Advice/What do you see/think?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 6
Advice/What do you see/think?
There's SO much I wish I could write about, but I will try to sum it all up..in facts.
My husband ("DH" from here on out):
1)Grew up in extremely bad conditions. Split parents, both drug addicts/alcoholics to the max, abusive, etc. (his dad smoked a joint with him when he was 12 and got him drunk at 15, he also has pulled a gun on DH a few times and his mom is still an alcoholic and pothead)
2)Cleaned up his life by joining the military. Unfortunately he was deployed 4 times to Iraq during the OIF 1. He will admit he has some PTSD, but claims he is just meant to be in the military because he doesn't "run" from the enemy or get scared.
3)Left a child behind when he joined. He has not tried to really repair much of a relationsip, yet states he cannot let his child grow up like he did. That child's mom just got out of prison for drugs.
DH drinks daily or 5 days a week minimum. He drinks hard liquor (usually a mixed drink, sometimes straight out of the bottle). but he says he doesn't have a problem because he doesn't get drunk or have problems with missing work. It's true he doesn't get drunk or even buzzed really. 95% of the time he has 2-3 drinks. It's always when he gets off work, never during work or in the morning. IT's never affected us financially. BUT his drinking DOES affect him. He changes. His personality becomes aggressive (physically, verbally, and sexually). Verbally meaning he gets VERY sarcastic. He also will wrestle around with our kids more rough then usual. There are those times where he does drink a lot and he's embarassing, annoying, irritating, and just shows his ass. NOT a good example for our kids. When we first met we both drank and had a good time, but after we got married, I decreased a lot, and then now with 2 very young children fulltime, I don't drink at all. I am convinced he is an alcoholic on a functional level, however he is in SUCH denial. He won't even consider my feelings at all. He drinks to fall asleep, or his back hurts ,etc. I see him hit the bottle because he's emotionally overloaded. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm scared that our marriage is doomed. I'm not in a position to say it's the drinking or us, but I'm working on it. Not sure that would even work. He's EXTREMELY stubborn. and he really is a great man, good father when he doesn't drink. WE are supposed to get my stepchild full time next school year, but I don't want to bring him into the drinking. Thank you SO much for reading this!!! Oh! As it stands now, I'm really the only one with the issue of his drinking, but my mom has noticed as well as our friends, that he can be a jerk. Oh and when I ask him to PLEASE not drink just tonight, he tells me he doesn't have to but he just wants to. He's got a silver tongue BIG TIME, and I dont' ever know what to say.
My husband ("DH" from here on out):
1)Grew up in extremely bad conditions. Split parents, both drug addicts/alcoholics to the max, abusive, etc. (his dad smoked a joint with him when he was 12 and got him drunk at 15, he also has pulled a gun on DH a few times and his mom is still an alcoholic and pothead)
2)Cleaned up his life by joining the military. Unfortunately he was deployed 4 times to Iraq during the OIF 1. He will admit he has some PTSD, but claims he is just meant to be in the military because he doesn't "run" from the enemy or get scared.
3)Left a child behind when he joined. He has not tried to really repair much of a relationsip, yet states he cannot let his child grow up like he did. That child's mom just got out of prison for drugs.
DH drinks daily or 5 days a week minimum. He drinks hard liquor (usually a mixed drink, sometimes straight out of the bottle). but he says he doesn't have a problem because he doesn't get drunk or have problems with missing work. It's true he doesn't get drunk or even buzzed really. 95% of the time he has 2-3 drinks. It's always when he gets off work, never during work or in the morning. IT's never affected us financially. BUT his drinking DOES affect him. He changes. His personality becomes aggressive (physically, verbally, and sexually). Verbally meaning he gets VERY sarcastic. He also will wrestle around with our kids more rough then usual. There are those times where he does drink a lot and he's embarassing, annoying, irritating, and just shows his ass. NOT a good example for our kids. When we first met we both drank and had a good time, but after we got married, I decreased a lot, and then now with 2 very young children fulltime, I don't drink at all. I am convinced he is an alcoholic on a functional level, however he is in SUCH denial. He won't even consider my feelings at all. He drinks to fall asleep, or his back hurts ,etc. I see him hit the bottle because he's emotionally overloaded. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm scared that our marriage is doomed. I'm not in a position to say it's the drinking or us, but I'm working on it. Not sure that would even work. He's EXTREMELY stubborn. and he really is a great man, good father when he doesn't drink. WE are supposed to get my stepchild full time next school year, but I don't want to bring him into the drinking. Thank you SO much for reading this!!! Oh! As it stands now, I'm really the only one with the issue of his drinking, but my mom has noticed as well as our friends, that he can be a jerk. Oh and when I ask him to PLEASE not drink just tonight, he tells me he doesn't have to but he just wants to. He's got a silver tongue BIG TIME, and I dont' ever know what to say.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. You will find a lot of support here. You will find a lot of useful information in the stickie posts at the top of this forum.
