My son is a heroin addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
My son is a heroin addict
I am new to this board, and have already learned a great deal from reading as much as I can about families of addicts. My son is 21 yo, and he and my stepson lived with my husband and I until about 2 years ago. My stepson is 25. They moved out and were sharing an apartment. My oldest daughter, (who is married with a daughter), and I had been thinking something was wrong with my son for awhile. He had a new girlfriend, and he wasn't coming to family functions as often as he used to. My daughter would get so irritated, and blame his girlfriend, who is not very family oriented, as the reason he wouldn't show up.
The girlfriend ended up moving in with them, and this past May, my stepson moved out. My son used to call me just to say hi, etc. and the calls got less and less. I would offer to come pick him up and take him out to dinner, and he would be hard to pin down as to when we would go. Eventually, I kind of forced the issue, and went and picked him up for dinner. He is a total foodie, loves to cook and eat, but, the night we went out, he really didn't seem that interested in the food. I knew he was having some money issues because of now having to pay the entire rent, after my stepson moved out, and so while we were eating, I offered to take him to J.C. Penney to get some jeans and shoes. He asked me if I would mind stopping back at his house so he could let his dog out, and, while I was sitting on his back porch, he went into the house and was gone for about 20 mins. On the way to the mall, he seemed kind of sleepy, but, I guess I just didn't see it, or want to see it. At the mall, he was trying on clothes and at one point he walked out of the dressing room, and when he pulled his shirt up to show me the jeans, and I noticed that he had lost weight. He's like 6'5 and thin anyway, but, his jean size was 32 instead of 34 waist, which is what he usually wears.
After that night, he called me a few days later to ask if he could borrow $40. towards his car insurance. I said yes.
The next day, I got a call from him that he was in jail, arrested for drugs. He told me the whole story, and admitted he had been using heroin for about 8 months. Of course, no, he never shot up.
His dad and I bailed him out after a week, and then he moved in with me. Basically, he hadn't paid rent in months, and was on the verge of being evicted. He did well for like 2 weeks. After that, I could see a change in his personality. I told him he could either go to rehab or move out. He eventually admitted, that yes, he was shooting it, spent all of his money on heroin, and I think he has been doing it longer than 8 mos. He is due to get out of rehab a week from today, and is already lined up to go to a halfway house. About 2 weeks into his rehab, I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, thinking of him coming here. I feel bad saying this, but, I don't want him here. As it is, I have his dog, and am taking care of her.
I'm sorry this is long, but, it felt good getting it out. My husband has been very supportive, and my ex-husband and I have been kind of teaming up to show support. If anyone has any suggestions, etc. I would appreciate it. By the way, he is still communicating with his girlfriend. She was doing it too, but, she was snorting it, and she moved out about 2 weeks before he got arrested, because she wanted to get clean, and he didn't. He said she doesn't know about the needles, and doesn't want her to know.
The girlfriend ended up moving in with them, and this past May, my stepson moved out. My son used to call me just to say hi, etc. and the calls got less and less. I would offer to come pick him up and take him out to dinner, and he would be hard to pin down as to when we would go. Eventually, I kind of forced the issue, and went and picked him up for dinner. He is a total foodie, loves to cook and eat, but, the night we went out, he really didn't seem that interested in the food. I knew he was having some money issues because of now having to pay the entire rent, after my stepson moved out, and so while we were eating, I offered to take him to J.C. Penney to get some jeans and shoes. He asked me if I would mind stopping back at his house so he could let his dog out, and, while I was sitting on his back porch, he went into the house and was gone for about 20 mins. On the way to the mall, he seemed kind of sleepy, but, I guess I just didn't see it, or want to see it. At the mall, he was trying on clothes and at one point he walked out of the dressing room, and when he pulled his shirt up to show me the jeans, and I noticed that he had lost weight. He's like 6'5 and thin anyway, but, his jean size was 32 instead of 34 waist, which is what he usually wears.
After that night, he called me a few days later to ask if he could borrow $40. towards his car insurance. I said yes.
The next day, I got a call from him that he was in jail, arrested for drugs. He told me the whole story, and admitted he had been using heroin for about 8 months. Of course, no, he never shot up.
His dad and I bailed him out after a week, and then he moved in with me. Basically, he hadn't paid rent in months, and was on the verge of being evicted. He did well for like 2 weeks. After that, I could see a change in his personality. I told him he could either go to rehab or move out. He eventually admitted, that yes, he was shooting it, spent all of his money on heroin, and I think he has been doing it longer than 8 mos. He is due to get out of rehab a week from today, and is already lined up to go to a halfway house. About 2 weeks into his rehab, I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, thinking of him coming here. I feel bad saying this, but, I don't want him here. As it is, I have his dog, and am taking care of her.
