Wife's in rehab, getting more distant every week
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East
Posts: 27
Wife's in rehab, getting more distant every week
So each time I talk to my wife, she get's more distant. Now it seems like she could care less about coming home, does not even ask about the kids etc. My guess is she does not want this life anymore.
She seems to be living in a alternate reality. She said she's actually getting used to the place (whatever that means)
She get's out in 5 days. I'm thinking she's not coming home. Is this normal behavior, what should I expect. The only thing I know is it's making me furious that she seems so not giving a **** to put it mildly.
She seems to be living in a alternate reality. She said she's actually getting used to the place (whatever that means)
She get's out in 5 days. I'm thinking she's not coming home. Is this normal behavior, what should I expect. The only thing I know is it's making me furious that she seems so not giving a **** to put it mildly.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Oh my....Did they not have a family day for you to attend? In our family day, they explained what happen to their minds. They explained damaged brain cells and large crator's in their brains, from alcohol abuse.... How their minds get foggy. It is medically proven. They showed us medical movies, we read and got educated...
Think about if you have ever been in the hospital on drugs or if you have ever been hung over for one day...try staying drunk for a week, your not gonna think real clear either!! When your in the hospital think about how your mind isnt clear for atleast a good 8 hours or a day after coming off of prescription drugs....
Alcoholism does damage brain cells ...So what do you expect her to think or do?
She has alot of healing to do, mentally, emotionally, physically
and from what I have learned....You just have to let them go........
Mine came home from 28 days of rehab, packed up a bag, moved 2000 miles
away....A year ago and of course, he went right back to drinking
and has not quit yet.......
In the midst of the storm, I got it......I let him go.........
It sounds cruel and mean, but putting it into that perspective really help me...
It's sucks, no matter what....
Let Go & Let God...Now, apply those words strong and deep into your heart and with your relationship with her.........
Time for you to move on and Take Care of YOU!!!
Remember, mine couldnt even take care of a dog, let alone a human being!!
Think about if you have ever been in the hospital on drugs or if you have ever been hung over for one day...try staying drunk for a week, your not gonna think real clear either!! When your in the hospital think about how your mind isnt clear for atleast a good 8 hours or a day after coming off of prescription drugs....
Alcoholism does damage brain cells ...So what do you expect her to think or do?
She has alot of healing to do, mentally, emotionally, physically
and from what I have learned....You just have to let them go........
Mine came home from 28 days of rehab, packed up a bag, moved 2000 miles
away....A year ago and of course, he went right back to drinking
and has not quit yet.......
In the midst of the storm, I got it......I let him go.........
It sounds cruel and mean, but putting it into that perspective really help me...
It's sucks, no matter what....
Let Go & Let God...Now, apply those words strong and deep into your heart and with your relationship with her.........
Time for you to move on and Take Care of YOU!!!
Remember, mine couldnt even take care of a dog, let alone a human being!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by LoneStar2x 
She said she's actually getting used to the place (whatever that means)
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Maybe -
right now, she's in a safe, sheltered place - no temptations - no real decisions. Now she's faced with the knowledge that soon she has to go back to the Real World where everything is . . . well . . . REAL. Could be that it's just scaring + overwhelming her - I don't know. Just a guess.
Whatever the reason for her actions, TRY to stop projecting and take care of YOU - One Day at a Time - or you'll go crazy.
Best Wishes!
Blue
right now, she's in a safe, sheltered place - no temptations - no real decisions. Now she's faced with the knowledge that soon she has to go back to the Real World where everything is . . . well . . . REAL. Could be that it's just scaring + overwhelming her - I don't know. Just a guess.
Whatever the reason for her actions, TRY to stop projecting and take care of YOU - One Day at a Time - or you'll go crazy.
Best Wishes!
Blue
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
I think I was lucky. The rehab that my wife went to allowed family members to visit, and it was close to work, so I visited for a couple hours during the week and for a couple of hours on the weekend.
It might not have had the impact it had, if I'd just watched my wife going thru rehab, but I saw a fair number of people on their first day in rehab, their first week, their second week.... The change was profound. Individuals walked in looking like shambling wrecks (my wife certainly did). Within a week they started to have the light back in their eyes. In two weeks they became normal, bright, funny people again.
So when I went to family week, and the counselor described alcoholism as a disease, that had an impact on me. She had me hold out my fist, and then she wrapped her hand around mine and said "this is alcoholism." It's like a cloak that wraps around the alcoholic, but the person is still under there. Once freed of the alcohol, the real person can emerge.
