Notices

Downer of a day.

Old 12-08-2011, 11:28 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 54
Downer of a day.

Hey everyone- Hope all are having a good, if not great day. I'm posting today looking for some good experiences from all of you? Does anybody have a quick, nice, happy story you would share relating to how NOT drinking gave you a specific happy experience? I'm really down today. The other day at work, I had a very stressful 13 hrs, topped off with a very sad 40yo code that came in and died. I spent a lot of time with the heartbroken family, and it just put me in a funk. I actually thought about stopping on the way home and getting a drink. After doing the mental head shake at myself, I passed the store and spent the remainder of the drive home going over the LOOOONNNGGGGG list of why I won't ever drink again- so that was good. Went to the counselor on Monday, and things seem to be getting a bit easier there as well. Then got verbally hit last night-both barrels from the husband, who is still (rightfully so) upset about the relapse I had on Nov. 19th. He's still mad and hurt, and in the middle of our discussion, asked me how he was supposed to live with someone he loves, but feels like he won't ever be able to trust again. He's not ever had to deal with an addiction, and I don't think he really understands all the things we struggle with. It just hurt me so bad to hear him say that, I feel like a piece of garbage. I tried to explain to him that sometimes we have to hit "bottom"- This last issue is the first time I've actually wrapped my mind around the fact that I can't ever drink again. I know he doesn't understand the difference, and I tried to explain to him that there isn't anything I can do or say right now- all I can do is to wake up and remake the commitment not to drink. He also feels that EVERYTHING, every single bad issue in our lives, as well as the problems with my daughter, is directly and soley caused by my past drinking, something I don't agree with. He thinks I should sit down with my family, tell everyone how I know my drinking affected them badly, and ask for them to forgive me. In his eyes, that will make EVERYTHING all better. I disagree, and while I'm working on taking responsibility for my actions, I think there is a LOTmore to it. I'm not 100% wrong, nor am I to blame for everything. I'm feeling a little pissed off, that ALL of this is getting laid on my doorstep, especially since I'm trying so hard now. Just feel like running away from my life right now
SadRN is offline  
Old 12-08-2011, 11:44 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
soberjim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
SadRN... Sorry I don't have a story.. But I see that you have a great deal of issues in play all at the same time. Having a drink...not going to help you deal with any of these issues. It will only make you feel worse. Not drinking is what is going to help you get to where you want to be.

Keep posting and know that there is support here!
Jim
soberjim is offline  
Old 12-08-2011, 11:44 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I always like to watch a good comedy when I get like that..I'll tell you one thing...Alcohol may have been a contributing factor in whatever problems you have...But don't haul the whole load on your shoulders...Nobody deserves that. Do something to take your mind off it...Take a nice walk in a park somewhere...Clear your head and just keep on doing what you are doing. Don't pick up!
Sapling is offline  
Old 12-08-2011, 12:08 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
I think everyday I'm not drinking is a good experience story

I really admire nurses for all you do, and see. It looks like a hell of a tough job to me, and I thank you for it, but the stress must be enormous some days.

We all need to find a better stress release than the one we used for so many years.
I find comedies are a great stress reliever, like sapling said...exercise is great too...or finding a hobby....relaxation and meditation can be useful too.

It can take a while to learn new skills - and dealing with stress sober is definitely a skill - and the results are never as immediate as we expect from our years with alcohol - but it is possible to deal with stress and stay sober - don't give up

I'm sorry for the stress at home too - I often think recovery is as hard on the spouses as it is on us, maybe even harder if they don't have any support.

Your husband obviously has a lot of baggage he needs to work through. I'm guessing he may not be open to the idea of AlAnon or counselling, so you may just have to wait for him to work this out himself.

The very best thing you can do is exactly what you're doing - working on your recovery...you're doing great

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 12-08-2011, 12:57 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,331
SadRN, I'm sorry things are going badly.

I relate to what you said because I felt so very beaten down in my early recovery, too. I willingly believed that every problem in my family was due to my drinking. It took a little while to get some perspective and recognize that, I had undoubtedly done much harm, but I wasn't to be blamed for everything. In fact, stepping out of the victim role was a huge step forward for me.

