Being honest
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
Being honest
Over the years my thought process about drinking often includes, "If no one really knows that I'm drinking, if I keep it together and there are no bad effects, then it's my own little secret and it's fine". The problem is that even if I DO keep it together and even if there ARE no outward side effects , "I" know that I did it and I let myself down, I keep myself from feeling my best, I don't do the things I need to do, and I regret it. So, that thinking sucks and it doesn't work and I need to erase it from my brain.
I drank yesterday. I was cleaning, doing laundry and more Christmas decorating, and just kept feeling like it would be SOO much better if I was doing this with a beer or wine. I really didn't battle with myself much, I just decided and that was it, I went to the store. My "voice" told me that beer is less potent, so I bought light beer. So, I had 4 beers, went to a friend's house to take care of something (didn't drink there) for about 3 hours, then came home and had 4 more beers. Basically 8 beers over about 8 hours so I was hardly drunk and I"m not hungover, but I was buzzed, and I wasn't completely present for what was happening around me, I got irritated often, I began to think bad, obsessive thoughts which made me grumpy. Luckily, I dont feel hungover at all, just mad at myself.
Just being honest helps me to be accountable and learn from it, rather than letting this be the beginning of another month or two binge before I 'try to stop" again. I LOVE how I feel not drinking.
My triggers are:
-boredom, or just doing mundane tasks
-negative thoughts and emotions that make me want to push them away
-hunger
-anxiety (about all I have to do, about money, etc..)
-my kids misbehaving, or arguing with me or each other
I worry that since I'm not hungover (I don't feel as good as I do when I didn't drink the day before, but not awful) I will use that as an excuse to keep drinking.
Thank you SR friends. I truly think that if I couldn't come here and be honest, get support, and relate to you all of you, I wouldn't realize all that I am realizing and keep pushing for a better life for myself.
I drank yesterday. I was cleaning, doing laundry and more Christmas decorating, and just kept feeling like it would be SOO much better if I was doing this with a beer or wine. I really didn't battle with myself much, I just decided and that was it, I went to the store. My "voice" told me that beer is less potent, so I bought light beer. So, I had 4 beers, went to a friend's house to take care of something (didn't drink there) for about 3 hours, then came home and had 4 more beers. Basically 8 beers over about 8 hours so I was hardly drunk and I"m not hungover, but I was buzzed, and I wasn't completely present for what was happening around me, I got irritated often, I began to think bad, obsessive thoughts which made me grumpy. Luckily, I dont feel hungover at all, just mad at myself.
Just being honest helps me to be accountable and learn from it, rather than letting this be the beginning of another month or two binge before I 'try to stop" again. I LOVE how I feel not drinking.
My triggers are:
-boredom, or just doing mundane tasks
-negative thoughts and emotions that make me want to push them away
-hunger
-anxiety (about all I have to do, about money, etc..)
-my kids misbehaving, or arguing with me or each other
I worry that since I'm not hungover (I don't feel as good as I do when I didn't drink the day before, but not awful) I will use that as an excuse to keep drinking.
Thank you SR friends. I truly think that if I couldn't come here and be honest, get support, and relate to you all of you, I wouldn't realize all that I am realizing and keep pushing for a better life for myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
I'm glad that you keep pushing for a better life for yourself. I think it's important to try to be the best we can be in this lifetime. I'm glad you're back here and trying again.
I used to be totally bored doing housework and mundane errands. I didn't think I could ever feel any happiness at the end of a day which was so boring. I really needed to reconnect with my spiritual self. I needed to know that I had a purpose in this life at this time. Once I had that spiritual connection, my perspective changed dramatically.
I used to be totally bored doing housework and mundane errands. I didn't think I could ever feel any happiness at the end of a day which was so boring. I really needed to reconnect with my spiritual self. I needed to know that I had a purpose in this life at this time. Once I had that spiritual connection, my perspective changed dramatically.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I often drank like that.
What can I say. You just don't sound committed to never drinking again. It took me 3 years of on-and-off SR, 18 years of drinking. The first 4 years of my son's life.
