Totally lost and need encouragement

Old 12-05-2011, 01:02 PM
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Totally lost and need encouragement

I tried to post but it didn't work so I will try again and it may be shorter this time. I have been in a relationship with a crack addict for 4 years. 2 years ago when his addiction was at it's worst he started staying out for days and became violent. I found a recovery house for him and when he went there he turned completely cold. He said he was not sure if he wanted to be with me and he hated MY behavior. He was happy to get away from me. I was totally depressed but he came home two months later using again. Since then he would spend 2 days out a month and it increased over time. He took his clothes once and would wear the same thing when he was here, washing the same clothes. It took 6 months for him to bring his clothes home during that time he would leave twice a month for a few days and come back with his clothes changed.....

Last April after being away for 2 weeks he said he wanted to come home for good and stop using. I was fed up but at his request we went to counseling. He went once because he got high the next week and was embarrassed but I kept going. He finally stayed clean for 6 weeks and did not stay out. He relapsed and I was learning to emotionally detach. He started staying out again but I didn't care. I thought I was doing well but he found a job and I thought things would start changing. He left the day before his first paycheck and stayed out. He called after spending his whole check on drugs. He was so beat up and sick I thought he learned his lesson. He stayed the days he had to work then left again. This time for two weeks callling saying he just wanted to make it on his own, then he called high after spending that check. Two weeks ago after being gone for two weeks he got paid but didn't get high until the next day. He acted miserable and came home.

Last Friday he went out while I was gone and had my cell phone. I came in and saw that he left his FB page open. Needless to say, he is in a relationship with someone else. She said she was tied of this and wanted to know where to bring his clothes. She also assumed that he was getting high but also wondered if there was another woman. I left her a message of course. He came home at 3am high with no jacket or cell phone. He didn't even care. He was so mean and rude. I spent allday Saturday crying and even at some point asked why he would not at least apologize and fight ofr us. He said I would never let it go and he had too many problems to listen to me being insecure the next few years so he was leaving.

I cried so hard I started vommiting. Sunday he asked for the car to go to work. I said no I didn't want him coming back so of course he kept throwing up that I wanted him to leave. Eventually I bargained that I would take him to work if he answered my questions (dumb move) He admitted loving her (killing me) and didn't know who he would choose. When the questions got tough he fell back on addiction, not knowing anything, living in limbo, hating himself. I took him to work hysterical. He asked if I wanted to work it out but I knew it was because she would not take him back. I said no. I am sure he found a way back to her because he has not called since yesterday and once again tomorrow is pay day. He has to work all week so he probably won't get high until Friday. I know that should not make me happy but I am hurting so bad I want him to suffer. I could not even go to work today. I have to get it together fast!!!! I am so broken, any help will do!
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Old 12-05-2011, 01:09 PM
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Believe it or not, he did you a BIG favor, he is a hard core addict and a cheater.

The only thing I can encourge you to do is to let him go, he is not your Mr. Right.

I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum and others psots.

I am sorry, however, if you will go no contact with him everything will work out fine.
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Old 12-05-2011, 01:47 PM
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PhillyDs,

I know you are hurting now but as Dolly said, he has done you a big favor. Now you can have room to work on you without the chaos of addiction.

I am happy you found this forum. You are among people who understand.
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:22 PM
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I guess I left out the part that all of those times he was leaving he was staying with her. Her FB message was the same day he came back home and he swears he left his clothes running from place to place but she has them. Then again as Anvilhead said, I really have no idea where he is when he is gone. I am assuming he is with her because it is a signifecant amout of time for her to believe he lived there as I believed he lived here. I know that the main problem is drugs but it was really painful to hear him admit that he was dealing with her for a year and loved her. Since addicts only love drugs then he told me a painful useless lie about loving her and watched me suffer.
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:25 PM
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(((phillyds))) - I, too, am a recovering crack addict. I left my third ex-bf because he still wanted to smoke crack when I chose recovery. I loved him, but I realized I would never trust him. Even if he had 3+ years clean, I knew that I'd still be worried about coming home and finding everything I owned sold/traded for drugs (happened more than a few times before I delved into my own crack addiction).

