Now What???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Now What???
Had another fun filled weekend of my hubby coming home from "work" drunk. I do believe he worked until about noon.. He got home about 4, but each time I talked to him his story changed about where he was. When he got home, as soon as I saw him It was obvious. I decided not to engage in the normal argument and started packing a few things. He proceeded to follow me through the house... It was the usual.. I am uptight, not his mom, boring, need to live life, he is done with me, he is fine and only drinks on the weekends, I am crazy and need medication. Once again, not engaging in the conversation. I left and am staying at my parents. Now what??? I do love and adore him... But cant stand him and the anger and resentment over-see's any love. I know he wont quit drinking. He says he will quit drinking booze, but not beer (DUH)
I have a few drinks now and again... I dont need it what so ever to have fun or self medicate. He says I am a hypocrite. Maybe I am I dont know...
I dont know what to do.. will he change? will he realize his destructive behavior is ripping our family apart? Maybe...
I have a few drinks now and again... I dont need it what so ever to have fun or self medicate. He says I am a hypocrite. Maybe I am I dont know...
I dont know what to do.. will he change? will he realize his destructive behavior is ripping our family apart? Maybe...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My dad has been drinking literally non-stop for 22 years (other than a few minor breaks ranging from 1 week to 2 months at a time). Now that he has completely destroyed his insides (cancer, heart and liver, etc) he for the first time said to me, "I never realized how drinking and smoking keeps you away from your family." So, no, based on that, my personal experiences, and the hundreds of stories I have read here, no, your AH is not likely to realize it. And even if he does realize it, getting and staying sober is a lifelong battle.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
If he is like my wife he will change, for the worse. She went from mostly normal but a somewhat heavy drinker to functional alcoholic to a complete crazy woman. She quit drinking for about 3 years. She didn't change her behavior or embrace recovery she simply switched alcohol for Ambian, a sleeping pill that A's seem to be fond of. Now she has gone through rehab and detox for the pills and drinking, again.
The difference this time is I have found recovery. I am going to al-anon and working the program and feeling good about myself. I have discovered that I don't need the alcoholic to make my life complete. I am enough just as I am. As I get stronger in my recovery I can look back and see that there was a huge hole in me that I was trying to fill with my AW (alcoholic wife). Now I don't need to, I have filled it with me.
I would strongly recommend going to Al-Anon. It is where you can work on the only person you can change, your self.
Your friend,
The difference this time is I have found recovery. I am going to al-anon and working the program and feeling good about myself. I have discovered that I don't need the alcoholic to make my life complete. I am enough just as I am. As I get stronger in my recovery I can look back and see that there was a huge hole in me that I was trying to fill with my AW (alcoholic wife). Now I don't need to, I have filled it with me.
I would strongly recommend going to Al-Anon. It is where you can work on the only person you can change, your self.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Thanks for all the advice. I am still staying at my parents. I am finding that I am angry!! Angry at myself, angry at him! I cant talk to him about how I am feeling... When he is sober and I try to talk about things he rolls his eyes and acts like I am a pain in the a**, when he is drunk he will talk, but it is mean and not constructive at all!! I just dont get it.... He is going out of town for work tomorrow until Sunday (spending an extra night to party) GO FIGURE!!!! ARGH!!
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
I learned along the way that there is a big difference between sobriety and abstinence. One is a state of being and the other is just a chemical thing. When you have conversations with a person who is temporarily abstaining from drinking, you are still conversing with a drunk. There is NO chance that he will understand what you are saying unless he chooses sobriety...and even then, its a journey down a path, not an event.
Something you said in your original post made me recall what a friend said to me once. I told her something very similar...that I loved the man, I just couldn't stand his behavior. She said, "Stacy, I encourage you to really think about your definition of love."
Wow.
I did think about it and realized that, for me, love is far more than a feeling and perhaps even more than an action. It is a state of being, with another person, that involves trust, caring, respect, kindness, positive interaction, give-and-take...things that are simply not available in an active alcoholic (whether intoxicated or abstaining). It helped me put things in perspective.
Just a little ESH for you...
Something you said in your original post made me recall what a friend said to me once. I told her something very similar...that I loved the man, I just couldn't stand his behavior. She said, "Stacy, I encourage you to really think about your definition of love."
Wow.
I did think about it and realized that, for me, love is far more than a feeling and perhaps even more than an action. It is a state of being, with another person, that involves trust, caring, respect, kindness, positive interaction, give-and-take...things that are simply not available in an active alcoholic (whether intoxicated or abstaining). It helped me put things in perspective.
