Choices
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Choices
When I was talking to my AS last Sunday through the jail window on the phone...he was crying...stabbed...and asked if he could come home. I couldn't speak. I got choked up. I had even been coached by sponsor, husband and others on what to say. Finally, I told him he would have to get some help and that I had a list of recovery options...they were the free ones like Salvation Army, Westcare and Rescue Mission. I didn't tell him he could come home if he went to one of these addiction programs first. I just told him I loved him. My husband talked to him too...but I don't remember much else we said.
I asked God today in a meditation what would have been the best answer for my son? He answered to let him come home after jail. That is what my heart wanted. I became upset, but then God gently reminded me of my prayer that morning...I had said to God...Please let the outcome be what is best for ALL involved. That means me, hubby, older brother and my Mother. My husband would have gone and gotten an apartment for three months and moved the valuables out. He did not want my son home because he was afraid my son would steal or invite criminal activity to our home. I would have been alone to deal with this very sick teenager who didn't seem to want help. My life purpose would have been thwarted again.....to have pure connection with Divine and to grow in likeness through meditation, and other types of spiritual growth. That has always been my No.1. My oldest son who is graduating college and coming here for Christmas would have been subject to his little brother addict.
But it still bugs me I couldn't have it all. AS 'fixed,' knowing I loved him, knowing he had a home...what he would have done when he got home...Idon't know.
So I made the choice that was best for the majority. And I lost my son who is now living with a methhead abusive grifter.
And sometimes I feel angry. My AS had been offered so many opportunities when he came here to change his life from what it had been with his sick Father. I went to bat for him, helped him graduate High School with multiple trips and rides downtown to independent study places to get the credits he could have gotten if he had just tried! He was given a nice Stepfather who loved him, a nice home, a car, a motorcycle, new clothes, shoes, and I listened to him when he would talk. i praised the smallest achievements. I tried so dam hard. And now he left his car and everything to go back to his real Dad...left jail...never called us...no respect for us. Left owing us $2500.00 and a whole slew of hospital bills. I feel bad for the kid...I think he has head problems...We took him to a psychiatrist, two detoxes...a meeting....but he said the meeting made him want to use.
It's like I do really well for a few days and then I hit a slump.
I am leading the meeting tonight...first time for me in Naranon. I am in an awful mood. I had bad dreams.
So choices...maybe I could have saved my son....but would have lost myself, my marriage, and put others in the wake of chaos who are actually trying at life.
I just wanted you all to know that I am really trying but having a tough day. When I went to my AS fathers shop before we ever got together and had a baby....something in my head yelled...NO! I know Spirit was trying to tell me not to get with this man...but I did....and I had a son...and it has been 18 years of torment...first from the Father and now his and my son.
I will continue sending healing prayers to my AS. i tried to send some to his Father but his heart was like burnt coals. Guilt eats at me. Why did God make me a Mom? I am sensitive, spiritual, often overwhelmed, inconsistant, non-disciplinarian with kids...my kids were wild when they were little...I didn't know how to parent. I tried and I never abused them but I couldn't give them structure because I'm not made to be that way.
There have been two women in each of my son's lives that helped them. Each was unable to have children. Each were earthy and loving and giving and strong...not like me...I'm more like a gentle breeze or sometimes a whirlwind.
Writing helps me. I hope you don't mind. I find it healing for me here. i guess I'm crying again now. Life is full of tough choices and I have never been sure of things. Life to me...seems very strange and hard and cold.
I love you all. I am so glad for all of you.
I asked God today in a meditation what would have been the best answer for my son? He answered to let him come home after jail. That is what my heart wanted. I became upset, but then God gently reminded me of my prayer that morning...I had said to God...Please let the outcome be what is best for ALL involved. That means me, hubby, older brother and my Mother. My husband would have gone and gotten an apartment for three months and moved the valuables out. He did not want my son home because he was afraid my son would steal or invite criminal activity to our home. I would have been alone to deal with this very sick teenager who didn't seem to want help. My life purpose would have been thwarted again.....to have pure connection with Divine and to grow in likeness through meditation, and other types of spiritual growth. That has always been my No.1. My oldest son who is graduating college and coming here for Christmas would have been subject to his little brother addict.
But it still bugs me I couldn't have it all. AS 'fixed,' knowing I loved him, knowing he had a home...what he would have done when he got home...Idon't know.
So I made the choice that was best for the majority. And I lost my son who is now living with a methhead abusive grifter.