I, personally, don't doubt that he loved me..he just loved crack more. I couldn't compete, and I knew the pull of crack. As ((Anvil)) said, that crack pipe is one of the most important thing in their lives..my XABF even had a name for his I was lucky that I only used for a few years, was able to pull myself back out, but he'd been using before crack was called crack and I saw no hope.

It's not just crack that is addictive, it's the lifestyle - the manipulating, stealing, lying, and doing whatever it takes to get that high. Other women? Part of the lifestyle. Sorry to be blunt, but if you've had unprotected sex with him, you might want to get checked out.

I have chosen recovery, but there are so many others who don't. My ex died in a crack house because getting that high was more important than going to a dr. for pneumonia.

You can read many stories here, of people who have had crack addicts as their significant other (so). Some of the addicts do find recovery, but not always.

YOU deserve better than this, sweetie. I've had 3 bf's over the last 30 years, and they've all been alcoholics or addicts. I came here, trying to figure out why I chose those men. It hasn't been easy, and I have grieved. However, I have found the type person I DON'T want to be with, and I've come to believe I deserve a man who will complement my life...not complete it, not make me literally sick at the relationship, but someone who will add to my life. I deserve it, and so do you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-05-2011, 06:15 PM
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hi Philly,
your story, when seen from the outside, is so completely awful that I can't believe you are with him still. I just made my ex move out about a month ago. I am grieving, most certainly, but with every post I read, with every single person I talk to, EVERY single one, I know that I am doing the right thing. Those Trujillo papers tell it all. We are so ABSOLUTELY POWERLESS over their addiction. While alcoholics talk about their demons, crack addicts talk about the devil. it is the big bad as@ daddy and it has your man in its grip...he has not in anyway decided to do what it takes to even start trying to pry one knuckle off that grip.

You are going to need help. We, who fall in love with people who are addicted to crack, are up against the wall and over a barrel and we can't see it. It sounds to me like you can't see the situation you are in...not clearly. You need help Philly...BIG TIME

If you start to see more clearly...reading these posts helps...and meetings...and support of any kind...GET IT, GET HELP. If you start to see more clearly I cannot imagine you are going to want to stay...but you are probably going to have a REALLY hard time getting out. Getting free. Crack is total insanity, and loving a crack addict...I swear the devil reaches through them and the manipulation and lies and gets you addicted.

Every time you think "why can't he not use?" turn it into "why can't I not be in this insanity?" Your story is one of the worst ones I have heard on here. He is a nasty master manipulator. I am praying for you...
PLEASE keep seeking help for yourself.
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Old 12-05-2011, 06:42 PM
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[QUOTE=lesliej;3195694]hi Philly,
your story, when seen from the outside, is so completely awful that I can't believe you are with him still.

I kicked him out for the first time yesterday. He usually leaves on his own. I felt slighty good knowing that I was not a weak as I thought. Oh, the pain is almost too much to bare. I am like a walking zombie. He has not called and I have not tried to get in touch with him. I am doing the no contact rule. I have to start somewhere
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Old 12-05-2011, 07:24 PM
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I can relate to your pain - I finally divorced my husband when he began using crack again. We have 2 kids, aged 2 and 3. The collapse of my family at the hands of his addiction has been one of the worst things I've ever been through. BUT - I am getting through it, and so can you. I suggest you get some serious support, via this web site but also local Nar-anon meetings. These meetings/ people have helped me tremendously to stay the course. If you can't find Nar-anon, you can also try local Al-anon meetings. (You can find meetings near you on the Internet). You will get a support network of people who completely understand what you are going through and will help you detach from this insane individual. Once I created enough distance, I was finally able to see the harsh reality of what was going on. My husband's true nature is actually kind and good, but crack is pure evil, and it all but snuffs out any reason to stay. I am finally starting to feel and believe that there is more to life than the insanity of being with a crack addict. You sound like me - almost like you are addicted to the addict. Well, think of what they have to go through to get away fron their addiction - they have to resist overwhelming urges. And so do we. It is extremely difficult to resist the urge to call them, look after them, care for them. But the only way to be free is to do just that. It's too hard to do alone, which is why I have sought support for help with it. Eventually, the only way any of us will change is when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Just want you to know that there is hope - it will be hard, but you can do it. You deserve SO much better.
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Old 12-05-2011, 09:08 PM
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Be careful

[QUOTE=phillyds;3195719]
Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
hi Philly,
your story, when seen from the outside, is so completely awful that I can't believe you are with him still.

