Are these feelings normal?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Are these feelings normal?
My boyfriend and I have been dating since September. He shared early on that, in the past, he used crystal meth, but that he had been clean for a year. In November, I left for a six-day trip with a friend, and my boyfriend was nearly impossible to get ahold of while I was away. This was so strange because we had spent nearly every day together since September. When I returned (after having to wait four hours at the airport because he went to the wrong one!), he told me he had used crystal meth while I was away. He said it was just once, but for the next three weeks, I discovered what a problem it had become (and no way had he just smoked it the one time). He lost his job, and turned into the moodiest jerk I had ever met...he told me he felt I had abandoned him (later, I realized he was totally high when he said this). I couldn't believe it...he was like a stranger. He eventually told me he had been using for a few weeks (since my return), but that he wanted to quit. He told me where he kept his pipe, and gave it to me (which I smashed). He had a side job at the motel where he got his drugs, and he promised he wasn't using....but last weekend, he disappeared for the night, and it all came together in my mind. The next day, my brother helped me move all of his stuff into my garage, and I told him he needed to find a new place to stay. It was hard for me to stay strong over the next few days, and I ended up letting him stay at my house. He went to an NA meeting...he bought me roses and took me to dinner. He was acting like his old self. But the next morning, he flipped out. I told him I wouldn't be home that night, and to find somewhere else to sleep. He broke into my house to sleep inside, and when I came home the next day, I realized he had been inside. He came over later, and admitted to it when I asked him. Two more nights passed, and yesterday morning, he made the decision to get REAL help (I kept telling him I couldn't help him by myself). We found a sober living home, which happened to have ONE bed available (Thank God!). This was his decision (although I did tell him if he showed up again at my house, I would call the police)...I did a lot of research, and was careful not to advise him in any way because I knew it had to come from him. I truly believe he wants to be sober, and I think he managed to stay clean for these past five days.
My emotions are so mixed up. I love him and I hate him. I want to be there for him and support him, and this other part of me, so exhausted from the lies and mental roller coaster he's taken me on for the last month, just wants to say forget it! He has to be in this recovery house for two weeks without any contact from the outside world, and I am both devastated and relieved. Are these feelings normal? I am a very positive person, who usually enjoys being around my family and friends, but lately I am prone to outburts, fits of rage, uncontrollable crying, and general hysteria. I literally feel like I'm going nuts! Can anyone tell me if this is normal for someone involved with an addict? I don't want to talk with my friends or family (they know some of what's going on), partly because I don't want them worrying. Plus, if my boyfriend manages to get through all of this, and we stay together, I don't think everyone needs to know about his addiction...some people, yes, but I think that should be up to him.
Whew! This is a long post! I even gave the condensed version....I feel so alone, even though I have great friends and family who want to support me....thank you for a space to share and get advice. I've read a lot of posts, and everyone here seems so friendly, compassionate, and full of wisdom.
My emotions are so mixed up. I love him and I hate him. I want to be there for him and support him, and this other part of me, so exhausted from the lies and mental roller coaster he's taken me on for the last month, just wants to say forget it! He has to be in this recovery house for two weeks without any contact from the outside world, and I am both devastated and relieved. Are these feelings normal? I am a very positive person, who usually enjoys being around my family and friends, but lately I am prone to outburts, fits of rage, uncontrollable crying, and general hysteria. I literally feel like I'm going nuts! Can anyone tell me if this is normal for someone involved with an addict? I don't want to talk with my friends or family (they know some of what's going on), partly because I don't want them worrying. Plus, if my boyfriend manages to get through all of this, and we stay together, I don't think everyone needs to know about his addiction...some people, yes, but I think that should be up to him.
Whew! This is a long post! I even gave the condensed version....I feel so alone, even though I have great friends and family who want to support me....thank you for a space to share and get advice. I've read a lot of posts, and everyone here seems so friendly, compassionate, and full of wisdom.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
Yes.. this is normal... You are not crazy. You are in a crazy situation where normal ways of helping someone do not help. Oh dear.... I'm going to tell you something and you are will likely not heed but RUN FORREST RUN.... I wish I had.
At the very least do not marry him...(like I did) You need help, support (Al Anon, therapist)... and at the very least to feel safe in your own house. I hope you have no financial ties (checking accounts etc). I would either move or install an alarm system and shred all my financial information and take any important papers to my office.
