Is he an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 9
Is he an alcoholic?
I feel like I already know the answer but I've never been in a position to have to question whether or not someone is. There are a lot of signs but every time I would bring it up, he would make me feel crazy.
My ex (although we still talk some) partied all the time while he was in college. We started dating after he graduated. I knew that he drank and liked to have a good time but I guess he did a lot of this behind my back so I was not as aware. We both worked at the same restaurant and he ended up getting fired as a result of being drunk. He has a tendency not to control his mouth when he is drunk. They had a meeting at work around 3pm and he had gone out drinking before. When he showed up at the meeting he was saying a lot of inappropriate things, interrupting his manager and drinking with one of his co-workers (secretly) out of the keg in the back wait station. When he was fired, it seemed like the drinking decreased some although it may have been because he had no income to support the drinking.
As our relationship progressed, there were times we would go out and he would get wasted and we would fight because of how drunk he was. He even was arrested for a DUI. Now don't get me wrong, I got a DUI when I was 21. But immediately, I changed my lifestyle. I hardly drink anymore and certainly would never drink and drive. I feel like my DUI was not an issue of getting wasted all the time and making poor decisions because I rarely drank, even before my DUI. Well after his DUI, his drinking habits didn't really change.
I found out about 2 years and a few months into our relationship that he had been going out behind my back and spending an enormous amount of money on alcohol. I had a feeling that this was going on but it was confirmed when I found out his bank account password and saw charges between $50 and $120 at bars. There was this one charge at a bar where drinks are dirt cheap for $114. How you spend that much money when drinks are so cheap is beyond me. Anytime we fought, it was when alcohol was involved, whether it was because he was rude/mean to me while he was drinking/things getting out of hand or because I found out he went out behind my back to get wasted. He can never go out and have ONE or TWO drinks. He always goes out and has shots and drink after drink. A lot of the times we would fight, he would say "Hey I'm going to stop by so and so and have a drink". Well HOURS would go by and I would not hear from him. I would call and call and call and he wouldn't answer. When he finally would, he would be drunk to the point where I could not understand him. Even after 2 arrests involving alcohol and drugs, I caught him a few weeks ago driving to the store WASTED because the people he was hanging out with wanted orange juice to mix with their alcohol. Even having 2 pending felonies on his record, he could not refrain from driving drunk.
There were times he would get so drunk that he would wet the bed. This happened a lot during our relationship. He only knew that I knew about one time, but I knew about many more. I think when he wet the bed when we were sleeping in it, he cut back on how much he would drink when I was around, I guess in an effort to keep me from knowing. That didn't change the fact that I would come to his house and smell pee and see a pair of soiled pants in his dirty clothes.
About 2 weeks ago, after we broke up, he was out drinking and got drunk. He decided to jump up on this ledge and walk on it (or something like that) and ended up falling and bruising/busting his face and cutting up his hands and knees. When I asked him what happened, he initially said that some guy randomly punched him in the face at the gym.
He also has trouble saving money. He is 25 and has MAYBE $800 saved up and spends probably $300 a week on average on alcohol. It may be more than that.
I love him and want the best for him. I want to "help" him but I don't know what to do. We aren't together but we still talk and occasionally see each other. I don't know if I should talk to his parents, with whom I am close with.
But for people who know about alcoholism, is this it?
My ex (although we still talk some) partied all the time while he was in college. We started dating after he graduated. I knew that he drank and liked to have a good time but I guess he did a lot of this behind my back so I was not as aware. We both worked at the same restaurant and he ended up getting fired as a result of being drunk. He has a tendency not to control his mouth when he is drunk. They had a meeting at work around 3pm and he had gone out drinking before. When he showed up at the meeting he was saying a lot of inappropriate things, interrupting his manager and drinking with one of his co-workers (secretly) out of the keg in the back wait station. When he was fired, it seemed like the drinking decreased some although it may have been because he had no income to support the drinking.
As our relationship progressed, there were times we would go out and he would get wasted and we would fight because of how drunk he was. He even was arrested for a DUI. Now don't get me wrong, I got a DUI when I was 21. But immediately, I changed my lifestyle. I hardly drink anymore and certainly would never drink and drive. I feel like my DUI was not an issue of getting wasted all the time and making poor decisions because I rarely drank, even before my DUI. Well after his DUI, his drinking habits didn't really change.
I found out about 2 years and a few months into our relationship that he had been going out behind my back and spending an enormous amount of money on alcohol. I had a feeling that this was going on but it was confirmed when I found out his bank account password and saw charges between $50 and $120 at bars. There was this one charge at a bar where drinks are dirt cheap for $114. How you spend that much money when drinks are so cheap is beyond me. Anytime we fought, it was when alcohol was involved, whether it was because he was rude/mean to me while he was drinking/things getting out of hand or because I found out he went out behind my back to get wasted. He can never go out and have ONE or TWO drinks. He always goes out and has shots and drink after drink. A lot of the times we would fight, he would say "Hey I'm going to stop by so and so and have a drink". Well HOURS would go by and I would not hear from him. I would call and call and call and he wouldn't answer. When he finally would, he would be drunk to the point where I could not understand him. Even after 2 arrests involving alcohol and drugs, I caught him a few weeks ago driving to the store WASTED because the people he was hanging out with wanted orange juice to mix with their alcohol. Even having 2 pending felonies on his record, he could not refrain from driving drunk.
There were times he would get so drunk that he would wet the bed. This happened a lot during our relationship. He only knew that I knew about one time, but I knew about many more. I think when he wet the bed when we were sleeping in it, he cut back on how much he would drink when I was around, I guess in an effort to keep me from knowing. That didn't change the fact that I would come to his house and smell pee and see a pair of soiled pants in his dirty clothes.
About 2 weeks ago, after we broke up, he was out drinking and got drunk. He decided to jump up on this ledge and walk on it (or something like that) and ended up falling and bruising/busting his face and cutting up his hands and knees. When I asked him what happened, he initially said that some guy randomly punched him in the face at the gym.
He also has trouble saving money. He is 25 and has MAYBE $800 saved up and spends probably $300 a week on average on alcohol. It may be more than that.
I love him and want the best for him. I want to "help" him but I don't know what to do. We aren't together but we still talk and occasionally see each other. I don't know if I should talk to his parents, with whom I am close with.
But for people who know about alcoholism, is this it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Burt 
He is most definitely an alcoholic and he's not ready to change.
Have a talk with his parents and make a clean break.
Take care!
Have a talk with his parents and make a clean break.
Take care!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 252
Originally Posted by sweetjess1951
What makes someone want to change??
Alcoholics have to want to change themselves, nobody can do that for them.
If you continue to see him, you may want to consider al-anon. There's a sticky at the top of this forum that asks 20 questions to see if an-anon is for you. May want to take the test.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by sweetjess1951
What makes someone want to change??
He needs to hit his 'bottom'. And that means different things for different people: jail, loss of employment, relationships, etc. And for some people, their bottom ends at the funeral home.
In the meantime, instead of focusing on him I would take care of myself by attending Al-anon and/or distancing myself from the relationship. Unfortunately, the odds are pretty good that things will only get progressively worse for him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
If he's not alcoholic it sure sounds like he'll do until one comes along. The only thing more bizarre than the way we live and behave is that some women find our constant drama irresistable and pick one drunk after another. Now that's some sick stuff.
Now that he broke up with you there's a chance for you to close this door and find a sane guy.
Now that he broke up with you there's a chance for you to close this door and find a sane guy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
He's your ex. It doesn't matter except for you to use that information going forward in new relationships. So, that said, what you have described above is definitively an alcoholic.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
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