CamilleBelle

I'm tired. Tired of being drunk, tired of being sad, and tired of hiding it good enough just to get by.... I drank tonight. not more than usual, but not less... and I feel REALLY guilty about that. I have this silly silver coin in my pocket as I write this and keep reading it... "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." I am not spiritual, but I like the sound of what that means. I didnt make it today. maybe tomorrow. going to another meeting. I just feel like a disappointment. Cant even do one day. Not even going to cry, I did this, to myself, so own up.

geno1982

i know how you feel. i wanted to quit but couldnt. the thing is im tired of being altered all of my life. life starts now friend.

Marine28

Don't beat yourself up. I admit I have been trying to quit for 6 years. I went 12 days earlier this month and then had two glasses of wine tht I decided I really didn't like the taste of. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. The fact that you are here shows you mean it.

instant

Camille. In my experience feeling bad about it can distract from becoming resolute. If you believe the negativity it "makes sense to drink" eg why bother it never works out. The self criticism is part of the problem if it supports the idea that you "can't do it".

I found I moved to a position of being more objective. I was addicted, everything I thought and felt was suspect.

The one time it will 'click' makes it worth the effort.

I am over six months, and I love the whole sober thing. It took me many years to get here. Just keep trying.

Bikeguy

Don't give up on yourself, keep working, keep trying. If what your doing is not working consider adding to your arsenal, your worth the fight.

Dee74

Many many of us have not been able to make day 1 including me, Camille.
It's very easy to underestimate the effort required - and the persistence of our addiction.

You can do this - don't let one misstep bring you down - take what happened today and learn from it

D

sissy07

Oh Camille, I am sorry. Not to minimize it, but most of us have had relapses. Just learn from it and go on. I respect you for coming back to the board so quickly. Good for you....tomorrow is another day!

CamilleBelle

I just feel so lost, so hurt, so betrayed by this thing I call life... I am/was a moral citizen, always in control and always ready to take on the next challenge...

Dee74

You're still all those things.
Your addiction, and your decision today, doesn't change that

D

soberwingz

Hey Cammille...thanks for posting. Please remember what you are trying to do is difficult. It may well be the hardest thing you will do your entire life. I applaud you in that you are here, and you recognize you have some work to do. Ask anyone here and they will tell you...it is not easy. If it was none of us would need this place or each other.

My addicted self feared like hell what life might be like with out alcohol. I mean it panicked me to no end. However, I knew I could not continue on my path cause I was headed somewhere bad very quickly.

It sounds to me you know where your drinking will take you if you don't stop. You come across as being very smart.I hope you stick with your convictions and try again to quit. You will not regret it.

Keep us posted. Yes it is hard, but you can do it.

Terminally Unique

At least it isn't New Year's day. Get rid of the supply. Try again.

FML

Just because you didn't do it today doesn't mean you can't. You still want to, you came here, and youre going to a meeting. You can do it!. Keep your coin in your pocket and keep reading what it says. I like the way it sounds too,have thought about getting it tattooed

quitforme79

Hang in there Camille and just try try again. I blew my quit Thursday nite and am still feeling the hangover effects pretty bad. I know what triggered me so next time I will handle it differently. If you can learn something from this, you have a better chance at staying sober for good. ((hugs))

LaFemme

Hey Camille...I can't yell you how many day 1's I had before I stopped...I now have so many days Ive lost count. You can do this. Keep trying!

Deserto

The people who succeed are the people who try again. I agree, don't beat yourself up. Just try again.

Here's a post from Dee regarding "urge surfing," which helped me tremendously in the first few days and weeks of trying to quit drinking:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

If you haven't read these posts, I recommend them. Good luck to you and just start again tomorrow!

Itchy

I had a day 1 every morning for the last two years I drank. I couldn't do it alone so I arranged for in hospital detox and follow up rehab. I was high functioning and very successful in life. Told my family and friends and they thought I was only needing some moderation. I joined AA and here at SR immediately after I got out of detox and quit rehab after 2 days (whole other story) Did some counseling and most of all decided that I was quitting for good and forever and not because I was up against the wall but because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

In other words I was willing to do what ever it took to get sober for good. And I did do everything locally available and the best of online here.

So what are you going to do differently this time to succeed?

If you always do things, the way you always did them, won't you always get the same results?

Some people draw the line at getting and staying sober you know. It is conditional on having a known way to fail without it being a fail so they can drink as needed.

You wrote:
"I am/was a moral citizen, always in control and always ready to take on the next challenge... "

Well here's your challenge.

Come on, join us, the water is fine!

Gerbosko

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

From your previous post you said

To the alcoholic, alcohol is as a very sacred object and when they know what is right, but second guess their judgement, the voice will win. Sort through the positives and negatives - You went to AA which is GREAT, the only bad decision was buying wine. However, you've been buying alcohol for how many years now and it doesn't take a second guess on your part to purchase it.

When you find the negatives, replace them with something that is positive. For example, once you leave the AA meeting, treat yourself to a good meal or go to the park and go for a walk.

Try again but take stricter control of yourself and try staying positive. Be proud that you even managed to walk in AA and admitted that you have a problem! Not many people can do that - Once you admit to your problem, solving it gets a lot easier.

ReadyAndAble

There's some debate about the precise wording, but Thomas Edison is credited with saying this:

If you learn something from this—and take action based on that new insight—then this becomes positive. In fact there's no reason it can't be a turning point. Think about that: this could be the very last time you ever wake up to that wave of regret. How cool would that be?

CamilleBelle

[QUOTE=FML;3192269] It just seems crazy for a 20 something to be spending a saturday in AA... better that than a grave I guess...

Why does that seem crazy? Don't you want to help yourself?

Gerbosko

Alcohol doesn't have an age limit to who can get addicted to it.

We have a lot of people on this forum in their 20's or younger - Why does it seem crazy? I'm 27, drank 6 years of my life away.

Catch yourself while you're still young.