seek

I need a lot of tips to develop new habits. How do you stay out of fear? Particularly mothers or family members of people who are acting out with alcohol? The person I am concerned about is only 18 and does not have a lot of life skills . . .so some of the stuff is:

- Does he have food?
- Court date ("What's going to happen?" - I seem to have a lot of worries related to future events - the mystery of it drives me bananas if I let it.
- All kinds of other survival stuff (What's going to happen when the weather gets bad (he wrecked his car and is walking/taking the bus) . . .

The worries I have are the kind you would have about a child . . .I realize he is legally an "adult" - but he is in a deep hole and I have no idea what he is doing . . .

What I am trying to do is pray and divert myself as much as possible. I do cry and worry and then pray some more . . .please tell me how you cope with the worries and fears related to your loved one. I think it is much easier when I am in anger . . .(but that is also very uncomfortable).

P.S. I have the most trouble with "unknowns" - "Whats' he doing? Is he hungry? Is he sick? How will this turn out, How will that turn out, What if this happens, What if that happens," etc. My challenge is that I have very little faith and trust.

Thank you

MeredithD1

hi, Seek. I told myself that my worry would not affect the outcome, and in fact, the only thing worry did was to make ME sick, pull ME out of my OWN life, waste MY energy. It took telling this to myself over and over again - and sometimes I have to remind myself again. My HP absolutely, positively helps me with this every day.

Willybluedog

All you can do is provide best advice and step back, not much you can do otherwise except drive yourself nuts, I am a worrier by nature, my therapist is working with me on this.

My dad and I had this conversation when I was 18 and driving him crazy, I told him "you gave me all the tools and did the best you could, what I do with it is up to me, i have to sink or swim on my own, you might as well quit feeling guilty, if I fail it's 100% on me"

We both did much better after that.

Let him live his life, it's up to him to ask for help, guilt and worry serve no purpose.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

seek

It's just emotionally very difficult. I have feelings that come up. It is a roller coaster. Working on my spiritual practice.

Tuffgirl

That's a hard one to give up...I still struggle with it. When I start feeling the anxiety creep in (which I know is fear and worry), I write it all down in the form of a prayer to God and the Universe and that helps me to let it go. Plus, keeping myself busy and occupied with other things - even the most mundane (like laundry!).

m1k3

Mostly I do it by working my program. A couple of techniques I have used is when I catch myself hopping onto the worry treadmill I start to do my 'Namu Amida Buddha' meditation. I just keep repeating that in my head until I am centered and calm again. I have been doing it long enough now that I often find myself starting to chant before I even have a chance to get a good fuss going.

Another thing that works is counting breaths or deep breathing. I simply prefer the Nimbutsu (chanting the Amida Buddha).

Each of us has their own path and I try to keep my eyes on mine and let others walk the path of their choosing. Remember his choices are what led him to this path and this is exactly the path he needs to be on until HE is ready to change it.

Your friend,

choublak

If he has enough life skills to get alcohol, he has enough life skills to get food.

I see the taking the bus thing as a possible opportunity to meet other people who take the bus, maybe that will give him more perspectives on life.

FWIW, it took one of my RA uncles several years of jail time, work release, probation violations, etc., for him to finally wise up. Just something to keep in the back of your mind.

nodaybut2day

The serenity prayer is my most useful tool especially for dealing with anxiety about things I simply cannot control. At first, I used to feel...silly...for praying for help, but eventually, I saw that when I did go ahead and ASK for help, it came to me...maybe not in the form I was hoping for (i.e. Big Bearded Dude sitting on a cloud suddenly zapping my problems away), but it did come. I would find moments of peace in a smile from a colleague, an email from a friend, a song on the radio or just a breath of fresh air.

m1k3

A little Buddhist saying that works really well.

Breathe, relax, smile.

Your friend,

Thumper

Like noday I say the serenity prayer. Many times a day at certain points. I really thought about the words each time and how they applied. I used some visualization with it too.

m1k3

I don't remember who posted the serenity prayer this way but it really, really helped me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (other people, places, things)
The courage to change the things I can (me, myself, I)
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I think it was dollydoo but I'm not sure. Anyway I'm giving her the credit because of all the other good stuff she has posted and I'm to lazy to look it up.