I'm sorry this is long, but, it felt good getting it out. My husband has been very supportive, and my ex-husband and I have been kind of teaming up to show support. If anyone has any suggestions, etc. I would appreciate it. By the way, he is still communicating with his girlfriend. She was doing it too, but, she was snorting it, and she moved out about 2 weeks before he got arrested, because she wanted to get clean, and he didn't. He said she doesn't know about the needles, and doesn't want her to know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Good for you being sharp enough to not make coming home an option.
One of the most powerful remarks made by a poster on this forum was to remind me that I am not my daughter's only option.
Your son knows where to buy dope and knows that associating with others who use will likely compromize his sobriety, especially in the early stages of recovery. It's his choice to remain in contact or separate. In other words, it's not about the girl and all about him taking responsibility for his own choices and consequences.
One of the most powerful remarks made by a poster on this forum was to remind me that I am not my daughter's only option.
Your son knows where to buy dope and knows that associating with others who use will likely compromize his sobriety, especially in the early stages of recovery. It's his choice to remain in contact or separate. In other words, it's not about the girl and all about him taking responsibility for his own choices and consequences.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am sorry for the reason. my advise is for you to find a face to face meeting & go to every one of them. i am also a mother of an addict & he is now serving a 7 yr. prison sentence.it is not easy having an addict for a son. i am glad u are working on your recovery early in the stage. you will need alot of support yourself. read all the stickys at the top of the forum & keep coming back.prayers for you & your son.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 27
Dear ownedbypugs,
My son is also 21 and also a oxy/heroin addict. I pretty much forced him to go to rehab 3 times in the last 3 years. Each time, he relapsed.
I have had to put aside my dreams and "plans" for how I thought his life was going to be and deal with the reality of what it is. And to come to the conclusion that it is HIS life, and he is making his own choices.
My ex-husband and I have now cut off all contact and monetary support from him. He was living in a sober living environment but I heard he has been kicked out this week. I'm sure he will be in touch sooner or later, but I am finally, firmly, resolved to allow him to live his own life. Of course I hope he will get clean and sober, but I have no control over whether he does or not. I never did.
This forum is an excellent resource and I'm glad you found it. Our fellow posters are so supportive. As others have said, read all the stickys -- they are EXCELLENT. And go to Al-Anon, find a therapist if you can afford it, and be kind to yourself. I'm currently reading "Addict in the Family," which is an excellent book.
Please let us know how things are going. We care.
Love, Susan
My son is also 21 and also a oxy/heroin addict. I pretty much forced him to go to rehab 3 times in the last 3 years. Each time, he relapsed.
I have had to put aside my dreams and "plans" for how I thought his life was going to be and deal with the reality of what it is. And to come to the conclusion that it is HIS life, and he is making his own choices.
My ex-husband and I have now cut off all contact and monetary support from him. He was living in a sober living environment but I heard he has been kicked out this week. I'm sure he will be in touch sooner or later, but I am finally, firmly, resolved to allow him to live his own life. Of course I hope he will get clean and sober, but I have no control over whether he does or not. I never did.
This forum is an excellent resource and I'm glad you found it. Our fellow posters are so supportive. As others have said, read all the stickys -- they are EXCELLENT. And go to Al-Anon, find a therapist if you can afford it, and be kind to yourself. I'm currently reading "Addict in the Family," which is an excellent book.
Please let us know how things are going. We care.
Love, Susan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
I know this sounds so stupid, but, I think one of the things that trouble me most, is when I look at my son, I see my little boy who was never, ever a problem child when he was younger. When he got arrested, and I actually got a voicemail, because I was at work, and couldn't answer my phone when he called from jail. I was so upset, I left work and didn't go back for the next four days. My boss was great, and basically, I could not stop crying every time I tried to talk about it. I still get filled up a lot, and have a hard time discussing this without crying.
I can't shake the feeling that it's somehow my fault. I know what the saying is about not being the cause, but, I still feel guilty for not knowing for such a long time. How could I not notice.
It was really weird, and maybe it was my subconcious, but, over the summer we had a crab feast/cookout at our house, and invited all the kids. (I have a 27 yo daughter, 24 yo daughter, and my son, (my husband has a 26 yo dtr. and a 25 yo son) We also have 2 grandchildren. Anyway, it's always a good time when they are all here, and we had all kinds of food, and we have a pool in our backyard, and some people were swimming. When a few people left, it was just my son and my oldest daughter and her husband and their daughter left, and when my son went to leave I watched him walk to his car, and he turned around to look at me, and when he did, I just burst out crying. I honestly don't know why. He came back and asked me what was wrong, and I didn't know what to say. We went into the house, and he said he wasn't leaving until we talked, and to this day, I don't know what happened to make me feel something bad was happening to him when I watched him leave. When he got home that night, he called me to make sure I was okay, and we talked for a few minutes.
