Found an old pic of myself
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Found an old pic of myself
...when I was like 6 or 7
My eyes already looked sad and sheepish, the same sad glance I have noticed in more recent pictures.
My sweater is too big, my white shirt is not arranged right, my hair is a mess.
I recall I never had breakfast and we were always late, getting out from home at 820 when class started at 830. I remember the impotence. I remember feeling hungry and I remember being laughed at for trying to buy some food with a few cents that were worthless.
Now I realize how I get SO frustrated/angry when I am blamed for stuff that is not under my control. Now I realize how when I am about to pay for something I worry for some reason it wonīt be enough or my card wonīt be accepted.... now I realize why I tend to be impeccable with my clothing and looks (even when my house or car can be a total mess). Now I realize how I resist being pampered or receiving attention, proof lies within all my selfish EXīs when it has always been about what THEY want or what THEY need.
The last therapist said I should keep these pictures because they are part of my history but I donīt want to keep sad memorabilia at home, now that I am trying to get rid of stuff... after the 'woe is me' feelings this picture helped me have some more understanding/compassion for myself...
I have made a great deal of progress and whatever others think, say or do talks about THEM, says nothing about me... I got my issues and stuff but I have learned very valuable lessons...... I have never felt I had a center and now I do.. .(the "inner garden")... I feel I know myself better, it finally sank in I am smart, resilient, strong. I feel I am acting more and reacting less and this is priceless.
Now I am planning to prepare delicious breakfasts for Tc999 involving scrambled eggs, french toast, fresh juice, milk.. maybe even a flower. That is what this woman always deserved and deserves today. I know my mom was depressed and couldnīt take care of herself, going through a depressed state as well I now understand how everything seems like an impossible task... got some more space for compassion towards the way she took care of me....
Funny how we can see the same images over and over but when you pay attention to detail clarity comes unannounced.
Thanks for letting me share
Tc999
My eyes already looked sad and sheepish, the same sad glance I have noticed in more recent pictures.
My sweater is too big, my white shirt is not arranged right, my hair is a mess.
I recall I never had breakfast and we were always late, getting out from home at 820 when class started at 830. I remember the impotence. I remember feeling hungry and I remember being laughed at for trying to buy some food with a few cents that were worthless.
Now I realize how I get SO frustrated/angry when I am blamed for stuff that is not under my control. Now I realize how when I am about to pay for something I worry for some reason it wonīt be enough or my card wonīt be accepted.... now I realize why I tend to be impeccable with my clothing and looks (even when my house or car can be a total mess). Now I realize how I resist being pampered or receiving attention, proof lies within all my selfish EXīs when it has always been about what THEY want or what THEY need.
The last therapist said I should keep these pictures because they are part of my history but I donīt want to keep sad memorabilia at home, now that I am trying to get rid of stuff... after the 'woe is me' feelings this picture helped me have some more understanding/compassion for myself...
I have made a great deal of progress and whatever others think, say or do talks about THEM, says nothing about me... I got my issues and stuff but I have learned very valuable lessons...... I have never felt I had a center and now I do.. .(the "inner garden")... I feel I know myself better, it finally sank in I am smart, resilient, strong. I feel I am acting more and reacting less and this is priceless.
Now I am planning to prepare delicious breakfasts for Tc999 involving scrambled eggs, french toast, fresh juice, milk.. maybe even a flower. That is what this woman always deserved and deserves today. I know my mom was depressed and couldnīt take care of herself, going through a depressed state as well I now understand how everything seems like an impossible task... got some more space for compassion towards the way she took care of me....
Funny how we can see the same images over and over but when you pay attention to detail clarity comes unannounced.
Thanks for letting me share
Tc999
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yeah I mean also my favorite flower, why not???? its time!!
Taking care of the H in hungry is not just any sandwich, I got to do it the right way!
Thanks for the support all these years catlover.
Taking care of the H in hungry is not just any sandwich, I got to do it the right way!
Thanks for the support all these years catlover.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I know I have already talked about all these things but I read dealing with PTSD also means letting the patient talk over and over about whatever bugs her so here it is. Its part of releasing. I used to cry days due to the same reasons but I no longer feel so much sadness or pity or frustration.. I guess I finally got some room for Acceptance!! whew!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. How true!
My AH had a 2-week hospital detox, came home, did no follow up and went right back to his closet drinking, but on a lower scale. Before the detox I figured I was handling everything ok, but after he resumed drinking I knew I was lost.