I'm not sure if your husband means you should sit down with him and your children and apologize? If so, I would agree with that. If he means you should sit down with and apologize to other family members, I would not allow myself to be bullied into doing that. That is a decision you should make when the time is right.
Anna is online now  
Old 12-08-2011, 01:24 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tigger41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
Ok. Here's a story. Last night I went to my eldest (twins) choir concert. I sat there the whole time, through the bad singing, the rude parents on their iPhones next to me, my 6 year old on my lap (who was informing me every other minute or so how bbooorrrddeeeddd she was). And here comes the good part.

When they got up on stage to sing. I only had eyes for them. I didn't think for one minute that this concert was keeping me from drinking. I didn't think about how I wanted it to be over so I could drink. I was there, clear eyed, remembering every song, every look.

It gets better and everyone plays a part in a family's happiness/sadness. Maybe it's time your husband picked up his portion of the responsibility. No one held a gun to his head to stay. You take yours, he takes his. You move forward.

Hugs and stay strong. Do this for you and you daughter and your family.
Tigger41 is offline  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:22 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
CaiHong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
SadRN,

I think your husband needs to take time out and read this forum or something to better understand addiction. He certainly is not helping you to stay sober. I admire your fortitude. Hang in there, keep posting. Your husband sounds like a bit of a pratt. (No offence to pratts)

CaiHong
CaiHong is offline  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:31 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
yo466's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Randolph NJ
Posts: 70
SadRN-

It sucks that you are dealing with so much so early on in your recovery, but it will get better if you stay sober. You will make things 10 times worse by drinking again, but if you can deal with these issues sober, it may be painful at first, but it will give you confidence to deal with issues later on.

On a good note, today was my first day after getting promoted at work, so that's a good thing. I can see all the hard work I've put in is finally paying off and it's really all due to me getting sober. If you told me when I quit over a year ago that I'd be in this position I would have laughed in your face. The fact is, it will get better, but it takes patience. One thing I noticed with relationships with family and friends was that there was a lot of rebuilding to be done.

Destroying relationships is easy, but rebuilding them takes a lot of effort and most of all patience. Hope you feel better and hang in there.
yo466 is offline  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:52 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Your husband is only making matters worse and being so judgmental is going to bite him in the butt one day. Everyone has their "thing." Yours happens to be alcoholism. Do you beat him up emotionally for whatever his thing is? I know anyone who is not an alcoholic will respond "well my thing is not life threatening." That's not the point. The point is you love your spouse with all the good and all the bad. You don't belittle them because of their faults and make them feel worse than they already feel especially when they are trying.
Soberween is online now  
Old 12-08-2011, 05:19 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
sissy07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
SadRN,

Your post left me heartbroken, and more than a little p***** off at your husband. He may not be a bad guy, but he had no idea what he is talking about regarding alcoholism.

An alcoholic is generally not a bad person - they are a sick person. Would he get mad at you if you had cancer, or schizophrenia? Alcoholism is something some very intelligent people just don't understand, even if they try. I know some individuals that truly believe it is a moral failing. Wow.

I believe I am (and I believe you are) as good a person as we can be. At least I try to be everyday. You choosing nursing as a vocation tells me a lot about you - and your reaction to the tragedy you experienced today is a testament to that.

There is no possible way that it could be entirely your fault the problems that your husband is hanging on as caused by your behavior are your fault. Yeah, I have said some pretty hateful things to those I love the most, and have done things that I am so very ashamed of that hurt my family and those that love me very much(not to mention the self-hate I lived with). I could not feel worse about all of that if I tried. He can't make you feel worse than you already do, maybe you should enlighten him on that.