I guess I feel like how could I not know? And I'm so scared that this is just the beginning of a long road. Maybe he will stay clean right now, or maybe he won't.
I can't shake the feeling that it's somehow my fault. I know what the saying is about not being the cause, but, I still feel guilty for not knowing for such a long time. How could I not notice.
It was really weird, and maybe it was my subconcious, but, over the summer we had a crab feast/cookout at our house, and invited all the kids. (I have a 27 yo daughter, 24 yo daughter, and my son, (my husband has a 26 yo dtr. and a 25 yo son) We also have 2 grandchildren. Anyway, it's always a good time when they are all here, and we had all kinds of food, and we have a pool in our backyard, and some people were swimming. When a few people left, it was just my son and my oldest daughter and her husband and their daughter left, and when my son went to leave I watched him walk to his car, and he turned around to look at me, and when he did, I just burst out crying. I honestly don't know why. He came back and asked me what was wrong, and I didn't know what to say. We went into the house, and he said he wasn't leaving until we talked, and to this day, I don't know what happened to make me feel something bad was happening to him when I watched him leave. When he got home that night, he called me to make sure I was okay, and we talked for a few minutes.
I guess I feel like how could I not know? And I'm so scared that this is just the beginning of a long road. Maybe he will stay clean right now, or maybe he won't.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello fellow Mom, I too walked this stretch recently. First and foremost, it is so hard to not see the youthful innocence in our own children when we look at them. Same here, I always saw the young teenage person who I adored, who was free, funny, full of life and love, always count onable, etc. When he started to change, I made up so many excuses as to why he was doing what he was doing, I ENABLED him and I DECEIVED myself. It is very important for you as a Mother to realize, you didn't do anything wrong. You love your children. Right now, your son is dealing with the monkey worse than all monkies, Heroin. As an uneducated person as it related to Heroin, I thought this was like weed or coke, they can get over it. Truth be told, it takes a serious awakening to overcome this addiction. We put our son in jail for the theft of our possessions. He was there for 4 months, he then got the opportunity to go into a residential rehab for the remainder of the 12 months custody. This was the best deal the DA gave him. Here is the best part. My darkest darkest days were from June to October 24 while he was in jail. He survived even though it was the most difficult thing in the entire world to endure, he SURVIVED! when he was released to the rehab, He chose a very structured program and he is choosing his way. Rehabs are not jail: they can leave ANY time, he is choosing to stay. He does NOT have a place to go, we wont let him home because part of the recovery process for an adult is to be able to care for themself. Please read the stickies at the top on codependency, also posts that come from others here who have already dealt with our situation being a parent of an adult addict. Yes, he is an adult 
. Hugs and prayers going to you, please understand.... If your son falls to the bottom, he has to choose to climb out and by climbing ON HIS OWN, he has a chance. If you enable and try to help him out, he won't be doing the work and the empowerment on his own.
We are all here for you. This site is the number one place I get support, encouragement and hope
TT
. Hugs and prayers going to you, please understand.... If your son falls to the bottom, he has to choose to climb out and by climbing ON HIS OWN, he has a chance. If you enable and try to help him out, he won't be doing the work and the empowerment on his own.We are all here for you. This site is the number one place I get support, encouragement and hope
TT
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
Im so sorry you're going through this. I can totally relate to your post. This is very painful. I have found a lot of strength on these boards, at meetings for parents/family members (ive been attending families anonymous meetings, in person and online), by reading - codependent no more, don't let your children kill you, and addict in the family are 3 books I'd highly recommend (sorry I don't have the authors names handy), and by finding a therapist with experience dealing with addiction. I finally reached out for help for myself about 3 weeks ago after spending years trying to deal with the craziness of addiction on my own. I was a mess! Couldn't focus, was obsessed with fixing my son, couldn't eat (I weighed under 100 pounds), was scared and anxiety ridden constantly. I didn't think there was any way I would ever feel better.
Today I feel better! The problem still exists, my son is on a horrible downward spiral and doesn't think he has a problem. But I'm ok. I am still sad, still yearn for the handsome, intelligent, star hockey player son I once had. But now I know I can be ok despite his problems. I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Only he can.
Take care of yourself and get as much support as you can.
Today I feel better! The problem still exists, my son is on a horrible downward spiral and doesn't think he has a problem. But I'm ok. I am still sad, still yearn for the handsome, intelligent, star hockey player son I once had. But now I know I can be ok despite his problems. I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Only he can.
Take care of yourself and get as much support as you can.
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