Windblown

What if I had said, Yes to my AS when he showed me his stab wounds in jail and asked if he could come home. He had nowhere to go...his choice...I know. But I went with my husband's advice, and my sponsor's and all the Naranon people...but in my heart wanted to say...Yes.

What is wrong with compassion and forgiveness? Is that not what we are supposed to feel? Are we not supposed to help the down and out...especially our own children? Because of my saying No...you need to get into recovery and here is a list of places...my son left jail and moved back to his meth Dad's across the country.

If I had said Yes...he might have had a chance...but the Naranon people all say ... It would have brought chaos into your home and possible criminals around...my son was dealing drugs.

I get confused. I was taught to practice compassion and forgiveness especially to the down and out...like Jesus did. Naranon is opposite of that. Now there is a schism in my family. My son is lost and gone.

All i ever wanted was a nice little family...instead I married two addicts and had a child with each...then quick divorces...

I am now married to a king and loving man and he really tried with my AS. But he's tough love all the way. Yesterday my AS texted him and said...I don't know You at all and you sure as heck don't know me. This hurt my husband and me too. I just can't take it anymore.

Life doesn't make sence. The great spiritual teachings of the world don't teach us about dealing with addiction....about saying No. They say...help otjers and you will receive help...give money and you will then receive...

I just don't understand my life at all. I don't nor have I ever had a Dream...of anything. It's more like just taking the hits and moving on one step at a time. I have much to be grateful for. I realize I am in self-pity. I just don't understand why bad things happen. I just don't understand why my son is gone when in the beginning...everything was so good and he had everything going for him. Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault...and it makes it hard to go on.

Hanna

You get a round of applause from me. You just did the hardest thing, and though it hurts to no end, it is the best thing for your son.

We can have compassion and forgiveness without allowing the addicts we love to take away our own peace at home. I believe that we do people a favor when we stop allowing them to accumulate damages with us. Fewer things they will have to feel guilt and shame about if they ever get sober.

Your son didn't go to his Dad's because you said no. That was only one of his options besides your home. You gave him life, but you do not own his choices, his successes or his failures.

Look at it from a different perspective - helping your son simply means something different than you always believed help to be. Help means believing in his ability to turn his own life around. It means believing he can get clean and support himself. It means not giving him money with which to buy drugs that will further damage him. It means not giving him the comfort of your home from which he can continue down a path that isn't good for him.

Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

lesliej

the spiritual teachings are right...help others, be generous in compassion.
the teachings of addiction have taught how to best help them, how to practice compassion with an addict.
the greatest love you can show them is to practice saying no when you need to, when it is best for them. (like saying no to a child when needed)
Compassion is not pity. Compassion is not easy. That is why in one spiritual tradition a man is showed being crucified for practicing it. The spiritual teachings do not say it will be easy. They all say it takes practice and discipline.
All of the addicts I have met say that the man I love/d (unconditionally) needed me to let him go.

Watch your own desires, your own way of manipulating. Manipulating is a natural act, we all do it, we just need help discerning and seeking the right thing to do. I don't think you will find anyone (who has any clue about addiction) who would tell you it would be best for you and your son to live together now.

God loves him more than you do, turn it over.

Seren

I'm so very sorry for your hurt. I also understand the pain that your husband feels on receiving that text from your son.

I am speaking from experience when I say that its goal was to be hurtful and guilt-inducing and manipulative. My addicted stepson has alternatively called me a gold-digging trophy wife and a naive, s*** kicker in e-mails to his father (now Mr. HG). Frankly, he doesn't know ME at all, and neither does your son know your husband.

If you had allowed your son to come home, what do you believe would have happened? Do you think he would have abided by house rules?

or

Do you think he would have continued to live the life he wants to live aided by your providing him a bed to sleep in and food to eat?

Perhaps he and his father will quit each other's company soon, once your son realizes that his father will probably not cater to his every whim either, since he has his own self-interested addiction to maintain.

My continued prayers for you and your whole family. Hugs, HG

Windblown

Thanks everyone. I guess I'm a slow learner. Soemtimes I wish this life would be over and I could go on to heaven where everything is perfect and beautiful.

The best days I have had lately is when I have stayed home and listened to the voice of spirit giving me guidance throughout the day. All I did was clean the living room...but I did it with patience and paid attention to the moment and all the details. I kept in constant dialogue with Spirit. Then the last few days...I became confused and ran hither and yon. I couldn't hear and was too busy to slow down and try. And then I fell apart last night.