Just a little ESH for you...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What Mike said..
Print Mike's post out and read it every day.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by m1k3 
If he is like my wife he will change, for the worse. She went from mostly normal but a somewhat heavy drinker to functional alcoholic to a complete crazy woman. She quit drinking for about 3 years. She didn't change her behavior or embrace recovery she simply switched alcohol for Ambian, a sleeping pill that A's seem to be fond of. Now she has gone through rehab and detox for the pills and drinking, again.
The difference this time is I have found recovery. I am going to al-anon and working the program and feeling good about myself. I have discovered that I don't need the alcoholic to make my life complete. I am enough just as I am. As I get stronger in my recovery I can look back and see that there was a huge hole in me that I was trying to fill with my AW (alcoholic wife). Now I don't need to, I have filled it with me.
I would strongly recommend going to Al-Anon. It is where you can work on the only person you can change, your self.
Your friend,
The difference this time is I have found recovery. I am going to al-anon and working the program and feeling good about myself. I have discovered that I don't need the alcoholic to make my life complete. I am enough just as I am. As I get stronger in my recovery I can look back and see that there was a huge hole in me that I was trying to fill with my AW (alcoholic wife). Now I don't need to, I have filled it with me.
I would strongly recommend going to Al-Anon. It is where you can work on the only person you can change, your self.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
enodm, my mom has been drinking 40+ years, I am 49, she has only gotten worse, she went from a glass aday to 3, glasses, to 3 bottles and finally to 6 bottles a day, she will slow down to 3 or 4 bottles if my dad does not let her out of his sight but no less than that. My mom is mean and self-absorbed, she has ruined her marriage and most of her friendships, she is in total denial.
I so wished for mom to at least try and get better, she never wanted to andnever will, she was in the ICU twice in the last 18 months for alcohol related heart damage, of course her cardiologist is a quack for wanting her to cut down to one 6 ounce glass of wine a day. He has made it crystal clear, keep this up and you will die.
I must say I have very little hope for anyone who will not stay in recovery, plus if you want a family living with an alcoholic is a real treat for you and especially for your kids.
I hope it works out for you, I will say a prayer for you, if you need to talk or need a hug just let me know.
Bill
I so wished for mom to at least try and get better, she never wanted to andnever will, she was in the ICU twice in the last 18 months for alcohol related heart damage, of course her cardiologist is a quack for wanting her to cut down to one 6 ounce glass of wine a day. He has made it crystal clear, keep this up and you will die.
I must say I have very little hope for anyone who will not stay in recovery, plus if you want a family living with an alcoholic is a real treat for you and especially for your kids.
I hope it works out for you, I will say a prayer for you, if you need to talk or need a hug just let me know.
Bill
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Enodm, I won't assume so I ask, do you want to be angry? I mean that question sincerely because I'd like to share: I've had to do some work on my anger issues and I learned, when I get angry, to look at my Expectations of others. When I am angry, it is often because my expectations are higher than reality. Higher than what that person is able to deliver. So, I adjust my Expectations, usually by learning about something, or Letting Go of previously held beliefs, or Letting Go of wants and desires. I acknowledge that I cannot force anything to happen. That I can only change me, and how I think. No one else.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Sounds very much like me for 23yrs of my marriage. I would try crying and letting him know how much his drinking was hurting me and our daughters (family) and he would make it all about me. I was boring, lazy, didnt wash enough, didnt look after the house enough, didnt have sex enough, if only I drank more then I wouldnt have a problem with him, and eventualy our youngest daughter (16/17) was called lazy if she did something he disaproved of.
I even thought like you, perhaps its me, perhaps I am boring, perhaps if I had sex more with him, perhaps if I drank it would be different. I bought sexy clothes to make more of an effort, initiated sex more, I started to drink G&T's occasionaly to 'join him', I got myself an outside home interest and made friends. I tried all of the above but nothing changed - he still drank.
Eventually, my daughter left home as she didnt feel safe at home, particulary if she was at home on her own with her dad. AH had never been physically abusive with any of us, but my daughter didnt like the drunk dad and didnt trust him not to. She also recognised that her dad was verbally abusive and a bully. I should have left with my daughter but I was scared to be on my own, scared he would sober up and find someone else, scared that I wouldnt be able to afford to live apart from my husband and that fear kept me there. I also told myself that I loved him and loved being with the sober him. I let her down.