And sometimes I feel angry. My AS had been offered so many opportunities when he came here to change his life from what it had been with his sick Father. I went to bat for him, helped him graduate High School with multiple trips and rides downtown to independent study places to get the credits he could have gotten if he had just tried! He was given a nice Stepfather who loved him, a nice home, a car, a motorcycle, new clothes, shoes, and I listened to him when he would talk. i praised the smallest achievements. I tried so dam hard. And now he left his car and everything to go back to his real Dad...left jail...never called us...no respect for us. Left owing us $2500.00 and a whole slew of hospital bills. I feel bad for the kid...I think he has head problems...We took him to a psychiatrist, two detoxes...a meeting....but he said the meeting made him want to use.
It's like I do really well for a few days and then I hit a slump.
I am leading the meeting tonight...first time for me in Naranon. I am in an awful mood. I had bad dreams.
So choices...maybe I could have saved my son....but would have lost myself, my marriage, and put others in the wake of chaos who are actually trying at life.
I just wanted you all to know that I am really trying but having a tough day. When I went to my AS fathers shop before we ever got together and had a baby....something in my head yelled...NO! I know Spirit was trying to tell me not to get with this man...but I did....and I had a son...and it has been 18 years of torment...first from the Father and now his and my son.
I will continue sending healing prayers to my AS. i tried to send some to his Father but his heart was like burnt coals. Guilt eats at me. Why did God make me a Mom? I am sensitive, spiritual, often overwhelmed, inconsistant, non-disciplinarian with kids...my kids were wild when they were little...I didn't know how to parent. I tried and I never abused them but I couldn't give them structure because I'm not made to be that way.
There have been two women in each of my son's lives that helped them. Each was unable to have children. Each were earthy and loving and giving and strong...not like me...I'm more like a gentle breeze or sometimes a whirlwind.
Writing helps me. I hope you don't mind. I find it healing for me here. i guess I'm crying again now. Life is full of tough choices and I have never been sure of things. Life to me...seems very strange and hard and cold.
I love you all. I am so glad for all of you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Letting him move home is not the same as saving him, so please don't feel guilty because you gave him some healthy alternatives that would involve recovery and he turned it down.
You're doing better, I know it hurts but you are making better decisions.
I keep your son in my prayers, that one day soon he may seek for himself a better path.
Hugs
You're doing better, I know it hurts but you are making better decisions.
I keep your son in my prayers, that one day soon he may seek for himself a better path.
Hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, your HP only gives you the tools, the guidance, it is up to you to do the rest...to use the tools, to apply the knowledge.
Not everyone is equipped to have children, yes, one can birth, however, after that is really where the hard work comes into play. I am glad that I am here, however, my mother had no business becoming a mother, that is not and never has been her thing.
I made the concious decsion to not have any children, I wanted a high powered career, and I knew that I could never serve two masters. It was absolutely the best decision for me. I have no regrets.
It is what it is, you have children, you have no choice but to deal with them....on your terms, not theirs.
You cannot turn back the hands of time, all you can do is live in today, and not worry about tomorrow, it will come and happen, regardless of all your worrying.
My best...Dolly
Not everyone is equipped to have children, yes, one can birth, however, after that is really where the hard work comes into play. I am glad that I am here, however, my mother had no business becoming a mother, that is not and never has been her thing.
I made the concious decsion to not have any children, I wanted a high powered career, and I knew that I could never serve two masters. It was absolutely the best decision for me. I have no regrets.
It is what it is, you have children, you have no choice but to deal with them....on your terms, not theirs.
You cannot turn back the hands of time, all you can do is live in today, and not worry about tomorrow, it will come and happen, regardless of all your worrying.
My best...Dolly
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,853
So choices...maybe I could have saved my son....but would have lost myself, my marriage, and put others in the wake of chaos who are actually trying at life.
All of those things would have happened and you still would not have saved your son. You cannot save your son. Your son has to save himself. You know this.
You son will come closer to wanting help if he is having hard times. The more miserable he is, the greater the chance that he will decide that he doesn't want to live that way anymore. Again, he KNOWS you love him. He also knows now that you can see through his attempts at manipulation. The story about the stabbing was a very cruel thing to do to you. You know he lied about how it happened. But he didn't care how much seeing him like that would hurt you. This person is not your son. He is an addict, and until he gets so miserable and hates the way he is living so much that he is willing to do whatever it takes to get clean and STAY clean, then there is not a thing in the world you can do for him.
All of those things would have happened and you still would not have saved your son. You cannot save your son. Your son has to save himself. You know this.
