Tired of being "attacked"
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I can't speak for the people in your life - but I know the people in my life lost patience.
I talked the talk a lot but I did not walk the walk for many years.
Even when I did eventually quit to many people I was still the guy who cried wolf - I'd let them down a lot.
I think there was a lot of fear in reactions like that - fear I wasn't done, fear I wasn't doing enough to be done - and most of the time it was justified, in my case.
I found when I really quit and stayed that way I changed - and, eventually, people picked up on that change
D
I talked the talk a lot but I did not walk the walk for many years.
Even when I did eventually quit to many people I was still the guy who cried wolf - I'd let them down a lot.
I think there was a lot of fear in reactions like that - fear I wasn't done, fear I wasn't doing enough to be done - and most of the time it was justified, in my case.
I found when I really quit and stayed that way I changed - and, eventually, people picked up on that change
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 27
I can relate to this. Happens to me alot. When I try to make sense of it, I guess it boils down to the fact that they care about me, my well-being and my future. However if they are not an addict themselves they don't understand verbally attacking is the wrong way to go about it, at least for me anyway. I know when I get freaked out on about something I have not even done yet, it almost makes me want to do it just to **** them off, since they have pissed me off.
In my experience when someone does this to me, its usually because they have seen me repeat the same thing over and over no matter how many times I tell them it won't happen again. Or the old "Don't worry about me tonight, yes I'm going out but I'm not drinking. I'll be home early." Then I stumble in at 4 am puking.
In my experience when someone does this to me, its usually because they have seen me repeat the same thing over and over no matter how many times I tell them it won't happen again. Or the old "Don't worry about me tonight, yes I'm going out but I'm not drinking. I'll be home early." Then I stumble in at 4 am puking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 71
Past behaviour is the best indication of future behaviour. We brought the distrust and questioning upon ourselves. That being said it drives me nuts too! I am learning to take a step back and realize that my wife and family are trying to help me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: reno nv
Posts: 89
People are just worried about you. I know. It doesn't make it any easier if they're yelling at you all the time.You to tell them that we need to be a positive reinforcement. Yo
U need a positive circle of support or you're just going to crumble under the pressure. I
Would tell them that if they can't support you, leave you alone. I
N my experience. I've learned that when people put that much more pressure on me and I'm sressed out that's when I want to drink the most.I wish I had better advice for you. Good luck on your journey!
U need a positive circle of support or you're just going to crumble under the pressure. I
Would tell them that if they can't support you, leave you alone. I
N my experience. I've learned that when people put that much more pressure on me and I'm sressed out that's when I want to drink the most.I wish I had better advice for you. Good luck on your journey!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Seared, are you going to drink again in this lifetime, or are you not?
If your gf or family were to ask you that question, would you be able to answer it? The reason I mention this is that if you don't know the answer to that question, then you can't possibly expect anyone else to, either.
Something to ponder.
If your gf or family were to ask you that question, would you be able to answer it? The reason I mention this is that if you don't know the answer to that question, then you can't possibly expect anyone else to, either.
Something to ponder.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 111
One thing I do is, when I have been drinking my gf knows just by looking at me, she says my eyes change when I drink. She'll say, "you've been drinking" and I lie and say that I haven't, even though we both know that's not true. I even tell her once I'm sober again, that yes I was drunk at the time. She's asked me why do I lie to her face like that when drunk, but I can't explain it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Seared))) - I went through this, for quite a while after I got into recovery. Though my lies to my family were more of the omission type (didn't tell them what was going on, they found out the hard way), it still affected them, greatly.
My stepmom, who likes her pills, will tell me "I haven't taken anything" when I KNOW she has...never try to fool an addict. It infuriates me.
You admit to lying, even when your gf knows. My XABF did that, too, and I eventually realized there was no way I would trust him, even if he got clean.
There are still some triggers with my family, even 4-1/2+ years into my recovery. I accept these, as I'm the one that caused them. I am planning on going back to the town I used in, the town where all my d-boys live, but am going to visit dear friends that I had BEFORE I used. I will call, let the family know I got there, they know these friends and are more than welcome to talk to them.
Do I still feel like a teenager, having to make myself accountable? Yep, but these are the consequences I brought on myself and being accountable is a pretty big deal to me, these days.
The more you lie, the more they have every reason to not trust you. I used to say, about my XABF#3, "if he's breathing, he's lying". I hope you don't get to that point with the people who care about you.