My life's dream is just to be in a peaceful place with God...meditating....doing small things. I can't get wrapped up in too many oligations, shopping is exhausting, paying bills is monumental...and Christmas...my oldest son coming....I am so excited but afraid it won't be good enough for him. He is very disciplined, straight A student, traditional....has done so much more in his life than I have in mine. Sometimes he is critical...but he is not an addict. I will try to help him understand the disease of his addictin as he is angry with his younger brother.

Thanks for putting this little train back on the track today. I am trying. I'm a bit depressed...but that will go away like everything else does.

Thank you for being there for me today.

outtolunch

I swear sometimes, our own egos are the enemy. In the 2 years you have had custody of him, he received an education, a car, motorcycle, food, clothing, a roof over his head, gym membership, cell phone, counseling and attention. Despite this, he chose to get involved with heroin, meth and cocaine. He was ( is?) dealing drugs. ( How this kid got from Nevada to Georgia without money is a mystery) He stole from you and you found a shotgun in his car.

There's more here than could be reasonably addressed by a $15K stint in rehab gift from your mom.

Allowing anyone who is into the combo of the big 3 drugs with easy access to firearms and the people and lifestyle associated with it inside their home is luancy, not compassion.

Your son had /has choices. He is not ready to make an investment into his own future. Instead, he chose to skip town and in doing so ensured a warrant would be issued for his arrest should he return to Nevada.

There are millions of homeless adults out there including gainfully employed people. Not all of them are involved in drugs or crimes. Despite their dire circumstances, many make better choices each and every day.

It sounds like your son persists with this fantasy of a life without consequences. Nothing short of kidnapping him and tying him down was going to prevent him from living life as he saw fit to do.

laurie6781

You would have had a thief and liar living in home. You would have had things 'missing' in a very short time. You would be locking up your wallets and car keys or sleeping with them under your pillows.

Your house would have become a WAR ZONE, you would always be in tears or angry and your AS would blissfully go on his way.

If you had said yes, you would have been prolonging his recovery.

"Kindness and Compassion" do not work on the PRACTICING Alcoholic and/or Addict. They just give the A more reasons to try and MANIPULATE us harder. I may be sober and clean over 30 years, but I can still remember to this day if I saw any kind of '*****' in a family member or friends armor I quickly used it to my advantage so that ................................ I could continue to use and abuse alcohol and drugs.

Yes, he is your son, BUT he is not rational and is living in a FALSE REALITY. The REALITY OF DRUGS.

PLEASE Winblown for your Peace of Mind and Serenity, type up and print out the following to paste on every mirror in your house that you use:


I didn't CAUSE this.

I can't CONTROL this.

I can't CURE this.


Feel free to just copy and paste the above to a plain page then print out your copies and put on each mirror.

YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.

Yes, I know we as parents can feel this way.

I married my first husband at 21 years of age, and 6 months later I was in Family Court legally adopting his 4 children from his first wife, who was a practicing alkie of many years and was dieing. (She died 4 months later).

The children ranged in age from 6 years old to 13 years old. I did my best with those kids and am happy to say they all had trials and tribulations growing up but slowly managed to get on the right track of life, 3 of 4 that is.

The youngest (which we didn't find out until years later was not even my husband's son, but back then, they were married, he was born, and legally, blood or no blood he was Donald's son, and became my son by adoption.

We had troubles with this boy ........................ from the get go. More troubles than the other 3 combined. With my husband being in the Air Force a lot of this fell on me. I went to every agency we had, talked with psych Drs, had him seeing psych Drs. Nothing really changed muh, but he did finish High School.

He turned 18 years old. The day after his birthday he went out 'hunting' to see what it felt like to9 kill someone. He found out. Was caught within a week. Went to trial almost a year later (with a public defender), was found guilty, was sentenced to LIFE WITHOUT PAROLE (there was no death penalty in Wisconsin) and to this day sits in Waupon State Prison.

He is Psychopath, and a Sociopath.

Did I feel guilty? Yep, for a while. And I do believe that his actions were my excuse for my final 2 1/2 years of my own alcoholism into the worst it ever was. But it was just that, an excuse. I don't feel any guilt and haven't for almost as long as I have been sober.

Why? Because I learned even more to TRUST my HP, and I came to realize that I DID THE BEST I COULD WITH WHAT I HAD AT THE TIME.

HP gives us children on loan. We are given our children to nurture and instill 'good living habits' to the best of our ability, and then .................................. we have to set them free.

What our children do with what they have earned is between the child and their HP.

