Madtown

I have an A sibling, whom I'm close to. I'm 6 years older, and I know he looks up to me. I know I'm not completely spared the lies that an A typically utilizes, but we often have good talks(general topics, usually) where he does openly tell me he loves me and that I'm the person he trusts most. I've been doing a lot of reading, thinking, discussing, attending AA/Alanon, and I'm well aware that I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it, etc, etc. I'm learning more about the concepts of codependency, and understand that I need to detach with love, take care of myself, and not prevent him from living his life and learning his life lessons on his own.

All of that being said, if I'm in a position of trust, should that change anything in regard to how I interact with him when it comes to these topics? Maybe carefully picking my spot to tactfully suggest that it may be time for him to evaluate his drinking habits and treatment options? I'm aware that he will quit when he decides it's time to quit. A therapist that I've talked to said that a person who's close to an A, could have a potential positive influence through discussion, by asking open-ended questions, meant to get the A to start thinking along a path that would have them making this decision for themselves. Of course, this would only be if the A brought up the discussion, and sought out my opinion, which does happen fairly frequently. The goal being that the A makes the decision on their own, but maybe in a small way brought about by discussion with a trusted loved one?

If anyone has been in a similar position, and believes they've had a meaningful impact as a "strengthened ally", I'd appreciate your insight! Of course, in the mean time, I will continue to work on detaching and living my life! Thanks..

LexieCat

I don't think it ever hurts for loved ones to express their concern about an alcoholic's drinking. If it's done in a non-accusatory way, and as an expression of genuine concern, including your own observations about ways drinking seems to be affecting him/her, it's one thing that might come to mind after a particularly unpleasant drinking aftermath.

The mistake most of us make is thinking that our expression of loving concern will be enough, in itself, to make the alcoholic decide to quit drinking. So we beat it to death, and repeat ourselves endlessly, and get angry and accusing or use guilt trips. Those things DEFINITELY can backfire and actually make things worse.

A well-placed discussion, followed by backing the hell off it, sometimes helps to plant a seed. It will grow when the conditions are right, and not a minute sooner.

Allyn56

I, too, have an alcoholic sibling - she is 1.5 yrs younger than myself and we are very close. We are both in our 50's. Her alcoholism has sent her to the emergency room a number of times and I've sat with her through each one - was told each time that was it, she wasn't drinking any more. I've talked to her about it, worried myself sick, listened to her slur on the phone when I talked to her in the evening (most every night), etc. I am the good sister ... have helped her with everything, and she is very appreciative .... Her most recent event was a few month ago - she broke a bone by falling when she was very intoxicated (her blood alcohol was .034). I refused to go to the hospital (she was taken by ambulance and I called the emergency room and told them she has an alcohol problem) and I refused to pick her up afterwards. So far, she is two months sober. And I didn't call her for a week - and that really shocked and hurt her but I had to make a statement. I am still helping her by letting her live part time at my house (and she stays with someone else the rest of the time). She has had a lot of sad stuff in her life ... some of it caused by her own doing, and some of it not. I think she gets it now that we can't go back to that old relationship - I told her she doesn't have one more drunk in her as it will kill her next time. I probably am still doing too much for her, but I'm working on me so I back off and don't take over her life as I feel like her mother sometimes. It's a daily struggle for me. I also have a son who has major alcohol issues and has been to prison because of it. And before that I was married to an alcoholic (both of my kids' father) for 14 years. Geesh, I am surrounded by it.

Good luck talking to your sibling - I wish I'd started the conversations earlier with my sister.

Allyn56

skippernlilg

As the girlfriend of RABF, I was thankful for a family member who suggested to then-ABF that there were options for him to recover if he chose to. It took him about 9 months after that suggestion for him to make a decision to get sober. Her suggestions were great because she approached him from a "how are you" angle. He didn't feel pushed or coerced, and he knows she cares about him immensely.

Learn2Live

Yes, I have been in that position. Yes, I suggested AA to him, also outpatient rehab, which he did attend. He knew I was genuinely concerned and I told him my reasons, all fact-based. And I described to him my own efforts at sobriety and my own Recovery. I purposely kept it as emotion- and drama-free as possible, which probably helped both of us.

It took him quite a while to finally see what was quite obvious to the rest of the world (he was in VERY bad shape). Yes, he had an open mind about it, and yes he went, and yes he got some sober time in. Yes he relapsed several times, but gave it the old college try. He is currently drinking but in MUCH better shape than when we started. I feel good about my efforts because I know the AA seed has been planted so that when he is ready to try again, or when he hits rock bottom, he will know where to go for help.

NYCDoglvr

There's a great saying I hear in the rooms: AA ruins your drinking. You're a terrific sister and he is lucky to have you.