In a picture taken at Christmas (shortly afterwards) I can barely recognize myself. I am seated on the couch beside AH but I am leaning away from him as if he's contagious. I am sad faced, thin and oh so sad-eyed. It was seeing that picture that made me realize it wasn't just about him. I knew, finally, this was now about me. I needed help! Regardless of what AH did, I needed to do something about me!
I don't feel guilty about making choices that are for me, because I feel like I am doing it for the "sad me" in the picture.
I still cringe when I look at that photo (rarely), but I am happy to say that more recent pictures look much better!
Taking care of the H in hungry is not just any sandwich, I got to do it the right way!
I do this too! My afternoon snack is on my rarely used bone china! Me, myself and I = special occasion!
My AH had a 2-week hospital detox, came home, did no follow up and went right back to his closet drinking, but on a lower scale. Before the detox I figured I was handling everything ok, but after he resumed drinking I knew I was lost.
In a picture taken at Christmas (shortly afterwards) I can barely recognize myself. I am seated on the couch beside AH but I am leaning away from him as if he's contagious. I am sad faced, thin and oh so sad-eyed. It was seeing that picture that made me realize it wasn't just about him. I knew, finally, this was now about me. I needed help! Regardless of what AH did, I needed to do something about me!
I don't feel guilty about making choices that are for me, because I feel like I am doing it for the "sad me" in the picture.
I still cringe when I look at that photo (rarely), but I am happy to say that more recent pictures look much better!
Taking care of the H in hungry is not just any sandwich, I got to do it the right way!
I do this too! My afternoon snack is on my rarely used bone china! Me, myself and I = special occasion!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
Tc,
I have found that as my recovery progresses I look at things differently.
You may see the picture differently soon, but if you throw it away then you
don't have a chance to see it differently. I thought pics were for the next gen
to see how goofy their folks looked? Maybe save it for a future child?
Just my thoughts. When I look at pics of myself in ancient history (lol), I see a scared little girl. I also see someone resilient! I had only hand me downs to wear.
Breakfast sure sounds yummy!
May I join you for some virtual french toast?
I have found that as my recovery progresses I look at things differently.
You may see the picture differently soon, but if you throw it away then you
don't have a chance to see it differently. I thought pics were for the next gen
to see how goofy their folks looked? Maybe save it for a future child?
Just my thoughts. When I look at pics of myself in ancient history (lol), I see a scared little girl. I also see someone resilient! I had only hand me downs to wear.
Breakfast sure sounds yummy!
May I join you for some virtual french toast?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Your post made me so sad TC, because I am with you. There are so many horrible things that happened to me when I was a kid, and the way we lived was just so bad, and relating to you and your story brought all those old feelings back. I don't even have to remember the stuff in my thoughts, because the feelings come back automatically. It's definitely ACOA and trauma, but it can be overcome. I use the principles of Al-Anon to do this. I choose to live in the Present Moment. ANYTHING that takes me back there, I hide from myself or eliminate altogether. If it were my pic, I'd put it in the bottom of a box of junk and put it in the attic or basement.
I also choose to Let Go and Let God. Big for me there are the several people who harmed me by their physical and verbal acts. I remove myself from the equation by accepting that what they did is between them and their Higher Power. I had nothing to do with it, so I can Let Go of the Shame, the Blame, and the Guilt. It is up to God (who is my HP) to decide forgiveness or not. I don't have to. It's not on me.
Another thing that helped me immensely was something Oprah said. Which was that it's OK for me to acknowledge and accept that my parents did the best they could with what they had to work with. That's all that was required for me to stop the Shame, Blame and Guilt. I did not need to go back in time and fix anything, I did not need to feel sorry for them, and I did not need to forgive them for anything.
Hope something I've shared is helpful or useful to you. (((hugs)))
I also choose to Let Go and Let God. Big for me there are the several people who harmed me by their physical and verbal acts. I remove myself from the equation by accepting that what they did is between them and their Higher Power. I had nothing to do with it, so I can Let Go of the Shame, the Blame, and the Guilt. It is up to God (who is my HP) to decide forgiveness or not. I don't have to. It's not on me.
Another thing that helped me immensely was something Oprah said. Which was that it's OK for me to acknowledge and accept that my parents did the best they could with what they had to work with. That's all that was required for me to stop the Shame, Blame and Guilt. I did not need to go back in time and fix anything, I did not need to feel sorry for them, and I did not need to forgive them for anything.
Hope something I've shared is helpful or useful to you. (((hugs)))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
