Threshold

Here is my experience.

Some rehab programs and many recovering addicts suggest the people don't get involved in a new romantic/sexual relationship in early recovery.

I am not going to debate the origin or wisdom of that suggestion. I am fairly new to recovery myself and don't have enough objectivity or wisdom to go there, but I do have my own experience.

I realized, last night, laying in the dark, that my issue is not that relationships themselves make me relapse, but that I don't know how to choose someone who is capable of a healthy relationship. And maybe I am not currently capable of a healthy relationship.

It's not that all my relationships tank, it's that they tank in the same way. There is something there I am not seeing, some red flag behavior in myself and others. Ther is a path in my brain that causes me to repeat stupid relationship choices and behaviors. There is a part of me that seems addicted to certain types of situations, partners and choices.

Just like I don't use anymore because I don't want to go where that leads me. I need to learn how to do that when it comes to relationships as well. I find myself applying the same pointless thinking..."this time it will be different" even though I am doing the same things. And guess what, it's NOT different and I end up with the same regrets and results.

I am calling this "relationship relapse" in my own head.

zorilla

Great post!!!
I can really relate.There is also a path in my brain that causes me to repeat stupid relationship choices and behaviors.Thank God I have a sponsor to help me with relationships or soon I would be right back to drinking and using drugs.

RobbyRobot

You know for me, I really had to see and accept just how selfish my expectations were in my relationships in early sobriety. Also, I found it difficult to accept that I couldn't give what I didn't have to give. My wanting whatever didn't make it so, and I needed to grow in responsibility to ensure that I really did have something to offer. And the other thing for me was coming to an understanding that I was not an easy person to be in a relationship with, and so honestly understanding what troubles I brought into the relationship became important to both of us.

Its an old cliche, but nothing changes if nothing changes, and so then change is absolutely on the table when being involved in any level of intimacy within any relationship. Without positive change ongoing, things stay messed up.