singlespeed

I was in such a weird space yesterday and really irritable at work. Something that I posted in a thread Wed night was a reality check for me and made me realize more about my problem with drinking. I felt like an angry child yesterday thinking about not being able to have a drink with a friend ever again. On Wed night I had dinner with a friend. He drank and I didn't. We were sitting in the bar area and at one point I heard the bar tender mixing a drink (shaking the drink, the ice cubes clanking around) and it was all I focus on at that point. I wanted a margarita SOOO bad. I fought the urge though. My friend that night gave me some **** about quitting drinking (I still can't say I'm an alcoholic) ribbing me about moderation not being in my constitution (he thinks he knows me really well but he actually doesn't). Usually his ribbing feels in jest and kind of endearing but Wed night it got on my nerves. So what if I'm going full force on this not drinking thing (yay for me), so what if I've really dived into starting up to church and being involved there? I have depression and I feel so much better since doing both these things and I am so proud of myself. I never thought I'd be a church person but I am so grateful I have reconnected with one and the great people there.

So yesterday I was really irritable at work. I got out of work last night and went to my first AA meeting. I attended Al Anon years ago for quite awhile but never AA. It was hard being there. I couldn't introduce myself as I still can't say I'm an alcoholic. Some elder gentlemen gave me a chocolate during the meeting as I think I had a sad look on my face. It made me smile. After the meeting he came up to me and was so kind and gave me a hug and held my hand and walked me up to the front to get my newcomers chip as I didn't do it during the meeting. He went out of his way to make me feel welcome and like it was right where I needed to be. I felt so much better after the meeting.

Part of me can not believe this is what my life has come to - how has this happened to ME? My drinking has never caused obvious problems in my life (I live alone, have no kids or boyfriend, therefore no one to account to, and have a great job and friends), but what it has caused is a lot of obsessive thinking about drinking, pretty much nightly drinking, driving sometimes when I shouldn't, and keeps me from taking better care of myself - I'm done with all that. Damn, but isn't alcohol sneaky, evil stuff. I try to think back when my relationship with it changed and I can't recall. It seems like it just sort of evolved and happened.

So, to wrap this up, I have a work Xmas party to go to tonight where there will be drinking. I'll be fine. I plan to skip out on the after party and go to a meeting. My birthday is next Wednesday along with my 30 day sobriety and I plan to celebrate both at a meeting too. I'm fortunate as there are a ton in this area to choose from. Hearing people speak last night and what a miracle the program has been in their lives was very inspirational. I so grateful that it is there for us.

Happy Friday everyone. Stay sober for the weekend - just one day at a time!

Sapling

You made my day....

comanche

Totally get where you're coming from with this. Like, me, what, an alcoholic? You can't be serious. But my drinking definitely did cause some major problems in my life and I'm trying to break out of this bubble where I think somehow I am above the reality that alcohol is an addictive substance. I also know what you mean about the evolution of the relationship with alcohol. When I quit drinking about a year ago, the process was still ongoing. What had once been something that brought me fun and relaxation still did that at times, but far more often it was leading to negative consequences and I was just using it to self-medicate and cover up feelings.

Good luck.

soberjim

Thanks for the posting singlespeed. It is difficult to comes to terms with not drinking. I sometimes also wonder when did this happen? I'm not quite sure. Now I'm focusing on where do I go from here.

Interesting your comments around the label 'alcoholic'. I'm very early on in this journey so I can related. Today I actually had a moment of clarity. I have been struggling with the upcoming holidays and the whole having a drink, can I have a drink, ect ect. I know that I can't. I just won't work. So I have to give up the debate. It is just too much mental energy.

I am choosing to think of my as a non-drinker. People may debate the distinction, but it is easier for me to view myself as a non-drinker. At the end of the day, whatever helps you deal with the issue.

Good to see that you are close to 30 days.

quitforme79

Thanks so much for this post single..we seem to have more things in common than just a drinking problem haha I am actually looking for a church to start going to. I haven't gone since my mom used to force me when I was a kid but I want to expand my horizons spiritually and I will probably meet some great people as well. Have fun at the Christmas party, you sound strong and are an inspiration

Tigger41

Great post

ROckey

3 days sober and I definitely feel where you are coming from regarding drinking. I haven't told any of my friends that I am stopping.

singlespeed

You all are an inspiration to me! So glad for this site.

least

Welcome to a very supportive site. You'll find lots of useful information here also.

EmeraldRose

Glad you are here and glad you remain sober despite life's temptations. I drank for years and then one day it hit me upside the head -yup, real alcoholic here. No doubt about it.
We have that realization one day and it truly makes keeping our sobriety in check.
Inspiring post...keep on swimming.

singlespeed

I went to the party last night and had no interest in drinking. I ended up driving a couple of people home that had been drinking. Now THAT is a new experience - being the DD. I like it!