Alcoholic boyfriend

Old 12-07-2011, 06:24 PM
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Alcoholic boyfriend

I don't know where to turn. My life is a wreck. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's had 3 DUIs and is continuously making irresponsible choices. I love him anyway. I am very responsible and mature for 29. I used to have everything together. I always paid my bills and had money. I went to work everyday. Now it seems that I live with him my life is going down. I love him though. I mean I truly love him with all my heart. He gives me empty promises. I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right choices are. I feel like I can't leave but it seems self-destructive to stay. How do you live with an alcoholic? Does it ever get better?
I keep hoping it will get better. He says he's trying. To be honest, I'm not sure what I even understand about the disease. He shuts me out so much when it comes to his drinking. I'm scared of losing him. I want to have a future with him. I would love to go to Al-anon but I feel like I can't trust him to leave him alone long enough to go. I make deals and I try to bargain but it never seems to get better or work. I'll take any advice or support I can get. I feel so alone and hopeless. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. I can't share this with my friends or family. The only people I feel I can talk to his family and I feel bad burdening them.
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:29 PM
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The loneliness, for me, has never gone away. I used to go to everyone with my problems, but, have learned NOTHING I say or do helps. So, I digress to the disease and am working on me!
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:35 PM
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Oh my goodness this post could have been me six years ago.

I can't make any promises about him or the relationship. I know that you can get better though.

Al-anon really really helped me. It took a lot for me to go, but now my only regret about it is that I did not go earlier.

There is a saying in Al-anon known as the Three C's
You did not CAUSE IT
You cannot CONTROL IT and
You cannot CURE IT.

Watching my loved ones actions instead of what he told me really helped me.

I read a lot about the disease, and tried to be as gentle with myself as I could.

More will be along soon.
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:35 PM
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I just wish there was someone I could talk to that understands. I hate this alone feeling. I need to know how people live with this. I'm not ready to give up and leave. I love him. I just really need advice in how to deal and make this more bearable.
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:38 PM
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Hopeless, sweetie, just keep reading. It is a question of HOW you want to live YOUR life, not how you want to live your life THROUGH him. It is hard to let go of the denial. I found this forum, the most helpful thing in my world to help me understand the very dysfunctional relationship that has become my life.
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:41 PM
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Dear hopeless, welcome to the SR family, we are glad to have you here, please get yourself to al-anon and read the stickies at the top of the page as well as the stories from thousands who have walked this same road you are on now.

In my opinion it is unlikely to get better before it gets much worse, unles he acknowledges he has a problem and commits 110% to solving that problem, you are in for a long hard slog if you decide to stick this out.

You did not cause his drinking problem and nothing you do can fix it!

Please know this is a wonderful place with people who want to be there for you and want to listen, you need a shoulder or a hug, I will be there for you.

Best of luck to you,

Bill
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:45 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You are not alone. We understand and we are here to support you.

You have found an excellent source of information and support. There are permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of the forum page. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom from members that have walked the same path you are now walking.

I will share links for two of my favorite posts. One is for information about alcoholism and one contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism.

This is the one with information about alcohol addiction. It is a link that contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence". That book explained to me how alcohol is a chemical that penetrates every cell of the alcoholics body. That is how they become addicted mentally and physically to the drug.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

This is the link to steps that helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:45 PM
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Thanks Bill and everyone else. I need shoulders and just some sort of support. I mean like right now he's passed out while I sit here and cry and pray that I can make it work.
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Old 12-07-2011, 07:47 PM
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Hopeless,

Big bear hug to you,

You do not need to do this alone, I will be out here at least another two hours tonight, if you want to talk then I will listen.

Bill
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Old 12-07-2011, 08:39 PM
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I understand. I'm in a somewhat similar situation with an ABF and I know the pain that can come with loving someone who is self-destructing.

And sadly, we can't stop them. But can stop ourselves from self-destructing.

As for me, I'm going to therapy (and finding it so helpful). I'm reading Co Dependent No More. I'm setting boundaries (leaving when he has been drinking, etc). I can't say everything is better. I'm not sure anything is better where he is concerned. But I am feeling a bit better about me and a bit more in control of my life.
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Old 12-08-2011, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Hopeless4now View Post
To be honest, I'm not sure what I even understand about the disease.
Get your hands on a copy of "Under the Influence" and start reading.
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Old 12-08-2011, 10:11 AM
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Hi hopeless4now, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found this place. I hope you keep coming back for support.