So many of us have been where you find yourself now. While your husband is quite functional now, please understand that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better on it's own. If he is in denial that he has an alcohol problem, chances are he isn't going to be looking for recovery anytime soon.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? You will find face-to-face support from others who are in the same situation and that support can be invaluable.
I hope you'll continue to come here and post; it will help. Please know that you are not alone.
So many of us have been where you find yourself now. While your husband is quite functional now, please understand that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better on it's own. If he is in denial that he has an alcohol problem, chances are he isn't going to be looking for recovery anytime soon.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? You will find face-to-face support from others who are in the same situation and that support can be invaluable.
I hope you'll continue to come here and post; it will help. Please know that you are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. You will find a lot of support here. You will find a lot of useful information in the stickie posts at the top of this forum.
So many of us have been where you find yourself now. While your husband is quite functional now, please understand that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better on it's own. If he is in denial that he has an alcohol problem, chances are he isn't going to be looking for recovery anytime soon.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? You will find face-to-face support from others who are in the same situation and that support can be invaluable.
I hope you'll continue to come here and post; it will help. Please know that you are not alone.
So many of us have been where you find yourself now. While your husband is quite functional now, please understand that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better on it's own. If he is in denial that he has an alcohol problem, chances are he isn't going to be looking for recovery anytime soon.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? You will find face-to-face support from others who are in the same situation and that support can be invaluable.
I hope you'll continue to come here and post; it will help. Please know that you are not alone.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
I'm not sure I understand your question. What do you mean "makes some ridiculous threats and puts it down?"
Do you mean makes fun of you going to al-anon? So what? He's entitled to think whatever he wants, but at the same time, you are entitled to do whatever you feel is best for you and your children. You have choices, but please remember, your children do not. They need you to look out for their best interests.
Do you mean makes fun of you going to al-anon? So what? He's entitled to think whatever he wants, but at the same time, you are entitled to do whatever you feel is best for you and your children. You have choices, but please remember, your children do not. They need you to look out for their best interests.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Welcome to SR,
I was going to respond when you first posted, but I didn't. I didn't want to say what I thought, because I didn't think that it would be received well. But it sounds like you are afraid of your husband, That you can't go places unless he gives you the OK. Pls. know that you don't need his OK. Do what you need to do for yourself and the children.
I was originally going to post that I thought he was abusive and controlling.
My ex started out like that when he was drinking, then it turned into when he was drinking, and when he was not drinking.
Alcoholism and abuse are not the same, they are two different things. I don't like to be so blunt, but I wish that my eyes were opened to this many years before I did actually open my eyes.
I hope that you stay, and read, and learn, and vent. We are all here with shoulders for you to lean on.
I was going to respond when you first posted, but I didn't. I didn't want to say what I thought, because I didn't think that it would be received well. But it sounds like you are afraid of your husband, That you can't go places unless he gives you the OK. Pls. know that you don't need his OK. Do what you need to do for yourself and the children.
I was originally going to post that I thought he was abusive and controlling.
My ex started out like that when he was drinking, then it turned into when he was drinking, and when he was not drinking.
Alcoholism and abuse are not the same, they are two different things. I don't like to be so blunt, but I wish that my eyes were opened to this many years before I did actually open my eyes.
I hope that you stay, and read, and learn, and vent. We are all here with shoulders for you to lean on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hello Milwife07, welcome to you, so glad you are here, alcoholism can be very isolating, please know you are not alone, if you need to vent, talk, need a hug, propped up, then I and many others will be here for you.
Please read ACOA boards, especially 13 characteristics of ACOA, I know you love your man, but please think about what this will do to your kids, having an alcoholic parent really screws with your head.
Al-anon is for you not him, if he makes fun of you it shows how screwed up his head is, are you seeing a counselor, please go if you can, ask him to attend also.
as Suki says, it only gets worse, my mom drinks between 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day, 6 if my dad does not stay on her back, 3 if he rides her hard.
This is a great place to spend some time, lots of folks here have been there, done that, habe the t-shirt.
Best of luck to you, if you want to talk or need a shoulder, I will be here.for you.
Bill
Please read ACOA boards, especially 13 characteristics of ACOA, I know you love your man, but please think about what this will do to your kids, having an alcoholic parent really screws with your head.
Al-anon is for you not him, if he makes fun of you it shows how screwed up his head is, are you seeing a counselor, please go if you can, ask him to attend also.
as Suki says, it only gets worse, my mom drinks between 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day, 6 if my dad does not stay on her back, 3 if he rides her hard.
This is a great place to spend some time, lots of folks here have been there, done that, habe the t-shirt.
Best of luck to you, if you want to talk or need a shoulder, I will be here.for you.
Bill
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Hi MilWife,
I'm an ACoA who grew all the way up and got myself involved with an alcoholic live-in boyfriend. And now I have to learn all about recovery as a partner to the alcoholic.
I believe the military has some support services for families faced with this issue. There are other posters here who are more versed in this kind of resource, though.