I kicked him out for the first time yesterday. He usually leaves on his own. I felt slighty good knowing that I was not a weak as I thought. Oh, the pain is almost too much to bare. I am like a walking zombie. He has not called and I have not tried to get in touch with him. I am doing the no contact rule. I have to start somewhere
Phillyds, today I am off crack for 84 days and after reading your post.I've never been more ashamed of myself for being a crackhead. I am so sorry you are going through this. Probably the only thing you can do is leave him. Be very careful and do not let him near you for any reason. I hope you have happy holidays and god bless you.
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Old 12-05-2011, 09:41 PM
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The support of others is so essential. I am going to guess that you will not be able to do this alone...that is what my sponsor told me a year ago. At the first relapse, almost two years ago I started reading everything I could possibly get my hands on and talking to everyone who would listen.
Yes, addicts need love. But there are many forms of love. The love they need is the love of fellowship of recovery. I finally decided to quit giving my love for the addict to sneak away and send up in smoke.
It has been a month. I was so afraid to let go. I was so resistant to admitting it was a lost cause (thinking my love would help him) it was shameful to me to admit I was wrong...that I hadn't listened to all the experience, strength and hope for almost two years. I was also very afraid of facing the grief...for good reason. Yes it is painful. My heart is growing, it hurts. I know it is best, for both of us to let him go.

We need help in this grief. Last night my sponsor generously sat on the phone with me for an hour while I raged and wept. Part of my process is to take my love back...it doesn't belong in the shady nasty crack hood. My heart doesn't belong in the hands of someone who is so careless and cavalier about their "program" that they leave canyon size holes in order to use. I am taking my heart back. I know why I loved him. I know my love. I don't want my love to be a destructive addiction...and when I can't stop giving it to someone who throws it into the crack pipe and burns it into lies and deception...well...I want a healthier heart than that!
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Old 12-06-2011, 12:12 AM
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I am sooo sorry. Please.... get some help for yourself. All the posts above are right on...he did you a favor...

"When the questions got tough he fell back on addiction, not knowing anything, living in limbo, hating himself.."
This is quacking.. quack quack... he'll say anything to manipulate you. look at his ACTIONS. They are of someone that wants to get high, and rest/crash period.

Again I'm sorry but this CAN get worse. When he gets desperate.. this CAN and WILL get physical. Please change your locks, get an alarm system, or MOVE. I wasn't ready to let go of my husband but i at least moved, got a PO box, and will never let him know where I live, no matter how good he's doing.. my home is a peaceful sanctuary, as yours should be. There's no banging at 4 in the morning. Please take the advice and go to AL Anon and get a new therapist just for yourself.
This is NOTHING NEW.. it's been going on for 4 YEARS. Please get some help. You are in my prayers.
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Old 12-06-2011, 01:10 AM
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I don't know how this will be taken. But, I am an addict. I'm not on "hard" drugs, yet, I'm an addict all the same. I love my fiance and he loves me. He does not support what I do. Still, firsthand, I do know that addicts need love too. Perhaps, addicts need love more than non-addicts. And, people say that addicts cannot love anyone else because they don't love themselves. That is not true. I love myself. However, I have dealt with so much pain and dissappointment that it is difficult for me to deal with life sober. I was given drugs by a trusted close relative when I was only 12 years old. I had no idea the effect that it would have on my life. Before I knew it, I was an addict. Once I became an addict, it was difficult to quit. Now, I'm an adult and after 13 years, I'm just now making an honest effort to stop what I'm doing once and for all. I feel that people judge things too harshly when they cannot empathize with another's experience. On behalf of all addicts out there, I would like to thank the people who are able to still love us and who are able to love us so much that they are obligated to leave us. I understand... Thanks you!
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Old 12-06-2011, 04:38 AM
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To Neferkamichael: congratulations on 84 days. That's amazing, and I for one am rooting for you. As they say in the program: "Don't quit before the miracle!" And to RecallingMyself: I am in recovery for almost 18 years. I agree with you that there are people who judge addicts harshly. It's hard for me to discuss my ex's crack addiction with certain people - even family, b/c of the fear of judgement. I still love him, and I'd give the world for his recovery. I hate crack, because I believe it's pure evil, and it pains me to see and hear of anyone who is struggling with addiction to it, or who loves someone who is addicted to it. I guess all of this boils down to each of us trying to figure out how to do the only thing each of us can actually do in this lifetime, which is to take care of ourselves, and keep the focus on ourselves. I know this is the truth, but what has been hard has been the process of detaching from the addict to allow him to be responsible for his own stuff. Thank you for acknowledging that acting in love for another person may involve making and carrying out very painful decisions. And on a final note - thanks to the comments from the crack addicts in recovery. You give us hope that a solution is possible, and I congratulate you. I cannot even fathom going through what you've been through, and I hope you are given the strength to continue on the path of recovery and ultimately live the life you deserve.
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Old 12-06-2011, 05:11 AM
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Get yourself tested for STDs and hepatitis.

