seek

My grandson is in serious crisis . . . without getting into detail, the family members were already alienated because of another problem drinker . . . so as this event is unfolding, each individual has a little prism of the big picture . . .and little family support because each unit is reacting independently . . .

I am just praying and trying to cope best I can . . .

My question is about family dynamics when the designated "problem person" is in crisis . . .I just got done reading another post where a lot of people said that after they detached, their husbands or whatever got into recovery.

One woman said it took her husband seven months to hit bottom after she left him or whatever . . .and it got me thinking about the family during that seven months . . .just using that one story as an example, but I would be curious in any case.

When you detach and the problem drinker continues to go downhill, I imagine there are family dynamics to deal with - relatives of the person who care for them . . . how do the families cope or stay intact? What happens to the communication system? Do people talk about what is happening or is it "every man for himself?"

Just curious about various dynamics and coping mechanisms within families in times of crisis . . .

I am having a very hard time at the moment. I am not going to call anyone because I don't want to disturb anyone's work or add stress to anyone's life.

LaTeeDa

Letting go is tough, to put it mildly. It's not just letting go of the alcoholic...it's letting go of the outcome. You aren't in control, never were. It's hard to accept that, but I promise you will feel such relief if you do.

Whatever is going to happen will happen. Whether you twist yourself into knots over it or peacefully accept it. As Mike's signature line says--sanity is giving up the illusion of control.

L

m1k3

The way I view detachment and family dynamics is like this.

Old way, there was a hurricane and I was out in the storm trying to save people being swept up in the storm and even adding my energy to the storm just like everyone else, everything was a mess.

New way, there is still a storm being created by the A but I now sit in the eye of the storm, I watch was is going on but I stay in my calm center. I interact with any of the family who is caught in the storm and offer them sanctuary in my calm place but I do not intervene in any other way. So, what has happened is that as more people in the family saw how I was handling it and began to copy me the size of the storm decreased. At some point it may even reach the point the the storm is only swirling around the A and no one else will be involved.

Your friend,

choublak

When I was growing up, I had a few uncles on my mom's side who had serious problems - and consequences - with their drinking. From what I saw, nothing really happened to the communication system, people talked about what was happening but they talked about other things too, the day-to-day stuff.

A fairly recent thing that happened was, my dad cheated on my mom for a few years (it may still be going on, I don't know, nor do I want to know) and my mom decided to divorce him. She told all of her family about it (her parents and her 10 siblings) and they were very supportive...until she changed her mind at the last minute. Then they were mad. I think ultimately she just thought if they couldn't respect her decision then that was their problem not hers, and she says it's easy for them to talk about what they would do, because it isn't happening to them.

This has happened a few times btw. My mom finds stuff out about my dad cheating, she kicks him out of the house and he goes and lives at their nearby condo, his mistress moves in there, then my dad gets tired of the mistress, goes begging to my mom, makes empty promises, my mom caves and takes him back. And repeat. Same mistress every time.

Anyway, some of my aunts aren't really "fond of" the decisions my mom has made, so her relationships with them have suffered. She says that they are the ones bothered by her decisions, so it's on them.

Thumper

Is there another family member (not one of the alcoholics) that is really struggling with this situation? What if you reached out to them and focused on *them* - not on the alcoholics, the situation, or any of the other dynamics within the family. Is there something you can offer them in terms of support? Is there anything you can ask them for in terms of support for yourself? For example could you call someone and say "Would you like to go the coffee shop and art gallery tomorrow. I could really use some companionship?" Then go and focus on the things that are going on in that moment. Do not let any "He/she should...." enter the conversation. Do not talk about the alcoholic or the situation or any one else in the family. You don't have to pretend it doesn't exist but keep the support about you and them. Alcoholism likes to swallow families up like an ocean until individuals cease to exist but we don't have to let that happen.

I get the impression that you are a central figure in your family. You can lead them by example. Be present for the people in front of you and you can do so in a way that makes them important, that validates them, is respectful, and that helps them turn their focus from alcoholism to living life. You can show them that this bonds families. It sounds like everyone is trying to handle things by managing what others know, what others do, and focusing on the 'situation' instead of the people, and spinning like a top around an 18yo that isn't even paying attention. This hasn't been working. It appears that it has increased the crisis to such a level that even the non-alcoholics are feeling scattered and adrift. You can show them another way.

I am just beginning to learn how to do this. I want to be that person.

