Is paying for a lawyer enabling?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1
Is paying for a lawyer enabling?
My 21 yo son is in desperate trouble with the law again over his drinking. Over the past 2 years he got a DUI with a minor hit and run. We paid for a lawyer. With the lawyer's help he was sentenced to court referral, rehab, and community service. He completed rehab, completed referral, and completed community service two months ago. Fully clear of the law and with a good new job. He went to AA for a while but quit, said he really wasn't an alcoholic, and continued to drink in what appeared to be smaller, controlled quantity. However we had strong beliefs that he was covering up a much worse dependancy. He is living on his own and paying for an appartment. His mother and I do not drink and told him he was to never come to the house drinking. He has also been diagnosed with depression and previously ADHD however he is not currently on meds. He has never handled stress well.
Thanksgiving night he had a tramatic experience which appears to have set him off. He drank considerably before coming to my house. I confronted him about it, not angrily, expressed my dissapointment and he flew into a rage and ran out of the house with me begging him not to. Long story short, he ran into someone and drove off. Police found him at his appartment. This is his second DUI in under 3 years. Also the people he hit were not hurt seriously but I understand they did go to the doctor as a result. I am now told that a hit and run DUI with injury is a felony in this state. He needs a lawyer, but there is no way he can pay one. I do not know extent of the trouble he is in.
He is remorseful, admitted he has a problem, and has asked us to take him to AA meetings. We are also helping get him to work when he cannot find another ride. But I have been lied too for years. Dont know what to believe. But none of this negates the fact he is in serious legal trouble. Is it enabling for me to hire him a lawyer?
Thanksgiving night he had a tramatic experience which appears to have set him off. He drank considerably before coming to my house. I confronted him about it, not angrily, expressed my dissapointment and he flew into a rage and ran out of the house with me begging him not to. Long story short, he ran into someone and drove off. Police found him at his appartment. This is his second DUI in under 3 years. Also the people he hit were not hurt seriously but I understand they did go to the doctor as a result. I am now told that a hit and run DUI with injury is a felony in this state. He needs a lawyer, but there is no way he can pay one. I do not know extent of the trouble he is in.
He is remorseful, admitted he has a problem, and has asked us to take him to AA meetings. We are also helping get him to work when he cannot find another ride. But I have been lied too for years. Dont know what to believe. But none of this negates the fact he is in serious legal trouble. Is it enabling for me to hire him a lawyer?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I would say it is enabling. My ABF's mom bails him out of everything, and i mean EVERYTHING. It is sooo annoying. If she'd let him fall and face the consequences of his OWN actions, then maybe he'd get himself some help.
What happens if you give him the money and he does it again, this time maiming or KILLING someone, could you forgive yourself? What if it was a small child he hit, a pregnant mom he killed. Your son sounds like he needs some tough love.
What happens if you give him the money and he does it again, this time maiming or KILLING someone, could you forgive yourself? What if it was a small child he hit, a pregnant mom he killed. Your son sounds like he needs some tough love.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Absolutely. He has been through this before and chose to do it again. Let him get a public defender. If he has to spend time in jail, so be it. He must be allowed to face the consequences of his bad decisions.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery, I am glad you found us but sorry for why you had to.
There is a great bunch of folks here, with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) some of whom are working only on their 'codieism' and some like myself that are double winners, sober and clean and also working on our co dependent issues.
To answer your question .............................. YES.
He is an adult. He is 21. He is entitled to an attorney being appointed for him. Part of the CONSEQUENCES of his actions.
Depression is aggravated by alcohol ingestion. He is not taking his meds. His meds would not work anyway as he is drinking.
All HIS CHOICE.
I will share with you that my parents 'enabled' me, got me out of trouble, paid for attorneys, etc until I was 33 1/2 years old. They had finally had enough and parents and family all said NO MORE. If you call, we will hang up, if you come to the door it will be shut in your face, if you attempt to steal from us we will report it to the police.
It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollywood.