'Triggers' and their analysis are only a little helpful, IME. It was more helpful for me to realize that I drank because I wanted to. And I didn't stay stopped until I found something I liked better. But I didn't learn what I liked better until I forced myself to stop drinking and figure out new ways to live life.
You really have to figure out a way where you can't whimsically down 8 beers on a Saturday and think it's OK. That is a binge and it's not a normal thing for kids to see. No matter how it's broken up.
I have been there (and worse). I really 'get' where you are and what you're saying.
It's often said here that the worst thing that can happen to an alcoholic who drinks is.... NOTHING. The worst thing is like what you did yesterday b/c it lures you into this sense that it can be somehow OK to keep it up.
What can I say. You just don't sound committed to never drinking again. It took me 3 years of on-and-off SR, 18 years of drinking. The first 4 years of my son's life.
'Triggers' and their analysis are only a little helpful, IME. It was more helpful for me to realize that I drank because I wanted to. And I didn't stay stopped until I found something I liked better. But I didn't learn what I liked better until I forced myself to stop drinking and figure out new ways to live life.
You really have to figure out a way where you can't whimsically down 8 beers on a Saturday and think it's OK. That is a binge and it's not a normal thing for kids to see. No matter how it's broken up.
I have been there (and worse). I really 'get' where you are and what you're saying.
It's often said here that the worst thing that can happen to an alcoholic who drinks is.... NOTHING. The worst thing is like what you did yesterday b/c it lures you into this sense that it can be somehow OK to keep it up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Your last post before this one kind of reminded me of myself in early sobriety. Not trying to be judgmental, but it seemed like you were building up to the drink. I always try to remember that the relapse doesn't happen when you take the actual sip of alcohol. It starts way before that and that's when you need to pull all your tools from your recovery tool chest and do everything you can to figure out what is causing you to go down the wrong path.
I do admire your honesty though. I consider that an important "tool" in your path to recovery. Good luck Timetochange. You can do this!
I do admire your honesty though. I consider that an important "tool" in your path to recovery. Good luck Timetochange. You can do this!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 71
Im not at all trying to minimize what you did, but it could have been worse. I'm glad that you stopped yourself and didn't get drunk. You did the right thing by coming on here and fessing up. But that doesn't mean that you are in the clear.
The last time I got drunk was last Saturday. The night before that I had one glass of wine. It felt good, it was under control, I didn't have a hangover etc. Same as you. I got relaxed about it. The next day I got wasted.
I am sick of playing Russian Roulette with drinking. It became a sick game, you seem to play it too. Just like with making the little "deals" :
"If no one really knows that I'm drinking, if I keep it together and there are no bad effects, then it's my own little secret and it's fine".
It's gambling.
Time to say "game over". Time to play the game of life..and not the board game.
HAHA that's the cheesiest stuff I've said in a while, please try and look past that and get my message.
The last time I got drunk was last Saturday. The night before that I had one glass of wine. It felt good, it was under control, I didn't have a hangover etc. Same as you. I got relaxed about it. The next day I got wasted.
I am sick of playing Russian Roulette with drinking. It became a sick game, you seem to play it too. Just like with making the little "deals" :
"If no one really knows that I'm drinking, if I keep it together and there are no bad effects, then it's my own little secret and it's fine".
It's gambling.
Time to say "game over". Time to play the game of life..and not the board game.
HAHA that's the cheesiest stuff I've said in a while, please try and look past that and get my message.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
I also thought that I had my own little secret and it wasn't harming anyone, not even me. Then I got a blood test at the doc and saw my way off kilter liver enzyme levels. That scared/shocked the hell out of me. I'm an analytical type person so quantitative proof is what I needed to see. It was a cheap kick in the ass that I needed. Insurance covers blood tests, it's free or at most an office copay.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Towards the end, I associated just about everything with the idea of having a drink. It takes time to break those associations. I had to learn to accept things as they were, rather than trying to reach some idealized state where things were always happy and exciting. Ironically, learning to be content in the moment has led to more happiness than I ever had while drinking.
I think you had some good insights, timetochange..... Here's to a
new start!
