MsPINKAcres

Although I'm not crazy about the term "oldtimer", I would guess you could call me one.

I've been around SR for a few years and in Al-Anon for over 7 ~ dealt with this disease as a daughter, wife (now ex-wife), sister, mom, friend and now how it affects my grandchildren. . .

BUT it still gets me.

I still struggle with things I know.

As I posted about a month or so ~ my AD is in jail or was in jail. I mailed a letter to her, tried to see her, but my name wasn't on the visitation list.

I have had no contact from her ~

I tried to find out on-line if she was still incarcerated - the facility that she is in is off-line temporararily.

My mind begins to think, plot, wonder, plan, figure, devise, detect. . .

of ALL the ways I could find out what is going on with her . . .

Then I remember page 131 in our ODAT for Al-Anon book - in Today's Reminder "What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part."

ugh - silly recovery book -

that wasn't really meant for me huh?????????

but I could, I should, I would, . . .
step 1 - I am powerless. . .

So my newcomer friends, when you feel discouraged, afraid, and feel like you may never "get it"; please know from this "oldtimer" ~ I still have the overwhelming desire to do those things - "Ritaville" screams at me to do those old behaviors some days 24/7

I have to fight it - I have to do all the prayer, meditation, reading, calling my sponsors, journaling and PRAYING AGAIN that I can do to NOT do those things my body, heart & mind are screaming at me to do ~

Because I also know - that if I keep doing what I have always done I will keep getting what I have always gotten ~
Bad as well as good ~

If I do those Next Right Things - the peace, serenity and release will come, regardless of what my AD does or doesn't do. It has happened before and it will happen again.

Just thought I would share a little Experience, Strength, and Hope for those who are new to Recovery to let you know it's ok to feel like you ain't gettin it ~ somedays I feel that way too!

Remember, no matter what you & your God are going to be ok - even better than OK!

PINK HUGS!
Rita

steve1840

hey rita-

sorry you are going through this, but i am glad you have the tools in place to get you by. i am glad you posted this. it lets people know that no matter how long you can be in your own recovery, it can still be a struggle. i sometime forget that and think that after reaching a certain point there are no more effects. (well something like that).

i am also glad you wrote this because it is helping me keep my cool. i keep wanting to know whats up, or keep sticking my head in the picture. and your post reminded me. there is nothing can do to change what is going on or was will go on. if i only worry about that, then what of me? i sit here languishing. so by not making that call i keep a certain amount of power. im sure shes using until she goes back in, if she goes back in. but there is nothing i can do to change what happens tonight.

i guess the part of your post that spoke to me was wanting to know whats going on. but i meditate upon what ever is going on is going on whether i know about it or not.

i hope you get back to your center and feel better

greeteachday

((((Rita)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. I too have recently been reminded of how quickly I can relapse into obsessive worrying and future tripping. I start saying prayers or reflections in my head and suddenly realize they stopped and my thoughts are racing, envisioning scenes that never have occurred...playing them out in my head. Doesn't even have to be related to addiction - if I am panicked enough, i can slip into that mode.

But I know I have the tools to make it through...i have again found myself saying the Serenity Prayer repetitively aloud, because i can not obsess and say words aloud at the same time. The prayers sooth me...Going back to Step One soothes me...using those tools soothes me.

Working a recovery program doesn't eliminate the pain in life, but it sure does help to get me through that and to be grateful for what I have.

Thinking of you and sending prayers for serenity and pink hugs back to you

tjp613

Thank you for sharing that, Rita. It makes me feel like less of a doofus. I admire you so much and appreciate all you have contributed to us here at SR. Peace.

hello-kitty

Doing the next right thing always works for me too. :-)



xoxoxo.

MsPINKAcres

As always thanks for your love & support ~
Each one of you are so very important to my recovery - I cherish all of you

I still don't know any more than I did the day I posted this but as promised - This too shall pass. . .

