In a dark place this week
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
In a dark place this week
Hello all,
I've been reading on here daily and have really been pulling a lot of strength from everyone's posts. Thank you so much. I see so much pain on these boards and yet, so much recovery, growth and hope.
I'm feeling a bit stagnant in my recovery but I think it just boils down to feeling depressed in recent weeks. I've been "bleeding out" all of these diseased thoughts, behaviors, painful experiences I had when I lived with my A and also the overwhelming grief I've carried when he went no contact on me after moving out. I'm finding in recent weeks that I am having a hard time sharing in Al-Anon meetings and even in my sessions with my therapist. I go in, sit down, and just want to listen. Maybe I've reached a point where I need to just sit and soak up all the good to replace all the bad that I bled out, so to speak, over the first several months of my recovery. Or maybe I'm just exhausted from finally letting myself feel true emotion; or any emotion besides the pure panic I felt while living with my A.
I had a terrible night last night. My head and heart started swirling around the glorified image of my A that I was creating in my head, and I got sucked in so quickly. I wanted nothing more than one of his big, loving hugs and there was nothing else I could think of to make my night any better. I became so disillusioned that, while sadly looking out of my kitchen window, I spied a cab pulling up to the curb and I waited with bated breath for what I hoped would be my A stepping out. He lives 1000 miles away from me and we haven't been in contact since we are taking a "break" in our relationship; yet, I still sometimes fantasize about him surprising me and coming back. He's found sobriety and is working a strong program so it's really tough for me to not want the new and improved man that I love so much. I realized then I was all over the HALT. I was way beyond famished so I ate. I was angry at how I was feeling so I journaled. I was lonely for my A so I acknowledged my feelings and told myself I'll likely feel much better shortly. I was also extremely exhausted so I got myself to bed as fast as I could. I have also been dealing with physical pain. I injured my foot and had been walking around on it for much longer than I could bear so I added a "P" to the mix and realized that I was PHALT. While I'm still hurting today, I realize that I HAVE grown in the whole three months in recovery. I'm am much more aware of my emotional self these days and have developed a practice of gratitude. This site has given me so much over the last 3 months and I'm grateful for you all.
Hoping the darkness lifts once again soon.
Thank you all.
I've been reading on here daily and have really been pulling a lot of strength from everyone's posts. Thank you so much. I see so much pain on these boards and yet, so much recovery, growth and hope.
I'm feeling a bit stagnant in my recovery but I think it just boils down to feeling depressed in recent weeks. I've been "bleeding out" all of these diseased thoughts, behaviors, painful experiences I had when I lived with my A and also the overwhelming grief I've carried when he went no contact on me after moving out. I'm finding in recent weeks that I am having a hard time sharing in Al-Anon meetings and even in my sessions with my therapist. I go in, sit down, and just want to listen. Maybe I've reached a point where I need to just sit and soak up all the good to replace all the bad that I bled out, so to speak, over the first several months of my recovery. Or maybe I'm just exhausted from finally letting myself feel true emotion; or any emotion besides the pure panic I felt while living with my A.
I had a terrible night last night. My head and heart started swirling around the glorified image of my A that I was creating in my head, and I got sucked in so quickly. I wanted nothing more than one of his big, loving hugs and there was nothing else I could think of to make my night any better. I became so disillusioned that, while sadly looking out of my kitchen window, I spied a cab pulling up to the curb and I waited with bated breath for what I hoped would be my A stepping out. He lives 1000 miles away from me and we haven't been in contact since we are taking a "break" in our relationship; yet, I still sometimes fantasize about him surprising me and coming back. He's found sobriety and is working a strong program so it's really tough for me to not want the new and improved man that I love so much. I realized then I was all over the HALT. I was way beyond famished so I ate. I was angry at how I was feeling so I journaled. I was lonely for my A so I acknowledged my feelings and told myself I'll likely feel much better shortly. I was also extremely exhausted so I got myself to bed as fast as I could. I have also been dealing with physical pain. I injured my foot and had been walking around on it for much longer than I could bear so I added a "P" to the mix and realized that I was PHALT. While I'm still hurting today, I realize that I HAVE grown in the whole three months in recovery. I'm am much more aware of my emotional self these days and have developed a practice of gratitude. This site has given me so much over the last 3 months and I'm grateful for you all.