I think you had some good insights, timetochange..... Here's to a
new start!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 163
I honestly believe that alcohol is a crap drug. I have reasons that I believe in not to drink. Now that the initial few days (62) of detoxing and depression are wearing off, I don't want to go back to drinking. Even the drinking daydreams are going away because when I think about how great it would be to drink, my mind recalls a memory of one of my many many social failures do to alcoholism. I have tried to drink and the same failures always happen. I am convinced that alcohol sucks.
If you give yourself real reasons that you believe to stay sober I think it will be a lot easier to live a sober life. Some people stop drinking because they know they will have a stroke or a heart attack if they drink. That is a real reason not to drink. You just have to find your real reasons, and you will be fine.
If you give yourself real reasons that you believe to stay sober I think it will be a lot easier to live a sober life. Some people stop drinking because they know they will have a stroke or a heart attack if they drink. That is a real reason not to drink. You just have to find your real reasons, and you will be fine.
Last edited by cuyootoo; 12-04-2011 at 11:05 AM. Reason: typo
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,347
Welcome back TTC 
I really agree with SSIL75...the worst thing that can happen to me when I drink is nothing, because you can bet next time I crave, I'll instinctively latch on to those few 'good' occasions as justification, not the hundreds of times when things went spectacularly bad.
It took me 20 years to get it but I know now I didn't drink because my life was boring, I drank because it was my only coping strategy - for everything.
I believe every time I drink it puts me back in that cycle - it reinforces the idea that drinking solves my problems or makes life easier.
It doesn't - it makes life harder....but the great artifice of addiction is how easily and completely we can lie to ourselves.
D
I really agree with SSIL75...the worst thing that can happen to me when I drink is nothing, because you can bet next time I crave, I'll instinctively latch on to those few 'good' occasions as justification, not the hundreds of times when things went spectacularly bad.
It took me 20 years to get it but I know now I didn't drink because my life was boring, I drank because it was my only coping strategy - for everything.
I believe every time I drink it puts me back in that cycle - it reinforces the idea that drinking solves my problems or makes life easier.
It doesn't - it makes life harder....but the great artifice of addiction is how easily and completely we can lie to ourselves.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
Once again you guys totally know what your talking about. As different as I'm sure we all are from each other, the alcohol experience is most certainly very similar in each of us. Sure enough, my 8 beers on Saturday, turned into even more yesterday. FML and SSL175- even though I didn't "mean" to, I was playing a game. And feeling ok Sunday morning was probably the worst thing that could have happened. Now, today, I had a full blown hangover. I am furious with myself and I just want to get back to where I was 4 days ago.
I spent the day at work telling myself that I was going to drink tonight, just a little to take the edge off and minimize this hungover feeling. I even had the keys in my hand 30 minutes ago, ready to go. But then I realized...I'm fine. That will only prolong my self-hate even more. Why not suck it up today, end the drinking at the two days, and just start again. THAT would be progress for me. Other times, this would just lead to more weeks and months before I tried to stop again.
NO, it wasn't worth it--not by a long shot. I was grumpy and frustrated and it wasn't even enjoyable. I'm picking myself up, learning a valuable lesson and getting back to life and feeling good.
I spent the day at work telling myself that I was going to drink tonight, just a little to take the edge off and minimize this hungover feeling. I even had the keys in my hand 30 minutes ago, ready to go. But then I realized...I'm fine. That will only prolong my self-hate even more. Why not suck it up today, end the drinking at the two days, and just start again. THAT would be progress for me. Other times, this would just lead to more weeks and months before I tried to stop again.
NO, it wasn't worth it--not by a long shot. I was grumpy and frustrated and it wasn't even enjoyable. I'm picking myself up, learning a valuable lesson and getting back to life and feeling good.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Originally Posted by timetochange 
NO, it wasn't worth it--not by a long shot. I was grumpy and frustrated and it wasn't even enjoyable. I'm picking myself up, learning a valuable lesson and getting back to life and feeling good.
LOL Lesson learned, TTC.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 71
That is how I have felt over th last five years (drinking for longer). Everything sooner or later got worse. Especially the quilt over money, as I needed more and more to actually get drunk I spent more and more giving more to worry about! it is such a vicious cycle!
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