HELP! I hate my girlfriend right now...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: toronto, on
Posts: 59
HELP! I hate my girlfriend right now...
hi everyone,
it's been a long time since i've been around here... i've been sober since june 15th 2011. not a drop of booze since then (booze being my nemesis). meanwhile, my girlfriend of almost 4 years now is still drinking. she doesn't drink too frequently but on wednesday night she went out with a friend who is renowned for drinking too much and the "fancy" craft beers that have higher alcohol content.
to make a long story short, i had been texting my GF that night (weds) and hadn't heard back from her since after 8. i was worried about her (as i usually am when she's out with this friend) but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, figured she's a grown woman, a responsible adult, she'll make it home safe... plus i needed to get to sleep as i'd worked late that day (weds) and had just started my first week of doing TWO FULL TIME JOBS for the next two weeks (i work in the non-profit - nuff said).
so, weds night i manage to finally drift off after still not hearing a peep back from GF and then in the middle of the night (or what feels like the middle of the night, turns out it was 12:15 am) i'm woken by sobbing.
i dash out of bed into my GF's room (fortunately we have separate bedrooms) only to find her lying face down on her floor, with her coat, boots and scarf on, crying her guts out and saying repeatedly: "i'm sick... i'm sick... something's not right..."
i moved her onto her back and tried to get her up on her feet but she was a dead weight and she asked for her medication and water... i went and got her those things. i also threw in a bucket and paper towel for good measure. i stood over her and told her i couldn't leave her lying on the floor but she said she was ok, that she'd get up in 'a bit' and "thank you very much for bringing me water, etc..." she told me to go back to bed noting it was late and i had to work... she did keep repeating, "i'm sick..." and "something's not right" but there was no evidence of her being sick and the only thing i could see that was "not right" was her level of intoxication, which seemed extreme. earlier, when i pulled off her boots, scarf and coat, she slurred about the fact that she was sick at the subway station and she felt so bad about all the vomit some poor joe would have to clean up and that "an angel" helped her into a taxi and most importantly, that she "ONLY HAD 3 PINTS" and that the first pint she drank was "bad" (i.e. had gone bad, skunky - and btw, i'm very familiar with this "the beer must've been bad" excuse when trying to take responsibility away from ones extreme drunkenness...). so basically she was focussing on the fact that she's SICK. as if it were something out of her control, smthing she had nothing to do with. it was the skunky beer she drank. ya, that's it.
so, at her bidding, i go back to my room to try and get back to sleep before i have to get up at 6 am for work (note: GF doesn't work right now. she hasn't worked in 8 months or so). 45 minutes later i'm woken by loud banging and enraged sobbing. i rush back into her room to find her throwing the bucket against her closet. she's yelling at me: "how could you leave me lying on the floor!!! i would never do that to you!!!" and again, "something's not right! I'm sick! so sick!" so i pick her up (i'm actually furious so my strength increased multifold) put her on her bed and start taking off her clothes to help put her to bed... while i'm doing so i ask her if it's so bad that she thinks she might need to go to the hospital?? she slurs at me "if you can only ever think of the hospital when i'm sick then i might as well be alone... i might as well give my two months notice right now... i was left alone on the floor... i might as well live on my own..."
so, i stay with her, sitting with her on her bed while i try feeding her water and try to get one of her meds into her (she's on blood pressure meds, and anti depressants ... needless to say she shouldn't be drinking at all).
i ask her if she'd really like to give notice now or wait until tomorrow (i felt like giving my own two months notice, frankly). she then spoke to me in a little girl's voice and it really, REALLY, REALLY creeped me out... she was saying "I would never weave woo on da fwoor (childspeak for 'i would never leave you on the floor...')
i finally went to bed at 2 am but was so disturbed by the whole thing that i wasn't asleep until at least 3. the next day at work i was so exhausted and she knows that i'm juggling 2 full time jobs right now and that i'm under a lot of pressure...
it's now saturday and we still haven't really talked about the incident. i can't bring myself to talk to her about it because i feel too emotional about it. i honestly feel like i'll break up with her on the spot if we talk about it.
and it's very clear to me that she has no clue whatsoever as to how this impacted me... last night she said to me "ya know what's really bothering me?? i feel so bad about the person who had to clean up my vomit at the subway station. do you think i should go there and try and pay someone 50 dollars as a token of thanks??"
and y'day she asks me: "so, how come you haven't said anything about how you're glad i'm okay... (implying that she could've died from drinking that "bad" beer)??"
