kiki5711

Just when I thought things were getting better I got a call from my older daughter that my younger daughter (two years younger, they're 25, and 23) is drinking herself to such a drunken stupor at her new boyfriend's house that she's all over other girls boyfriends, and don't even remember having sex with the wrong guy, who she thought was her boyfriend.

THis sucks big time. The younger daughter just got a promotion at the bank and seems like things are going good for her, then this news!

WTF, do they want from me. I had to take 2 xanax to calm myself down.

I'm sick of their ****. I don't want to hear any more f-..d up stories.

Of course, now I'm going to have to go do some detective work to see what is really the truth and "make some threats" such as, I know where you are, I know one of the guys (her boyfriends's cousing) just came out of jail for selling pot, so I'm going to confront them with a little thing called: "I know how to use the phone, and I know where you live".

Then leave it at that.

And if I find out that what she's been doing is the truth, I'll tell her what a stupid s. head she is and to.. the hell away from me.

Heartbroken0608

I've re-read this in one of the stickies when I feel the need to dive in and get involved in a situation that is not my situation. Hope it helps you.



What is detachment?
Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

eyeswideshut1

Kiki, this must be terribly stressful! It prob wouldn't hurt to try to take a few deep breaths and detach a little before you decide how you will react to this news. This made me think about my relationship with my own sister and mother. I grew up with a sister two years younger than me, and we have always had sibling rivalry issues, and I remember that we used to report on each other's bad behavior to my mother just to get on her good side! Maybe your older daughter is acting out of concern, or maybe she has other motivations, too. In any case, I wonder if it's really going to help you maintain your serenity to have one telling you about the other's misdeeds. You might want to consider dealing more directly with your younger daughter instead of dealing with her via her sister. Or you might consider detaching from the situation even more and deciding that they will have to make their own decisions, and mistakes, about drugs and alcohol. At their age, it's pretty hard to stop them from doing their thing! Anyway, I hope you will be able to find some serenity by breathing deeply and taking some time to figure out the best response to the situation!

JustAYak

I know it's hard, but don't ever say that to your daughter. You will only regret it later and you actually have no idea how she feels right now and I am sure she feels guilty as hell (though she won't let it show) and telling her she's a "stupid shxt head" will only throw her into further internal turmoil.

I hope you find a way to detach instead of playing investigator...

kiki5711

Thank you all. Just last night when my younger daughter was giving me a ride home from work, she spoke to her sister on the phone as if nothing was wrong, they talked about my grandaughter in school and it all seemed ok.

What "made up/or true" lies have taken place within the last 24 hrs?

I do have a feeling there's some truth and some made up over exagerated story to this.

I am learning how to set boundaries more and more since being in rehab myself over a year ago, and it's been good, but then comes another challange.

Thanks for reminding me of that.

What bugs me is that my older daughter, when she called to tell me all this says: "I'm not letting Lexy (my grandaughter) come over TO SEE ME on weekends any more because of that **** (her sister) that's livinig with you still.

Always using my grandaughter as a hostage to her drama. That's what really gets me.

steve1840

kiki-

i do not know the full story of your daughters, but before you react, try thinking if I wrote this thread what you would tell me. I understand this is your daughter, but some of the same principles have to apply.
maybe tell them not to tell you any stories about this kind of stuff. maybe you have done that already, i dont know. but calling her this and that does no more than me saying that to my alo.

sorry, i know this has to be very hard to deal with

kiki5711

thank you steve, I've missed you!

I'm slowly disengaging from their drama, but when my grandaughter is used as a hostage telling me that I can't see her because of something that's happening outside of my home hits me like a brick. I love my grandaughter so much and my older daughter always uses her to punish me for something her sister did.

I'll let you all know what "story" I hear from younger daughter when she gives me a ride home tonight.

steve1840

ok. i missed being here but needed some space from everything....but a new thread to follow

dollydo

I may have missed the reason, so I will ask...Why is your 23 year old living with you?

kiki5711

My younger daughter is still living with me because for the past two years she hasn't been able to get promoted to full time at the bank she works for and couldn't live on her own. Also in the past three years she and her sister have gone through some serious ****, (while not giving **** about me) and I had to tell one of them (the one causing more serious problems, (the older one) to take a hike and under no circumstances come back. That's the one with the 5 yr old daughter. I came to the point many times where I told her if she don't get her sh...it together, that I will take my g/daughter away from her legally and ask for child support. I wasn't going to let her get away with a free irresponsible life while I take on the burden. Not that my grandaughter is a burden, but her mother should know that SHE is responsible for her child and she will not dump her responsibility on me or anyone else.

She, the older one, is also more agressive and loud and disrespectful and angry, has major anger issues, and I've threatened her many times if she don't straighten up, I'll call the psych ward to take her away and take my grandaughter from her, and make her pay child support. I wanted to make it CLEAR to her that she's was NOT going to ditch her responsibility.

The younger one is more quiet in nature, although very sneaky and a lier. She just finally got promoted to full time. It will be not long before the door will be opened to her to move out as well.

You're all very right when you say, "what business of mine is their sex life". I don't go out of my way to stress about it, except when my grandaughter is somehow used as a tool to suck me in to it.

Last night I got the other side of the story from the younger one and realized (I'm too embarrased to tell you what really happened, or at least what she said happend) I realized that I'm removing myself from this cra...p. The threat of not seeing my grandaughter because the sister lives here is a bunch of bull and I'm not going to pay attention to it any more.

You're right when you say they like to tell stories about each other to me to make themselves look better than the other one. I'm really sick of them both and I am just concerned that my grandaughter is being properly taken care of, but I'm not going to get sucked in to their drama.

OwlFeathers

******** KIKI}}}}}}}}} hugs to you. It is so hard to deal with that kinda crap from the ones we gave birth to and love with all our hearts and would lie down in the middle of the freckin interstate for and die for because thats how much we love them.

Heartbroken, thanks, I am printing that out.

Ann

Kiki, it's times like this I think of an analogy CatsPajamas uses often..."If it's outside my hula hoop, it doesn't belong to me". Picture your hula hoop around you and then look around, you'll see what she means.

What matters here is what works for you. Obviously this whole arrangement does not. Kiki, she can take care of herself and her child if she really wants to. If her living with you draws you into her life and triggers you, then that's unhealthy for both of you.

Maybe give some thought to letting go, whether she continues to live there or not. Declare your daughters free to make their own choices...even bad ones just like you and I made before we learned. Then step back and grab your hula hoop and make your own world pretty once more.

Hugs

kiki5711

Thanks everyone!

Ann, the older one with the daughter does not live with me since almost over a year. She had brought hell on earth when she did live here and my husband insisted she leaves and is not allowed back under any circumstances. It broke my heart mostly because I was extremely concerned if my grandaughter was being taken care of properly and not living in a stressful environment.

That's when I started doing my "boundary" thing. One day at a time. I learned how empowering it is to do this "boundary" thing, emotionally and physically. It really takes time to learn, but the rewards are super. Every time she came up with a new drama and threatened that I would not see my grandaugter again if I don't do what she wants, I started to fight back.

I told her then, that if I ever see that my grandaughter is not being taken care of, that I WILL take her away from her, and SHE is the one that will not see her, and WILL pay me child support.

Her threats to me became less and less cause she knows once I had enough, I will act on my threat.

This is now outside of my "hula hoop".