When will I learn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 30
When will I learn
Here I am again. I started like most people drinking and smoking in jr. high and high school, went from weekly to daily by my senior year, by college it was all day everyday, after college I took my career seriously and cut way back on the drinking and smoked a lot less, I had a back injury playing sports in high school that was had caused me pain since it happened but it seemed to be getting worse and worse, I went to the doctor and my addiction was unleashed. I had taken perks that friends had gotten from surgeries and what not but it was never an option to make it a regular thing, the doctor giving me 3 10mg Percocet a day was not only a regular thing but the doctor told me to do it, it can't be bad right? After using that script as my permission slip to addiction, I was introduced to 30's then the 80's and it was a all downhill from there.
I was spending ridiculous amounts of money on pills from the street and I knew that I had to quit, the withdrawal from opiates was new to me and I thought it was just a mental thing, it's not, it's a lot more then that, I thought that if I got a bag of coke it would get me through the opiate withdrawal and then I could quit the coke, I've done it in the past and it was always easy to quit, a few grumpy days then it's over, that didn't work and it actually made things worse, I started doing coke and oxy at the same time. Anyway, I was doing around 6-8 thousand dollars a month worth of drugs, and I knew that I needed to stop. I tried to quit on my own and the furthest I made it was 9 days, then I checked myself into inpatient and made it for 35 days, that was in June, and now I have been on and off since.
Right now I am in a hotel room ten hours from my home town, I came down here with enough drugs to get me here and not enough to get home, when I wake up tomorrow I don't have much of a choice on whether to do drugs or not, I have a few suboxone I plan on taking for a few days, I know that I have to wait for the wd's to be in full effect. Right now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do different this time, I am willing to move cities, I think that will necessary so that I don't just start hanging with the same old friends and do the same old things, I have gone to many NA meetings in the area and have not found one that I liked, I am hoping that by moving I will find a meeting that I like and hopefully be able to make friends there since I won't know anyone in the city that I am moving to. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be greatly appreciated, I am sorry that I rambled on so long, I feel like I left a lot of stuff out too, thanks for reading, I hope that this is the last time that I have to go through this hell.
I was spending ridiculous amounts of money on pills from the street and I knew that I had to quit, the withdrawal from opiates was new to me and I thought it was just a mental thing, it's not, it's a lot more then that, I thought that if I got a bag of coke it would get me through the opiate withdrawal and then I could quit the coke, I've done it in the past and it was always easy to quit, a few grumpy days then it's over, that didn't work and it actually made things worse, I started doing coke and oxy at the same time. Anyway, I was doing around 6-8 thousand dollars a month worth of drugs, and I knew that I needed to stop. I tried to quit on my own and the furthest I made it was 9 days, then I checked myself into inpatient and made it for 35 days, that was in June, and now I have been on and off since.
Right now I am in a hotel room ten hours from my home town, I came down here with enough drugs to get me here and not enough to get home, when I wake up tomorrow I don't have much of a choice on whether to do drugs or not, I have a few suboxone I plan on taking for a few days, I know that I have to wait for the wd's to be in full effect. Right now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do different this time, I am willing to move cities, I think that will necessary so that I don't just start hanging with the same old friends and do the same old things, I have gone to many NA meetings in the area and have not found one that I liked, I am hoping that by moving I will find a meeting that I like and hopefully be able to make friends there since I won't know anyone in the city that I am moving to. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be greatly appreciated, I am sorry that I rambled on so long, I feel like I left a lot of stuff out too, thanks for reading, I hope that this is the last time that I have to go through this hell.
You'll find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
Well Ryan - you're not the first one to go through this and you won't be the last. It sounds like you've got every reason and desire to get off this roller coaster ride. I am in Washington too. I know some good meetings and places for help. PM me if you'd like.
