chronsweet

Apparently I am a horrible and trying to be cunning and sly because I told my ABF that I do not like the way his mom treats me, and I don't really want to plan my sons bday party with her involved after the latest barage of communication I received from her. I am going to post a convo and PLEASE i would like some advice on if I was out of line or not in blocking her from texting and calling me.

I had texted her early in the day to determine if I should get my ABF's brother a gift card. This is the exchange that happened after that.

K = ABF mom M=ABF and I=my son

K: Yes Starbucks or a Kcup 4 at home. Can I call u at 3 ur time please? I want 2 discuss Xmas stuff, thnx!

Me: I am wrkn at 3 … pretty busy today. what kind of xmas stuff u gotta discuss maam?

K: Name drawing, day we can all get 2gether b4 Christmas. I was thinking of cookn 4 u guys at mikes on sat 17th. I haven’t talked 2 u in 2 weeks, what if I call u @ 6pm yr time?

Me: after the labor day incidence i don’t feel comfortable making definitive plans ..
Sidenote: We made plans and we actually extended the time to later in the day for her. It was RAINING outside at the beach and so we were trying to accommodate HER plans (once again). I also went out and bought ALL the food for her plans.

K: That is y i want to actually talk 2 u! After know u 4 four years and u Never asking about how I feel after having major knee surgery & Not talking 2 me for a few weeks that is your kind of response(the day of her surgery I did call and DID NOT know she had had it. She answered the phone whining and so I asked what was wrong. We talked FIRST about her which I had NO problem with. I also told my ABF .. her son .. to call her because she just had her surgery..but alas .. i SUCK? First of all, if u would have had surgery, i would have sent u a card & flowers & called! I do that 4 Jims mom, he doesn’t. M & M (her 2 sons) at least called & asked how I was & mike got me a present. I am only going 2 b in Ca 4 three days in december & I want to make sure that I see Izaiah 2 give him his presents.(I have never NOT let her see her ONLY grandson, not one time and I actually usually drop him off for HER He is my only grandchild, prob the only 1 I will ever have. I am didn’t even get to attend the picnic that I planned on Labor Day. I def don’t want a repeat of that either!!! I def. can be upset about that 2; but I am trying to 2 b zen now so I am over it. This way Me I want2. It hurts my feelings, so hopefully we can clear the air at 6pm yr time. Do you know when Tom is coming out?

Me: I tlkd to u the day of ur surgery .. remember? have a good day K.

K: No, u called to talk about I being upset after being at the babysitters, and I was concerned about him and u asked 4 my advice & then I mentioned I just had surgery. U did not call 2 c how I was, it just came up in the conversation. I will just talk 2 M. U have a good day 2.

Me: I am not going to argue w/ u. I tlkd to u the day of ur surgery .. didn’t even knw u had it .. whn I found out we def tlkd about ur surgery first. I repeat … i am not arguing. I am srry if u cant accept the answr i gave u. have a good day k.

K: I can accept it. I just really hope U read the book i got u cuz it helps u know yourself & understand empathy 4 yrself & others. I have people that are not as close 2 me that have shown much more concern and I am trying 2 show u compassion. Which I did when yr bro was accusing u of losing his keys, etc. I do not know y u won’t talk 2 me instead of text bc texts can be misconstrued.
I should have empathy for her alcoholic son???? I should have empathy because I didn't for 3.5 years while I supported him and then GOT HIM A JOB??? I should have empathy for someone who calls me a wh)re, evil, etc etc etc???? Where the HECK is my empathy .. sigh .. i digress

Me: Pls quit txtn me

K: U texted me first so please quit texting me!

Me: Pls quit txt me

K: I do NOT want 2 text. I wanted 2 talk but u won’t. NO more texting from my end!

Please some advice. This woman is my BEST friend when I just go along with the status quo. When I bring up ABF's drinking and the problems it causes or try to let her know that I don't feel like I should be at her beck and call because she visits 10 times a year for varying lengths of time (up to 2 weeks), she FLIPS OUT!