Eventually, following 18 months of therapy, Al-anon and SR, A few things that my therapist had said to me started to sink in and I realised that although I loved my AH, I loved myself more and I was important. I finally left him.
I initially went no contact, my eldest daughter stopped communicating with him as he was being unreasonable with her and the youngest daughter tried to have as little to do with him as possible as he was being 'clingy'.
My AH didnt realise his drinking and behaviour had distroyed his family and ripped us apart until we had all left! Three months later, he was in therapy, on medication through the doctor, admitting he was an alcoholic, reading books on alcoholism and more importantly sober.
He has been sober now for almost 6 months and still works very hard, every day to stay that way. He is sober for him, because he likes himself more that way, because he likes his life more that way, his relationship with his daughters is improving and because I am in his life once again.
I have been living on my own for almost 8 months now and I love it, its peaceful its calm. When I left, I was totally prepared to be on my own as my AH had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life. I didnt leave to shock him, wake him up etc, I left because I couldnt live with active alcoholism any more as it was damaging me too much and I was better than that and deserved more. At the moment I feel blessed that I get best of both worlds - a sober husband and some peaceful time for me.
Maybe one day in the future, if my AH continues to work hard at his sobriety and I work hard at being healthy in heart and mind too, then we will live together again. I will not live with active alcoholism again, thats a life long boundary now for me, my health, my happiness and my future.
I even thought like you, perhaps its me, perhaps I am boring, perhaps if I had sex more with him, perhaps if I drank it would be different. I bought sexy clothes to make more of an effort, initiated sex more, I started to drink G&T's occasionaly to 'join him', I got myself an outside home interest and made friends. I tried all of the above but nothing changed - he still drank.
Eventually, my daughter left home as she didnt feel safe at home, particulary if she was at home on her own with her dad. AH had never been physically abusive with any of us, but my daughter didnt like the drunk dad and didnt trust him not to. She also recognised that her dad was verbally abusive and a bully. I should have left with my daughter but I was scared to be on my own, scared he would sober up and find someone else, scared that I wouldnt be able to afford to live apart from my husband and that fear kept me there. I also told myself that I loved him and loved being with the sober him. I let her down.
Eventually, following 18 months of therapy, Al-anon and SR, A few things that my therapist had said to me started to sink in and I realised that although I loved my AH, I loved myself more and I was important. I finally left him.
I initially went no contact, my eldest daughter stopped communicating with him as he was being unreasonable with her and the youngest daughter tried to have as little to do with him as possible as he was being 'clingy'.
My AH didnt realise his drinking and behaviour had distroyed his family and ripped us apart until we had all left! Three months later, he was in therapy, on medication through the doctor, admitting he was an alcoholic, reading books on alcoholism and more importantly sober.
He has been sober now for almost 6 months and still works very hard, every day to stay that way. He is sober for him, because he likes himself more that way, because he likes his life more that way, his relationship with his daughters is improving and because I am in his life once again.
I have been living on my own for almost 8 months now and I love it, its peaceful its calm. When I left, I was totally prepared to be on my own as my AH had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life. I didnt leave to shock him, wake him up etc, I left because I couldnt live with active alcoholism any more as it was damaging me too much and I was better than that and deserved more. At the moment I feel blessed that I get best of both worlds - a sober husband and some peaceful time for me.
Maybe one day in the future, if my AH continues to work hard at his sobriety and I work hard at being healthy in heart and mind too, then we will live together again. I will not live with active alcoholism again, thats a life long boundary now for me, my health, my happiness and my future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Thank you so much everyone for your posts!! They help me stay strong I do re-read them and will continue to re-read them!!! I am going to start going to Alanon again. I really need it!! I am tired of playing the victim, the provoker, the martyr and all the other fun "roles" I have been playing.
I am only 38 and am still so full of life! I want to be happy, play with my babies, do things for me.. NOT stay at home isolating myself, counting beers, measuring the booze to see how much is gone... I am over it!!! Today is a new day, a new attitude and God grant me the stregnth this hour!!!
xoxoxo
Anvilhead, my FB status right now is: in order to be heard we have to be in the company of those who are willing to listen and understand the language of which we speak.
Thanks!!!
I am only 38 and am still so full of life! I want to be happy, play with my babies, do things for me.. NOT stay at home isolating myself, counting beers, measuring the booze to see how much is gone... I am over it!!! Today is a new day, a new attitude and God grant me the stregnth this hour!!!
xoxoxo
Anvilhead, my FB status right now is: in order to be heard we have to be in the company of those who are willing to listen and understand the language of which we speak.
Thanks!!!
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