With my limited knowledge of what you are going through, I would say that he needs help understanding what you are going through. You are not a bad person, and you are doing the best you can you are not bad....you are sick with this blasted disease. It is YOUR business when you address those that you hurt. Who is he to counsel you on something he obviously does not understand? Something in me tells me that he has some problems within himself ..... doesn't he see that he is attacking you at the time when you need him most? A lot of us don't have a lot of famiily/friends support (people that really understand the hell of addiction), but he is sabotaging you. Needless to say, he needs to lighten up BIG TIME. Have you thought about writing him a letter describing how he makes you feel, and then find a book that explains alcoholism? (Make the book short, it sounds like he doesn't want to invest a lot of time in this.) I used to tell my ex-husband "You are making me feel worse, if that is possible. I have to live with what I did, and now I have to live fighting an addiction that follows me around everywhere I go." When you get more self-esteem (regardless of him) you will be able to address other people, and his comments won't bother you as much. But right now he is doing the exact opposite of what he should be doing. I am sure he has no faults, and has not contributed to the things he is blaming you for (yeah, sure). I don't think he is happy with himself....and he is projecting some of that on to you. Shaming, blaming, and directing you to do things that you are not ready to do is a recipe for disaster - for you and your relationship with him. No offense, but he sounds like a jerk to me. Once you have some sober time invested, review your post and these answers. As for him, I would tell him that he can't be supportive, he needs to quit serving up demands and criticism. He needs to get a grip and some empathy, and some knowlege about what you are fighting. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I got divorced from a control freak a few years ago, and although I miss his good qualities, his emotional and mental abuse kept me very sick. Don't let him do this to you. (Although I am not recommending divorce - especially at the stage you are now. You need stability and some time.) That time will give you respect for yourself that will be much harder for him to break. Just keep doing what you are doing, and tell him that if he wants you to succeed in the biggest battle of your life, he needs to begin to understand, exercise empathy, try to be supportive, learn about what you are going through, and cut you a little slack. The guy doesn't know what a good catch he has.
Oh, and try to forgive yourself for past transgressions....they can't be undone, but you can lessen the impact by being the good (which you are) and the sober person (which you can be.) He needs to help himself, just like you need to keep going....I once got sober (for 8 years) out of spite for my husband, and developed marathoning, a great career, hobbies and sober friends. The spite part faded with time (he was just too perfect for me, or so he thought), but I had outside interests and a career that filled up the emptiness just enough that I could live with him, until it got too much - now that alcoholism it was other things. Maybe in time he will see things the way they really are. I am divorced now, and things aren't roses (I sure liked his income and my lifestyle), but I can handle middle class becaue things are peaceful....and I have the animals I couldn't have because he couldn't tolerate them. He needs help - and you aren't the reason. I hope things get better for you (it takes awhile....no magic bullet). You deserve the best. Dont' let him continue to push your buttons....I found not responding to his attempts to push my buttons helped a lot....I would just look at him and say "I hope someday you will understand how hard I am trying to live sober....I suffer from a disease, and I am close to thinking you will never get it." Do you care if you hurt me about the most serious thing I have ever faced in my life?" Well, I am rambling....I only wish you the best and I hope that I have helped. You do not deserve this, and I hate that you are having to deal with this on top of every thing else. You are a very strong person.....and I admire you. Much love and hugs, Elizabeth.
sissy07 is offline  
Old 12-08-2011, 05:39 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
EmeraldRose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Right now, early in sobriety, by sitting down and taking blame for every bad thing that has happened certainly isn't going to change the past. I don't really think that will enhance your sobriety if you fess up to or not. It might make HIM feel better but not do anything for your sobriety unless it has to do with making ammends with your family -but we don't do that in a theatre setting and sell tickets.
What's important is that you continue on, living today sober and waking up tomorrow sober and moving ahead.
Oh I know, he wants to place blame and put you on a guilt trip over mishaps that may or may not have an influence in the future but that is no way to live your life -he needs to understand you feel bad enough for the relapse and drinking -adding more blame on top of that truly isn't helping you.

I know how he feels about the not trusting you thing. My husband would say the same thing with good reason. Everyday I said I wouldn't drink and everyday he'd come home to find I'd been drinking. That will have to be a learned trust on his part. Prove to him that he can trust you one day at a time.

Here's a happy story about not drinking...My husband and I are getting a divorce. LOL I just got the papers but he conveniently 'forgot' something very important within those papers so I have to counterclaim to gently shake loose his memory.
I'm thinking that he's thinking I'm still drinking and I'll act hastily, sign the papers, take the loss and he'll 'win'.
Wale, have I got news for him...I didn't forget about the something important, my family is helping me with lawyer costs for now and best of all...I'm very patient and very sober.
Sober is good no matter what the situation.
EmeraldRose is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:04 AM.