Blah.

skippernlilg

Well. Hmmmmm.

That was not a stellar conversation on any level. I think the texting part was where it escalated. I have trouble texting with my 1987 phone, and when a conversation requires more information, I usually ask for a phone call, too. (Like she did). You let her know when you were not available, but maybe letting her know when you are available would clear some air.

Or maybe you weren't ready to be available for that conversation for awhile, which has happened to me before, too. I do think she lashed out at you about the surgery topic when it was pointed out that she was crossing one of your boundaries. That looks like an entirely bad misunderstanding (for someone who was your best friend.).

Do you think her intentions for discussing Christmas are somehow manipulative? Or do you think her timing was 'off' and you needed more time to process the situation in your head?

She did the right thing for offering a book to you to read and the wrong thing for trying to manage your feelings and progress.

So, your original question....

Were you wrong? I don't know. No one can tell you what's right or wrong for you. Stepping back and thinking about what end result you really want for your family might help you decide.

chronsweet

Skip,

Okay the backstory is that she has done a lot of out of line things with me. She has threatened to take my child from me because I don't accept ABF drinking all the time. She too drinks all the time. She lies as indicated in my txt convo and twists things to her favor. For instance, no, I did not remember the specific day of her surgery. The day I called her she was crying when she answered the phone and I inquired first how she was doing.

I have tried telling her about a hundred different times that I don't like to feel pressured to talk at specific times. She always ask questions and demands you answer them how she wants or else, backlash. I am just tired of it. I know why she wants to make plans for xmas, because she wants ME to meet her other son's g/f for some reason. I feel like its pretentious and weird for her to push this meeting. I KNOW she talks bad about me behind my back, I have seen it w/ my own eyes ... LOL. She just pretends to like me. She txtd me for about SIX hours straight while I was in pre-labor in intense pain because I was upset her son was too drunk to go to the hospital w/ me. She's called me a b1tch on several occassions. She CONTROLS everything and lies and manipulates. I just finally had enough I guess. I don't like talking to her. I have never had a relationship like this w/ anyone before to this extent. I have always been able to ignore ppl who are dramatic and loud and controlling.

I USED to like her before I realized how her son really is. At first, we all partied and had a good time, her included. I made some really bad decisions and basically returned to my responsible self once I became pregnant. When her son was addicted to pills/other bad opiates, she enlisted me to save him. My last relationship of 13 years was pretty freaking normal. SO, I got sucked in. When I got pregnant I got sober and went back to pretty freaking normal. LOL. I think our rift is because I don't think it is good that my ABF continues to drink and rapidly is deteriorating mentally. (He pee'd the bed last night .. the new one too boot). It is offensive to her that I consider him an A because she, though higher functioning, def has a problem w/ a too in my opinion. I think she feels safe son is off pills/opiates and JUST drinks beer (and drinks the hard stuff now at least 3-4 times a week, he was out driving w/ flask on him just this afternoon) ... SOOOO she has been treating me like garbage lately in fear that I will 'take' her grandchild from her if I leave. I have seriously not once ever even mentioned not letting her see him, in fact, I usually drive him over, etc and accommodate any time, literally every single time she wants to see him. I have even said, just because I don't want to live w/ an A means in no way I want to take son away from any of you, including ABF. I just say that in order for him to have my son 1/2 the time that he will have to have sobriety under his belt .. I think she knows that won't happen for either HER or HIM and so therefore, feels threatened. She Abandoned my ABF from the time he was 18 mos. until he was 13-14 ...

