alcoholism & weed?

Old 12-03-2011, 07:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
alcoholism & weed?

My ABF recently started going to AA.

He's clearly stated that he will 'stop drinking, but not smoking (marijuana)'. I'm incredibly frustrated by this.

I ask why he needs to be altered by chemicals to just be in life, and his answer is that he's always been that way. Conversation escalates, and then he says that "I'm the one who wanted a child with him".

So, I'm hearing him say, that's the way he was and the way he will be. To me, his continuance of smoking weed, even though he says he is not drinking just signifies his lack of ability to handle life without being under the influence of something.

Now, I need to set a boundary, and stick with it, and not worry about his reaction to my boundary. My child deserves a sober father. I deserve a partner who doesn't need chemicals to be 'available', who is reliable, and who I can trust to be a reliable co-parent with me. Just because that's the way things were doesn't mean that's the way they have to be forever, especially now that a child is involved.

I guess I just needed to vent, and any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
ALilBitStronger is offline  
Old 12-04-2011, 04:38 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your child has already inherited the gene that predisposes him/her to addiction. 50% of all adults who were raised in the home where addiction was present either end up addicted or married to an addict. The rest of us suffer from depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders and so forth. Many have combos, me, I ended up marrying/living with them. My childhood living in the home of an A, was sheer h@ll, I lived it and I would not wish it on any child.

If he is smoking pot he is not in recovery. This is a progressive disease, very few pot smokers just stick to pot, especially if they started at a young age. I would imagine that
he has tried a thing or two else by now.

He has told you that he will continue to use, you either accept it, or leave. He is right, you knew that he was a user when you hooked up with him and you knew it when you had a child with him, now you want him to change? May be a little late.

My best..Dolly
dollydo is offline  
Old 12-04-2011, 04:45 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your child has already inherited the gene that predisposes him/her to addiction. 50% of all adults who were raised in the home where addiction was present either end up addicted or married to an addict. The rest of us suffer from depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders and so forth. Many have combos, me, I ended up marrying/living with them. My childhood living in the home of an A, was sheer h@ll, I lived it and I would not wish it on any child.

If he is smoking pot he is not in recovery. This is a progressive disease, very few pot smokers just stick to pot, especially if they started at a young age. I would imagine that
he has tried a thing or two else by now.

He has told you that he will continue to use, you either accept it, or leave. He is right, you knew that he was a user when you hooked up with him and you knew it when you had a child with him, now you want him to change? May be a little late.

My best..Dolly
dollydo is offline  
Old 12-04-2011, 05:15 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by ALilBitStronger View Post
Now, I need to set a boundary, and stick with it, and not worry about his reaction to my boundary. My child deserves a sober father. I deserve a partner who doesn't need chemicals to be 'available', who is reliable, and who I can trust to be a reliable co-parent with me. Just because that's the way things were doesn't mean that's the way they have to be forever, especially now that a child is involved.
Setting a boundary that your child will not be exposed to a father who uses drugs and that you will only accept a partner you can trust and who will co-parent with you reliably, is excellent. It's the way life should be for children and for spouses.

Sadly, he doesn't meet this criteria and isn't likely to any time soon. Boundaries are not ultimatums, they are values and standards we set for ourselves in order to live healthy lives.

Only you can decide which you will choose...living within your boundary or living with an active addict. And I know that this decision isn't as easy as it sounds...emotions, attachments, memories of good times and hope for better days ahead, can all blur the reality of today.

You don't have to make decisions today, the answer will come when you are ready. You don't have to "do" anything today, doing nothing is an action too.

Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA have helped many of us here find out balance, clear our minds and find the courage to do what is right for us...sometimes that means staying and sometimes it means leaving and only you can decide what is right for you.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 12-04-2011, 09:31 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Our genes are not our destiny. Cognitive immaturity, lack of coping skills and a culture of a life without consequences are all factors that contribute to lousy decisions.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 12-04-2011, 02:33 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Still Standing
 
Nina Kay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
You have certainly come to the right place to vent or share, whichever way you think of it. This sounds like my son in his earlier years of addiction & alcoholism so much that I read your post to him. I hope that you don't mind. He's in to much bigger things now, along with his favorite choice (marijuana). He didn't have a child back then but now he has two boys. Now his choices are not alcohol & marijuana, but progressed to marijuana & meth. Marijuana has been proven to be just a springboard to even more dangerous drugs. My daughter-in-law knew that my son was an addict when she married him too, but when kids are involved it's a whole different ballgame.

I'm very sorry about what you & your child are going through. I don't have anything to add to what was said by others before me, but I very much agree with all they have said & I do hope that what all they have shared with you, helps you move forward toward a healthy lifestyle.
Nina Kay is offline  
Old 12-04-2011, 03:44 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i know this is a big decision for you to make. read all around the post here & also the stickys at the top of the forum. prayers are going up for u & all concerned here. keep coming back. i am glad u found us.
hope213 is offline  
Old 12-06-2011, 06:31 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
Thanks for the replies.

I have gone to Al-Anon, and I've come so far cause of it. The things I learned about myself-what I didn't cause, cure, control, and what I can control (me!!). I realized how co-dependent I was and how small my self-value had gotten.

I recoginze that I hooked up with him when he was an active addict. I also realize that at that point in life, I did not have the skills or insight I have now. I didn't fully know then what I know now about addiction & alcoholism...

Being a parent, it's my job to protect my child. I don't doubt he's genetically pre-disposed or that the chances of alcoholism & addiction being a part of his life in some way (or negative effects otherwise) are heightened: However, I can't call it quits on trying my hardest for him now. I was raised in the home of an alcoholic and I fell into those categories, but the acknowledgement of the disease in my family was sparse. The processing of what happened-didn't happen. I've already promised to be open and honest about the disease, I know maybe it won't prevent everything, but I can do my very best to sure up my child with a healthy, strong sense of self, high self-esteem and self-worth, and honesty...how else does one begin to break the cycle?

If he wants to stay the way he is, it's frustrating to me but I will accept his decision. I will not accept an active addict as an involved father for my child...I can't justify that. I'm prepared to do this on my own, I am.

So my boundary has officially been set. It's mine-not his. If he appears to be under the influence of anything, my child and I will not be around him. I'll continue to encourage him on his road to recovery but I won't, I won't subject myself to chaos.
ALilBitStronger is offline  
Old 12-06-2011, 06:32 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
I appreciate all the views I perhaps did not think of....thanks so much.
ALilBitStronger is offline  
Old 12-06-2011, 06:35 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Say what you mean...and...mean what you say.

I sincerely hope that you will follow thru and enforce your bounderies, not for you, but for your child.

My best...Dolly
dollydo is offline  
Old 12-06-2011, 06:41 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
Dolly, I thought I knew what a healthy boundary was...then I realized I tricked myself and that it was really a boundary for him, not me....

I educated myself (the stickies at the top of the page were useful) and really mulled over what an appropriate boundary would be. I mean it, I do, and even better, I wasn't mean when I said it...I think a huge part was also realizing it's MY boundary and if he doesn't approve, it's okay, cause it's mine.

Thank you for the encouragement and the words of wisdom. I too, hope I find the strength to stick to my boundaries and continue to focus on happiness for my child and me.
ALilBitStronger is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:44 PM.