I would not move in with him or let him spend another night in my home until he had at LEAST a year clean. You've seen enough to know the warning signs of him using... not answering the phone.. erratic behavior.. etc.
But honestly, you've been with this guy 4 months... you are better of just cutting your losses and attending Al Anon meetings to learn how to set up your boundaries so that you let someone in your life like this again. You're a mess and it's been four months... Men are typically on their best behavior (forget about drugs) for the first year.. it will only get worse... I've been dealing with this for 3 years... others here for 10 or 20... you don't deserve that kind of life and although I'm sure you have deep feelings for him.. I'm sure at 4 months.. you love yourself more...(if you don't you really need Al Anon) I'm sorry... I know this isn't politically correct and everybody is supposed to find their own way and in Al Anon we don't tell people to stay or go.. but please get this guy out of your life... he doesn't sound like he's done.... and if he does stay clean for a year or two to prove to you he's worthy.. he can always come back if it was meant to be while he's left you in peace to live your life...Sorry I'm rambling but I'm emotional tonight and the thought of you going through this hell for the next year or decade when you could have let it go at 4 months is really painful to think about.
At the very least do not marry him...(like I did) You need help, support (Al Anon, therapist)... and at the very least to feel safe in your own house. I hope you have no financial ties (checking accounts etc). I would either move or install an alarm system and shred all my financial information and take any important papers to my office.
I would not move in with him or let him spend another night in my home until he had at LEAST a year clean. You've seen enough to know the warning signs of him using... not answering the phone.. erratic behavior.. etc.
But honestly, you've been with this guy 4 months... you are better of just cutting your losses and attending Al Anon meetings to learn how to set up your boundaries so that you let someone in your life like this again. You're a mess and it's been four months... Men are typically on their best behavior (forget about drugs) for the first year.. it will only get worse... I've been dealing with this for 3 years... others here for 10 or 20... you don't deserve that kind of life and although I'm sure you have deep feelings for him.. I'm sure at 4 months.. you love yourself more...(if you don't you really need Al Anon) I'm sorry... I know this isn't politically correct and everybody is supposed to find their own way and in Al Anon we don't tell people to stay or go.. but please get this guy out of your life... he doesn't sound like he's done.... and if he does stay clean for a year or two to prove to you he's worthy.. he can always come back if it was meant to be while he's left you in peace to live your life...Sorry I'm rambling but I'm emotional tonight and the thought of you going through this hell for the next year or decade when you could have let it go at 4 months is really painful to think about.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
I thought when I was first dating my AH that he was different than other people... that he was just misunderstood etc., --- and I was told to run (like oneday has said to you). She does seem to know the pain and frustration of loving an addict like I do.
I still love my AH and have never regretted marrying him because it was not all doom and gloom. And frankly, I think I needed to learn some really needed lessons in my life. This however, was MY path and mine alone. But I can see how oneday does not want you to experience the other side of addiction... the HELL of it... the part you can never EVER control... no matter how much you LOVE the person or try to help them. - When we go down this route, we do lose ourselves in the process.
Keep reading as many posts on here as you can, keep reading people's stories and know that all of us who are here care in our own way of you being the happiest (and best) person you can be.
Hugs!
I still love my AH and have never regretted marrying him because it was not all doom and gloom. And frankly, I think I needed to learn some really needed lessons in my life. This however, was MY path and mine alone. But I can see how oneday does not want you to experience the other side of addiction... the HELL of it... the part you can never EVER control... no matter how much you LOVE the person or try to help them. - When we go down this route, we do lose ourselves in the process.
Keep reading as many posts on here as you can, keep reading people's stories and know that all of us who are here care in our own way of you being the happiest (and best) person you can be.
Hugs!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Addicts lie, take his proclaimed usage and multiply it by 3 and you will be closer to the truth.
To me, I'd pass on a relationship with this guy until he is clean and sober for at least a year, and of coarse working strong recovery program.
He is involved in one nasty drug usage, this will not be easy to overcome, plus he will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is clean or not, relapses can happen at any time.
This is a new relationship, addicts take hostages, don't be his next victim.
Read all the stickies at the top of this page, read others posts.
Think with your head, not your heart.
To me, I'd pass on a relationship with this guy until he is clean and sober for at least a year, and of coarse working strong recovery program.
He is involved in one nasty drug usage, this will not be easy to overcome, plus he will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is clean or not, relapses can happen at any time.
This is a new relationship, addicts take hostages, don't be his next victim.