After reading your initial post, I see some conflicting statements. First there's this:
Originally Posted by Hopeless4now View Post
I love him anyway. (snip)

I mean I truly love him with all my heart. (snip)

I want to have a future with him.
And then there's this:

Originally Posted by Hopeless4now View Post
My life is a wreck. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's had 3 DUIs and is continuously making irresponsible choices.
(snip)
Now it seems that I live with him my life is going down.
(snip)
He gives me empty promises.
(snip)
I feel like I can't leave but it seems self-destructive to stay.
(snip)
He shuts me out so much when it comes to his drinking.
(snip)
I would love to go to Al-anon but I feel like I can't trust him to leave him alone long enough to go.
(snip)
I make deals and I try to bargain but it never seems to get better or work.
(snip)
I feel so alone and hopeless.
So, there's this love you have for him, which I don't doubt (but I wonder what exactly you love about him), and then there are the broken promises, the lack of support and communication, feeling trapped, attempts at negotiation that fail...

Seems like it's time to take an honest look at who is invested in making the relationship work and who isn't.

I do hope you go to Al-Anon and continue reading here. You'll learn to take the focus off him, what he does or says, and start looking at the one person you can affect: YOU.

Keep coming back! Keep reading and posting as much as you like. SR is always open.
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Old 12-08-2011, 10:42 AM
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Welcome Hopeless, you are in a place where everyone understands what you are going through as we are all there or have been through it. I'm not going to offer advice on what you should be doing but I will share some information and experience.

A couple of saying you will see around here. "Let go or be dragged" and "Alcoholics don't have relationships they take hostages".

My experience of being married to an alcoholic for 36 years is that it will just get worse. And as it got worse I was just drug down with it. There was nothing I could do to get her to stop drinking or stop the pills or stop the toxic behavior. I had no control over her and since I turned my life over to making her better I had no control over my life. I ended up in a very dark and ugly place.

Luckily I found this site and this site lead me to al-anon. In both of these places I met people who had been where I was and turned their lives around. Some with their alcoholics and some with out. By going to al-anon and reading and posting here, a lot, I got better as well. I now have a recovery program for me and it works. I am centered and happy and content. My life is worth living again and I am spending time living it. If you look around the site you will find a lot of other people just like me who have changed their lives and are working a recovery.

I would strongly recommend going to Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the friends and family of alcoholics and will teach you how to focus on your self and work your recovery. It is not for the alcoholic nor is it for you to help the alcoholic to stop drinking. It is for you.

Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Your friend,
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Old 12-08-2011, 01:23 PM
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I wish I could tell you thinks get better, but at least in my personal experience they don't. When I first came to realize my boyfriends problem I did everything I could to support him and try to help. 2.5 years later and 2 rehab facilities the emotional toil has torn me apart and damaged our relationship beyond repair. I have realized I will always love him, he is my best friend and I will do whatever I can to help him but he is not stable, reliable, and to mentally unhealthy to be in a true relationship right now. Drinking is an addiction but it is also a choice, this is something I can not make for him and honestly what made me realize all of this was one day I told him he was acting like a child and it hit me I was acting like a mom. I was no longer the girlfriend, companion, or friend ... I was his babysitter.
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Old 12-08-2011, 01:57 PM
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Thanks everyone for your insight and support. It really does mean alot. Its nice to know there are people who have been right where I am. I do realize that my statements are conflicting. My feelings are conflicting...the way I am treated is conflicting. He says he loves me and when he's sober he shows me that. We have the best time together. We make each other life and smile. I have been to Al-anon I just felt out of place. Everyone was older. I felt like they had forgotten what it was like when they started out. Are there al-anon groups online? Are ones specifically for younger people or people who don't have much experience with alcoholism?

Does anyone here know....does it get better? Is there a hope for a life together? Am I stupid and/or blind for staying and trying to make it work? It just seems everyone I talk to says to leave him.

He's not physically abusive. He's not verbally abusive. I am sure some of the ways are life seem to go due to his alcoholism may be considered emotionally abusive.

I've tried therapy on my own. My therapist just told me we both sounded like good people in a bad situation.

I want some light in all the darkness. I want a story of it working out for someone. I need tips. I am sure I am doing it all wrong and probably not helping are situation.
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Old 12-08-2011, 04:34 PM
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I don't see how it can get better unless he gets sober and actively participates in a recovery program. It WILL get worse if he doesn't, as you already know it is a progressive disease. It doesn't just 'go away' all by itself one day. There's certainly hope for a life together but it all depends on what kind of life you want it to be. I know of quite a few happy healthy success stories -none of whom though are still in active addiction. I would continue to go to the alanon meetings. Even if they are older they do have the experience and this is where you will get the tips for dealing with this. Maybe try another meeting in a different local if this one doesn't seem to fit you.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:29 PM
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You can try al-anon online and you might try a few different meetings to see if you could find one with a younger group, you should be able to find a list of all the meeting locations on the al-anon website.

My biggest concern with your boyfriend is the drunk driving, if he wants to sit at home and drink that is one thing, but he could maim or kill an innocent person, what are you going to do when he ends up in jail, are you going to post his bail and pay his lawyers fees?

