my husband is a dry drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Lima, Peru
Posts: 1
my husband is a dry drunk
Hello, I am married to my husband for 4 years now. When we got married I didnīt know he was an alcoholic and he assured me he didnīt know either.
He stopped drinking after attending a recovery centre and had only 1 relapse like 1 year after he stopped drinking. After that, so far he hasnīt drunk again.
I am very happy he stopped drinking but sometimes I wished he drunk again. Now he is a man who doesnīt enjoy anything. He is entirely dedicated to golf, reading books, basically into his own world. He gives me no tenderness of show any affection. Sometimes I can handle a life without affection but there are sometimes when I need a hug or a husband by my side.
It makes me sad to see that we are no longer a couple. He doesn't enjoy being with me and is constantly thinking just about him and him.
Is this a normal behaviour ? any suggestions regarding how can I handle these attitudes without it hurting me more and more ?
Many thanks.
He stopped drinking after attending a recovery centre and had only 1 relapse like 1 year after he stopped drinking. After that, so far he hasnīt drunk again.
I am very happy he stopped drinking but sometimes I wished he drunk again. Now he is a man who doesnīt enjoy anything. He is entirely dedicated to golf, reading books, basically into his own world. He gives me no tenderness of show any affection. Sometimes I can handle a life without affection but there are sometimes when I need a hug or a husband by my side.
It makes me sad to see that we are no longer a couple. He doesn't enjoy being with me and is constantly thinking just about him and him.
Is this a normal behaviour ? any suggestions regarding how can I handle these attitudes without it hurting me more and more ?
Many thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Yes, sometimes a dry drunk can be so hard to handle you almost want them to start drinking again. I kid, but in my experience, the few times my ex-AH temporarily quit "for me" (and that was part of the problem) he made my life miserable, as if he were punishing me because he couldn't drink. He was impatient, demanding, and crabby to say the least.
I don't know if they have Al-anon in your area, but it may help you in this hard to understand situation.
I don't know if they have Al-anon in your area, but it may help you in this hard to understand situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I am so sorry for what you are going through, you deserve so much better. If you are not seeing a therapist then please get into counseling, ask your husband to go, if he refuses then go without him.
A good therapist will help you decide how you want to move forward with your relationship.
I went through the same thing with my first wife, I eventually found out she was having an affair with a co-worker, all the alone time was cover for her cheating.
I hope it all works out for you, please know if you need someone to talk to I will be here, and I will send hugs
whenever requested.
Bill
A good therapist will help you decide how you want to move forward with your relationship.
I went through the same thing with my first wife, I eventually found out she was having an affair with a co-worker, all the alone time was cover for her cheating.
I hope it all works out for you, please know if you need someone to talk to I will be here, and I will send hugs
whenever requested.Bill
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by pastis 
any suggestions regarding how can I handle these attitudes without it hurting me more and more ?
Many thanks.
Many thanks.
Welcome to the SR family!
I found Al-anon meetings very helpful.
Al-anon is a free, group support meeting for Friends and Family of alcoholics (even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking). The support is based on the same 12 steps of AA (alcoholics anonymous) but tailored to meet the needs of the family members.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
It sounds like he's more of an introvert than you are--someone who feels refreshed by having "me" time. Some people are just like that. It doesn't mean he's a "dry drunk" or having an affair or anything terrible like that.
You say he doesn't enjoy anything but he clearly enjoys golf and reading. Both of which are really healthy ways to spend leisure time. It could be he has no idea you're feeling brushed off when he goes out to golf. Personally, I think relationships are healthier when each partner has time to enjoy their own separate pursuits--and then come back and share. (But then, I'm someone who enjoys solitude--like your husband!)
If you bring it up as "dry drunk" behavior that would be a bit unfair--and maybe a bit of dredging up an old hurt instead of addressing a current problem.
You are totally within your rights to want more couple time. Find a peaceful moment to bring this up with him, let him know that you're lonely for him, you wish you could spend an evening or two together each week.
What do you enjoy doing on your own? You can find things that combine your interests.
Some examples:
1. You could meet him at the golf club after his (game? match? session? whatever it's called with golf). Then you guys could have dinner or coffee and talk about his game.
2. Golf courses usually have nice walking routes around them--you guys could go up together and you could have a power walk while he golfs.
2. Do you like reading too? You could trade books--even try a book club.
3. What did you used to do for fun together?
You say he doesn't enjoy anything but he clearly enjoys golf and reading. Both of which are really healthy ways to spend leisure time. It could be he has no idea you're feeling brushed off when he goes out to golf. Personally, I think relationships are healthier when each partner has time to enjoy their own separate pursuits--and then come back and share. (But then, I'm someone who enjoys solitude--like your husband!)
If you bring it up as "dry drunk" behavior that would be a bit unfair--and maybe a bit of dredging up an old hurt instead of addressing a current problem.
You are totally within your rights to want more couple time. Find a peaceful moment to bring this up with him, let him know that you're lonely for him, you wish you could spend an evening or two together each week.
What do you enjoy doing on your own? You can find things that combine your interests.
Some examples:
1. You could meet him at the golf club after his (game? match? session? whatever it's called with golf). Then you guys could have dinner or coffee and talk about his game.
2. Golf courses usually have nice walking routes around them--you guys could go up together and you could have a power walk while he golfs.
2. Do you like reading too? You could trade books--even try a book club.
3. What did you used to do for fun together?
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Pastis,
Sometimes, when one member of a couple quits drinking, this changes the dynamic of the relationship. This does not necessarily mean that the person who quit drinking is a "dry drunk", and I would encourage you not to use that language in addressing the issue with your husband. It is an insult, and insulting someone tends not to be the best way of starting a productive conversation.
I agree with akrasia that, from your description, it doesn't appear that your husband has no interests. Instead, it seems that he enjoys his alone time, and that he is interested in golf and books. Akrasia made some excellent suggestions about how you might approach him to discuss your desire for more interaction with him. I absolutely agree with her suggestions and hope that you will follow through in that vein rather than accuse him of being a dry drunk.
Sometimes, when one member of a couple quits drinking, this changes the dynamic of the relationship. This does not necessarily mean that the person who quit drinking is a "dry drunk", and I would encourage you not to use that language in addressing the issue with your husband. It is an insult, and insulting someone tends not to be the best way of starting a productive conversation.
I agree with akrasia that, from your description, it doesn't appear that your husband has no interests. Instead, it seems that he enjoys his alone time, and that he is interested in golf and books. Akrasia made some excellent suggestions about how you might approach him to discuss your desire for more interaction with him. I absolutely agree with her suggestions and hope that you will follow through in that vein rather than accuse him of being a dry drunk.
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