to which i replied: "actually, i was worried about you on wednesday night. when i hadn't heard anything from you since just after 8 pm and i'd sent you around 4-5 texts, i was concerned ... but i figured you would be okay... and of course i'm glad you're okay."
basically, i feel disgusted by her right now. i don't want to touch her, or even look at her. i don't know how to talk with her about this. i know that she's just going to get defensive and get on her "but i was SICK! SICK, i tell you!" soap box and that kinda denial ain't cutting it.
any thoughts/ideas around how to approach this? i honestly feel like packing my bags but unfortunately it ain't that simple (ah, to be rich...)
help - please!?!?
pancakes
it's been a long time since i've been around here... i've been sober since june 15th 2011. not a drop of booze since then (booze being my nemesis). meanwhile, my girlfriend of almost 4 years now is still drinking. she doesn't drink too frequently but on wednesday night she went out with a friend who is renowned for drinking too much and the "fancy" craft beers that have higher alcohol content.
to make a long story short, i had been texting my GF that night (weds) and hadn't heard back from her since after 8. i was worried about her (as i usually am when she's out with this friend) but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, figured she's a grown woman, a responsible adult, she'll make it home safe... plus i needed to get to sleep as i'd worked late that day (weds) and had just started my first week of doing TWO FULL TIME JOBS for the next two weeks (i work in the non-profit - nuff said).
so, weds night i manage to finally drift off after still not hearing a peep back from GF and then in the middle of the night (or what feels like the middle of the night, turns out it was 12:15 am) i'm woken by sobbing.
i dash out of bed into my GF's room (fortunately we have separate bedrooms) only to find her lying face down on her floor, with her coat, boots and scarf on, crying her guts out and saying repeatedly: "i'm sick... i'm sick... something's not right..."
i moved her onto her back and tried to get her up on her feet but she was a dead weight and she asked for her medication and water... i went and got her those things. i also threw in a bucket and paper towel for good measure. i stood over her and told her i couldn't leave her lying on the floor but she said she was ok, that she'd get up in 'a bit' and "thank you very much for bringing me water, etc..." she told me to go back to bed noting it was late and i had to work... she did keep repeating, "i'm sick..." and "something's not right" but there was no evidence of her being sick and the only thing i could see that was "not right" was her level of intoxication, which seemed extreme. earlier, when i pulled off her boots, scarf and coat, she slurred about the fact that she was sick at the subway station and she felt so bad about all the vomit some poor joe would have to clean up and that "an angel" helped her into a taxi and most importantly, that she "ONLY HAD 3 PINTS" and that the first pint she drank was "bad" (i.e. had gone bad, skunky - and btw, i'm very familiar with this "the beer must've been bad" excuse when trying to take responsibility away from ones extreme drunkenness...). so basically she was focussing on the fact that she's SICK. as if it were something out of her control, smthing she had nothing to do with. it was the skunky beer she drank. ya, that's it.
so, at her bidding, i go back to my room to try and get back to sleep before i have to get up at 6 am for work (note: GF doesn't work right now. she hasn't worked in 8 months or so). 45 minutes later i'm woken by loud banging and enraged sobbing. i rush back into her room to find her throwing the bucket against her closet. she's yelling at me: "how could you leave me lying on the floor!!! i would never do that to you!!!" and again, "something's not right! I'm sick! so sick!" so i pick her up (i'm actually furious so my strength increased multifold) put her on her bed and start taking off her clothes to help put her to bed... while i'm doing so i ask her if it's so bad that she thinks she might need to go to the hospital?? she slurs at me "if you can only ever think of the hospital when i'm sick then i might as well be alone... i might as well give my two months notice right now... i was left alone on the floor... i might as well live on my own..."
so, i stay with her, sitting with her on her bed while i try feeding her water and try to get one of her meds into her (she's on blood pressure meds, and anti depressants ... needless to say she shouldn't be drinking at all).
i ask her if she'd really like to give notice now or wait until tomorrow (i felt like giving my own two months notice, frankly). she then spoke to me in a little girl's voice and it really, REALLY, REALLY creeped me out... she was saying "I would never weave woo on da fwoor (childspeak for 'i would never leave you on the floor...')
i finally went to bed at 2 am but was so disturbed by the whole thing that i wasn't asleep until at least 3. the next day at work i was so exhausted and she knows that i'm juggling 2 full time jobs right now and that i'm under a lot of pressure...