I experienced that when two particular people treated me that way when I was in a crisis. It was a gift. I watch them closely now and I very much want to get to the place that they are in. They helped me more then I can say, not by telling me what to do or what should be done or trying to fix the situation, but respecting and validating me and by being a shining example of what staying on their own side of the street looks like. I had not paid attention before but I was ready to see it then and it was brilliant.

I'm not sure how helpful this is to you because those people I mentioned were not in my crisis. You are in yours. You need support yourself. I've been reading all your threads and my heart goes out to you. I can not imagine the pain of having a child with an addiction. It is one of my greatest fears.

Oh - I don't actually think doing this makes an alcoholic seek recovery or start making better decisions. I think it does create a healthy space for recovery to grow in if they choose it.

Thumper

I re-read that and I'm not sure it make sense. I'm going to give you one small example. I remember it because I was so grateful. My cousin came to stay with me and help me move. Xah called and really went crazy with lots of blaming, manipulating, quilting, hurtful, and ridiculous stuff. It caused me so much pain and confusion. She saw the look on my face and was clearly shocked when I told her what transpired. Her response. "That is crazy. I'm so sorry Thumper. That isn't right. Shake it off, he's an ass." That is it. It was validating. It was comforting. I existed. She helped me realize that I can turn away from the crazy and look at reality in the moment. I was so grateful she was there. I have another relative that I love and she is supportive in some very big ways and when I told her of the phone call she went off on a 45 minute tangent about what I should have said, what he needs to do and realize, what I'd realize in time, how she knew he would do this and that I should have known, what I need to do next time blah blah blah. I felt invalidated because she told me how to feel, disrespected because she told me what I should have done or learned, somewhat invisible because most of her focus was on him, and crazy because she kept going on about what I should make him do and clearly - after 15 years of trying - I couldn't make him do anything.

I felt bonded and grounded with the one person and agitated and adrift with the other.

FWIW both people have the same intentions. To support me. This example can't be directly correlated because these two people are my family, not my husbands. FWIW my xah's sister is the other IRL person I look to and she also helped me a lot. I still see her from time to time and she is still someone that I look to for guidance. She is also a very big support to my xah so she doesn't have to choose. She keeps it focused on the person in front of her and provides support by staying out of the outcomes. She can let it go, which was such a foreign concept to me at the time but it works and she showed me that. Another gift.

dollydo

Have you considered seeing a therapist? Talking to one might help you calm down and stop obessesing and projecting into the future, the midnset you are currently in is not healthy for you.

I wish you peace, please do what you need to do to get yourself in a better mental state.

searchbug

I am not sure I can be of help for you..just a reflection of what I have seen REPEATEDLY here..and noticed in my own situation.
Most of us have been raised (or learned) what the "standard" ways to cope with family issues..being supportive, "facing" the issues, coping, interacting, etc. What I might call the "if I am just GOOD enough as a wife/mother/girlfriend, then together we can SOLVE this".
It has taken me months of reading here (AND NOT REJECTING)... to get it. The above standards or methods are totally useless when alcohol or addiction is involved. How "good" or "right" I am/was... was meaningless. All the things I had been taught or believed, were not applicable, here. I looked for answers..as long as the answers were within my framework of thinking. Wrong. My framework itself was not workable in this instance.
My xboyfriend's problem with drinking was his problem. Not mine. It was BETWEEN HIM AND HIS GOD (or whatever he believes in). It would be the same if it was my husband or my child. Or aunt/uncle/cousin.
Alcoholics don't play by the rules we know or understand. The only "rules" they seem to grasp is when they face themselves, and choose to change. It only became "my problem" when I tried to apply MY rules/methods/beliefs, none of which matter. The only person I "cope" with is myself, my choice to remain involved..or completely step back IN ORDER TO ALLOW the problem to be what it already is. His problem.
When I truly LET GO of my perceptions, then I deal with me. Struggling to find an answer, is my own issue. Acceptance that I don't have the answer, is the hardest part.
Each of us must answer to our own God/ higher power. That is a truth, even when there is no alcohol involved. If a person TRULY detaches... there no longer IS "dynamics" to cope with.
No alcoholic is going to stop, for someone else. IT MUST BE FOR THEIR OWN PEACE. And their own choice. Those of us on the fringe need to accept that OUR problem is the attempt to find the solution. The solution is there. It is theirs to find (or not, as their choice winds up).