64 days and something
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: florida
Posts: 207
64 days and something
Hello - just wanted to check in at 64 days (a month out of rehab). I am feeling kinda blah, but not wanting to use. I have been going to NA meetings everyday, just finished my step 1 work, and have a sponsor. Still looking for work and luckily, my parents have been assisting with child support and some other bills. (I feel so less than, not paying for myself) I have done the recovery thing before, (18 months, 2 years ago)but, the resentments outweighed the recovery and it took me out.. This is so much harder than last time and I just wish I felt more positive about it getting better. I have a good support network, yet feel kind of alone. Playing music usually gets me out of this mindset. sorry rambling.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Hey, just saw this. 64 days is awesome.
Your post reminded me of a "syndrome" I seem to have around the time of a "milestone" as in when in NA you earn a new keytag. There I would go, up front, everyone whooping for me, and I knew inside I was still the same old me, white knuckling through some days, not nearly as far along as some of the shiny new comers that were on step nine and a half AND step 13 while I was still mudding around in step 2 (and 1 on rough days)
After all, I wasn't using...wasn't life supposed to get better? Wasn't using the issue? What was wrong with me that I wasn't grateful and shiny bright in recovery?
Honestly, I felt more down and tempted to use around 30,60,90 than at any other times. I felt more like a failure the more clean time I racked up while still feeling like a junkie inside.
If you stick with it, it gets better. If you can look at what you are feeling right now as just further proof that you are out of control, it might help (it helped me). It is NOT a symptom that you are hopeless, it is actually a hopeful sign. If you ARE an addict, with all the same issues as the rest of us, then the good news is that what helps the rest of us recover will work for you too.
Working the steps, to the best of my ability, pushing forward even when it's not making sense and my clever brain can find 10,000 reasons it won't work for me, has helped.
There was a whole lot I would do for a fix, stupid stuff, crazy stuff, things that made little sense. So I can do it for recovery too.
I've relapsed, like you, I've let resentments get the better of me. I've felt hopeless and overwhelmed and like a failure. I've had to get honest and humble and accept help in the most embarrassing ways. But I am moving forward. Even when I don't feel real positive, I can look at my life and see, if I am honest, real improvement.
You are taking care of your kids by accepting the help of your parents. How is that failure? it sure beats giving them a junkie for a parent.
I work in a dead end minimum wage job. but you know what? I am keeping a roof over my head, and food in my belly and I am not going to lose this job because I am wasted. That's good.
I have to tell you something. Last night, when I was hanging out here, I was thinking "isn't there ANY other drug abusers here?" I mean, I can identify in many ways with alcoholics, but it is NOT, in all ways, the same. I was wondering if I'd find someone here I could relate to on a deeper level.
Sometimes I come here and feel like an outsider because I am not an alcoholic, and I wonder if drug abusers have any hope and ever recover.
There is a substance abuse area here, don't get me wrong, but the majority of discussion there seems to be on getting off oxys and heroin and med and withdrawl issues, not on the next steps, living recovery.
So I was here, feeling alone. You posted right after I logged off, feeling lonely. Ironic huh?
So yes, I care, Yes I think I understand some of what you are going through. And YES 64 days and counting is awesome, even when it doesn't feel like it.
Your post reminded me of a "syndrome" I seem to have around the time of a "milestone" as in when in NA you earn a new keytag. There I would go, up front, everyone whooping for me, and I knew inside I was still the same old me, white knuckling through some days, not nearly as far along as some of the shiny new comers that were on step nine and a half AND step 13 while I was still mudding around in step 2 (and 1 on rough days)
After all, I wasn't using...wasn't life supposed to get better? Wasn't using the issue? What was wrong with me that I wasn't grateful and shiny bright in recovery?
Honestly, I felt more down and tempted to use around 30,60,90 than at any other times. I felt more like a failure the more clean time I racked up while still feeling like a junkie inside.
If you stick with it, it gets better. If you can look at what you are feeling right now as just further proof that you are out of control, it might help (it helped me). It is NOT a symptom that you are hopeless, it is actually a hopeful sign. If you ARE an addict, with all the same issues as the rest of us, then the good news is that what helps the rest of us recover will work for you too.
Working the steps, to the best of my ability, pushing forward even when it's not making sense and my clever brain can find 10,000 reasons it won't work for me, has helped.
There was a whole lot I would do for a fix, stupid stuff, crazy stuff, things that made little sense. So I can do it for recovery too.
I've relapsed, like you, I've let resentments get the better of me. I've felt hopeless and overwhelmed and like a failure. I've had to get honest and humble and accept help in the most embarrassing ways. But I am moving forward. Even when I don't feel real positive, I can look at my life and see, if I am honest, real improvement.
You are taking care of your kids by accepting the help of your parents. How is that failure? it sure beats giving them a junkie for a parent.
I work in a dead end minimum wage job. but you know what? I am keeping a roof over my head, and food in my belly and I am not going to lose this job because I am wasted. That's good.
I have to tell you something. Last night, when I was hanging out here, I was thinking "isn't there ANY other drug abusers here?" I mean, I can identify in many ways with alcoholics, but it is NOT, in all ways, the same. I was wondering if I'd find someone here I could relate to on a deeper level.
Sometimes I come here and feel like an outsider because I am not an alcoholic, and I wonder if drug abusers have any hope and ever recover.
There is a substance abuse area here, don't get me wrong, but the majority of discussion there seems to be on getting off oxys and heroin and med and withdrawl issues, not on the next steps, living recovery.
So I was here, feeling alone. You posted right after I logged off, feeling lonely. Ironic huh?
So yes, I care, Yes I think I understand some of what you are going through. And YES 64 days and counting is awesome, even when it doesn't feel like it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: florida
Posts: 207
Threshold- thanks for the encouraging words. yeah, this pretty much sucks right now and I feel myself getting pulled into the negative mindset, it does not help that my folks are in vegas and I can be unaccountable and drink at this moment. I am doing my best not to go back to the crap..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Glad to hear from you pete - congrats on your 64 days 
I think threshold's post the same old me was really great - for a while after I quit I was still the same guy...it's no wonder I didn't feel much joy...but change came the more I worked on myself and my recovery - and with it came an appreciation for my new life and a gratitude for my second (actually more like 102nd) chance
stick with it pete
I think threshold's post the same old me was really great - for a while after I quit I was still the same guy...it's no wonder I didn't feel much joy...but change came the more I worked on myself and my recovery - and with it came an appreciation for my new life and a gratitude for my second (actually more like 102nd) chance
stick with it pete
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,897
Having an attitude of gratitude has helped me develop a positive attitude even when life is tough. Congrats on 64 days. It gets better when one makes it better.
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