it's now saturday and we still haven't really talked about the incident. i can't bring myself to talk to her about it because i feel too emotional about it. i honestly feel like i'll break up with her on the spot if we talk about it.
and it's very clear to me that she has no clue whatsoever as to how this impacted me... last night she said to me "ya know what's really bothering me?? i feel so bad about the person who had to clean up my vomit at the subway station. do you think i should go there and try and pay someone 50 dollars as a token of thanks??"
and y'day she asks me: "so, how come you haven't said anything about how you're glad i'm okay... (implying that she could've died from drinking that "bad" beer)??"
to which i replied: "actually, i was worried about you on wednesday night. when i hadn't heard anything from you since just after 8 pm and i'd sent you around 4-5 texts, i was concerned ... but i figured you would be okay... and of course i'm glad you're okay."
basically, i feel disgusted by her right now. i don't want to touch her, or even look at her. i don't know how to talk with her about this. i know that she's just going to get defensive and get on her "but i was SICK! SICK, i tell you!" soap box and that kinda denial ain't cutting it.
any thoughts/ideas around how to approach this? i honestly feel like packing my bags but unfortunately it ain't that simple (ah, to be rich...)
help - please!?!?
pancakes
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
First off Congrats on your sobriety, that is excellent work!
If it was me I would write her a letter, write, leave overnight, refine, leave overnight, etc. until you have it excatly like you want it. Leave it for her to read and process on her own terms.
Honestly I don't know how you do it, I don't think I could function will someone who drinks that much while I was in recovery, I have enough trouble staying out of my kids cookies as I do weight watchers.
Are you going to AA or Al-anon, are you in therapy, couples counseling? Does she not grasp at all how her drinking affects your recovery, can she be as thick headed as an A&W Root Beer?
I quit drinking in college, I had issues with weekend binge drinking, man it was hard to be around people who were fallimg down drunk, my girlfirend included, finally I just drifted away from it all.
I really don't have answers, but I will be here if you need to vent, need a shoulder, or just want to chat, you are not alone!
Please take care, and best of luck to you.
Bill
If it was me I would write her a letter, write, leave overnight, refine, leave overnight, etc. until you have it excatly like you want it. Leave it for her to read and process on her own terms.
Honestly I don't know how you do it, I don't think I could function will someone who drinks that much while I was in recovery, I have enough trouble staying out of my kids cookies as I do weight watchers.
Are you going to AA or Al-anon, are you in therapy, couples counseling? Does she not grasp at all how her drinking affects your recovery, can she be as thick headed as an A&W Root Beer?
I quit drinking in college, I had issues with weekend binge drinking, man it was hard to be around people who were fallimg down drunk, my girlfirend included, finally I just drifted away from it all.
I really don't have answers, but I will be here if you need to vent, need a shoulder, or just want to chat, you are not alone!
Please take care, and best of luck to you.
Bill
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Wow. First of all, good work on your recovery!
Secondly, I am also on BP meds and one anti-depressant and one anti-anxiety for a congenital heart disease. If I had three pints, I would probably be *that* sick!
Honestly, when my docs prescribed these meds to me, the meds themselves have tiny print warnings, but I did have maybe a half glass of perfectly ok wine and I was violently ill once. I won't do it again.
I don't know if she's an alcoholic, but I do know her actions were irresponsible. I don't know why you hate her, though. Maybe there's a history here that I'm not aware of?
Secondly, I am also on BP meds and one anti-depressant and one anti-anxiety for a congenital heart disease. If I had three pints, I would probably be *that* sick!
Honestly, when my docs prescribed these meds to me, the meds themselves have tiny print warnings, but I did have maybe a half glass of perfectly ok wine and I was violently ill once. I won't do it again.
I don't know if she's an alcoholic, but I do know her actions were irresponsible. I don't know why you hate her, though. Maybe there's a history here that I'm not aware of?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm very, very happy you are sober. I'm also a recovering alcoholic (20 years) and can pretty much figure out what an active alcoholic is saying and doing. The same things I did when I drank. Of course lying was a big part of it. I leaned on my enabler to take care of me so I didn't have to be responsible for my life. I also took advantage of his co-dependency. I think every day I said I wasn't going to drink again but that wasn't true.... not until I came within a hair's breath of dying.
The MOST important think is taking care of your sobriety. It's the only thing you have any power over (at least today). Taking care of an active alcoholic is putting your own recovery in jeopardy I think.