As we have said before you did not cause it, you cannot fix it, it's not your problem.
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Old 12-09-2011, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Hopeless4now View Post
the way I am treated is conflicting. He says he loves me and when he's sober he shows me that.
Don't you deserve to be treated with respect and love ALL the time, not just when your partner decides to be sober?

Originally Posted by Hopeless4now View Post
Does anyone here know....does it get better? Is there a hope for a life together? Am I stupid and/or blind for staying and trying to make it work? It just seems everyone I talk to says to leave him.
How do you imagine it could get better if he does not, of his own accord, hit bottom and work to find recovery for himself? Knowing that you simply have no power to "make" him find recovery, what other choice do you have but step back, whether emotionally or literally, let him do what he's going to do (which he'll do ANYWAY), and ask yourself if you are getting everything you want and deserve out of this relationship.

I speak from experience; I started a relationship "at the bottom of the hill", so to speak, and tried to fight my way back up, to get to that semblance of normal.

In the end, it never worked. I did not have the power to make my XAH give up the booze, or change his way of dealing with life. He'd been that way before me, and now that we're divorced, he's continuess to be that way.

I'd also like to point out that alcoholism is a disease, a progressive one, that if left untreated ends in death. That's it. No amount of begging, pleading, manipulating, threatening, ultimatums will change that.

As for being "stupid/naive" for staying...please stop that right now. There's no need to berate yourself. You are where you are because it's where you need to be...It's all part of your journey. If and when you decide to leave, it'll be when you're ready and you've hit your own bottom.

Originally Posted by Hopeless4now View Post
I want some light in all the darkness. I want a story of it working out for someone.
I know honey. I came to SR looking for the same thing: a magic pill to make all my problems go away...a solution to divorce Mr. Hyde from Dr. Jekyll...Sadly, there is no way to separate the two. They are one and the same person.

You CAN find some light in your darkness. It may not be the light you expect, but there is some. Start by checking out other Al-Anon meetings. Check out the F&F online meetings on SR. Reading Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie...as for your counsellor, remember that not all counsellors are specialized in addiction. It might be wise to find someone who understands the complex dynamics of living with an active alcoholic.

Keep posting. SR is always here!
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Old 12-09-2011, 06:24 AM
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I was in the same boat as you w my ex. The simple answer yet hardest thing to do was leave. Unfortunately, an alcoholic can only change if THEY want to. I know because I am one as well. And if losing the ones they love doesn't stop them from drinking it will have to be some other rock bottom. Take care of yourself and all else will fall into place ((hugs))
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Old 12-09-2011, 06:48 AM
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Hi Hopeless,

Welcome to SR! Here you will get a lot of feedback from posters who are only able to respond to what little you reveal to us in your posts. Obviously your situation is a lot more complex than a few paragraphs on a website.

Take what you want/need and leave the rest.

Here is my experience, strength and hope... given in love but also truth which can "feel" harsh.

You seem to be "locked" right now between your head (common sense brain signals telling you of the danger) and your emotions (brain chemicals and hormones creating "feelings" of what you believe to be "romantic love".)

Our brains and our bodies are highly complex and do not always work together for the same goals and your circuits are well... short circuiting... your brain and hormones are literally freaking out right now. Understanding the tidal waves of emotion and fear that you are feeling are based on these chemicals and hormones will hopefully comfort you in the hardest times. THEY WILL PASS in time if you choose to remove yourself from the source of your stress ... the one who is or was passed out when not out endangering the world driving drunk or manipulating your emotions in order to enable above irresponsible behaviors.

You are the beginning of a path that will be difficult my dear ... loving or at least believing you love an alcoholic on a destructive path is so very, very painful. I know I lived it for years and years and years!

But you do have choices! Knowledge is power... so please read, read, read, read! and then read some more. Read this board, the stickies and the posts. Read Under the Influence and Codependent No More. PLEASE go to Alanon! Read some more!

Understanding the battle before you will help you win the battle!

As for your therapist. If you haven't fired her or him yet please do so! Find a therapist who knows and understands addiction! Visit as often as you can with someone living breathing and that can help you navigate the ocean of your emotions.

Please, please do not enable your man to drink and drive. You will feel terrible if you are supporting him in any way that could set the stage for him to kill or maim an innocent.

I have seen this so many,many times. He will go to prison for decades and you will be emotionally scarred for life. If you are supporting him by paying billls and enabling him to use his money for car payments and booze ... please stop.

You can only raise the bottom by not encouraging his bad decision making and bad behaviors.

I don't want to get too hard on a message board but I really, really do care about you even though we don't know eachother in the flesh. Feelings are just that... feelings... real love is when we admire someone's depth of character and ability to love and care for us BACK!

Talk to your brain and your chemicals and refuse to give in to feelings... empower your brain girl! You are smart... you are capable...you are WOMAN! You can do it!

Come back and talk to us. We do care!
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