I do believe your 'sitting on the pitty pot' sessions will get shorter and further apart.

Just keep posting and ranting and raving and crying and yes even laughing, as we DO understand!

Love and hugs,

Windblown

Wow Laurie...you have really been through it. You are a true inspiration. None of us have it easy. We are all here to learn. Thank you for allowing me to pour my heart out here...thanks to ALL of you. I will take another step forward today after three back yesterday....and stay on the path of truth.

And I don't doubt my As will be staying with his Father for long. I have to let him go, I have to stop beating myself up. I wasn't perfect but I always tried to be the best Mom I could be. I just didn't know at the time how to do all the right things.

I have to remember to slow down and meditate....I also notice 4 days without a meeting is too many. And Christmas is another trigger. I always get anxiety before Christmas...as a child of divorced parents in two different states it was chaotic, stressful, overwhelming...my Dad always lost his temper...lots of uncomfortable moments...too many brothers and sisters, one of who is handicapped and totally selfish.

Sometimes I want January to hurry up and come...but I really only have one day to deal with at a time...and that is Today. So that is what I will cope with. Today. The present moment. I am going to meditate and if I fall asleep...that is o.k. too.

Hugs, warm fuzzies, and hope to everyone out there who is open to it...I'm sending it out now!

Heartbroken0608

((hugs))

I let my son back after a crisis.. I justified it by saying he could stay in the pool house but would not be allowed in the main house. He spent the month doing exactly what he had doing despite me giving him a place to live and buying him food. My reward? Over $10,000 worth of damage and him taking off despite being on probation.

Trust me, you did the right thing. All I accomplished by allowing my son back was an additional month of hell and he got another "easy" month to continue his addiction. A lose-lose for all of us!

Thanks for sharing your story Laurie. You are an inspiration.

laurie6781

ME TOO!!!

However, something I learned pretty soon after I finally found recovery, and it was something in all my angst I had never thought of:

I could make NEW MEMORIES. WOW a concept!!!

My first Sober Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, I stayed REAL CLOSE to the folks in AA, went to some 'open houses' and watched other.

By my second Thanksgiving I was almost 18 months and I had a 'Plan of Action'. I announced at some of the meetings I attended that I would be having an 'Open House' on Thanksgiving, that would start at 1pm. I had to make it that late because I committed to helping out at one of the Rescue Missions and helped make the meal there, and then came home to check on mine, lol

Did the same thing Xmas. I swear I was still glowing inside in March, lol

Over the years I have made many NEW MEMORIES and the old ones are now in the distant past. They don't upset me anymore.

Old Memories no longer 'rule' my life. I have no control over all those people (some of which are now gone) who made me miserable as a child and young adult. I do have control over who I spend my Holidays with now.

Right now I have the card table up in the middle of the Living Room and that is where I wrap presents, lol. Slowly they are getting wrapped. I have my small 'white' tree up with its 'fiber optics' and its decorated with red ornaments and gold garland.

So, push away those 'old memories' and start making some new ones!!

J M H O

(((((Heartbroken)))))

I don't know about being an inspiration, but I do know I AM A SURVIVOR!

And thanks to the folks in AA back in the early '80's in the San Fernando Valley, I learned to like myself again and then love myself again. At 3 years sober I started Alanon and again was helped by so many kind, caring people that I have no choice but to continue to give away what was so freely given to me.

Love and hugs,

OwlFeathers

Wind, when I find myself feeling these things you have felt today, I try and remind myself, Chop wood , Carry water. Focus on the task at hand, and don't get caught up in the drama. Of course, I still have my meltdowns, and occasionally I question my actions. Thank you for sharing, because it helps me to realize I am not alone. And then all these wonderful people chime in with their insights and experiences, and wisdom, and it's like we are all a family, sharing pain and sharing inspiration, and helping each other to get through each day.
I hope your day tomorrow is better. You are a wonderful mom.

Windblown

Thanks everyone. I pushed through my day yesterday and did what was before me. I have had problems with alcohol myself and have had 10 years sober at regular 2 1/2 years sobriety. Then I drink for a few months and stop again...with or without A.A. I stopped this time because I saw the chaos all around me with my AS and drugs and my husband drank heavily in July but stopped and still drinks every night but doesn't go more than one or two. I have never been addicted to anything...except addicts. But after 40 days of not drinking and going to Naranon...I drank Saturday night. I drank 5 beers in two hours, threw up and went to sleep. I told my husband I felt like drinking and to please drive me to a meeting because I felt so upset with the text message he received from my AS saying this to my husband...I don't know you at all and you sure as heck don't know me! My husband said...I'm not going to an A.A. Meeting...so I chose to drink. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. Now I feel terrible that I drank. I don't feel comfortable at A.A. And I wonder if the one A.A. Meeting that I went to in the last 6
months...which was last Friday...made me drink!