Hoping the darkness lifts once again soon.
Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
WOW! I could feel your word's. They run deep and they hit home.
It takes time, I never thought the darkness would lift either, but it does
Day by day it does better
Look back on where you were till now...3 Months & Gaining!!
Pat yourself on the back!!! ....You deserve it!!!
It takes time, I never thought the darkness would lift either, but it does
Day by day it does better
Look back on where you were till now...3 Months & Gaining!!
Pat yourself on the back!!! ....You deserve it!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
How strange.
I have some good days..yesterday was almost overwhelming, even though I got out with a friend (which normally is a diversion). I realized that I WAS EXPECTING TO RUN INTO HIM AT THE STORE, OR SEE HIM DRIVING DOWN THE STREET.
Like you, my xabf was the one who cut the relationship, which does make it more difficult to cope with. I think it is that I had no choice, even if my logical choice would have been the same.
I am constantly stunned here, at the common threads in our stories.
I have some good days..yesterday was almost overwhelming, even though I got out with a friend (which normally is a diversion). I realized that I WAS EXPECTING TO RUN INTO HIM AT THE STORE, OR SEE HIM DRIVING DOWN THE STREET.
Like you, my xabf was the one who cut the relationship, which does make it more difficult to cope with. I think it is that I had no choice, even if my logical choice would have been the same.
I am constantly stunned here, at the common threads in our stories.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
When my best girlfriend (smart and very succesful) went through her divorce she fell apart ... seriously fell apart! She spent a huge amount of time with me and my RA on our coach as she battled depression and later admitted suicidal thoughts.
This is a beauty queen and self made multimillionaire who wanted the divorce in the first place!
Our body, our heart, our mind, our emotions, our hormones all work together to get us to reuinite with the person we have been intimately entwined with.
I was shocked to read how our bodies work against us like this when we seperating from someone ... it is similar to the addict trying to detox and stop using and their brain and even pain sensors and every part of the body will work to get the addict to use again!
Knowing that feelings are chemical in nature and that time does WORK to fade those feelings is helpful.
My suicidal girlfriend that I literally handheld for 3 months????
She had a very, very good friend from her past who has been courting her with fabulous weekends where he wines and dines her (he is wealthy). They have been traveling together to exotic locales and he refuses to allow her to spend a dime despite her own ability to pay... he loves spoiling her.
She has not commited to him and was just introduced to another man who also very good looking and successful. He has 3 condo's in Vail and has offered to let her use one anytime she wants... their first date will be in Vail and it will be dinner with her teenage daughter!
So... while we may not have the storybook ending that my friend had ... with a rich prince showing up at our door on bended knee we all can recover from the horrible feelings of detoxing from our A's!
And who knows ... maybe when the princess is ready the prince will show up!
This is a beauty queen and self made multimillionaire who wanted the divorce in the first place!
Our body, our heart, our mind, our emotions, our hormones all work together to get us to reuinite with the person we have been intimately entwined with.
I was shocked to read how our bodies work against us like this when we seperating from someone ... it is similar to the addict trying to detox and stop using and their brain and even pain sensors and every part of the body will work to get the addict to use again!
Knowing that feelings are chemical in nature and that time does WORK to fade those feelings is helpful.
My suicidal girlfriend that I literally handheld for 3 months????
She had a very, very good friend from her past who has been courting her with fabulous weekends where he wines and dines her (he is wealthy). They have been traveling together to exotic locales and he refuses to allow her to spend a dime despite her own ability to pay... he loves spoiling her.
She has not commited to him and was just introduced to another man who also very good looking and successful. He has 3 condo's in Vail and has offered to let her use one anytime she wants... their first date will be in Vail and it will be dinner with her teenage daughter!
So... while we may not have the storybook ending that my friend had ... with a rich prince showing up at our door on bended knee we all can recover from the horrible feelings of detoxing from our A's!
And who knows ... maybe when the princess is ready the prince will show up!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Learning about the grief cycle helped me to be gentle with myself. There are five stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. I am coming up on 19 months from the beginning of the end of my relationship and 15 months out from actual separation. I have been through all of the stages except acceptance once, and am cycling through them again...except this time without what I lovingly call the band-aid of denial.
