pacificsunrise

hello everyone and happy holidays to you all.

with the holidays coming so close i have been thinking more and more about my husband's parents and his family. my AH and i have been separated for almost 9 months now and his family has not seen the children at all in this time (not that they made a super duper effort to see them before, even when we were together; most of the time we had to visit them and bring the kids). however, we did spend all the holidays going to his parents house and his mom would cook and we all would have a good time.

i know that some of you are grandparents and was wondering what your take on this might be. when i left in march, i called his mom and tried to explain to her that he was still using (promised to his parents and me last thanksgiving that he would quit) and that he will eventually die from drugs if he does not quit. she listened to me and seemed to agree. after a few days, both his parents have decided to stay out of our affairs as they seemed to see it as a marital disagreement.

beginning of april, his mom has left me a message that her son is entitled to seeing his children and if i plan on keeping them from him, she will see me in court. she and her husband support their son 100% and will stand behind him. also said how i have labeled her son and all his friends as addicts. i never called her back. sent them cards for wedding anniversary and birthdays, but never called them. got a call for mother's day and a text thanking me for her birthday card. in october, before the baby came she called (i did't pick up) and said that they are there if i needed anything considering the baby was coming. i didn't call. then, in the hospital, she called me and i wouldn't have answered, but it was a hospital phone, so i didn't know it was her and we spoke like nothing happened and she asked to speak to her son if he was there (which he was) and that was it.

sorry this is so long. now, my plan is to mail them their Christmas gifts and leave it at that (my brother in law and his family live with my in-laws).

i was just wondering what is the opinion of them seeing the children. i feel that if they have called me and specifically asked if i would be willing to let them see the children or meet them somewhere so they can spend time together then i would have been more compelled to make an effort. as of right now i am leaving it as is.

all thoughts and input are appreciated.
hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

thank you cynical. i was thinking about meeting them at a restaurant or something similar, but my concern is that they will promptly inform my AH and then he will show up as well. also, on one occasion when my daughter did speak to her grandma on the phone, grandma asked if she missed her daddy, which in my opinion was not necessary. i have the feeling that they will make sure that he is brought up and i am concerned about it upsetting the kids (mainly the 4 yr old).

in a way, i feel that i should just leave the things as they are and if they want to see the kids, then let them come up w/ the ideas. i will just bear feeling bad about it and that's it.

once again, thank you cynical. those ideas are great and maybe i will just take the kids by myself.
hugs and prayers.

outtolunch

MIL does not sound ready to respect your boundaries. All things considered, send a holiday card with a pix of the kids and call it a day. No reason to gift them.

tjp613

I agree -- save your money!

Windblown

Does your AH have visitation rights? Are you filing for a divorce? You said you have been seperated for 9 months....is it a legal seperation? Have you decided what to do about the marriage? Have you gone to an attorney? These are questions I would be asking myself. Are you finished with this relationship or are you hanging on to a fantasy that he just might get clean? It sounds kind of fuzzy. Has your AH seen the children at all in 9 months? Has he asked to? This may need the help of a mediator...or attorney if you are done. Does your AH send child support? Sorry about all the questions but having been through divorces with addicts and our children involved...it is very important to take action in what is most beneficial for the children, and get it in writing and get on with it. What if the grand-parents came to visit at your house while you monitored the visit? If they are enabling the AH...they are going to have to have rules from you legally about what you will and will not accept. I would seek a professional legal person once you have decided what you are going to do with the marriage. Just a suggestion. Attorneys cost money but without clear definitions you're in an uncomfortable spot.