I saw it happen. Some of the people who went thru rehab with my wife relapsed, at least one died of her disease. Some fortunate few, like my wife, went on and rebuilt their damaged lives.
Right now, you're afraid. You sense that your wife is changing and you're afraid of that the "real person" who has been molded and trapped under the disease of alcoholism. You don't know if that person still loves you. You fear the unknown.
The other thing I learned during family week was that people die from the disease of alcoholism. I came to see it as a life and death struggle. Whatever concerns I had about the path my wife's recovery would take (and divorce was discussed), I sincerely wanted her to succeed and I was willing to give her the room to do what she needed to do. I started going to Al-Anon meetings. We went to marriage counseling. She went to group and individual therapy. She went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days.
When she got out of rehab, she was on a "pink cloud," and life looked pretty good. When she hit 90 days she was at the other end of the emotional spectrum. By the time she hit a year, well, she'd grown a lot.
I highly recommend trying Al-Anon. It will help you understand some of what your wife is and will be going through. More importantly, it will help you deal with the damage that alcoholism has done to you (and if you're like me you don't even know how much damage has been done). And you've got kids...they deserve to grow up in a functional household.
You're wife's sobriety is fragile. Give her a chance to succeed, a chance to live. And just as importantly, take care of yourself.
It might not have had the impact it had, if I'd just watched my wife going thru rehab, but I saw a fair number of people on their first day in rehab, their first week, their second week.... The change was profound. Individuals walked in looking like shambling wrecks (my wife certainly did). Within a week they started to have the light back in their eyes. In two weeks they became normal, bright, funny people again.
So when I went to family week, and the counselor described alcoholism as a disease, that had an impact on me. She had me hold out my fist, and then she wrapped her hand around mine and said "this is alcoholism." It's like a cloak that wraps around the alcoholic, but the person is still under there. Once freed of the alcohol, the real person can emerge.
I saw it happen. Some of the people who went thru rehab with my wife relapsed, at least one died of her disease. Some fortunate few, like my wife, went on and rebuilt their damaged lives.
Right now, you're afraid. You sense that your wife is changing and you're afraid of that the "real person" who has been molded and trapped under the disease of alcoholism. You don't know if that person still loves you. You fear the unknown.
The other thing I learned during family week was that people die from the disease of alcoholism. I came to see it as a life and death struggle. Whatever concerns I had about the path my wife's recovery would take (and divorce was discussed), I sincerely wanted her to succeed and I was willing to give her the room to do what she needed to do. I started going to Al-Anon meetings. We went to marriage counseling. She went to group and individual therapy. She went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days.
When she got out of rehab, she was on a "pink cloud," and life looked pretty good. When she hit 90 days she was at the other end of the emotional spectrum. By the time she hit a year, well, she'd grown a lot.
I highly recommend trying Al-Anon. It will help you understand some of what your wife is and will be going through. More importantly, it will help you deal with the damage that alcoholism has done to you (and if you're like me you don't even know how much damage has been done). And you've got kids...they deserve to grow up in a functional household.
You're wife's sobriety is fragile. Give her a chance to succeed, a chance to live. And just as importantly, take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Unfortunately people think that once an alcoholic stops drinking that everything will be great. Probably the hardest thing in life is going from being a drunk to someone who is sober: it brings up enormous anxiety and fear, it takes many months to START feeling comfortable in your own skin. I suggest cutting her some slack and giving her the support to move through this tough time. If it comes to the point where you really can't take it then take the actions you need to take.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by mattmathews
I think I was lucky. The rehab that my wife went to allowed family members to visit, and it was close to work, so I visited for a couple hours during the week and for a couple of hours on the weekend.
It might not have had the impact it had, if I'd just watched my wife going thru rehab, but I saw a fair number of people on their first day in rehab, their first week, their second week.... The change was profound. Individuals walked in looking like shambling wrecks (my wife certainly did). Within a week they started to have the light back in their eyes. In two weeks they became normal, bright, funny people again.
So when I went to family week, and the counselor described alcoholism as a disease, that had an impact on me. She had me hold out my fist, and then she wrapped her hand around mine and said "this is alcoholism." It's like a cloak that wraps around the alcoholic, but the person is still under there. Once freed of the alcohol, the real person can emerge.
I saw it happen. Some of the people who went thru rehab with my wife relapsed, at least one died of her disease. Some fortunate few, like my wife, went on and rebuilt their damaged lives.