Your friend,

seek

Some really good ideas - thanks to everyone . . . the only one I am having a problem with at the moment, is the Biblical passage about the speck in someone's eye and the log in one's own eye. I "get" that and think it is excellent advice, but it triggers resentment in me . . .

In my family there are the givers and the takers, the responsible and irresponsible ones . . .never mind "why."

This is a rant, so don't expect it to be rational!!! I am in a lot of pain . . .one resentment has to do with the problem drinkers/alcoholics/out-of-control people messing up the family - we are all in crisis or having our own emotional challenges trying to cope with their behaviors . . .since it's Christmastime, I think how the family holiday might be influenced by the sadness and disarray of the family. Members have become alienated from each other because of actions of two people . . . and they show no signs of straightening themselves up anytime soon. I "get" that I just have to accept that fact and cope with all of it somehow, but it is very, very painful . . . as they say, "I did not cause it, I cannot control it or cure it." I DID NOT CAUSE IT . . .and I feel like a victim to it and that our family is victim to it and I am not happy about this!

I also have a karma dilemma . . .I feel these people will reap what they sew, but because I love them, I will also suffer over their suffering (I am empathetic - I know in the AA model that is considered unhealthy, but I see it also as a gift I was born with . . .a spiritual gift . . .I sense things and know things that other people do not pick up on . . .and I chose to not pathologize that, but I digress).

Part of my resentment is that it seems so obvious what "right living" is . . . and what will likely happen if you choose to live recklessly and unethically, etc. - and to think there will be no repercussions for your actions, or that the people who care about you won't be affected (or not care that they are affected because you are too caught up in your own pain and your own drama) . . .rant, rant, rant . . .

I am doing a spiritual practice but it is not going well at the moment.

Some people post rational advice that is hard to implement because my FEELINGS are not rational . . . they are energies in my body that become activated . . .even when I am "thinking positively" and trying to distract myself . . . there is still this underlying concern, fear, and worry . . .back to the breath, back to the elements that are helping me, back to prayer, back to all of my practices. Thank you for listening.

m1k3

That's why it's called practice. In the beginning it's hard to do and I really had to focus on it and sometimes I would forget and get all caught up on the treadmill to nowhere again. But I have found that if I stick with it and I was mindful of my thoughts I began to catch them before they went completely ballistic on me. Now I'm at a point where it doesn't happen much at all and I catch them almost before I notice them. And if something is getting me upset it means I have work to do on myself to figure out why. What's triggering those feeling and what can I do make things better. There's always room for improvement.

So, it seems to me you are on the right path, just keep working it.

Your friend,

seek

Thank you. I think some of it was created by some dreams I had (which I cannot recall).

vujade

I definitely have problems with obsessing over the unknown. In the past, I have found myself worrying endlessly about every possible angle so I can think of every possible strategy...usually only to find that most things never turned out the way I catastrophized them.

How I personally get through those moments by redirecting my attention to something else. The WORST thing for me is to let my mind ride the panic or to sit in silence. The more I ALLOW myself to obsesses about it, the more painful it becomes. And that pain is completely counterproductive.

Also, like Mike suggested, I breathe. A lot. I breathe and remind myself to accept what is not in my control. It is VERY hard to see someone make self-destructive choices but I have to remember that it IS a choice. And not mine. I tell myself that it is not my right to deny someone what they choose in life. And it isn't.

And sometimes it is HARD. Sometimes I feel a pain in my chest and stomach that make me feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. But I ride it out and I breathe. I have to tell you, I liken my obsession with the uncontrollable to the alcoholics craving for a drink (after all, my addiction IS the addict). I just have to get through the intense yearning and come out of it by whatever means possible and over time, it gets easier.

I know you are really feeling turmoil right now. Have you found anything that helps guide your daily thought process? I read like CRAZY for quite some time...posted helpful quotes all over my office. I got to the point where I could repeat them in my head at crucial moments (one of my favorites is "I cannot control your behavior, I can only control my reaction to your behavior"). It really helped me. And, of course, AlAnon is absolutely invaluable.

vujade

Seek - I completely get what you are saying. I physically FEEL people's emotions. I know some people might think I'm full of hooey...but I know what I know. It is actually painful for me to be around people who are wreaking havoc in their lives and sometimes I feel like that is my motivation for trying to "fix" it. I can't stand that pain.

