'm not going to drink at all.

In the meantime, I may go out with coworkers. I sort of want to set a "one drink rule" with them, but maybe I need to go full hog in both situations just to prove I can do it?
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:26 PM
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Hi there,

Welcome to SR! I am not trying to be judgemental, but it sounds to me like you may have a drinking problem. How about testing my theory and not drinking for 30 days? If you can't do that, you should get very serious.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by CrispyFran View Post
Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum, having only just decided I had a real problem this month. I've blacked out twice in the last month--loooong blackouts, hours missing. On a typical day, alone, I drink moderately--glass of wine at dinner. But in social settings, particularly if someone else is drinking, my "off" button breaks, and I get really drunk, really fast. I've lost weight recently which has lowered my tolerance even more, and I loose control quickly.

The two times I blacked out this month, my life was literally saved by those around me. In one case, keys were taken. In another, I was taking a man I just met up to my room (!! no memory of this!!) and my housemate stopped us (thank god!). Ever time it happens I swear its the LAST but it never is! But now I'm afraid. The guy I met seems really cool, but now the first meeting is colored by all this shame and weirdness. I don't trust myself to go on another date with him since I'm afraid of where the drinking might lead.

I just got out of a long, abusive relationship where I was isolated with my partner. Part of what I need right now is to meet people and build up my support group of friends...since I was isolated with him so long. I'm exited to get to meet people and be out in the world, but my drinking problem has me terrified and wanting to stay home. Any words of wisdom or support would help...the last blackout was last night and I am still trying to work past the shame.
I'm new to this site but in the short time I've been here I've already heard MANY people making that "just one drink" promise to themselves and I can't think of one who has been successful. Myself included.

The fact that you are here alone proves that you have doubts about being able to control your drinking. Re-read your first post in this thread. Do you really think you have control? It doesn't seem so.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:33 PM
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Welcome to the family. If I were you I'd not drink anything in social settings. Just to eliminate the possibility of something going horribly wrong. Try not drinking at all for a month. See if it's hard to do or not.

I'm two years sober with the help and support of this site and my addiction counselor. I'm enjoying my life again and it's very rewarding staying sober. Just waking up feeling good is my first reward of the day.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:50 PM
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This is all stuff I need to hear. The risks far outweigh the benefits. I also have some flirty/questionable relationships with some coworkers...relationships that shouldn't go past flirting (for hundreds of reason). Getting blasted around them could mean I'd be packing up my office on top of doing the walk of shame...

December goal: No drinking at social events.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:55 PM
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Also--do any of your reward yourself or celebrate when you accomplish a small goal? The thought of not drinking seems like a punishment to me, so I want to think of something I can do for myself or give myself to reward myself once I accomplish these goals. Basically, I want to feel like "yes!" I did something great not "you were bad, CrispyFran, you can't drink!"
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Old 12-12-2011, 04:01 PM
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So long as you don't "reward" yourself with a celebratory drink, why not? ;-)

Obviously, when we don't drink we save money that could be spent on more tangible things. Healthy things. For me, that might be something like a pricey bath product that I love that I wouldn't normally spend money on.

Some people like to get some sort of ******** - a piece of jewelry or something - that will remind them of their sobriety whenever they look at it. Sometimes having these things we can visualize can make us think twice about taking a drink.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 12-12-2011, 04:35 PM
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Crispyfan,
By all means reward/comfort yourself with a treat. I somehow feel that you don't quite get it yet, you can't drink. You are putting conditions around the drinking. The only condition for me, is not to drink.
You are very aware of where drinking takes you and you don't want to go there. What takes you there?
I am coming up to 7 months sober with the help of this forum and AA.

I hope I don't come off sounding curt but you sound like a lovely woman with a good life ahead of you, give up now so that you can enjoy that life to the fullest.

Perhaps put the guy on the "back burner" for the time being, you have come from an abusive relationship, time to heal.

All the best
CaiHong
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Old 12-12-2011, 04:38 PM
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Not drinking is not a punishment to me.

It's saving my life. That's reward enough for me.

If you are an alcoholic, not drinking is the solution and it can save you from the blackouts and not remembering what happened. Shame is a huge part of alcoholism and it's what keeps us going back to the drink. We feel horrible for what we did, so we drink to help relieve the shame. And, it never ends.

I hope you decide to live a sober life.
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Old 12-12-2011, 06:16 PM
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I want to give a little more info on my drinking, just so I can get the best support from you all.

When I am alone, or with one person I trust (like my housemate), I don't overdrink. I just have a glass or two--don't hanker for more.

When I am with someone new, or a group of people who are drinking, even if they are drinking casually, I go overboard. That leads to the blackouts.

At this point I'm not planning on cutting out the drink or two I have with my roomie in the evening. I'm planning on cutting out all the drinking with groups/at bars/with new people. So, every triggering situation=no drinking.

CaiHong, you're right about the guy. Which is why I cannot drink around him--I need to keep my personal boundaries up right now. If I'm going to befriend or date him, I need to go real slow. Drinking does not help with that!!
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Old 12-12-2011, 06:42 PM
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Welcome Crispy...if you are having a hard time sticking to your one drink rule with friends maybe they need to be replaced. I know that sounds harsh but why hang with people that bring out the worst in us. That can be scary and dangerous.
I was always an at home drinker. Never went out with friends -only spouse. I found it easier to stop because I didn't feel obligated to drink or have to explain myself.
But if you can continue your drinking responsibley at home with supervision then maybe that's the way to go. For now...but I'd consider stopping all together since you are here...it can only get worse -never never better.
Wishing you peace and strength.
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Old 12-12-2011, 06:53 PM
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Great to have you here with us, Crispy. It's so good you're taking a look at your drinking habits & realizing you're in danger.

I never wanted to reach the point where I had to stop completely. In the end, though - every time I picked up the outcome was unpredictable. It sounds as if you're there, too. Keep talking to us and let us know how you're doing - we care!
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Old 12-13-2011, 07:32 AM
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I think a lot of people have tried making deals with their drinking, like you saying that you'll still have a couple of drinks in the evening at home, but not in social situations. I know that I did. I won't doom your attempt to failure, but for an alcoholic like me, that's what every attempt amounted to. That's my experience and I hope you find something useful there.

As for rewarding myself, sobriety itself has been its own kind of reward. Being able to experience and enjoy things that I'd never been sober for before (like my daughter's birthday -- this was her first with a sober father; and I'm really looking forward to Christmas), makes it all worthwhile. But sure, along with that, with the money I save from not getting blasted and blowing through a paycheck -- I'll treat myself to little things here and there. Mostly, I just take comfort and joy from the security of knowing that my bills are paid and I've still got money in my pocket, which was a very rare experience in my drinking days.

--Fenris.
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Old 12-13-2011, 01:50 PM
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Welcome CrispyFan

I had situations where I'd never overdrink either - and I clung to them tenaciously as proof I didn't have to give up drinking entirely.

It never occurred to me that clinging to those situations as desperately as I did was indicative of a problem anyway.

In the end, it turned out I began to overdrink in those situations too...

I've found the best solution was to remove drinking alcohol from my life entirely

D
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