Pink Hugs as we enjoy the blessings of the day
Rita

Ann

Rita, I too have been around the block of recovery for many years now, and I still can be knocked off balance some days, even by the tiniest thing.

For example, yesterday I was shopping with Mr. Ann and standing outside the men's fitting room while he tried on shirts. Another woman stood there too and her son came out with some jeans. He was tall, looked much like my son, and his jeans were 34x34 (he told his mom those were the ones that fit) just like my son's. He was happy, healthy, and appeared normal. She was enjoying shopping with him and I think, proud of her son. I was jolted by the resemblance, and saddened a little by my own loss.

The thing is, in the old days this sadness would have lingered for days, I would have felt resentful that anyone could be normal and happy, and the pain would have occupied my mind enough to make me miss any beauty in my day. Yesterday it was a passing regret, I recognized where it came from, processed it and said a quick prayer for my own son. Then I went and had lunch with Mr. Ann and enjoyed a walk on the shore watching dolphins play.

Rita you have gone through way more than I have, addiction has affected many relationships on your life. Yet you are strong today, and share a light that attracts old timers and newcomers alike. You are a very special lady who has her recovery toolbox well organized and ready to use.

Recovery doesn't promise us perfect days, it promises us that we will make it through the bad ones unscathed and a little wiser for the journey.

Love you lots for sharing your recovery with us. It is people like you who help people like me make every day a little brighter.

Hugs

hope2be

That's where I want to be!

Rita - I appreciate and know your struggle with this codie stuff. Thanks for posting...gives such good insight!

Huggs

MsPINKAcres

Well my friends ~ I just keep getting AFGO (another Frickin growth opportunity)

I say it that way - but it really is heartbreaking the more we are exposed to this disease and the way it affects our loved ones. . .

Kaileigh, our granddaughter that we are raising, her dad finally came by the house yesterday afternoon, that's Mr. Pink's son. He looked like A's look when they have been on a bad spell for a while - in need of a hair cut, pale, lost a lot of weight, on and on and on. . . you know that slight death warmed over look. . .BUT he wasn't under the influence.
So we visited with him, he cried and asked if he could come back by & see Kaileigh when she got home from school; if he could spend the nite Christmas Eve so he could see her open her gifts, if we could help him out to get her something from him, . . .

We feed him, we hugged him, we showed him how great she is doing ~ he cried a little more. . .

He did show up to see her when she got off the bus ~ she was over joyed. He stayed til time for her to go to bed - he left & promised he would be back tomorrow. We sent him off with food, cokes & a pack of cigarettes.

And that precious grandbaby cried herself to sleep in my arms last nite, begging me to stay home from work with her today. . .

Breathe in, breathe out -

Serenity Prayer
for Courage, Wisdom and Guidance. . .

and a little healthy compassion without enabling. . .

Pink HUGS,
Rita

frances2011

Prayers and hugs to you my friend. Thank you for sharing your burdens so we can help you carry them a tiny bit. You are in my prayers today. I am grateful for knowing you a little bit and the hope and inspiration you give me.

******{Rita & Her Whole Family}}}}

Chino

That was poignant and so bittersweet; it touched my heart deeply. You were drenched in tears yesterday and I pray they lead to blessed healing for everyone.

Ann

God Bless the Child! He already has because she is with you and has your loving arms to hold her and wipe her tears.

Keeping all the Pinks in my prayers and maybe an extra special one for that precious child.

Hugs

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry you keep getting these "growth opportunities" and that (((Kaliegh))) is so affected, but I'm glad she has the BEST person to help her through this. I know it hurts, and it's hard, but your recovery continues to shine and (((Kaleigh))) will get through this because, with clearer vision of "what is" because you and (((Mr. Pink))) will help her. Unfortunately, life brings pain sometimes, but you are teaching her how to deal with it..and keep going, even when it feels like your heart is being ripped apart. I really don't think it's a coincidence that this has happened at a time in your life when you've got your recovery toolbelt in use.

You all remain in my prayers.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

hope213

this hurts my heart. i am so glad your g-daughter has you.