MilWife07

Okay, tomorrow my AH has off work (not very common for active duty service member). I explaned that I would like to attend an AlAnon meeting. he asked me what that is. I told him "it's a meeting for a person to go to when someone they love's drinking or drug use affects them negatively." His response "F*** you". I told him he can feel how he wants but I'm going regardless. He proceeded to say that he won't watch the kids. We have 2 young children. The closest meeting with Child care is too far. I don't have anyone to watch them. We just got PCS'd here and have no family or friends (especially people I can talk to about this). Should I just take the kids anyways and explain why? I'[ve never been to an Alanon meeting.

Also AH has made a big deal tonight about how he's drank 4 glasses of iced tea. He typically drinks 2 to 3 mixed drinks or shots at night with dinner. So far he hasn't had a drink tonight. He will go through a 5th of gin in 5-7 days. Is that a lot? He's definitely a "Functioning alcoholic". Anyways...I am hoping I can find people to talk to in person so I don't have to come in here too much.

akrasia

His response "F*** you".

If you believe he'll be sober during the day (like if he typically drinks at night), you could just leave the house at your appointed time with a cheerful wave. Mommy's going to a meeting. Daddy will be making your lunch. It's called parenting! F*** you too, honey!

But if there's any chance he'll be drunk and/or a butt to the kids, yeah, just call ahead and see whether you can take your kids, which I bet would be okay. I'm sure you're not the only person there with a useless partner.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I assume he's in the military? Any resources through his employer?

MilWife07

Yes, he's been in for 8 years, many tours overseas. Unfortunately saying anything about problems at home can lead to career ending. We have to try to resolve this without involving his work. Also we are on a reserve base which does not have the resources like a regular bases does. But I'm good at finding resources usually.

I'd trust they would be okay while I was gone. He's never given me any reason to think otherwise. Fortunately his drinking at this point only really affects me directly, not the kids.

I think he's still at the beginning stages of alcoholism. He doesn't understand why I have such a problem. I keep telling him it makes my skin crawl everytime I hear the freezer door open....because I know that leads to ice cubes which leads to a mixed drink of gin and gingerale. I HATE the anxiety it gives me. It turns in to anger and resentment towards him and then I just want to break the darn bottle or dump it out and make him mad. But I never do because I don't feel like having the kids have to listen to his vulgar mouth or sarcastic meanness. Our kids are barely 2yo and under 1 yo so they don't comprehend as easily....just tone of voice. Is this the anxiety that would describe someone living with an alcoholic? I wish I had one specific incident or "rock bottom" incident that I coud just point to. He is SO good at arguing that he doesn't have problem. He always gets me good...I never know what to say. Then he thinks he's won.

akrasia

Honestly? His randomly saying "f*** you" to his wife does it for me.

Hanna

Is this the first time you've raised the issue of him drinking?
Does he usually talk to you that way?
You know that's verbal abuse, right?

I'm praying for you and sending you strength.

NewChapter

Milwife: Thanks for posting here, and good for you for getting help for you. When I told my XAH that I had gone to some Al-anon meetings, he said, "O XXXX, here comes the intervention." When I explained the meeting was for ME, he was briefly speechless (I didn't do much for ME back then!) and quickly changed the subject.

My XAH was threatened by my attendance, maybe yours is, too.

Sending hugs to you.

wellnowwhat

My AH used to think at Alanon we would sit around and tell horror stories about our qualifier. After I took some time to tell him how we did some readings and that there usually was a topic and we related the topic to ourselves, and that gossiping about our qualifier was actually discouraged, he felt some relief.

I hope you find some peace and serenity from your meetings!

wicked

Hello MilWife, I was married to an active duty active duty alcoholic, I was a practicing (well, I had plenty of practice, 20 years!) alcoholic when I was stationed in Germany. In my opinion, I went to the best rehab ever. I got better and found many helpful places to go, even places where english was spoken.
On post, there were AlAnon meetings, (anonymous too) AA meetings and Alateen meetings.
Has your husbands drinking led to any negative consequences? Any bad paper? Article 15's or a bad ratings review?
the Army will send him to rehab, and yes there will be some consequences, but not nearly as bad as giving up his career with a dishonorable discharge.

Hmm, try the chaplain, explain to him your situation and he can give you some direction.

Beth

I hope you all, as a family come through this, and are better for it.
I know I am.

skippernlilg

Actually, I kind of expected him to have this reaction. I'm very familiar with being a family member of an alcoholic since my bio-dad and now my RABF are afflicted.

For some reason, the alcoholic feels like their whole lives are threatened if any one thing changes. And boy, if it has anything to do with their family members learning something outside of what the alcoholic needs for the family to know in order to protect his/her alcoholism, then there's surely heck to pay.

Alcoholics are selfish, self-centered, manipulative...the list goes on...anything to protect their lovely bottle.

Ah, but we codies? We want to save the world!! I really need to worry about that for myself. Thus, Al-anon for me, too.

I also think you can wave your happy hand good-bye and go on to your meeting tomorrow just fine. The meetings are generally about an hour. He can handle it. I think you may find better resources for your child care after you actually attend a meeting or two.

PurpleWilder

Since the kids are so small, can you take a Pack N Play and/or carseat for them? I'm also quite sure that they are super cute and I'm sure folks at the meeting would just LOVE super cute kids.

Just show up and stick your head into the meeting, explain and ask if you can bring in the kids. If not - well, then, at least you got them out of the house.