I'm scared.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
I'm scared.
Just got off the phone with stbx Ah and after he asked the kids if they were mad at him, if I'd been saying bad things about him, and if I'd been telling them not to call him, he wanted to give me a hard time for taking care of the kids. He asked why I was doing all "these cool mommy things that you didn't do when I was there" um, because if we so much as farted you'd yell and act like a jerk, maybe? Asked me if I had heard from legal aid about a lawyer and I told him I had and that they denied my case and he got pissed and started yelling about how he'd had to now pay for his and my lawyer, etc. I wanted to tell him to take a hike, but I didn't. I really told him that I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to that way and if he didn't stop I'd hang up the phone, he kept at it and I finally said goodbye.
I am all alone in the middle of nowhere, the roads are a mess because of snow and I am trapped here with the kids. He has the 4 wheel drive and I'm scared he'll come and give me a hard time. He still has a key, too. Even if I called 911 if he came, it'd be at minimum 25 minutes until they got here.
Did I do the right thing by hanging up on him? He also accused me of taking his paycheck, which I told him I'd left on his desk at the office. He hasn't been to the office since Friday when he came in late, missed an important appointment and stunk like last night's bender. (we work together and I refuse to leave because I need the money now) I did take $140 out of the joint account because he promised there'd be a certain amount of money in the account and there wasn't, there was almost nothing so I did what I'd never do and took it out of the bank so I'd have money to feed the kids in case he didn't pay the bills. He hasn't paid the car payment and it's late, too.
I'm scared he's going to find out and flip out. He's been funneling money out of the joint account for two weeks now and even opened up his own account. I told him it was illegal and he laughed at me.
I will call my lawyer tomorrow and hire him, my parents are paying for it, but he's going to be livid when he finds out I took that money.
I'm so scared I did the wrong thing and he's going to come up here.
I am all alone in the middle of nowhere, the roads are a mess because of snow and I am trapped here with the kids. He has the 4 wheel drive and I'm scared he'll come and give me a hard time. He still has a key, too. Even if I called 911 if he came, it'd be at minimum 25 minutes until they got here.
Did I do the right thing by hanging up on him? He also accused me of taking his paycheck, which I told him I'd left on his desk at the office. He hasn't been to the office since Friday when he came in late, missed an important appointment and stunk like last night's bender. (we work together and I refuse to leave because I need the money now) I did take $140 out of the joint account because he promised there'd be a certain amount of money in the account and there wasn't, there was almost nothing so I did what I'd never do and took it out of the bank so I'd have money to feed the kids in case he didn't pay the bills. He hasn't paid the car payment and it's late, too.
I'm scared he's going to find out and flip out. He's been funneling money out of the joint account for two weeks now and even opened up his own account. I told him it was illegal and he laughed at me.
I will call my lawyer tomorrow and hire him, my parents are paying for it, but he's going to be livid when he finds out I took that money.
I'm so scared I did the wrong thing and he's going to come up here.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You did the right thing!
You stated your boundary - if he continued the verbal abuse you would hang up.
He chose to test the boundary. You said goodbye and ended the conversation. Good on you.
He may still be sitting there with his bottom jaw in his lap.
You stated your boundary - if he continued the verbal abuse you would hang up.
He chose to test the boundary. You said goodbye and ended the conversation. Good on you.
He may still be sitting there with his bottom jaw in his lap.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
After 11 years of coddling him and kissing his hind end, he's not taking this new me very well. I don't even know where he's staying. My poor kids miss him so much but he calls them once a week and expects us all to bow and scrape because he's called. Ugh. My parents are coming on the 20th, I hope I can keep him away that long so then I'll at least have someone here so I feel safe again. I can't afford to buy new doorknobs to change the locks. They're those stupid kind with the handle that cost like $100. He'd better stay away.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
food for thought:
get those locks changed!
get a No Contact Order (talk to the County Attorney at the Court House - to the best of my knowledge, this is free of charge)
call the Highway Patrol and just talk to them about your concerns - chances are that it would be them and not the city police that would respond to a call - they'd prob'ly be closer - and it might ease your mind a bit - as well as give them a heads up -
personally, i think you did the right thing - setting a boundry + following it thru (hanging up)! that's hard to do - GOOD JOB!
Blue
ps. imho - that money is YOURS too!
get those locks changed!
get a No Contact Order (talk to the County Attorney at the Court House - to the best of my knowledge, this is free of charge)
call the Highway Patrol and just talk to them about your concerns - chances are that it would be them and not the city police that would respond to a call - they'd prob'ly be closer - and it might ease your mind a bit - as well as give them a heads up -
personally, i think you did the right thing - setting a boundry + following it thru (hanging up)! that's hard to do - GOOD JOB!