To this day, after being in continuous recovery for 30+ years, I still say:
THIS of everything my folks ever did for me WAS THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID!!!!!!!
They gave me my adulthood, all of it. They allowed me to experience the CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS, finally. WOW what a gift.
At about 3 years into recovery my mom and I were talking and I asked her what brought them to that point. She responded that had they not cut all ties with me at that time, they were both so entrenched in my life and the craziness that they were going to end up, locked up, in padded rooms. I had literally driven them insane.
Better he should call the AA Hotline Number and ask for a ride from another AAer. I would like to suggest, instead, that you and your wife, get a copy or two (one for each of you) Co Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie and read it with a 'highlighter' in hand. Also, you might want to check out some Alanon meetings for yourself, wherein you will get some Face To Face support for each of you.
Also, read around this site, check out the 'stickys' at the beginning of this forum and check out some of the threads.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much, and we do understand.
Love and hugs,
There is a great bunch of folks here, with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) some of whom are working only on their 'codieism' and some like myself that are double winners, sober and clean and also working on our co dependent issues.
To answer your question .............................. YES.
He is an adult. He is 21. He is entitled to an attorney being appointed for him. Part of the CONSEQUENCES of his actions.
Depression is aggravated by alcohol ingestion. He is not taking his meds. His meds would not work anyway as he is drinking.
All HIS CHOICE.
I will share with you that my parents 'enabled' me, got me out of trouble, paid for attorneys, etc until I was 33 1/2 years old. They had finally had enough and parents and family all said NO MORE. If you call, we will hang up, if you come to the door it will be shut in your face, if you attempt to steal from us we will report it to the police.
It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollywood.
To this day, after being in continuous recovery for 30+ years, I still say:
THIS of everything my folks ever did for me WAS THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID!!!!!!!
They gave me my adulthood, all of it. They allowed me to experience the CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS, finally. WOW what a gift.
At about 3 years into recovery my mom and I were talking and I asked her what brought them to that point. She responded that had they not cut all ties with me at that time, they were both so entrenched in my life and the craziness that they were going to end up, locked up, in padded rooms. I had literally driven them insane.
He is remorseful, admitted he has a problem, and has asked us to take him to AA meetings.
Also, read around this site, check out the 'stickys' at the beginning of this forum and check out some of the threads.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much, and we do understand.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
If he really can't pay for a lawyer, there should be one available to him for free.
The first time he was able to get a light sentence and rehab. For a second offense no judge will let him off so easily--even if you drained your retirement accounts to pay for the most expensive lawyer you could possibly find.
He chose to ignore the terrible warning sign of a DUI--and the blessing that the first time no one was hurt. He chose to ignore the light sentence and the rehab. He chose to ignore all the help offered to him. Let something different happen this time. You've done all you can.
The first time he was able to get a light sentence and rehab. For a second offense no judge will let him off so easily--even if you drained your retirement accounts to pay for the most expensive lawyer you could possibly find.
He chose to ignore the terrible warning sign of a DUI--and the blessing that the first time no one was hurt. He chose to ignore the light sentence and the rehab. He chose to ignore all the help offered to him. Let something different happen this time. You've done all you can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
If he stays out of jail will he get the help he needs? If he goes to jail will he get rehab and counseling as part of his sentence? Maybe someone from AA or social service organization can help you get some answers, maybe you should take him to see the Public Defender before you spend big money, what are is chances of winning his case, what is the Public Defenders caseload, in some places all they do is help defendants get a better plea deal becuase they are so overloaded.
Maybe if he gets into rehab and stays straight, no drinking, goes to AA, etc. then the judge will cut him some slack, maybe he gets a misdemeanor instead of a felony, maybe boot-camp or shock time instead of real jail or prison.
Personal opinion here, he has two DUI's, no telling how many times has he driven drunk, next time he could kill someone, can you live with the guilt of helping him get back on the street if there is a chance he could do this again, please think about that before you help him win an aquittal.