The MOST important think is taking care of your sobriety. It's the only thing you have any power over (at least today). Taking care of an active alcoholic is putting your own recovery in jeopardy I think.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 69
I would get out of this relationship as fast as humanly possible. I like Bill's idea of writing a letter, and then just leaving. Actually, I wouldn't even write a letter. The way I see it, she is disrespectful to you, manipulative, and untrustworthy. You have NO obligation to go through any sort of "formal break-up". The sooner you leave this mess, the sooner you can move on and meet someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
All I can say is "been there"! It is crazy. You just sit there sometimes wondering how you entered the twilight zone. My experience is that these episodes repeat themselves over and over and over...
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
hey there....i agree with the advice to get out. this female sounds so very very selfish to me. all i can hear is me,me,me thru her actions. i really have a hard time seeing any kind of affection or even respect toward you or your feelings. she may or may not have a problem with alcohol....but, i can truthfully say that she has a problem with love and compassion. get out...save yourself...good luck...mags
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to this side of recovery!
Congrats on your personal sobriety. I understand what an accomplishment that is in the face of active drinking.
Have you considered attending Alanon meetings? They will help you with detachment from her actions, and give you tools to help you in your recovery.
I have two suggestions that helped me on my recovery as a caretaker of an alcoholic loved one. I read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It helped me define my responsibilities in relationships and understand where the other adult's responsibilities lie. (gently referred to as staying in your own hoola hoop)
Also, this link is to an older post and contains practical steps that helped me in my day to day living with active alcoholism. I followed them closely:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Congrats on your personal sobriety. I understand what an accomplishment that is in the face of active drinking.
Have you considered attending Alanon meetings? They will help you with detachment from her actions, and give you tools to help you in your recovery.
I have two suggestions that helped me on my recovery as a caretaker of an alcoholic loved one. I read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It helped me define my responsibilities in relationships and understand where the other adult's responsibilities lie. (gently referred to as staying in your own hoola hoop)
Also, this link is to an older post and contains practical steps that helped me in my day to day living with active alcoholism. I followed them closely:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My view (well new view not how I actually conducted myself once upon a time) is that dating is to learn about the other person. To take what we learn and decide if we want more of it. If I like everything I know about them I will keep dating until I decide that the entire package is so wonderful I want to keep it in my life every day, forever, or until I learn enough to decide that we are not forever and ever. If I don't like it I MOVE ON. If I hate it, I definately move on.
In my mind dating is simply a commitment to not date other people. Dating is not a commitment for the future. I don't have to hang in there. I don't have to settle. I don't have to accept the unacceptable and if I hate something about someone - that is unacceptable.
I've also learned that it is really really unfair to the other person to stay in a relationship when I should not. It lacks integrity and honesty and creates enormous pain for both of us in the long run. I regret deeply staying in a dating relationship, and then marrying, someone that I had so many reservations about. It was the most dishonest thing I've ever done. I wasn't mean intentionally but it sure turned out that way and just like I don't care why xah did all the hurtful things he did to me - I don't think he cares why I hurt him. He's hurt and I did it. Period. I stole the chance for him to find a relationship that was honest. I should have let him go - way way way back - when I hated the things he did.
In my mind dating is simply a commitment to not date other people. Dating is not a commitment for the future. I don't have to hang in there. I don't have to settle. I don't have to accept the unacceptable and if I hate something about someone - that is unacceptable.
I've also learned that it is really really unfair to the other person to stay in a relationship when I should not. It lacks integrity and honesty and creates enormous pain for both of us in the long run. I regret deeply staying in a dating relationship, and then marrying, someone that I had so many reservations about. It was the most dishonest thing I've ever done. I wasn't mean intentionally but it sure turned out that way and just like I don't care why xah did all the hurtful things he did to me - I don't think he cares why I hurt him. He's hurt and I did it. Period. I stole the chance for him to find a relationship that was honest. I should have let him go - way way way back - when I hated the things he did.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Dude. Alanon. AA is to help you deal with your alcoholism. Alanon is to help you deal with people. Based on your posts that I've read, Alanon will be very helpful for you.
My two cents says go to Alanon regularly and your life will get better. Don't go and your life will continue to be like it is today.
Take care,
Cyranoak
My two cents says go to Alanon regularly and your life will get better. Don't go and your life will continue to be like it is today.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Thumper 
I stole the chance for him to find a relationship that was honest.
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