Read all the stickies at the top of this page, read others posts.
Think with your head, not your heart.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
flyawayhome, some very good advice has been given. If this is your first experience dealing with someone who has an addiction, it may be very hard to wrap around the idea that when an addict is using, there isn't a thing they say that can be believed, and often times, even if they're not using, unless they are honest with themselves and truly working a program, you usually can't believe anything they say then either. My experience with my exagf brought me to this forum in 2007. 4 months is not a long time to be vested in a relationship and already it's bringing you down emotionally. If you choose to stay in it, please read more of the posts here. So many people have been devestated not just emotionally, but financially and because of the lifestyle addiction brings, legally as well. Whatever you choose to do, please take care of yourself first.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
flyawayhome...your story sounds VERY familiar, including the part that lets us all know that he was already living in your home at four months together...and that after two months together he used. there are possibilities and probabilities for the future of your relationship. I myself, at one and a half months in to my two year love affair had already been so swept away in a "deeply profound and charismatic romance" (with a beautiful intelligent old acquaintance from a very good family who met me on every level of my existence) that I decided NOT to walk away. I simply could not believe that the love I had found was being stolen from me by crack. The fact is that all of the beautiful things that he was/is don't have to even be a lie!!! BUT the truth is that the drug addiction WILL steal it all away.
From what I understand crack is second only to meth in the severity of the addiction and the possibilities of recovery...a recovery which necessitates every ounce of their energy and commitment to survive the first year, which then, MAYBE then, they can move forward in a relationship.
I decided to IGNORE all the probabilities, the advice, the stories. I was convinced that with enough hope, belief, love and recovery we would be different. We weren't.
Inform yourself. Read. Read. Read. Talk, share, insist upon your OWN honesty and transparency. Hold yourself accountable.
You are not crazy!!! You are in shock...in grief...and dealing with an entirely confusing addiction that makes NO sense. Grief alone can make a person feel totally crazy, the cycling of sorrow, anger, bargaining, and acceptance...in waves. Add to that the total frustration of lies, deception, addiction and crazy perceptions and the situation is rough.
Be gentle with yourself. Practice MAJOR SELF CARE!!! Glad you found this site, it's a huge resource to vent, cry, ask, seek, refuse, argue, etc etc etc. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Accept the support of people who have been there. To deal with the loss, emotions, and confusion surrounding addiction is it's own vicious world, it takes A LOT of experience, strength and hope and that is what we give to each other here and in meetings. To let go. To let go. To let go. It is not your addiction.
From what I understand crack is second only to meth in the severity of the addiction and the possibilities of recovery...a recovery which necessitates every ounce of their energy and commitment to survive the first year, which then, MAYBE then, they can move forward in a relationship.
I decided to IGNORE all the probabilities, the advice, the stories. I was convinced that with enough hope, belief, love and recovery we would be different. We weren't.
Inform yourself. Read. Read. Read. Talk, share, insist upon your OWN honesty and transparency. Hold yourself accountable.
You are not crazy!!! You are in shock...in grief...and dealing with an entirely confusing addiction that makes NO sense. Grief alone can make a person feel totally crazy, the cycling of sorrow, anger, bargaining, and acceptance...in waves. Add to that the total frustration of lies, deception, addiction and crazy perceptions and the situation is rough.
Be gentle with yourself. Practice MAJOR SELF CARE!!! Glad you found this site, it's a huge resource to vent, cry, ask, seek, refuse, argue, etc etc etc. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Accept the support of people who have been there. To deal with the loss, emotions, and confusion surrounding addiction is it's own vicious world, it takes A LOT of experience, strength and hope and that is what we give to each other here and in meetings. To let go. To let go. To let go. It is not your addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6
Wow! Thank you so much to all of you for your honesty in such a kind and gentle way. I know what I have to do, but it is soooo hard. I'm normally so level-headed, but this guy slowly planted himself all over my life...including in my home and with my family. It's hard to detach from the man I first knew, but you are all right! Addicts lie-he has proved this over and over again. Luckily, I can see right through him, and it's only been four months, so relatively speaking, this shouldn't be too hard.