Blue
ps. imho - that money is YOURS too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
Here is a trick I learned from my brother from his divorce. He couldn't get out to the hardware store to buy new locks, so he took the one to the back door and switched it for the front. They looked identical. When she came, the neighbors said she put the key in the lock and when it didn't work, she left. She called and told him off for changing the locks. Lmao
So if you are handy (it's not hard to switch them out) that might buy a little time until you can get new ones. If you have good friends or know someone who does construction, maybe they would swap with you.. Do you have door chains for when you are home?
So if you are handy (it's not hard to switch them out) that might buy a little time until you can get new ones. If you have good friends or know someone who does construction, maybe they would swap with you.. Do you have door chains for when you are home?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Fowlplay,
You can have the tumbers changed on your locks for very little money, they just replace the little inserts in the lock itself, you can have it done at a locksmith or at most hardware stores, if you take them in it should not cost more than a few dollars each, I would have a locksmith come out ASAP.
You need to have a plan should he show up, keep your cell phone with you at all times, do you have a way to defend yourself and your kids, pepper spray, bat , firearm?
Pepper spray would be ideal as it would be a non lethal option (I would recommend the Kimber pepper blaster for its range and effectiveness) that would allow you to escape and call the police.
Is you garage locked, is your phone box on the outside of your house padlocked, do you have an alarm system, the police will give you a free security check and advise you of anything that needs too be upgraded.
Bluemoon is right, you should get with the local police, sheriff, and highway patrol, give them a description of his vehicles, license numbers, what he looks like etc. and tell them "I am scared of him, please patrol near my home as often as possible".
I hope it all works out ok, best of luck to you,
Bill
You can have the tumbers changed on your locks for very little money, they just replace the little inserts in the lock itself, you can have it done at a locksmith or at most hardware stores, if you take them in it should not cost more than a few dollars each, I would have a locksmith come out ASAP.
You need to have a plan should he show up, keep your cell phone with you at all times, do you have a way to defend yourself and your kids, pepper spray, bat , firearm?
Pepper spray would be ideal as it would be a non lethal option (I would recommend the Kimber pepper blaster for its range and effectiveness) that would allow you to escape and call the police.
Is you garage locked, is your phone box on the outside of your house padlocked, do you have an alarm system, the police will give you a free security check and advise you of anything that needs too be upgraded.
Bluemoon is right, you should get with the local police, sheriff, and highway patrol, give them a description of his vehicles, license numbers, what he looks like etc. and tell them "I am scared of him, please patrol near my home as often as possible".
I hope it all works out ok, best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Joint account - means your's and his > Until those attorney papers are drawn up, it is a joint account. My lawyer advised me to do whatever I needed to before the papers got filed into the court system.
* My thoughts: Who gives a ratsass what he thinks? YOU have children to feed....
You gotta do, what ya gotta do....
Lock - yes, call a locksmith, they can re-key your entire house and it's very inexpensive. If you cant afford that, like I couldnt at the time. I moved couches, dressers, hutches in front of my doors.
Police - yes, contact them. Go meet with them personally if you can. I did and they circled my house all thru out the night. I gave them his vehicle description along with his license plate number and his normal driving route (drunk vs sober route). I told them where he worked, where he drank and what stores he purchased booze. The police contacted the next county and gave them heads up.
I told the police what vehicles "might" be in my driveway, with what county plates, color of them too. I told them what time I go to bed and when I usually get home.
Misc Things: I informed all of my neighbors and close friends
I even had my closes friends on stand by in the middle of the night.
I kept a cell phone fully charged at ALL times
I kept a camera handy, just in case
I kept a duffle bag of clothes hidden under the seat of my vehicle
I kept atleast $20 bucks, hidden in the vehicle too, just in case I ever
needed gas. I tried to keep my vehicle full of gas at all times.
I hid the extra set of keys and I went to sleep with my keys under my pillow
along with my cell phone.
Lights - yes, I kept lights on everynight, but not where I couldnt see who was pulling in the driveway.
*DO NOT* let any of this scare you, let it prepare you...When your scared, you will not think rationally. Get PREPARED!!!! Then you will make the right decisions!!!
Have you thought about, taking some money out of your "joint account" and packing up the kids and going on a mini vacation to your parents, like tomorrow afternoon????????
Dont tell him Squat, about what your doing or what your thinking........
#1 Is your safety.....worry about divorce some other day!!
