TakingCharge999

I am going through an introspective phase and wrapping up what I have learned this year -- I have changed a great deal, being more aware no longer to take the doormat/victim role in any area of my life.

The friends I have talked make comments similar to

"you need a man who takes you by the hand, cheers you up, motivates you..." and I am like "hmm it would be great but I don´t NEED that, I can cheer myself up well? wtf?"

"you need to change some habits in regards to your depression"
which habits and which depression???????? I have been depression-free for months now! maybe not forever but I am feeling GREAT/emotionally stable constantly, for the first time ever.

And stuff like that..


So its a little bit unsettling to see how others don´t notice I am a new woman and have been for a while. Perhaps I need to talk to more perceptive people or invest more time in new friends who have no knowledge of my previous codie-depressed life. Anyway I am Out There Doing My Thing and feel some people put me in a box time ago, and still talk to me as if I am there, which bugs me because I notice progress and changes in others.

This bugged me today, can anyone relate?

chronsweet

Hmmmm. I like where you stated that maybe you need to get out and meet some new friends! I don't necessarily think that you need to lose your old ones, but new friends can be exciting and fun and offer a new lease on life. They don't know about all your old ways, the trials and tribulations you have been through.

As far as people telling you things like you need a man who, blah blah blah, I mean do you respond? Do you tell them, Ummmm, I don't think I need a man, I am doing so much better without that in my life? Do you feel like maybe they haven't seen the changes you feel internally? Sometimes after we have been through things such as being with an A, people automatically just associate all the past events with us as a person. It's not fair, but our past defines us, you know.

Can you ask them why they make these remarks and let them know about the progress you have made?

I can't wait until I am where you are, and I am contemplating these things! I am finally asserting myself and although I feel doubt creep in, I am sticking to my guns. Being a pushover isn't fun for me! You're in a good place now.

StarCat

I remember going to high school thinking it was a chance for a new start, but with so many people from elementary school attending the same high school I realized that I was still in the same box as always.
Going away to college everyone wondered what happened to me, because I acted like a very different person than I had when I was at home. They thought I had changed, but it reality I had been changing and growing my whole time home and nobody noticed, they were too busy expecting me to stay the same.

I have friends now who recognize me for who I am, not only now, but as I change and grow through life. I still keep in touch with people who expect me to be a certain someone I once was, certainly, and we'll reminisce about the way things were, but it's easier to be myself around them as well because I already have friends who accept the "new me."

Be yourself, stand up for yourself, find some new friends, and you'll discover that it's easier to be yourself around your old friends, too. You'll also have a chance to check who your friends really are, at that point, by seeing if anyone takes offense to you acting like your new self.


My opinion? This would be setting you up for another unhealthy dynamic, anyway. If a person can't be happy by themselves and must rely upon someone else to "make" them happy, that's not really a relationship.
You're in a very healthy place, to recognize this.

The new man in my life was watching me for months, and didn't even attempt to approach me until it looked like I was in a happier place than I was at the beginning of the year. We've had this discussion, and he says that he's happy to provide me with more reasons to be happy but that he refuses to be held solely responsible for my happiness; I've said I feel the same regarding him and his feelings.
He used to ask me, "Do I make you happy?" I'd always answer, "No. You give me lots of reasons to be happy and I choose to react accordingly."

choublak

If it makes you feel any better...

I have some facebook friends who I went to high school with and haven't seen in years, a lot of them are married now, and have had babies, and they tell me I better hurry up because my time is running out, my biological clock is ticking. Okay, I'm 28, almost 29, and I'm still not sure if I even want kids. And some people have the nerve to tell me I should hurry up and marry and start having kids? GTFO.

I am very happy for friends of mine who have had babies. It's when one of them then tells me, hurry up you'll be 30 soon, that I don't like. Shut up!

NYCDoglvr

Oh yeaaaa, the joy of unsolicited advice from people who think they know what's right for you! Remember, you are changing for yourself and no one else. What others think is irrelevant. Congratulations on your progress!! You inspire us all...

BobbyJ

Here is "MY" hormonal theory on this...

1> Society and Friends, tend to say things like, "Hey are you dating yet?" "You sure deserve someone special". That tends to put the pressure on me, Ummm, like if your single at this age your nobody and there must be something wrong with you, if you are single.

How do I deal with that? ...(Things I say to myself)
A. I like being alone. I realize I have lot's of recovery. I have to learn about me.
I know I have to heal before I can move on and not carry this crap into another relationship. I have to learn to love me. I have adventures that I want to pursue.
I have dreams that I want to follow. I enjoy simple things in life. I have lost trust
in men and I know it will take time for me to heal. I have to heal from denial. I have to learn how to deal with reality. I have to have my head, heart and soul in order, before I am can even think about sharing that with another man.

B. Divorce is one thing - Divorce from a ALCOHOLIC is another story, which most dont understand. I'm LEARNING to just giggle at their comments, because they have no idea..In normal breakups, we didnt have to deal with fear, embrassment, denial, abuse, sneaking, lies, stealing, lazy, manlipuating, haunting memory's, drunk driver, police, ems, bank collectors, lawyers, pissyshittey pants, recovery class, books from the ceiling to the floor, classes, cheating, etc. etc...

C. Then I think about real things, like cleaning up drops of urine off of the toliet seats, or having to cook dinner everynight or looking for a grown man's misplaced belt....
Like who made up these rules anyways??? That the woman has to do that crap!

D. I add up the # A thru #C and I come up with I'M JUST FINE..THANKS!!

Statements like: I dont need a man!!
Does sound harsh.
Do I say it too? Yes
But I look back at one of my gf's who went thru a alcoholic divorce about 6 years ago.
(Before I knew what alcoholism was all about)
Dang~ She came across nasty & mean & miserable. She hated men and didnt need a man. I almost thought she was becoming a lesbian. I thought she was a "very" emotional girl who needed professional help.

NOW, SHE is happily married to a wonderful man and we actually ended up to be best friends!

You get my point, dont ya???......

I think I sound happy most of the time too....But if you asked my friends how I come across, they would probably say & think the same things, as I did about my friend 6 years ago....

It all takes time and when I forget that...I put the pressure on myself

As I change and as I know my changes, I quit looking for people to give me praise
Even though it would be nice to hear
I have learned the difference between the words EXCEPT & ACCEPT
When I expect...I usaully get hurt
I try to praise myself everyday and cherish each step of my recovery
Im getting stronger, not overnight, but by babysteps...

I'M FINE THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kassie2

Hi TC,

I think that ppl put a label on us and forget to change it even when we change and they notice. A few years ago I went back to help pack up a close friend's things when she died - she lived in another state so we had a long distance relationship. Her husband wasn't coping. My kids and I spent a week organizing the house - her things etc -while he piddled around the house - thankful for the company and help. But at one point he and I sat and had a one to one conversation and to my surprise - while we had both changed dramatically - he still referred to me the way I was 20 years ago despite staying in contact by phone and occasional visits.

I was initially surprised at the way he remembered me but more so at the way he continued to see me. During the visit old friends continued to call on him etc. He seemed to refer to the previous version of everyone as though no one changed all these years. When I returned home he emailed me and talked about how much I had changed.

I have seen this at times - and it seems that ppl just categorize us for some reason and fail to adjust or update their references even though they may notice the changes. It is up to you to decide whether or not to be affected by what they say. What is most important is that you see the changes you are looking for. The rest is fluff.

Willybluedog

You do not need people in your life who will not allow you to grow, who don't appreciate you for who you are, or allow you you own eccentricities etc.

I am so glad you recognize that you are changing and growing, good for you!

Keep up the good work,

Bill