End result: I want to be away from both the A's in my life who cause me turmoil ... my ABF and his mom ..

chronsweet

I have also told her, nicely, how I don't like to make plans

especially because she consistently changes them ..

example, last christmas, i made a home made lasagna .. took like 3 hours to just get into the pan .. she called last minute to say that she was changing the time to accommodate a relative who lives in her state who she just found out was in town (they can see each other in their own home state) to drive like almost an hour back/forth to go see xmas lights and wanted to bring my son! on christmas! and her other son, who is nice enough and really mellow, was supposed to come and he canceled on me too. so these people never follow thru w/ their own plans and i am sick of it!

suki44883

Stop responding to her texts. You both escalate the problem. Can you set your phone to a certain ringtone so you'll know when it's her calling/texting? You an choose not to engage her, which I think would be the best thing at this point.

chronsweet

i have her number blocked so she can't text me?

can i ask, how you believe i escalated the problem? some insight would be nice ...

akrasia

You have every right not to engage with her. I think you'll feel much more peaceful. Wish her a nice Christmas and make plans of your own.

suki44883

I'm not trying to be critical, but continuing the back and forth just escalates the problem, in my opinion. Good to hear you have blocked her number. Hope you have a peaceful and very merry Christmas.

chronsweet

I re-read my first post .. where I said this woman is my BEST friend, i didn't mean that literally from my end. I meant she is very fickle .. and she likes you as long as you work your schedule around her plans and change them at any given moment depending on her mood while she is on vacation. She flies for free and seriously visits on average of once a month, so its not like she is just in town once a year. She has called out her other son's g/f's of the past and caused major problems between them. Her other son who is pretty normal also said he has tried to explain to her that people have lives outside of her vacation schedule (10-12x a year).

I have dealt with this kind of stuff for over 3 years now. I have tried very nicely to explain how she makes me feel and she agrees and just continues doing it. She DRINKS all the time, LOL, and lies and manipulates.

I guess I can see how I have some part to play as I ALLOW it in my life. But, when I try to tell my ABF that I don't want to be around for these functions and don't mind at all if I drop him and our son off to enjoy, nobody wants to accept it! I plan to just leave my ABF in May because he isn't going to quit drinking. I know this. And I don't want to be around her because she is an enabling manipulator who lies and drinks as well. SO, like, what the heck am I supposed to do in the meantime, just go to functions and act like I am happy about the situation?

chronsweet

At first, I didn't feel like I engaged her but maybe after thinking about it deeply, i expected that she shouldn't have taken it so bad. I was just trying to tell her that I didn't want to make definitive plans .. i didn't even say i wasn't going .. just not definitively ... she went on a tirade, in my opinion.

Anyhow, as always, i appreciate the feedback. i can see how i should maybe not even replied at all because i was trying to get her to understand how her behavior had affected and does effect me. BUT alas, I am not in control of the situation and I can't make anyone understand me, just as they can't me .. SO, yes, I will try to work on letting go of the convo and to make certain that ABF knows that his mom and he can spend time together on the date she is planning and wish them all well, and let them take it from there ...

It is so hard to let go of the bitterness in dealing with people who are A's .. i have a lot of anger that I am not validated, you know .. and I guess in some way I hold it against ABF's mom from not understanding my point of view

THANKS !!!!!!!!!!

suki44883

Well, if you are planning to leave the relationship anyway, I don't see why you need to pretend you enjoy being around her. You don't have to attend functions where she will be present if you don't want to. You have the right to make decisions that you feel are in the best interest of yourself and your son. If they have trouble accepting that, well, that's just too bad. They don't have to accept it. They cannot force you to do something you do not want to do.

chronsweet

Thanks Suki. She really does try to push me to stay with him. She acts like everything is hunky dory and that is also why I don't like to be around to *pretend* and then she makes me feel like I am awful and horrible for not wanting to stay together for her grandchild's sake. SO on one hand she thinks I am good enough to stay with her son to keep the three of us together and on the other hand her son could do better and I am not any good and no fun, etc. I feel a lot of tension from the times that have built up from her calling me names (I have NEVER called her a name, I have told her when she is hurting my feelings) and then she apologizes just to turn it around and do it again. She called my mom ugly inside/out, called her a b*tch and told her she was uneducated and no good on Labor Day and when my mom responded back (which is neither right/wrong) ABF's mom excused her OWN words and behavior to say my moms was worse. And YES, she was drinking. LOL. So you see, I am dealing with two drunks who are constantly pressuring me to just stay, stay, stay but telling me how miserable I and my family are. LOL. SO, yes, the initial reply on my part was a little curt, but I have asked multiple times to not be involved in any decisions regarding any plans.