On a good note, I've gone from a die-hard crackhead, to someone who has access to my dad's bank accounts, PIN numbers, and other things. This didn't come easy, but I just went grocery shopping with dad's card, came home, handed him his card and receipt. I've done this for years, therefore he has no reason to doubt me or not trust me.
As (((Dee))) said, I've talked the talk for a long time, but it's when I actually began walking the walk that I regained trust.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My stepmom, who likes her pills, will tell me "I haven't taken anything" when I KNOW she has...never try to fool an addict. It infuriates me.
You admit to lying, even when your gf knows. My XABF did that, too, and I eventually realized there was no way I would trust him, even if he got clean.
There are still some triggers with my family, even 4-1/2+ years into my recovery. I accept these, as I'm the one that caused them. I am planning on going back to the town I used in, the town where all my d-boys live, but am going to visit dear friends that I had BEFORE I used. I will call, let the family know I got there, they know these friends and are more than welcome to talk to them.
Do I still feel like a teenager, having to make myself accountable? Yep, but these are the consequences I brought on myself and being accountable is a pretty big deal to me, these days.
The more you lie, the more they have every reason to not trust you. I used to say, about my XABF#3, "if he's breathing, he's lying". I hope you don't get to that point with the people who care about you.
On a good note, I've gone from a die-hard crackhead, to someone who has access to my dad's bank accounts, PIN numbers, and other things. This didn't come easy, but I just went grocery shopping with dad's card, came home, handed him his card and receipt. I've done this for years, therefore he has no reason to doubt me or not trust me.
As (((Dee))) said, I've talked the talk for a long time, but it's when I actually began walking the walk that I regained trust.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 87
Oh my what we all have in common! That is the same dance I dance when I drink. Even when the wine bottle is almost empty and the night before it was almost full " i didnt drink it i promise" we lie and that is all there is to it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Our actions speak so much louder that the oaths of "I promise I"ll never do it again."
Going through it with my wife right now. Like so many have said, we have to back up our words with action, not just the hope that we will just somehow get better. It takes hard work and lots of action.
Going through it with my wife right now. Like so many have said, we have to back up our words with action, not just the hope that we will just somehow get better. It takes hard work and lots of action.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Put yourself in their shoes - it takes time to rebuild trust, they're not going to believe it within a couple of days. I don't mean to be flippant, don't have the time to make a long post, but if you work on your own recovery and focus on that you'll get there, you get sober for yourself and not to impress others.
- Motivated -
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Framingham, MA
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
never try to fool an addict. It infuriates me.
Of course, I've done that to my family so I really shouldn't judge.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Seared,
I think their hearts may be in the right place (well, maybe a little vindictive, but whatever). They probably erroneously think that if they shame you enough it will keep you sober. How wrong they are. If that worked, most of us would be sober. I was ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, etc. and kept drinking. The desire comes from within, but what they don't understand is anger and discouraging words from those you love do more to make us drink than anything else, in most cases. Tune them out, if that is possible. Stay away from them, if possible. Maybe tell them that they are making your battle much harder, if that is possible, than it already is. Not drinking is going to be the only way to shut them up, I am afraid. Time/action will work to regain their confidence....if you quit drinking. They probably mean well, but they are certainly aren't helping. Stay away from them, or tell them you don't want to hear another word about it. I am sorry you are dealing with this - it is abuse.
I think their hearts may be in the right place (well, maybe a little vindictive, but whatever). They probably erroneously think that if they shame you enough it will keep you sober. How wrong they are. If that worked, most of us would be sober. I was ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, etc. and kept drinking. The desire comes from within, but what they don't understand is anger and discouraging words from those you love do more to make us drink than anything else, in most cases. Tune them out, if that is possible. Stay away from them, if possible. Maybe tell them that they are making your battle much harder, if that is possible, than it already is. Not drinking is going to be the only way to shut them up, I am afraid. Time/action will work to regain their confidence....if you quit drinking. They probably mean well, but they are certainly aren't helping. Stay away from them, or tell them you don't want to hear another word about it. I am sorry you are dealing with this - it is abuse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by Terminally Unique
Seared, are you going to drink again in this lifetime, or are you not?
If your gf or family were to ask you that question, would you be able to answer it? The reason I mention this is that if you don't know the answer to that question, then you can't possibly expect anyone else to, either.
Something to ponder.
If your gf or family were to ask you that question, would you be able to answer it? The reason I mention this is that if you don't know the answer to that question, then you can't possibly expect anyone else to, either.
Something to ponder.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by Dee74
Maybe it is actually that simple, seared, and you're making it more complicated?
D
D
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