I am amazed by the tenderness of each of your replies....you have all helped immensely...thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
I am amazed by the tenderness of each of your replies....you have all helped immensely...thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6
Oh! By the way, he is in a recovery program as of Saturday...it sounds like they have support for people associated with their patients, but I'm not sure if I should be involved at all, even if it means getting help through them. Any advice? Also, do you guys know of any support groups/resources (I'm in Southern California)? I thought Al Anon was for Alcoholics?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Yes, those are all very normal feelings. Am glad you found SR. This story sounds alot like what I went through a few months ago. I felt okay letting him come home with me from my home state because we'd known each other since High School. I'll never do that again!
This guy was able to hold it together for about a month the cracks became very apparent. He had also told me he'd had some sort of vague problem in the past, but never used drugs any more. I first figured out he had a big alcohol problem, and two days later he woke me up around 3AM to tell me he'd just bought and used Cocaine but knew he'd made a mistake.
He knew I was dealing with my brother's addiction issues and seemed so knowledgeable and wise about addiction. He reallly had me snowed. I ended it quickly after a couple of horrible episodes and would have done so sooner if I could have figured out how to get him out quicker. The thread about it is around here somewhere.
I won't tell you what to do, but will tell you that there's no way I'd try to start a relationship with someone that had less than a solid year of recovery under their belt. Frankly, after what I've been through with this guy and with family members I'm not sure 20 years would be enough for me.
This guy was able to hold it together for about a month the cracks became very apparent. He had also told me he'd had some sort of vague problem in the past, but never used drugs any more. I first figured out he had a big alcohol problem, and two days later he woke me up around 3AM to tell me he'd just bought and used Cocaine but knew he'd made a mistake.
He knew I was dealing with my brother's addiction issues and seemed so knowledgeable and wise about addiction. He reallly had me snowed. I ended it quickly after a couple of horrible episodes and would have done so sooner if I could have figured out how to get him out quicker. The thread about it is around here somewhere.
I won't tell you what to do, but will tell you that there's no way I'd try to start a relationship with someone that had less than a solid year of recovery under their belt. Frankly, after what I've been through with this guy and with family members I'm not sure 20 years would be enough for me.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by flyawayhome 
Oh! By the way, he is in a recovery program as of Saturday...it sounds like they have support for people associated with their patients, but I'm not sure if I should be involved at all, even if it means getting help through them. Any advice? Also, do you guys know of any support groups/resources (I'm in Southern California)? I thought Al Anon was for Alcoholics?
You've got a lot of thinking to do! Spend LOTS of time on here reading LOTS of stories. But please, as you read, don't lie to yourself and think that your addict is any different that the ones you read about here. Keep it real.
(((Hugs))), Welcome to SR and I'm very sorry you have to be here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6
Thank you, Hanna and TJP.....it has been very reassuring to read what everyone else has been through...I am so relieved to have these next two weeks without any contact from him so that I can think with a clearer, less influenced head, and am already starting to feel more like my old self. This has been quite a ride (and a shock!), but I'm so grateful for SR and the wonderful, nonjudgemental advice and support from everyone. You guys are all amazing!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Oh, I know what you mean!! SR was comforting and dis-comforting at the same time. It was wonderful to come to a place where everyone had "been there done that" and there were absolutely no judgements--just compassion. At the same time, it was sad and discomforting to read and realize that there was really nothing I could do to help my addict/son other than to get out of the way. The stories of pain, courage and recovery here are amazing.
You sound like a girl with her wits about her, but still -- the road can be difficult even if you have decided what you want to do. The addict can complicate the clean break you imagine. Thankfully SR is open 24/7/365!!
You sound like a girl with her wits about her, but still -- the road can be difficult even if you have decided what you want to do. The addict can complicate the clean break you imagine. Thankfully SR is open 24/7/365!!
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by flyawayhome
Oh! By the way, he is in a recovery program as of Saturday...it sounds like they have support for people associated with their patients, but I'm not sure if I should be involved at all, even if it means getting help through them. Any advice? Also, do you guys know of any support groups/resources (I'm in Southern California)? I thought Al Anon was for Alcoholics?
I wanted to chime in, I'm in socal as well and find alanon works great... I tried out naranon too and if there were more meetings that would be my primary program.
Your story also sounds EXACTLY like mine... After I started dating my ex for 3 months I caught him using, but I was already falling in love with him... I didnt get out and a year later he finally got sober for 15 months. Everyone's stories are different, but just know we are (I am) always here for you..
If I could pass anything along about that year, it would be not to isolate and lose your other relationships... I did that out of shame and was left with nothing but him, I started to live in the addict world and I completely lost who I was. Either way I don't regret the past.
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