MsGrace

My husband wasn't nearly as thoughtful or loving to take the time to explain...but how I would have appreciated an explanation like this:

Carole Bennett, MA: A Love Letter After His Relapse

Maybe it can offer a bit of comfort and understanding to someone else....

quitforme79

Wow, thanks so much for posting this. I would live to see a letter like this from my abf ex...maybe some day.

Learn2Live

This:


Is SO me. Exactly. Thank you for sharing that article. What she wrote after the letter was one of the best explanations of what happened to me I've read. In relationships, (even in non-alcoholic ones) I honestly have to fight everyday from losing myself, allowing the other person to take over my life (not Giving it over), and becoming that "shadow" of myself.

akrasia

"Me-memememe-meeee." [singing]

I imagined getting a letter like that from AH, and I found that I just couldn't finish reading it. As I was reading I was like, "I DON'T CA-A-A-A-ARE SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!"

Maybe other people appreciate having the addict's troubles explained in this way, but I just thought, "God, hasn't she spent enough mental and emotional energy on his addiction? Does he really think she's got nothing better to think about than his sophomoric ruminations on his own addiction?"

I'm sure we're getting an edited version, but still--not a single word from him on how she might be doing, how is her job, her studies. Not a word.

Can't he just say, "I'm going to sort out my own alcohol problem so we can have a life together." That would be a lot more meaningful. And then, you know, do so.

tabatha

To tell you the truth I'm not sure I would have even believed anything in the letter. I had gotten many cards and messages similar to the letter but the words never matched any of the actions, so I came to be very cynical that it was just another fleeting moment of remorse on his part.

kiki5711

words are cheap. Action speaks louder.

akrasia

Yeah and there's usually an inverse correllation: volume of WORDS to actual action.

Leaping

I agree. I received well written, eloquent letters from my STBXAH while he was out of state in a second rehab. All about how the alcohol made him feel and how he doesnt want to drink and how things were different and about how I was everything to him. And THIS time, THIS time he was going to stop.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Verbal diarrhea. Actions never supported his words.

StarCat

I still have the last "letter" that XABF wrote to me, about the addiction. He wrote it in rehab and gave it to me the day I visited, the day before I went no contact.

Whenever I open it, I have to stop reading after the third verse, because it's just more of the same:
When I got off the phone with you
The sadness in your voice apparent,
And realize alcohol ruined our holiday week
Because I felt snubbed by a parent

Nope, not his fault, it's my Dad's fault he drinks. Lovely.
If I make it through that verse, there's another doozy on the end of page two:
Get back to your scrapbook
And miniature plants
Work from our dining room nook
No more "can'ts"

I never really liked that scrapbook. I was good at it, sure, due to science fair and all in school, but he wanted the scrapbook.

The rest of the poem is things like:
We made it through our hear of hell,
And I can guarantee,
Our lives going forward from here,
Will be a love of eternity.

But there's too much of the other stuff in there, too many words that never turned to action, too much of the old thinking. It was a letter at me, not too me, and I was supposed to be swept off my feet for one more spin around the merry-go-round.

The letter hurt more than helped. I kept it as a reminder of why I wasn't going back.
Now I keep it because he's never coming back, and I feel guilty throwing out the last thing he sent to me. I'll work through that too, and by that time who knows whether I'll keep it or not, but right now it's a reminder of empty promises that never happened, that I didn't really want to happen by that time, anyway.

I'm glad he got sober at the end, I really and truly am. I'm glad someone told me he got sober, too...
But the letter? I could have done without the letter.

TakingCharge999

Thanks all for sharing as I never got anything like that from XABF so its kind of reaffirming to know a letter, poem or whatever wouldn´t have made any difference.

The other day I met a "friend" I hadn´t seen in a long time, I asked her about her plans, current life, well stuff you generally ask someone and she NEVER even asked how I was doing nor anything about ME.

I am done with monologues or interviews... honestly, I can´t stand selfish people anymore, I figure I have spent more than my share in this life along with them... some people are just unable to share, and that is not my problem.....

Taking5

I liked this for the use of the phrase "verbal diarrhea". I'm going to use that one soon.

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic I must say this letter is right on target. Drinking is the END of a relapse and to stop it, an alcoholic must be brutally honest about what he/she is thinking. That obviously didn't happen here. It isn't about other people, friends and family, it's about being an alcoholic. I think self-destructiveness is at the heart of alcoholism, it was for me at least. You have to go to any lengths to stay sober. HOW -- honest, open and willing.

m1k3

I read the letter and just kind of smiled. I'm at the point with my AW where I don't care.

I have found the opposite of love and it's not hate, it's indifference. We may have shared a past but the person she has become and the person I have become have nothing in common. She has nothing that I want and she has taken so much that I have nothing left to give.

I really believe if I got a letter like that I would just throw it out. If she was working her recovery she wouldn't be bugging me. She would also know there are no amends she could make that would mean anything to me.

We had a relationship, it's gone and now we don't.

Simple as that.

NYCDoglvr

Yes, I agree. Actions always speak louder than words.

Learn2Live

TC said:
Me too. Sick of saying hello to the same people At work, everytime Insee them, and getting nothing back but a nasty look on their face, then wondering "why???" I'm off topic but I think it's applicable to the thread because his letter is all about the "Whys" and I think it's part of how we get stuck trying to relate to sick people, feeling bad about ourselves. I've learned that Why just does not friggin matter!! So sick of wondering Why. It gets me no where. I have literally wasted YEARS asking Why. No more; I'm with TC, not gonna bother with people who just do not get it, anymore.

MsGrace

Thanks for this. I really do understand all of you who say "it just doesn't matter"...and my sponsor once told me "pay attention to what they do not what they say". Sage advice! BUT For some of us who are just beginning this journey of recovery...this letter (had I received it) would have helped me to understand the disease better, and showed me my AH had a shred of empathy for someone else (which mine does not). In the early days and weeks I was starved for this simple understanding. In my case, once I actually knew what was happening, what staying with him would mean to my life, it was over. I knew for sure I'd become bitter, jaded and wounded beyond my ability to heal to stay with an alcoholic. So I bit the biggest pain off right away: tell him goodbye. I cried and heaved till I thought my intestines would come up through my mouth. That part is mostly behind me now as I start to step through re-building. Facing a lifetime of this craziness and uncertainty would have surely made me a bitter, horrible person. I just chose when to drink my poison...I drank it right away and totally. That letter would have helped me suffer a bit less, I think.

akrasia

Holy crap. That's the kind of thing that if you put it in a novel, the editor would be like, "No, that's over the top. No one's that obnoxious in real life."

I'm so sorry. But yeah, it's a good thing to read for those moments you're tempted to call.