You son will come closer to wanting help if he is having hard times. The more miserable he is, the greater the chance that he will decide that he doesn't want to live that way anymore. Again, he KNOWS you love him. He also knows now that you can see through his attempts at manipulation. The story about the stabbing was a very cruel thing to do to you. You know he lied about how it happened. But he didn't care how much seeing him like that would hurt you. This person is not your son. He is an addict, and until he gets so miserable and hates the way he is living so much that he is willing to do whatever it takes to get clean and STAY clean, then there is not a thing in the world you can do for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Thank you Ann...I too will always keep hope in my heart for him. And thank you for your prayers. I will some prayers to you now. What is your favorite color? I send light energy prayers and Reiki healing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Thanks Dollydo...I'll try not to worry any more for the next hour...always a good reminder to stay in the day!
Suki...that is the most truthful statement and I appreciate your insight and wisdom. Who knows...maybe living with his Dad will get him clean...because it has to be rough. And anyway...like you said...I can not save him. Hey and thanks for telling me he knows he loves me? I needed to hear that. I keep coming back here and keep going to meetings because I have to hear it over and over. Wonder why that is? Thankyou.
Suki...that is the most truthful statement and I appreciate your insight and wisdom. Who knows...maybe living with his Dad will get him clean...because it has to be rough. And anyway...like you said...I can not save him. Hey and thanks for telling me he knows he loves me? I needed to hear that. I keep coming back here and keep going to meetings because I have to hear it over and over. Wonder why that is? Thankyou.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
...maybe I could have saved my son....
Windblown, when you find that you are struggling with the steps, it's usually because you haven't gotten as far as you thought. You should consider taking a closer look at where you are and what you believe in your heart of hearts. What you express is the automatic response of a parent, but you have to see it in light of the addiction: it's just as natural for the addict to use as it is for you to want to save him. To go back to the comforting touchstones is natural, because it's what we've always done. And as part of a relationship tainted by addiction, "what we've always done" is part of the insanity that's described in the second step.
This isn't about your sons recovery. You can't change who and where he is any more than you can change the weather. The only recovery program you can work is your own - if you choose to do so. Powerlessness is not about giving up - it's about getting honest. We struggle and suffer most when we apply all our energy torwards things that don't even exist. So you have a choice: you can continue to struggle and rail against what simply is (your inability to save him), or you can acknowledge what is and move on to the second step.
I went through medically supervised detox followed by six weeks of intense inpatient therapy at an internationally recognized rehab. I went of my own volition, paid for 90% of it myself, and worked really hard doing everything that was asked of me. Or so I thought. When I got home I struggled, was uncomfortable in meetings, couldn't sleep, and generally was a mess. I now recognize that I assumed that because I chose to go with no outside "push" and did it voluntarily I therefore was honest, open and willing to what recovery demanded. In truth, I almost wasted all the effort, time and money because I still had reservations. I couldn't identify and got far less than I should have in meetings because, you see, I wasn't like them. In a way, I was right - I wasn't like those poor people, I was sicker than they were because I couldn't admit without reservation that I was and would always be an alcoholic, that to drink was to die.
Accepting that simple fact didn't occur in a blinding flash, it was more of a reluctant admission that, yes, I am one of them. I didn't like it, but until I got there, the rest of the steps were just words on a placard hanging from the wall.
I apologize if all this sounds like BS, but it's really important. You can't admit powerlessness and harbor thoughts of saving your son - there is no half way answer here. And until you truly get that, your actions will likely be a hurdle to your sons recovery.
Windblown, when you find that you are struggling with the steps, it's usually because you haven't gotten as far as you thought. You should consider taking a closer look at where you are and what you believe in your heart of hearts. What you express is the automatic response of a parent, but you have to see it in light of the addiction: it's just as natural for the addict to use as it is for you to want to save him. To go back to the comforting touchstones is natural, because it's what we've always done. And as part of a relationship tainted by addiction, "what we've always done" is part of the insanity that's described in the second step.
This isn't about your sons recovery. You can't change who and where he is any more than you can change the weather. The only recovery program you can work is your own - if you choose to do so. Powerlessness is not about giving up - it's about getting honest. We struggle and suffer most when we apply all our energy torwards things that don't even exist. So you have a choice: you can continue to struggle and rail against what simply is (your inability to save him), or you can acknowledge what is and move on to the second step.
I went through medically supervised detox followed by six weeks of intense inpatient therapy at an internationally recognized rehab. I went of my own volition, paid for 90% of it myself, and worked really hard doing everything that was asked of me. Or so I thought. When I got home I struggled, was uncomfortable in meetings, couldn't sleep, and generally was a mess. I now recognize that I assumed that because I chose to go with no outside "push" and did it voluntarily I therefore was honest, open and willing to what recovery demanded. In truth, I almost wasted all the effort, time and money because I still had reservations. I couldn't identify and got far less than I should have in meetings because, you see, I wasn't like them. In a way, I was right - I wasn't like those poor people, I was sicker than they were because I couldn't admit without reservation that I was and would always be an alcoholic, that to drink was to die.