* My thoughts: Who gives a ratsass what he thinks? YOU have children to feed....
You gotta do, what ya gotta do....
Lock - yes, call a locksmith, they can re-key your entire house and it's very inexpensive. If you cant afford that, like I couldnt at the time. I moved couches, dressers, hutches in front of my doors.
Police - yes, contact them. Go meet with them personally if you can. I did and they circled my house all thru out the night. I gave them his vehicle description along with his license plate number and his normal driving route (drunk vs sober route). I told them where he worked, where he drank and what stores he purchased booze. The police contacted the next county and gave them heads up.
I told the police what vehicles "might" be in my driveway, with what county plates, color of them too. I told them what time I go to bed and when I usually get home.
Misc Things: I informed all of my neighbors and close friends
I even had my closes friends on stand by in the middle of the night.
I kept a cell phone fully charged at ALL times
I kept a camera handy, just in case
I kept a duffle bag of clothes hidden under the seat of my vehicle
I kept atleast $20 bucks, hidden in the vehicle too, just in case I ever
needed gas. I tried to keep my vehicle full of gas at all times.
I hid the extra set of keys and I went to sleep with my keys under my pillow
along with my cell phone.
Lights - yes, I kept lights on everynight, but not where I couldnt see who was pulling in the driveway.
*DO NOT* let any of this scare you, let it prepare you...When your scared, you will not think rationally. Get PREPARED!!!! Then you will make the right decisions!!!
Have you thought about, taking some money out of your "joint account" and packing up the kids and going on a mini vacation to your parents, like tomorrow afternoon????????
Dont tell him Squat, about what your doing or what your thinking........
#1 Is your safety.....worry about divorce some other day!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is very scary.
From this point on, do not talk directly to him. Once you get a lawyer, that is the lawyer's job.
File whatever papers are necessary to get him to support his children. If he chooses to abandon the business so he doesn't have to pay, if he collects unemployment that can be garnished if/when he is found in arrears. His tax refund can be seized as well, both federal and state.
Get the ball rolling, the sooner the better. I know you are scared right now and that can be paralyzing. This is what many manipulative people count on. I understand your fear - my XAH tried to put me in fear many ways, many times. Keep your mind on the time when you will look him in the eyes with only pity and not fear - that time is coming. Work for it. Keep yourself busy, get food in the house. Call the local police and tell them exactly what is happening and ask them for advice. The police are consulted on many things and making them aware of what is going on is to your advantage. They might even know someone who can cut you a deal on the locks if you need that.
If nothing else, can you borrow a bunch of bells for the door? That way, if he tries to get in, at least you will have some lead time.
From this point on, do not talk directly to him. Once you get a lawyer, that is the lawyer's job.
File whatever papers are necessary to get him to support his children. If he chooses to abandon the business so he doesn't have to pay, if he collects unemployment that can be garnished if/when he is found in arrears. His tax refund can be seized as well, both federal and state.
Get the ball rolling, the sooner the better. I know you are scared right now and that can be paralyzing. This is what many manipulative people count on. I understand your fear - my XAH tried to put me in fear many ways, many times. Keep your mind on the time when you will look him in the eyes with only pity and not fear - that time is coming. Work for it. Keep yourself busy, get food in the house. Call the local police and tell them exactly what is happening and ask them for advice. The police are consulted on many things and making them aware of what is going on is to your advantage. They might even know someone who can cut you a deal on the locks if you need that.
If nothing else, can you borrow a bunch of bells for the door? That way, if he tries to get in, at least you will have some lead time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
You said your parents were going to give you the money for a lawyer
Would it be a thought, to use the money to go stay with them instead
of using it on lawyer?
Would it be a thought, to call the Domestic Violence Hotline today?
Would it be a thought, to use the money to go stay with them instead
of using it on lawyer?
Would it be a thought, to call the Domestic Violence Hotline today?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
The money is yours too, don't worry about pissing him off by taking it, because no matter what you do he's going to be mad. Take care of you and your kids. He's going to try and bully you about the money and attempt to make you feel like nothing, so be ready to be strong and stand up for yourself.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
While exabf lived with me, I became an expert door lock changer. I could change a lock in less than 15 min...now I think back on it..how crazy is that.
He has been gone over 3 years and I have not had to change the locks since.
He has been gone over 3 years and I have not had to change the locks since.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Earth... mostly
Posts: 43
Great advice from your friends here. Thanks to all. I pray that you are in a safe place and that you and the children are OK. I vote to bail out now and go to your parents and get the love, support and protection that you all need now.
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