Best of luck to you, I will keep your family in my thoughts.
Bill
Maybe if he gets into rehab and stays straight, no drinking, goes to AA, etc. then the judge will cut him some slack, maybe he gets a misdemeanor instead of a felony, maybe boot-camp or shock time instead of real jail or prison.
Personal opinion here, he has two DUI's, no telling how many times has he driven drunk, next time he could kill someone, can you live with the guilt of helping him get back on the street if there is a chance he could do this again, please think about that before you help him win an aquittal.
Best of luck to you, I will keep your family in my thoughts.
Bill
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello DesperateFather, Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about the struggles your son is having with his addiction. It can be so heartbreaking for us to watch the people we love be so self-destructive. You have found a wonderful place filled with supportive people who do understand exactly what you are going through.
One thing that I have learned here and in the rooms of Al-Anon is something we call the 3C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
These three things can be very frustrating for those of us who want to fix it and make it better for the people we love. Since you have already been down this road once with your son, perhaps it is time to try a different approach.
My multi-addicted stepson is still making poor decisions, but his father and I have let him make them and deal with the results.....slowly, he is learning.
Your son is 21, working and living on his own, so perhaps it is time to let him handle this problem by himself. If he is not allowed to try, how will he begin to learn?
Prayers of support for you and your son.
I'm sorry to hear about the struggles your son is having with his addiction. It can be so heartbreaking for us to watch the people we love be so self-destructive. You have found a wonderful place filled with supportive people who do understand exactly what you are going through.
One thing that I have learned here and in the rooms of Al-Anon is something we call the 3C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
These three things can be very frustrating for those of us who want to fix it and make it better for the people we love. Since you have already been down this road once with your son, perhaps it is time to try a different approach.
My multi-addicted stepson is still making poor decisions, but his father and I have let him make them and deal with the results.....slowly, he is learning.
Your son is 21, working and living on his own, so perhaps it is time to let him handle this problem by himself. If he is not allowed to try, how will he begin to learn?
Prayers of support for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Welcome to SR. I am the alcoholic not a F&F of one, but I can tell you this is definitely enabling. I would vote OK on getting him back and forth to work and AA meetings provided that 1) public transportation is not available; 2) he pays for your gas and 3) he doesn't cross any other bounaries you have set. You are helping him to help himself if this is the case.
It is worth pointing out that, at least around here, there are a lot of AA members who give people like this a ride to meetings - this is part of our AA service work.
Bail or Lawyer money? No way. You would be shielding him from the consequences of his actions.
Good luck and keep posting - there is a lot of great support here.
It is worth pointing out that, at least around here, there are a lot of AA members who give people like this a ride to meetings - this is part of our AA service work.
Bail or Lawyer money? No way. You would be shielding him from the consequences of his actions.
Good luck and keep posting - there is a lot of great support here.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Is it enabling for me to hire him a lawyer?
He has also been diagnosed with depression and previously ADHD however he is not currently on meds. He has never handled stress well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Here's my question to you:
You paid for a lawyer who got him off the last time.
What if you do it again this time, and the next time he decides to get drunk and get behind the wheel, he kills someone?
I have a dear friend who lost her 18-year-old son to a drunk driver much like your son. Like your son, that young man also had parents who wanted to help him and save him from the consequences of his actions. They had bailed him out numerous times, paid for expensive lawyers numerous times. The night he drove drunk and killed one person and left another disabled for life, he was handed his 6th DUI.
I am a parent. I completely understand the parental urge we have to protect our children from bad things, even when the bad things are natural consequences.
But you don't ever want to feel like in doing that, you become an accomplice to killing people.
You paid for a lawyer who got him off the last time.
What if you do it again this time, and the next time he decides to get drunk and get behind the wheel, he kills someone?
I have a dear friend who lost her 18-year-old son to a drunk driver much like your son. Like your son, that young man also had parents who wanted to help him and save him from the consequences of his actions. They had bailed him out numerous times, paid for expensive lawyers numerous times. The night he drove drunk and killed one person and left another disabled for life, he was handed his 6th DUI.