-SPG
-SPG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 30
It's 24 hours later, today was hell, was able to sleep through a lot of it but not all, I feel like I am through the worst of the physical parts but it's always the mental stuff that is the hardest, I start thinking about how much I messed my life up, and hurt my family, and it's like all the guilt of your last binge comes down on me at once, I never meant to hurt anyone, I never even meant to hurt myself but I did that the most. I really start to feel hopeless, this is a lot of times when I go get more drugs to numb the pain, I can't do that now, I am stuck in hotel room with no where to go. I have to go home and be able to be strong enough to not go back to this life, I can't go around friends that have been there for me since grade school? And i have to turn my back on everyone that has had my back for my whole life? That's stuff that I don't get, how do you give up that life when it is who you are, I really have to start from scratch? These are the first signs of me saying **** it, I can't do it this time, I need to figure this out, I am here now because that life didn't work for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: San Jose
Posts: 13
Hello Ryan,
I know how you feel and what you are going through. I too would think how I messed up my life. For me it was the booze. I'm 47 years old and after 27 years lost my job back in May of 2010 and went on a one year drinking run drinking just about every day off and on from dawn until about midnight just so I wouldn't feel the awful feelings of self hatred.
I've been battling the booze since I was 17 years old and just last July I finally checked my self into a rehab which I completed in August. I'll have 5 months this Sunday and I feel like a NEW person! Only because of going to meetings every day, reading the Big Book, doing the steps (I'm on step 4) and praying to my Higher Power.
You brought up you're friends, that was a BIG one in my book! I know what you are saying, try being in LOVE with one of you're friends and having to just walk away from her. I cannot be around her no more, because I would just start drinking again and my sobriety has to be NUMBER 1! I don't even see my drinking buddies anymore because I will not get any support from them, all I'll hear from them is "C'mon!" or "you can have a few!"
I don't mean to rant and I really don't post at all, but I really related to you're comments about the withdrawing and you're old friends. I surround myself with my AA friends now and no one else. Sitting in tonights meeting I felt so good just sitting there and feeling a belonging in the fellowship of AA.
Like I said I'm also new to recovery and I had some bad days, but I am so much happier TODAY than I was a year ago. I'll be praying for you Ryan and wishing you the best. It's time to come home and make some REAL friends in AA.
Paul :ghug3
I know how you feel and what you are going through. I too would think how I messed up my life. For me it was the booze. I'm 47 years old and after 27 years lost my job back in May of 2010 and went on a one year drinking run drinking just about every day off and on from dawn until about midnight just so I wouldn't feel the awful feelings of self hatred.
I've been battling the booze since I was 17 years old and just last July I finally checked my self into a rehab which I completed in August. I'll have 5 months this Sunday and I feel like a NEW person! Only because of going to meetings every day, reading the Big Book, doing the steps (I'm on step 4) and praying to my Higher Power.
You brought up you're friends, that was a BIG one in my book! I know what you are saying, try being in LOVE with one of you're friends and having to just walk away from her. I cannot be around her no more, because I would just start drinking again and my sobriety has to be NUMBER 1! I don't even see my drinking buddies anymore because I will not get any support from them, all I'll hear from them is "C'mon!" or "you can have a few!"
I don't mean to rant and I really don't post at all, but I really related to you're comments about the withdrawing and you're old friends. I surround myself with my AA friends now and no one else. Sitting in tonights meeting I felt so good just sitting there and feeling a belonging in the fellowship of AA.
Like I said I'm also new to recovery and I had some bad days, but I am so much happier TODAY than I was a year ago. I'll be praying for you Ryan and wishing you the best. It's time to come home and make some REAL friends in AA.
Paul :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Midwest U.S.A.
Posts: 130
Hey Ryan, congrats on taking the first steps to recovery. Have you ever thought about going back to an inpatient program? I hope you find the strength you need to get sober.
Your real friends will still be there waiting for you when you become sober. If all your friends are addicts, then unfortunately you should give up those relationships to better yourself. When you get sober you will realize that you don't really have a good relationship with them at this point anyways. You need to do this for yourself.
Your real friends will still be there waiting for you when you become sober. If all your friends are addicts, then unfortunately you should give up those relationships to better yourself. When you get sober you will realize that you don't really have a good relationship with them at this point anyways. You need to do this for yourself.
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