Finding out that these feelings were "normal" really helped me. Finding out most people take awhile with this helped me too.
I found a couple of books that helped. The Grief REcovery Handbook and The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. The second especially talks about the physical changes our bodies go through and it helped explain myself to me.
Kind thoughts coming your way.
Finding out that these feelings were "normal" really helped me. Finding out most people take awhile with this helped me too.
I found a couple of books that helped. The Grief REcovery Handbook and The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. The second especially talks about the physical changes our bodies go through and it helped explain myself to me.
Kind thoughts coming your way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by searchbug 
Like you, my xabf was the one who cut the relationship, which does make it more difficult to cope with. I think it is that I had no choice, even if my logical choice would have been the same.
I am constantly stunned here, at the common threads in our stories.
I am constantly stunned here, at the common threads in our stories.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
BobbyJ: Thank you for the gentle reminder to look back to where I was 3 months ago. Three months ago I was a sobbing heap on the bedroom floor, unable to eat, sleep, get to work, shower, etc. 3 months ago I stepped into my first Al-Anon meeting and sobbed through the entire thing! Today, while I feel heavy-hearted, I hear myself laughing, I see myself getting out and living life, making plans for the future, etc. These 3 months have been the longest in my life - time moves so slowly when one is in pain, doesn't it? But what a difference this short time has made already.
Hopeworks: Thank you for your inspiring story. You said "maybe when the princess is ready the prince will show up!" Loved this. Even if me and my RA end up having an opportunity to explore the new us, I would not be ready for that in the state I'm in right now. While I feel I'm gaining new tools from my program, he would not like the mess of a person I still am. Your quote is so true. Only a fairytale ending can come out of making the most of my recovery. I want to be nothing but the best for myself and for whoever I may share my life with someday. I think I'll stick to my cat for the timebeing.
LifeRecovery: Thank you for the book suggestions. I'm very interested in this subject. I recently purchased "Under the Influence." It helps me a lot to understand the chemical changes that happen in the brains of both addicts and those addicted to their loved addict! I've read that it takes about 3 months away from the craziness of living with an A for the codie's brain to start producing its "normal" neurotransmitters and stop functioning off the high levels of adrenaline and the whole "fight or flight" response. I'm at my 3 month mark and have recently started sensing a shift in how I'm feeling and thinking. It's subtle but it's happening and I think it's evidence that my brain is finally starting to heal. I will definitely check out your book recommendations. Thank you SO much.
Hopeworks: Thank you for your inspiring story. You said "maybe when the princess is ready the prince will show up!" Loved this. Even if me and my RA end up having an opportunity to explore the new us, I would not be ready for that in the state I'm in right now. While I feel I'm gaining new tools from my program, he would not like the mess of a person I still am. Your quote is so true. Only a fairytale ending can come out of making the most of my recovery. I want to be nothing but the best for myself and for whoever I may share my life with someday. I think I'll stick to my cat for the timebeing.
LifeRecovery: Thank you for the book suggestions. I'm very interested in this subject. I recently purchased "Under the Influence." It helps me a lot to understand the chemical changes that happen in the brains of both addicts and those addicted to their loved addict! I've read that it takes about 3 months away from the craziness of living with an A for the codie's brain to start producing its "normal" neurotransmitters and stop functioning off the high levels of adrenaline and the whole "fight or flight" response. I'm at my 3 month mark and have recently started sensing a shift in how I'm feeling and thinking. It's subtle but it's happening and I think it's evidence that my brain is finally starting to heal. I will definitely check out your book recommendations. Thank you SO much.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What you're describing is very common.... You must take action to get out of this self-destructive place. Call someone in Al-anon and be brutally honest, do the same in therapy. Sometimes it's easier to live in the past, however painful, to avoid dealing with our feelings.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 47
This forum (and thread in particular) is inspiring...I'm just short of two months into recovery, and this forum, along with therapy and naranon, has gotten me through. This weekend I'm finally moving out of my family's home, away from their dysfunction and my RA brother - and I'm back in contact with the ex that left me because of the mess I became - I've questioned these decisions a hundred times...but reading that it takes 3 months to reprogram our brains? Just makes me realize how much I need to move out after ten years of crisis mode.
and running for life, reading about your journey and realizations about yourself and your RA have been so helpful. As much as I want to re-initiate things with my ex, he's recovering from the mess I helped him make of his life and I still need to be focused on my recovery instead of recovering him...thanks so much for sharing.