Right now, you're afraid. You sense that your wife is changing and you're afraid of that the "real person" who has been molded and trapped under the disease of alcoholism. You don't know if that person still loves you. You fear the unknown.
The other thing I learned during family week was that people die from the disease of alcoholism. I came to see it as a life and death struggle. Whatever concerns I had about the path my wife's recovery would take (and divorce was discussed), I sincerely wanted her to succeed and I was willing to give her the room to do what she needed to do. I started going to Al-Anon meetings. We went to marriage counseling. She went to group and individual therapy. She went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days.
When she got out of rehab, she was on a "pink cloud," and life looked pretty good. When she hit 90 days she was at the other end of the emotional spectrum. By the time she hit a year, well, she'd grown a lot.
I highly recommend trying Al-Anon. It will help you understand some of what your wife is and will be going through. More importantly, it will help you deal with the damage that alcoholism has done to you (and if you're like me you don't even know how much damage has been done). And you've got kids...they deserve to grow up in a functional household.
You're wife's sobriety is fragile. Give her a chance to succeed, a chance to live. And just as importantly, take care of yourself.
It might not have had the impact it had, if I'd just watched my wife going thru rehab, but I saw a fair number of people on their first day in rehab, their first week, their second week.... The change was profound. Individuals walked in looking like shambling wrecks (my wife certainly did). Within a week they started to have the light back in their eyes. In two weeks they became normal, bright, funny people again.
So when I went to family week, and the counselor described alcoholism as a disease, that had an impact on me. She had me hold out my fist, and then she wrapped her hand around mine and said "this is alcoholism." It's like a cloak that wraps around the alcoholic, but the person is still under there. Once freed of the alcohol, the real person can emerge.
I saw it happen. Some of the people who went thru rehab with my wife relapsed, at least one died of her disease. Some fortunate few, like my wife, went on and rebuilt their damaged lives.
Right now, you're afraid. You sense that your wife is changing and you're afraid of that the "real person" who has been molded and trapped under the disease of alcoholism. You don't know if that person still loves you. You fear the unknown.
The other thing I learned during family week was that people die from the disease of alcoholism. I came to see it as a life and death struggle. Whatever concerns I had about the path my wife's recovery would take (and divorce was discussed), I sincerely wanted her to succeed and I was willing to give her the room to do what she needed to do. I started going to Al-Anon meetings. We went to marriage counseling. She went to group and individual therapy. She went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days.
When she got out of rehab, she was on a "pink cloud," and life looked pretty good. When she hit 90 days she was at the other end of the emotional spectrum. By the time she hit a year, well, she'd grown a lot.
I highly recommend trying Al-Anon. It will help you understand some of what your wife is and will be going through. More importantly, it will help you deal with the damage that alcoholism has done to you (and if you're like me you don't even know how much damage has been done). And you've got kids...they deserve to grow up in a functional household.
You're wife's sobriety is fragile. Give her a chance to succeed, a chance to live. And just as importantly, take care of yourself.
They did have family day, it was for a few hours every Sunday. I went to the first two, the last was less then stellar. Each time I went she seemed less attached to me, or the kids. I'm not one to walk on egg shells and never will be. When she asked questions, I gave her the truth and I could tell she didn't like it.
I think knowing I had everything in order at home without her stressed her out. But hey, that's life you know. I refused to let things fall apart with the kids/house/bills etc. I just hope she does not make any quick/wrong decisions when she gets out, and regrets them. She gets out this Wednesday, and I'm really curious as to how it will go. I'll give her some slack, but not to the point that it causes pain to me or the kids.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I was pretty naive about what happens after detox and rehab. My XABF spent months in a sober living house after detox and I was expecting him to be "all better" when he got back. Now I see how silly I was to think he could readjust to a sober life quickly. So many things needed fixed upon his return (financial issues, living arrangements, re learning how to live sober to name a few). It took six months for him to reconnect to me. I was pretty resentful at first and felt very abandoned. Now I see that it can be a very normal response after years of drinking and can take quite a while for nervous system functioning and cognitive abilities to return. I did a lot of things wrong in dealing with this but have realized since that no matter what I would have done or not done his healing had to come from him. It's very painful to have someone in your life who you have supported and helped during the dark times shut you out. I had to realize it was not personal, and is the nature of the disease. And a very confusing one at that. I hope eventually things will turn out well for you and your wife.
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