Oh Grief...

Old 12-04-2011, 09:13 PM
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Oh Grief...

Grieving the loss of my ex ABF
I struggle with this actually.
I have family and I have friends and I have acquaintances.
But my ex boyfriend addict was my favorite person in my world.
Hard to believe I'm sure.
Because I am in recovery, for alcoholism and now for codependency, I have created a community that holds me responsible and accountable.
So when he kept relapsing (he went out and used at least 8 times in two years) it finally came to a point when I knew I had to let him go.
I had to let him go because he was relapsing regularly, because of that he was an active user.
Because he was an active user and I loved him I was a "codependent enabler".
I loved him...but my love for him even though he uses tells him somehow its okay to use. That is how I enabled him. I didn't give him money. I gave him love.
In the recovery community there just isn't room for argument, that's what it feels like.
Especially since we weren't married.
Cut and dry. I feel labeled and categorized. And now that I have finally stood tall in the accountability I created I feel like I am supposed to just "Move On"
Enabler...you have no right to grieve.

But he was my favorite person, he was my partner in things that were intellectual, creative and spiritual too.
People will deny me that now, that since he was relapsing he could not have been spiritual.
I am told that I am fantasizing.
I suppose I could say that I am not entirely sure whether all the myriad ways that we spent time together were true.
Maybe he is just an evil dark horse chameleon who mirrored all the best parts of my life and engaged with me on romantic, mental, physical and spiritual levels just so he could use me...use me for love.

So now I am doing what I am told is best.
I let him go.
Soulmate with Addiction or Evil Using Chameleon
Compassion or Codependent.

I am tired of the labels.
I want to be able to grieve the loss of someone I loved dearly, I need to go through the process of denial and bargaining and anger and sorrow.
I deserve the dignity of this grief.
I will safeguard my vulnerability at this time, so that I will not go back to someone who needs to go and find recovery.
I will safeguard myself so that I can move through this and find light on the other side of this dark sorrow.
My love was stolen by crack addiction.
My love was my love.
Maybe I did not see clearly enough, quickly enough.
Maybe I had to learn.
But I am grieving none the less.
I pray for anyone who has to carry the burden of shame, of labeling, as they move through the grief that is the loss of love.
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Old 12-04-2011, 10:00 PM
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(((leslie))) - I understand. When I broke up with XABF#3, all I heard was how bad he'd been for me (my partner in everything, including crack). I still had to go through the grief. A couple years later, his mom died, who I adored (and she adored me)..grief again, especially since he was still "out there" though I did see him at her funeral. A couple years later, he died...in a crack house.

Whether what we had was real, to the eyes of someone else? It really doesn't matter to me. I loved him, we broke up and I grieved. I grieved again when he died. My family doesn't get it, the people who know me don't much either, but I really think this is a personal thing. We hurt, we grieve and then we try to move on.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-04-2011, 11:51 PM
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Leslie, You do have the right to grieve your great loss & more importantly you Need to grieve your loss. I'm so sorry for your loss & for your pain.
**************{Caring Hugs}}}}}}}}}
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Old 12-05-2011, 12:15 PM
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I lost my son to addiction. Not everyone makes it. 2% recovery rate for addicts. I am grieving too. Reaching out hard to Spirit and listening for direction and staying in the moment has helped me a lot. Don't push yourself. It takes time. Every day is a little brighter for me. Cry your tears...we'll be there for you.
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Old 12-05-2011, 12:16 PM
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Ooops
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Old 12-05-2011, 01:08 PM
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Hi lesliej,
Just wanted to say you're not alone! And I agree with what you say. I think people get tough with each other moving on because of their own grief, but it's not very helpful to be made to feel ashamed of your love, or to have to reach the conclusion that the relationship was all lies.
I was in the same boat as you. My ex was my very best friend and he is not replaceable unfortunately. I know our relationship was real! I knew him since i was a child, we were distant friends until we got together in our 20s, and spent 15 years together or apart - but always always best friends.
I also know he had addiction problems, I also know he lied to me, and I also know that I probably enabled him in the same way as you.
He died 2 1/2 years ago and I still miss him horribly. Sometimes I can't believe I was ever that close to another human being, and I doubt I will ever feel that way again about anyone. )-:
I don't understand the whole "move on" thing. Of course that's easy if you don't love the person, but if you do - well, just because they have an addiction that doesn't make it easier. If anything it makes it harder because you know they are not okay.
I know two things that are true - I loved my ex, nobody can make me say that wasn't true or that my love was all dysfunction, I KNOW I loved him and he me; I also know I couldn't stay with him because I could not handle the world he became a part of, and I couldn't help him.
Another true thing is the grief.
I am really sorry that you are going through this also. I personally do not believe in the labels, but addiction is a hard thing - an impossible thing - to fight in another! And so the best thing to do is to work on yourself and finding peace. But I agree with you, it is not easy and I'm not sure why some others want to make it seem "weak" if you are struggling with leaving the one that you love.
You really are not alone xx
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Old 12-05-2011, 10:04 PM
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thank you all for the understanding replies. I am sorry that any of us suffer such loss to such a horrific reason. so senseless and cruel.

part of my process is coming to an understanding that my love for him does not need to be connected to his crack addiction. as I move forward in my life, in all of its beautiful unfolding, (and I do mean without him) I will reclaim my heart, my love, my memories. I will not deny his truth and I am sure I will see both of our truths more clearly with time. but I do know this...it was never ever my intention to send my heart into the hood with him and shove it in a pipe. yes, I gave it to him for all of the beautiful reasons, and yes, I took it back because of his use.

I get to hold my heart, I know how I love and what I love. I do not have to hold that memory in the same place as his manipulation and addiction. My love is mine and I shined it on him for awhile...
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Old 12-06-2011, 12:28 AM
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"I get to hold my heart, I know how I love and what I love. I do not have to hold that memory in the same place as his manipulation and addiction. My love is mine and I shined it on him for awhile..."

Someone asked me if I regret marrying my CH AH... I said no. For what you so beautifully articulated above. We are not crazy. There are no labels on love. What we felt was beautiful, pure, and real. So I hope you're not beating yourself up.. (I had to stop beating myself up... I moved, took a pay cut... etc etc).... Truth is beauty. There was something true and beautiful in what you had with him.. or you would not be mourning it. You are not forsaking that... you are simply honoring your own healthy boundaries. Like someone put it to me... "you left an addict... not your husband...." It's ok to cherish the good times as long as we have a healthy grip on reality. I'm sorry.. but thank you for articulating this grief so eloquently...
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Old 12-06-2011, 12:32 AM
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Christ, between your grief post and the dog being gone I can't stop crying.

But my ex boyfriend addict was my favorite person in my world.

Ahhgghh.. he said that when he proposed... "I love you, NEVER forget you are my favorite person.. the most important thing in the world..." and he was to me. Oh dear God... I really think I'm going to call a shrink and get some meds.
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Old 12-06-2011, 03:20 AM
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******** Leslie}}}}}}}}}
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