rubbersoul

I didn't drink for 8 days then relapsed last night. A few days ago I wrote down how bad I feel when I'm hung over. I wrote something like this:

The first drink I feel good and same with the second but by the 3rd and 4th its like what my body really wants is water but some part of my brain is telling me to keep the drinks coming. I drink more, and if I'm with other people, my main focus is to control my speech so I don't sound drunk although it's very difficult to pronounce things. I begin to feel a sense of paranoia that people have bad intentions but I refuse to be the first one to leave. If I'm drinking alone (which I prefer) I tend to drink more because I don't need to pretend I'm not as drunk as I am.

Consequences:
- waking up in the middle of the night shaking with nausea and my hands shake all day
- desperately thirsty but the thought of drinking water makes my stomach turn
- I don't throw up but instead feel nauseous all day
- frequenting the bathroom (and like I said not to throw up)
- feeling physically unclean and a sensation of wanting to come out of my skin
- paranoia that I did something wrong the previous night or that someone did something wrong to me
- paranoia that my coworkers know I'm hungover and that's why I'm not performing well
- shame that I'm not performing well at work and that people think I'm just incompetent
- ready to do it all again at around 7-8 pm

This is not a life. I'm living just to get through the day. I hate this! I feel trapped by it.

Even though I'm very disappointed in my set back last night I am proud of myself for the self control I had earlier this week and even last weekend. I refused drinks. As a part of a mandatory work function where all but a handful of designated drivers were drinking I did not buy a drink. It feels so good to be in control of my body.

(note: I'm writing this on my cell phone so it's hard to edit it)

becoming

Hey rubbersoul - great job on the 8 days! i know it is not easy. i can relate to a lot of the side effects of drinking that you mentioned (The first drink I feel good and same with the second but by the 3rd and 4th its like what my body really wants is water but some part of my brain is telling me to keep the drinks coming, - paranoia that I did something wrong the previous night or that someone did something wrong to me, - paranoia that my coworkers know I'm hungover and that's why I'm not performing well, - shame that I'm not performing well at work and that people think I'm just incompetent, - ready to do it all again at around 7-8 pm). I can also relate to hating it and feeling trapped. You should be very proud of yourself for not drinking at the work function, great job! Those have been some of the hardest for me bc i work with a bunch of booze hounds. for me i found it got easier when i let a few (2) co-workers that i really trust i know that i quit drinking. i have been to numerous functions since i quit and honestly no one even notices i am not drinking. but i remember having so much anxiety about that bc i didnt want ppl i worked with thinking that i had a problem.

you ar doing great, just pick your self up and start again. hangovers suck big time and the awesome thing is you don't have to have them ever again = ) all the best to you!

goldiilocks

I was on day 8 and I also relapsed yesterday too . I guess we just have to try harder. I hope you feel better, I am in a dark place right now, but I know that all things are healed with time. Keep your head up

TruthFreak

I'm having lots of trouble staying sober too. I had 25 days and then went on a 4 day bended, I stopped again for about 5 days and yesterday I drank to a black out and woke up today seeing that I must have punched a hole in my freshly painted bedroom wall. I'm really beating myself over this.

I'm new here anyway, looking through posts for insight.

overthis

That about sums up my life with drinking involved and you are right, it is not a life at all. Good for you on coming back so soon after your relapse. Don't let alcohol control your life, it's as simple and hard as that!

uniblab

Keep trying, and keep writing. I'm a believer that writing helps. Keep your written thoughts with you and reflect on them.

becoming

Welcome truthfreak! you found the best place possible. I went through a similar cycle more times than i can count. don't worry, you'll get it, just keep at it and be compassionate to yourself :ghug3

yo466

I also relapsed more times than I can count until finally it stuck and I have been sober about 15 months. I really can't tell you why the light went off in my head, I guess I was just sick and tired of being hungover and feeling like crap all the time. Keep trying, think positive, attack the problem and you will get there.

Dee74

just putting this out there...I tried to quit for many years but I was doing the same things over and over again.

If what you've been doing so far hasn't worked or only works to a point, maybe it's not so much a case for trying harder as it is trying for new things, different approaches, & thinking of things to add to what you've been doing?

D

Dee74

welcome to SR TruthFreak

D

TheTinMan

Hangovers suck. It's been over a year since I've drank but I can remember every detail of my last hangover. As a matter of fact it's part of my meditation. It's also one of the first things that come to mind when I feel an urge or craving.