I agree, it all seems very straight-forward to me, too. If you make bad choices, bad things happen. So...stop making bad choices. The problem for me is that I get too focused on other people's bad choices and consequences and stop taking care of MY spirit. Too much energy OUT, not enough IN. We deplete our emotional "bank account" when we keep spending energy outside of ourselves. When I'm in full-out spending-out mode, you can physically see it in me. Less bounce in my walk. Less shine in my eyes.

I love what Mike said...it DOES take practice. And I certainly fall off my game sometimes. UGH. But it DOES get easier when you start working on channeling that energy back into you. It feels awkward for care-takers to do that at first. It feels selfish and unfamiliar. But keep practicing. It works.

seek

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I do feel "spirit" talks to me through you people and this site and I have a lot of gratitude that people are willing to stop what they are doing to try to assist others "on the path."

I have been cleaning and moving furniture around . . .will get to my studies next . . .

It did help me to write that rant out . . .I don't know where those deep resentments came from, but they were/are powerful.

Learn2Live

To your question, what I do about fear of the unknown is: First, The Serenity Prayer. Second, have faith in my Higher Power.

About resentment: Let Go and Let God. I also had to do a lot of work on my Wants and Expectations.

I also have a very strong sixth sense, not sure what anyone would call it. It is "otherworldly." I also used to be proud of it, etc. Until I realized 1. It made me feel "different" than others, separate, which was working against me because it hurt my feelings that I was not the same. And 2. I realized it was contributing to the typical feelings of Personal Exceptionalism associated with Alcoholism and Addiction. Which is so unhealthy.

I understand what you mean about the disconnect between rational words and advice, and FEELINGS. I'm likely the most sensitive FEELING person ever to be born on earth and suffered because of it for decades. I felt so much I made my SELF sick, not to mention all the people who had to listen to me whine and cry, sob, and scream about my feelings over all those decades. I remember working through this problem, or at least talking about it, here on SR. I think what worked for me was I read a self-help book about how your thinking creates your reality, I think it was Brian Tracy who first got me started. I worked very hard on controlling my thought processes in order to control my feelings. It can be done, you can get control over them. If I can do it, ANYBODY can.

Another thing I had to do in order to help myself, was stop thinking I am better than everyone else, meaning the alcoholics and addicts in my family. I didn't realize it at the time, which was many, many years, but I dishonored a lot of people this way, by believing that ONLY I could see what was going on, and that they were INCAPABLE of living a life the right way. Sooner or later, I had to learn, there is no such thing as "right." In ALL families there are 'responsible' and 'irresponsible' people, givers and takers. It's just human nature. Everybody has their own way of doing things and I am NO ONE to tell ANYONE ELSE how to live their life. Now, even if I just THINK how someone else SHOULD BE living their life, I stop myself short and shift my focus. I mind my own business. Unless they ask. Then that's a different story

Also, Yoga helped me immensely.

seek

You have good points . . .I disagree that there are not "right" ways to live (as in Buddhist precepts - Right Intention, Right Motive, Right Action, etc.) . . . I do judge that the people who live this way, as opposed to immorally or unethically or causing other people problems are not better, in spirit, but "better" in action . . .in that my actions hopefully do not cause other people as much pain as some people cause me and others in my family. I know this is all relative and that I have caused other people pain by my actions and my unhappiness the way others are living their lives . . .so I do have a lot of work to do in that area . . .

But I don't think it is cool that some people are mainly takers and mainly irresponsible, and mainly selfish and self-destructive . . . their actions hurt not only themselves, but others . . .and I will never believe that is "right" or appropriate. My work is to pay attention to myself, calm myself down, TRY not to judge the troublemakers - TRY to live in peace, despite what the troublemakers are doing or not doing (I see I am having quite a fit of resentment here) . . .

I honestly don't know how to appropriately deal with my resentment and disappointment. The expectations are another problem - Of course you want your family members to be healthy and happy, so that is a "want" that seems quite reasonable - how could anyone NOT want that? It's like you have to brainwash yourself to be a mindless zombie who doesn't have any opinions about anything.

What am I missing?

lillamy

So maybe this doesn't matter, but... who is this "family member"?
I'm asking because if it were my child, I would probably have a hard time not feeling responsible for his "lack of life skills" given that I would to some extent be responsible for not having provided those during his/her childhood.
But it doesn't sound like it's your child you're talking about.