I hope I can find the peace, serenity and open-mindedness about my A, family, ex and recovery - that so many of you seem to have.
and running for life, reading about your journey and realizations about yourself and your RA have been so helpful. As much as I want to re-initiate things with my ex, he's recovering from the mess I helped him make of his life and I still need to be focused on my recovery instead of recovering him...thanks so much for sharing.
I hope I can find the peace, serenity and open-mindedness about my A, family, ex and recovery - that so many of you seem to have.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
sibling - I'm not sure where I read that blurb about brain chemistry and time, but it makes sense and helps me understand myself in this process a little better. Granted, it doesn't make it easier. It just made me realize that I need to take the best care of myself as possible during this time and to make myself as comfortable as possible until the healing can really take hold. Congrats on your almost 2 months in recovery! It sounds like you are making some really healthy choices for yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Dear running,
I am so sorry things have been tough for you, please accept a big old bear hug from me.
I've really struggled the last 6 weeks, the Penn State Scandal, the Judge beating his daughter running non-stop on the news, and one of my abusers(cousin) moving back to MO sent me over the edge, (flashbacks, nightmares, crying, road-rage, etc.) but I decided this is not going to beat me, I wrote it all down, spent more time on these boards and got back into therapy, I can do it and you can too!
Best of luck to you!
Bill
I am so sorry things have been tough for you, please accept a big old bear hug from me.
I've really struggled the last 6 weeks, the Penn State Scandal, the Judge beating his daughter running non-stop on the news, and one of my abusers(cousin) moving back to MO sent me over the edge, (flashbacks, nightmares, crying, road-rage, etc.) but I decided this is not going to beat me, I wrote it all down, spent more time on these boards and got back into therapy, I can do it and you can too!
Best of luck to you!
Bill
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
Thanks, Bill. It's sometimes challenging to see all the good in the world when there is so much pain going on all around us and in the news. I sometimes have to resort to my "ignorance is bliss" mode and boycott the news when I'm feeling extra sensitive. Needless to say, I'm currently practicing in that mode this week! Thank you for the encourangement. I, too, am renewing my initiative in my recovery. I definitely can tell when I slack on the journaling or choose to stay quiet in meetings, or not check in on all the growth and encourangement going on in these threads. It's so hard to balance priorities and making sure that my recovery stays at the top. Just when I think I'm starting to really make some progress at wading out of this emotional and mental garbage I've been wallowing in for so long I become slightly less vigilant and I find myself sliding back down into it. It is truly humbling and makes me realize how fragile I still am.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
I agree, this is a very good thread. I think your initial post 'Running' is quite moving in the way it touches on us being tossed about emotionally. I think all of us in this situation go the rounds of loneliness, insecurity, the need for physical warmth as well as spiritual.
As if it isn't enough to need separation, we are then craving the company of our tormentors. Slightly different for me as I'm still living with my drinking partner-4 or 5 days she'll be fine then she's just not there. Apart from all of these emotions it's also a bore.
I wish you well.
As if it isn't enough to need separation, we are then craving the company of our tormentors. Slightly different for me as I'm still living with my drinking partner-4 or 5 days she'll be fine then she's just not there. Apart from all of these emotions it's also a bore.
I wish you well.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi running,
Glad you are here. Read your post and could really relate to the hopefulness and desire that we come by naturally in life. I was there for two years so I understand how it happens. But then as always reality sets in and we are forced to shift our focus one way or another. I hated the rude reality setting in but in the end... I was glad I gave up the dream at some point. It is a process that unfolds and it reality will set in gradually if not rudely. The best remedy is to do things for yourself as much as you can and to talk or listen when you feel like it and in the end you will know the course that works for you.
Glad you are here. Read your post and could really relate to the hopefulness and desire that we come by naturally in life. I was there for two years so I understand how it happens. But then as always reality sets in and we are forced to shift our focus one way or another. I hated the rude reality setting in but in the end... I was glad I gave up the dream at some point. It is a process that unfolds and it reality will set in gradually if not rudely. The best remedy is to do things for yourself as much as you can and to talk or listen when you feel like it and in the end you will know the course that works for you.
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