I am a parent. I completely understand the parental urge we have to protect our children from bad things, even when the bad things are natural consequences.
But you don't ever want to feel like in doing that, you become an accomplice to killing people.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Yes, sure is. Let him face the consequences of his actions. If you keep bailing him out, he will never fall to his knees and seek recovery.
Read all the stickies at the top of this and the F & F's of substance abusers forum, lots of knowledge at your fingertips.
Read all the stickies at the top of this and the F & F's of substance abusers forum, lots of knowledge at your fingertips.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Yes, it's enabling.
You've 'helped' him before, and it didn't really help. Helping isn't helping if it doesn't help. This is one you can sit out and give him the gift of working through it.
A bus pass is an excellent idea. And yes, AA members will get him to/from meetings.
Thank goodness he still has a job.
You've 'helped' him before, and it didn't really help. Helping isn't helping if it doesn't help. This is one you can sit out and give him the gift of working through it.
A bus pass is an excellent idea. And yes, AA members will get him to/from meetings.
Thank goodness he still has a job.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
I so wish I could go back in time and let my ex-AH fall harder, faster. We cushioned the blows for him too many times and now he is a completely out of control alcoholic who appears to have suffered brain damage at 42. Recently I have prayed he would end up in jail because it seems to be the only incredibly remote chance for sobriety at this point.
Your son feels terrible right now because he is right in the middle of a bad circumstance, but the feelings he has right now will fade and he will mostly likely be up to the same old tricks soon.
I say, you must let him face ALL the consequences. Many people cannot find the strength to do this, because it is true, he may die. And you may feel guilt because you will think you could have done something. Or he may recover, you can't tell. But, in reality, enabling him never helps, it just allows him to go off on his bad path longer and get deeper in trouble. It makes things worse, and being involved in the drama makes you more crazy too. I swear, the antics of my ex AH have aged me and his parents about ten years in the past two.
Your son feels terrible right now because he is right in the middle of a bad circumstance, but the feelings he has right now will fade and he will mostly likely be up to the same old tricks soon.
I say, you must let him face ALL the consequences. Many people cannot find the strength to do this, because it is true, he may die. And you may feel guilt because you will think you could have done something. Or he may recover, you can't tell. But, in reality, enabling him never helps, it just allows him to go off on his bad path longer and get deeper in trouble. It makes things worse, and being involved in the drama makes you more crazy too. I swear, the antics of my ex AH have aged me and his parents about ten years in the past two.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
My AH is currently in jail as a consequence of his actions when he relapsed (after 3 1/2 yrs sober) over Thanksgiving. He's facing 2 years in prison. He'll be assigned a Public Defender cuz we certainly can't afford a lawyer. I pray that THIS will be what finally makes it click for him - but I don't know. I am heart-broken.
I have been sober in AA for almost 20 years. There is a line in the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous that reads:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. . . . Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. . . ."
Funny - I was just reading that before I read your post
. It has always given me great comfort. There IS a reason for this - even if we don't know what it is.
May you find peace!
Blue
I have been sober in AA for almost 20 years. There is a line in the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous that reads:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. . . . Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. . . ."
Funny - I was just reading that before I read your post
. It has always given me great comfort. There IS a reason for this - even if we don't know what it is.May you find peace!
Blue
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Yes it is. The first time was helping, this time and every time hereafter will be enabling in it's purist form. Sometimes it's difficult to determine what enabling is and is not. In this particular case it's easy.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
+1 for enabling. My father in law payed for AW lawyer after a really bad DWI accident with a tree. She was in the hospital for over a month & was dry until she was off medication. FIL payed for the lawyer & instantly in her head it was like it never happened. Now she's worse than before the accident. Maybe if she would have had to own it for herself things would be different. I know at the very least it did not help. Even though it would have greatly strained us financially, I now wish he wouldn't have paid, for her (& me) I think it made it worse.
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