Heartbroken0608

What is the line between detachment and avoidance? I've had a terrible day today. On my drive into work my husband called to tell me all the things my son has been writing on facebook (I had removed myself as a friend so I would not see his updates. He also has checked my sons email account and was telling me stuff that was on there too. I must have said 10 times (quite forcefully) that I did NOT want to hear any of it, especially on my drive into work, probably should have hung up but I didn't. My husband got really upset with me and told me I HAD to hear this and that he thought I should call my Son. Apparently my son made a comment on facebook that life was not worth living. So now my husband feels I should call and make sure he is OK (because husband is "done" with the situation and is not going to get involved at all). I don't think I should, I think it's probably a good thing that he's feeling some pain in all this but if, God forbid, he takes his own life and I didn't even take a couple minutes to pick up the phone and let him know I loved him how could I live with myself? I'm also really mad at my husband. He doesn't want to deal with any of this but can't keep away from it either. He went out of his way to see this facebook post (my husband is not a facebook user, he has an account set up that only has my son as a friend), didn't want to carry the burden so gave it to me to carry and then wiped his hands of it. that's not fair.

so.. my question... how do I tell the difference between detaching and merely burying my head in the sand because I can't deal with all this? Is there a distinction?? Is there a circumstance where I should take action? The way I look at it my son knows I love him, he knows if he wants help I will be there for him. He knows my phone number. The last conversation we had... after I told him I would not get an apartment for him he was done with the conversation -- I wasn't doing what he wanted so he had no further use for me. I think the next move has to be his.

As for my husband.. he doesn't even want to hear that I'm going to therapy or the meetings -- he knows I am but doesn't ask or anything and pretends I was just out getting my nails done or something. He doesn't want to try to be part of the solution .. and I know I can't change that about him and am OK with doing this work on my own.. but DAMN IT... don't interfere with the very fragile hold I have on this detachment thing!!!! sigh

thanks for listening...

Ann

If he refuses to be part of the solution, then he becomes part of the problem.

Your detachment from your son is a healthy thing for you, your husband needs to respect that. Make it clear (by hanging up, walking away, or whatever you need to do) that you have detached and if he wants to snoop then you are not going to listen....then don't. Don't listen, don't comment and don't react, no matter how hard that is. That's why walking away is a good idea, it gives you both time to cool down.

Your husband sounds very codependent too. Oh he may say he's washed his hands of this, but indeed he dives right in and his actions belie his words.

I know this is hard, I went through it with my own son. Trust me when I say that your son knows that you love him and that just has to be enough because more than that will take you down with him.

Our sons will use or not use, overdose or not overdose, get arrested or not get arrested no matter what we do. We can't stop them and we can't make them, we can just grab our own life jacket of recovery and hope one day he reaches out for his.

Hugs

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Heartbroken, I feel your pain. During our dark days in the last six months, my husband had NOTHING to do with our son, everything was on my shoulders. AS was in jail for some time, and in September, he wrote a letter that had some disturbing things in it similar to the "life is not worth living" comment. He stated he would never have contact with us again and he did not believe he could succeed in rehab. I do believe that young people say things like that comment all the time on Facebook, so I wouldn't put too much emphasis on that. You are working hard at YOUR recovery, you provided your son with an option which he was not inclined to accept. You now can let him decide how he lives his life. Your husband not wanting to know how therapy and meetings going sounds like he is afraid to ask since he is in denial that he has a problem. That is my husband to a tee. Hang in there, your son knows you love him and if/when he is ready and sick and tired of being sick/tired, that is the time he will reach out.
Hugs,
Teresa

Heartbroken0608

Thank you all for your comments. Hubby is codependent in that he can't leave the situation alone he has always been the one conducting searches, Checking phone logs, etc but then would dump the "evidence" in my lap and tell me I had to handle it (and later would criticize me for not handling it correctly). So in the process of trying to detach from my son I'm also trying to detatch from being the one in the family (immediate and extended) who is the "fixer". I can't continue fixing things for everyone else, i don't even know who I am anymore and I'm not very good at it anyway!

When I got home from work I got a text from hubby saying he was going out. He'll come home late acting like nothing happened or needs discussing and will just hope I forget about the incident this morning (as is usually the case). I'm not going to allow that. I'm going to make him listen to me (just chuckled over the "make him" statement.. Guess I don't have as good a handle on this powerlessness as I think I do!)... Ok, am going to try to explain to him some of the principles I've learned and tell him he doesn't have to agree with me but he has to respect my choices and not drag me into his obsession with knowing what my son is up to. Like cynical one said, if he's concerned he can call, keep me out of it.

Thanks again for helping me process this. If it wasn't for this board I would have been upset about this for days but I already feel better after reading just these few comments!

Ann

Addiction is truly a family disease, it takes its toll on everyone.

Take care of you, maybe one day soon your husband will take care of him too. He sounds much like my husband who used to like to hide behind me telling me what I "should" or "shouldn't" do. I began ignoring him, not rudely, just paid him and his instructions no never-mind and he stopped doing that...most of the time, lol.

You'll be fine, and when you're not we're all here to walk with you a while.

Hugs

wellnowwhat

Sounds like your recovery is doing fine. Look at you setting healthy boundries for you!

I hope your husband seeks his own recovery, and respects yours.

dollydo

You are moving in the right direction, keep working on you.

I agree with Ann, she has covered all the bases.

Sending support your way.

sojourner

Your beginning recovery is to find the sanity that you lost. (As in Steps 1, 2, and 3). After you have gotten some sanity back, your angle on how you see things will change and so the answer to your question (detachment or sticking head in sand) will be more evident to you.

You are right. Your husband has not detached at all - he's still in the muck of it. For the time being, until your husband actually hears you, would it be helpful to hang up on phone calls like he made to you?

Chino

At first, I invited my husband to go with me when he'd start up, and even suggested he find his own therapist. He would be freaking out or ranting about something, and calm as a cucumber, I'd ask "would you like to go to a meeting with me?" When that didn't work, I had to tell my husband several times to stop. When that didn't work, I started telling him "I'm walking away now" and did. That seems to be the only thing that still works to this day, and our daughter is in recovery! I have to take action, after acceptance and awareness of his issues.

I asked my husband the other day if he's always had anxiety and his answer was yes, since he was a kid. We've been together for 27 years and I'm just now learning this. Anyway, now I know where our daughter gets it, as she started having anxiety and panic attacks when she was around 6 years old.

I have a lot of compassion for my daughter, for all she's overcome, and it's been hard at times for me to detach and remember compassion for my husband, too. They are both introverts, too. It was really hard for my daughter to reach out for 'real' help because of that, but it's another obstacle she overcame.

My husband is just now starting to see how much alike he and our daughter are. I'll pray that it leads to healing for him, and I'll pray for healing with your family, too