I just think drinking and drugs are a cop out. I don't want to be involved in them. My husband drinks and smokes weed. He used to be sober. I notice the difference in his personality...it is subtle...but he is way more self-centered. But he is also very protective and loving and caring of me and he is doing well. But he isn't as honest.

With my AS...the addiction and the chaos are IN MY FACE...very black and white. But I know there are many people who enjoy a drink or two every night and don't have a problem...my Mother being one of them. In fact, the social circle I grew up in....cocktails were a way of life...every night of the week. But I don't drink like that...so I don't drink. It is easy to quit. It is hard to stay stopped over 3 years...but then I just stop again.

Do any of you...have an occasional drink because you are so upset over your addicted loved one or what they did? Does this make you an alcoholic? I mean I am upset with myself. If drugs and alcohol are killing my family why would I do them? And yet I succommed Sat. Night. And I feel like a failure. I wish my husband wold stop drinking around me. Sometimes I think I might leave him. But I can't work until my workman's comp case is over...at least 7 months. I have applied to volunteer at 6 different places....all the recovery places I suggested to As son...and two libraries. So I am trying to do something useful. There are many people out of work here and I think the volunteer jobs are full...that is what the library said...but we'll see.

Thanks for all your shares. My husband and I had a good talk about my AS and he ALWAYS says the same thing as you guys and the same thing I here at Naranon and he doesn't even go to the meetings. He is able to see the situation more clearly because he's not the bio Dad or the Mom. Anyway...I'll keep truckin' Thanks for your support....as always.

dollydo

Well, reading your story, you seem to gravitate to men with addiction issues. Have you ever questioned why? Your current husband is involved with drugs and the two previous ones were too.

As for your issues, the only answer to me is meetings and more meetings. You need to get healthy for you, there appears to be alot of dysfunction in your family, perhaps seeking therapy will help you to understand why you do what you do.

My best....Dolly

Windblown

Yep...guess I'll go to Naranon and A.A. And I am seeing my therapist today at 1:30 pm. I moved it up a week. My Dad is a heavy but functioning drinker. Always drinks 4-5 scotches a night, wine with dinner....then to bed. He is probably an alcoholic....I married men just like him...or just opposite of him....but the opposite ones are even kind of like him in some ways. I'll talk about this in therapy today. Thanks for the suggestion.

Chino

I've not ever used anything when I'm stressed, in fact I rarely drink, but I've abused alcohol many many times. I've always wanted to 'catch a buzz' (binge drinking) when I'm feeling perfectly fine or, at worst, bored out of my mind. It's greed on my part, because perfectly fine isn't always enough, and being bored is just me being too lazy to do something else. It's addict behavior and, though only 3-4 times a year, abuse is abuse. So, to answer your question, I've discovered that yes, I'm an addict (alcohol specifically).

I've not done any binge drinking since I realized this, haven't had any temptations, but I'm sure it's coming. It always does.

Windblown

Appreciate the honesty, Chino! I concentrated so much on my AS's dishonesty that I failed to notice my OWN dishonesty! Sometimes loving an addict makes me feel like I'm batter than they are...but I'm certainly not! I have to work on being honest too. Do I abuse alcohol occassionally...yep. So am I an alcoholic? Yes. Am I bipolar? Yes. Have I always been honest with my Dr. about taking my meds? No. Will I this Wed.? Yes. I have to work on me. I have to accept I'm freakin' a codie enabler in Naranon, a recovering alcoholic and a bipolar. Guess that makes me a triple winner!!! Oh well, at least I'm being honest. Wish I was normal...but hey what is it they say about "normal"....oh NORMAL is just a setting on the washing machine! At least I am doing something about my problems. I'm trying.

It is harder to recognize alcoholism when your life functions and you don't drink every day
But it's how it effects me, I get depressed aftterwards, and my personality changes when I drink. So it's been a day of therapy for me. Went to A.A., then to the therapist and now off to Naranon meeting! And...I even took my meds! Oh...and I remembered to eat!!!

Love to everybody!!!

dollydo

There you go, focus on you, stay on your meds, keep your resolve to get healthy, in all facets of your life.

Impurrfect

Good for you ((Windblown))!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Chino

Windblown, you took another huge first step and good for you