Addicts are exposed to who-knows-what, and to other addicts who have been exposed to who-knows-what, and then they bring it home, to you.

CLMI
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Old 12-06-2011, 07:55 PM
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I do believe that addicts are judged harshly but that is because of their harsh treatment. It is easier for me to say that this is about addiction instead of saying he really didn't love me and was using me all along until he found his queen. If addicts love, then what he is showing me is not love, what he shows his mom is not love, what he shows his children is not love. So if love is up to him is he just so cruel? Is it that I am unloveable? If addicts can love then I am back to thinking I did something wrong. But if it is addiction I know that I did nothing to deserve this cruel treatment
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Old 12-06-2011, 08:45 PM
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(((phyllids))) - It's not that you're unlovable, at all. I loved my XABF when I was using, he loved me, but that just wasn't enough. There was this HUGE issue in between us - I wanted recovery, he wanted "Nadine", his beloved crack pipe. I gave him moral support the few times I talked to him, but made no promises on us getting together (when he'd be in jail and making jailhouse promises).

Do I think he went out of the way to hurt me? Nope, just as I didn't when I was using people. I never used AT anyone, hurt a lot of people, but honestly, all I thought about was getting the next high. It's not an excuse, justification or anything else - it is just what it was. Sure, I realized I was hurting my loved ones, but my solution was get high and forget about it.

You do not deserve this treatment, no one does. There just comes a time when we realize we can't fix this, we can't love them into recovery, we can only do what is best for ourselves, and that often involves letting them go.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-06-2011, 08:55 PM
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what if it isn't either/or? this kind of "splittedness" the crazy making confusion is probably just par for the course. the man I loved was Jekyll & Hyde (Hide...as in disappear and use until he ran out of money) when he was Jekyll he was amazing. it doesn't even matter whether Jekyll was real or not...whether he was manipulating me or not...I just couldn't deal with Hyde anymore! so maybe it doesn't matter whether or not love is involved...it is whether you can deal with addiction. with an addict you get both/and, not either/or. avoid the confusion in anyway possible because it is a house of smoke and mirrors. I know my addict loved me and I loved him, still do actually...I just can't live with the addiction and so far he isn't able to commit to living without it so he will live (hopefully) without me.

I needed to be free of the heartache, the bitterness, the anger, frustration, sadness, lost time and energy...on and on, the list goes on and on.
and yes! i loved him...still do! but done with the addiction!
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Old 12-07-2011, 04:30 PM
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I went to naranon for about three months and I did feel better. When he disappeared again and I knew it would have to end I stopped going because I felt that if he was not going to be in my life I did not need naranon. I wanted to go last Tuesday but the depression kept me from doing anything, I could hardly function at work. I do know that I cannot deal with this pain again, next time I may end up in the hospital so I do accept that I cannot be with him anymore. Unlike others I do not believe that he loves me, my love for him is what kept us together. I am glad that he has not called since Sunday and I hope he can do better now that I am not enabling him. I will go to naranon next week. I know that I need a sponsor. I continued to go to the therapist after the first couple's counseling session and I made progress but here I am today back down again. The posts are very inspiring, giving me hope that although I feel that this pain will last longer than I care to suffer, I will have better days.
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