Accepting that simple fact didn't occur in a blinding flash, it was more of a reluctant admission that, yes, I am one of them. I didn't like it, but until I got there, the rest of the steps were just words on a placard hanging from the wall.
I apologize if all this sounds like BS, but it's really important. You can't admit powerlessness and harbor thoughts of saving your son - there is no half way answer here. And until you truly get that, your actions will likely be a hurdle to your sons recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Windblown))) - I was going to warn you that you still may sink into despair, on your other thread, but didn't want to be a "debbie-downer".
I can tell you, as an RA, that you couldn't have "saved him". At best, you would have sheltered him from the consequences of using, and he would learn you are easily manipulated. Sorry to sound harsh, but that's how it is when we're actively using. It's like "ooh, boy! I've got HER snowed!!!"
It took a loooooong time for the consequences of my using to catch up with me....decades. It's not that my family didn't let me suffer consequences - they did. It's just that I was a smooth-talker and got away with a lot of stuff.
Do I feel good about it? Oh HELL no! Am I trying to teach my 18-year-old niece that doing what you want to do, damned the consequences is NOT the way to go? Yep. But she's young, she feels invincible, and I can only do so much.
It hurts, I want to save her the agony I went through. But I can't. She has to walk her own path, just as I had to walk mine. She knows I love her (as does your son), but she also knows that, with me, there are consequences for her behavior. Is it enough to keep her from doing stupid stuff? Not yet. She has addiction in every gene of her body, and all I can do is set an example of how to get your life back after really screwing up. I can't save her, and you can't save your son. We have to let them deal with life. Hard? Oh yeah, but it's what helped me and my stepbrother and stepsister (her biological aunt and uncle), and though I often cry in frustration, I have faith that my leading by example will eventually get through to her.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I can tell you, as an RA, that you couldn't have "saved him". At best, you would have sheltered him from the consequences of using, and he would learn you are easily manipulated. Sorry to sound harsh, but that's how it is when we're actively using. It's like "ooh, boy! I've got HER snowed!!!"
It took a loooooong time for the consequences of my using to catch up with me....decades. It's not that my family didn't let me suffer consequences - they did. It's just that I was a smooth-talker and got away with a lot of stuff.
Do I feel good about it? Oh HELL no! Am I trying to teach my 18-year-old niece that doing what you want to do, damned the consequences is NOT the way to go? Yep. But she's young, she feels invincible, and I can only do so much.
It hurts, I want to save her the agony I went through. But I can't. She has to walk her own path, just as I had to walk mine. She knows I love her (as does your son), but she also knows that, with me, there are consequences for her behavior. Is it enough to keep her from doing stupid stuff? Not yet. She has addiction in every gene of her body, and all I can do is set an example of how to get your life back after really screwing up. I can't save her, and you can't save your son. We have to let them deal with life. Hard? Oh yeah, but it's what helped me and my stepbrother and stepsister (her biological aunt and uncle), and though I often cry in frustration, I have faith that my leading by example will eventually get through to her.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I feel your pain wind. I am really struggling with truly accepting I am powerless over my sons addiction. I know it in my head but have not truly accepted it in my heart. I constantly have to redirect my thoughts away from thinking there is still something I can do to fix the situation. I'm hoping the true realization will hit me if I keep listening to others who have walked the road I am traveling and just trust that their wisdom and guidance will lead me to acceptance and some peace in my life.
Today was really hard for me as well. My s is supposed to check in with probation tomorrow and the fact that I haven't heard from him tells me he probably isn't going to do that. His choice, I know, but it still hurts a lot knowing he's digging a hole so deep it's going to be very hard for him to climb out. It took every ounce of strength I have to not try to get in touch with him and convince/beg/plead with him to do the right thing. I didn't though and although it hurts I know that is part of holding him accountable for his decisions.
I didn't mean to make this all about me, just wanted you to know I understand your feeli gs and you're not alone.
Today was really hard for me as well. My s is supposed to check in with probation tomorrow and the fact that I haven't heard from him tells me he probably isn't going to do that. His choice, I know, but it still hurts a lot knowing he's digging a hole so deep it's going to be very hard for him to climb out. It took every ounce of strength I have to not try to get in touch with him and convince/beg/plead with him to do the right thing. I didn't though and although it hurts I know that is part of holding him accountable for his decisions.
I didn't mean to make this all about me, just wanted you to know I understand your feeli gs and you're not alone.
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