I think no contact is the best contact. Sometimes, people just agree to not agree. I have to choose the higher ground and just state my boundaries without even stating them aloud and verbally and just try to be polite when/if I have to communicate with her.

Tuffgirl

She is manipulating and guilt-tripping you, and you bought into it at first. Once you take the bait, you are hooked. She's a crazy-maker; stop letting her hook you.

P.S. Crazy-makers are good. Real good. It takes a while to see that big metal hook being flung into your face. I do applaud you for ending the conversation as quickly as you could. It took me a long time to quit feeling like that hook was still hanging from my bottom lip.

chronsweet

tuffgirl thanks,

i am going just crazy living in an alcoholic home anymore. i don't realistically think i can make it until may as planned. I am constantly on edge and just don't even know how to maintain a level head. my abf constantly berates me and i know i should ignore it ,, just can't sometimes. his mom just adds to my misery and i KNOW it is self-inflicted on my part. I am just at a low right now, and i just want the eff out of this dilemma. i am going to go to al-anon tomorrow if it kills me .. i am going to start seeking some strength from outside because i have to get away from the 'hooks' of ALL these crazy freaking A's. it is INSANE how INSANE i have become, i am NOT this person, and yet i am.

tjp613

OMG -- she sounds so much like my ex-mother-in-law! There was no way to make that woman happy although I wore myself out trying! Don't do like I did, just draw your healthy boundaries and stick to 'em. My mother taught me a good lesson about people like that and I'll never forget it....she said, "Don't ever take that low road with her! You keep your head high, be courteous and respectful at all times. THAT is class!" And you can do all those things while keeping strong boundaries. Tuffgirl is right -- she is a classic crazy-maker. If you don't want to be involved in the xmas stuff, you certainly have that right and you can find a way to say it without being disrespectful or bringing up past resentments. Just keep taking the high road!

akrasia

You say that you've explained to her that she hurts you.

She doesn't care. She means to hurt you. She's not your friend. She's not on your side.

Make some other plans for Christmas, no more texts. You'll feel much better!

Pelican

Take your power back!

This latest interaction between you, was initiated by you, right?
You texted to ask if you should get ABF's brother a gift card.

Is this the same brother that calls you names and disrepects you? Is this the same brother of an alcoholic that you are planning to leave? Is this a gift from you and ABF for HIS brother?

If you are planning to end this relationship, why are you buying the extended family gifts?

The ABF mom wants you to get together and draw names for gift giving, right? She also wants you to met the gf of the brother, right?

Say: "No"
or
try saying: "No, I will not be participating this year." Period. End of conversation. No explanation needed (Not that they would listen or understand anything you say anyway)

This whole dynamic appears exhausting from my side of the screen. You are speaking different languages. They are quacking, quacking, quacking. And when you try to speak up - they hear blah, blah, blah, blah.

I am suggesting you take a step back and look at how enmeshed your life has become into their lives. Start detaching today, one step at a time. You will feel your power coming back, I promise!

Good on you for planning to get face-to-face support through Al-anon.

skippernlilg

Obviously, I'd missed some of the story in the last few weeks. Ok, I think Pelican has some very good ideas for you.

I remember making "the next right choice". One at a time. You can do this.

Tuffgirl

I figured I sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher in the old TV shows - wah wah wah wah wah.

Or his Mother. Neither suited me well.

There's a great book I read some months ago called "Dealing with the Crazy-Makers in Your Life" or something similar. I'll see if I can dig up the correct title and pass it along.

Hang in there!
~T