I'm an ACoA who grew all the way up and got myself involved with an alcoholic live-in boyfriend. And now I have to learn all about recovery as a partner to the alcoholic.
I believe the military has some support services for families faced with this issue. There are other posters here who are more versed in this kind of resource, though.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi and welcome,
so sorry you're going through this. The way I see it your DH, due to the circumstances of this life, never learned to cope with problems. He uses alcohol to ease his problems as he is unable to deal with them himself, as he doesn't know how to. That is something that will not go away. he can not magicaly learn how to do it.
My RAH also went throught the war (Bosnia) and suffered from PTSD. Never got the treatment for it, used alcohol instead, as that was easier since he was easing his problems without needing to deal with his emotions. His alcoholism progressed to the point of liver cirrhosis and nearly dieing. And even that wans't enough for him, so he continued to drink. He simply couldn't do any better. He lost me and kids, his home, everything and only than he truly started working on his recovery, as at that point his fear of what his life has become became greater than the fear of looking inside of himself and trying to deal with what's in there.
The worst part is that there was a great possiblity for that to never happen, for that fear of looking inside of himself to stay greater than anything else and for him to die, as if that were the case it is not likely he'd be alive now.
I'm not saying any of this to scare you, but to try to tell you it is his own struggle and there is nothing you can do about it, it seems to me the more I tried to make it better the worse things got.
You can not help him. Your DH was dealt some though cars, no doubt about it, but it is only up to him wether he is going to play it right or not. The more pressure you put the worse it will get. No one can know what would take for your DH to slip out of denial, but I can promise you one thing: nothing you say will make it happen.
So, if you take the fact it will progress to be true, the only question is: what are you going to do about it, knowing you can not change/fix/help him?
My advice for you is: go to al anon, stick around here, read and post, get educated about alcoholism (as from what I read your DH is an AH) and slowly but surely everything will become more clear to you.
Sorry you had to be here, but glad you found us.
Take care
so sorry you're going through this. The way I see it your DH, due to the circumstances of this life, never learned to cope with problems. He uses alcohol to ease his problems as he is unable to deal with them himself, as he doesn't know how to. That is something that will not go away. he can not magicaly learn how to do it.
My RAH also went throught the war (Bosnia) and suffered from PTSD. Never got the treatment for it, used alcohol instead, as that was easier since he was easing his problems without needing to deal with his emotions. His alcoholism progressed to the point of liver cirrhosis and nearly dieing. And even that wans't enough for him, so he continued to drink. He simply couldn't do any better. He lost me and kids, his home, everything and only than he truly started working on his recovery, as at that point his fear of what his life has become became greater than the fear of looking inside of himself and trying to deal with what's in there.
The worst part is that there was a great possiblity for that to never happen, for that fear of looking inside of himself to stay greater than anything else and for him to die, as if that were the case it is not likely he'd be alive now.
I'm not saying any of this to scare you, but to try to tell you it is his own struggle and there is nothing you can do about it, it seems to me the more I tried to make it better the worse things got.
You can not help him. Your DH was dealt some though cars, no doubt about it, but it is only up to him wether he is going to play it right or not. The more pressure you put the worse it will get. No one can know what would take for your DH to slip out of denial, but I can promise you one thing: nothing you say will make it happen.
So, if you take the fact it will progress to be true, the only question is: what are you going to do about it, knowing you can not change/fix/help him?
My advice for you is: go to al anon, stick around here, read and post, get educated about alcoholism (as from what I read your DH is an AH) and slowly but surely everything will become more clear to you.
Sorry you had to be here, but glad you found us.
Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 6
Thank you
Thank you all for your input. I don't mind "to the point" and "non-sugar coated" advice AT ALL. I want a solution...the best solution, that's why I am here. I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting at some point this weekend. 
Will let you know what happens!
PS I'm definitely going to read up on ACA. My dad was actually an ACA. He has been going to meetings since I was tooo little to remember. His recovery is an amazing story. I never knew that part of him. My mom has told me some things that he put her and my two much older sisters through. I'm hoping my dad can have some influence on my husband. But it really sucks that my AH is the one who has to admit/fix it boooo
Will let you know what happens!PS I'm definitely going to read up on ACA. My dad was actually an ACA. He has been going to meetings since I was tooo little to remember. His recovery is an amazing story. I never knew that part of him. My mom has told me some things that he put her and my two much older sisters through. I'm hoping my dad can have some influence on my husband. But it really sucks that my AH is the one who has to admit/fix it boooo
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
MilWife07-
I did not get raised in active alcoholism, but I suspect both my parents did (w/out recovery).
At one time I answered affirmative to over 1/2 of the traits of growing up in an ACA household.
I say this because I think without recovery this disease manages to work into all the cracks in our lives.
Keep taking care of you and your kids.
I did not get raised in active alcoholism, but I suspect both my parents did (w/out recovery).
At one time I answered affirmative to over 1/2 of the traits of growing up in an ACA household.
I say this because I think without recovery this disease manages to work into all the cracks in our lives.
Keep taking care of you and your kids.
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